Mom Vs Fiance

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Beeble Posts : 306 Registered: 11/19/09
Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 3:58 PM

Ok, so my parents have told us that they want to pay for the wedding as long as it's reasonable. We have gone over guest list and per head estimated costs.

So my fiance wants to be involved in the process and so does my mom. I seem to be stuck in the middle and not sure what to do with some things.

For example... My fiance and i talked the other day about chair covers. We are having the ceremony in a music hall and the reception in the dining hall. My fiance and I agreed that it seems silly to get chair covers for the ceremony since everyone will be there for such a short time. So we decided that we would only get covers for the chairs in the dining hall for the reception.

So I tell my mom this then she says she is paying and we should order the extra ones for the music hall (another $100).

Now I don't know what to do. Do I tell my mom no, or do I go back to my fiance and tell him what my mom said?

Should I have not said anything to my mom in the first place and just rented the covers and sent her the bill? I don't think that is fair either.

Also, when bills are coming in for things my fiance is asking how much so he can take money out and pay, and my mom is saying the same thing.

Advice please!

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 4:56 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble

I think what you and your FH should do is set up a list of everything that will need to be payed for pertaining to the wedding; reception, attire, photography, music, flowers, etc. After you figure all of this how, find out how much your mother will be contributing and your FH, and anyone else who decides to contribute (such as yourself, your father, FIL).

Once you have figured all of this out, you can have your mom pay for certain things, and your FH can pay for other things. Example, if your mom decides to cover the whole reception, all of those reciepts can go to her. You need to find out how much she will be contributing first though so you don't go over what she has planned. Also, for little things like chaircovers, if your mom is paying for them and she really wants them, then go ahead and get them. No use in making a small detail that no one will even notice into a big deal. But yes tell your FH, just because your mom is contributing doesn't mean you and her get to call all the shots. And more than likely, your FH probably really won't care if you do the chair covers or not, but it's still nice to just let him know. I remember planning my wedding, there were a lot of things my FH didn't care about, but I would still tell him. I'd get at most "oohh, O.K" but atleast he would know about it.

Another piece of advice, if you're able to, get all the money from everyone upfront, before you start booking vendors and making deposits. There's been times that brides come on here saying "my parents offered to pay for the photography, we booked one and now they won't give us the money and we can't afford the one we booked, now were out the deposit and have no money for a photographer". You definitly don't want to be in that situation. Remember sometimes unforseen circumstances come up, so it's definitly better to have all the money upfront.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 6:12 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

I think that FutureMrsDJLeo gave GREAT advice!

I think drawing up how much things are going to cost and then looking at what the budget is will help a lot.

But better to be stuck where you are now instead of the other way around! LOL

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 7:41 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble

Dear Beeble,

If your mom wants chair covers for the ceremony and if she is willing to pay for them, then what the heck?

I get the impression that your FH is trying to be polite. His thinking might be something like this: "I am very grateful to FMIL for offering to pay, and will try to save money wherever possible."

Your mother could be thinking "It's my daughter's wedding and I want it to be beautiful. If I can afford chair covers, I want chair covers."

Traditionally, the bride's family paid for the entire wedding and reception for several reasons:

1. This was the last time the bride's father would support her. From W-Day+1 on into the future, the groom (with possible help from his family) would be supporting his wife.

2. Party planning by committee is difficult. Better to have one hostess (MOB) who makes the funding decisions in consultation with her daughter.

3. The wedding and reception was a display of the bride's family's wealth and prestige.

My suggestion to you is to talk with FH and ask him about anything he finds totally objectionable. Reserve his veto for the "big" things, such as choice of officiant, etc. Chair covers are "little" things. See if you can get FH to agree to let your mother and her pocketbook rule on the smaller details, so long as he has a say in the major issues.

Chair covers is not a hill to die on, in other words. Mom wants 'em, Mom pays for 'em.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 9:46 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble

So you and your fiance decided you wouldn't get chaircovers for the ceremony not because you hate chaircovers, but because they are kind of pointless and cost money.

But your Mom wants them and is willing to pay for them.

And you have no vendetta against chaircovers?

Why not just let your Mom get chaircovers if its important to her?

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Beeble Posts : 306 Registered: 11/19/09
Re: Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 23, 2011 11:29 AM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

FMDJ:
Yup we have an itemized budget of what we expected to pay for.
My parents (still together) have already said they are paying for the venue and food. I don't worry about them backing out of the agreement and if something unfortunate happens and they for some reason can't any more, my fiance and I have saved up enough money that him and I alone could pay for everything with our current budget. I keep telling my mom about little details and each time she offers to give me money. Even on her birthday she insisted I take $50 to cover the postage on the invitations. I am the only daughter (and the only girl in the family until my cousins daughters who are 4 and 2. I think she doesn't want us to scrimp and she just wants it done right.

Pharm: Yes better to be stuck with everyone wanting to pay instead of not having any money at all!

AOTB: My fiance hates spending money on the little things but is ok with the big ticket items. Overall he just likes to save money on everything, never pays full price etc. So wherever we can cut corners saves money.

I think I would like this to be "traditional" not for the sake of not having to pay ourselves but for the ease of decision making! I also have the downfall of wanting to please everyone or at least take everyones opinions into concideration. I don't want to seem bridezilla and everything has to be my way.. but dammint why can't we just do it the way I want! hahaha

BTS: I think that might be the way to go. We have no objection to them so why not if she wants to pay for them. The only thing is because of where we are it's all DIY so hopefully it doesn't take too long to get them all set up.

My fiance seems to take things the easiest when I just tell him what's happening. We go for our engagement shoot on April 3, he was hesitant about a photographer because he's afraid of how short he will look in the pictures. So I told him I thought it would be a good idea to do the engagement shots and "try on" a photographer, asked him what he thought and he agreed and so I booked it and just told him a time.

I want my fiance to be involved but I know it's just not his thing. Can anyone think of some good man projects I can assign him??

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 23, 2011 11:34 AM Go to message in response to: Beeble

Music. Are you having a DJ? Are you doing an iPOD shuffle?

I'd have him do music lists for either (It's always good to give the DJ an idea of what music you want) and then if you're doing an iPOD he can gather the music and rip it for that.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 23, 2011 11:43 AM Go to message in response to: Beeble

I know that my fiance will be interested in the menu, the cake, music. Who doesn't like to think about cake? Honeymoon planning.

I think I have lucked out with my man because he seems to want to be really involved and actually cares about the details. The other day we went by my Mom's house and she had some white roses in a mason jar by the door. And he started just point at this mason jar and I was like "whhatttt?" and he was like "i like that. wedding." We aren't really planning yet but if he wants flowers in mason jars--we will have flowers in mason jars.

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Beeble Posts : 306 Registered: 11/19/09
Re: Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 23, 2011 12:06 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

Pharm: That's great. We are going to do the Ipod thing so will get him started on that. I think we have lots of time for that too.

BTS: That's loveley that he tells you what he likes. Mine is quite the opposite and he is always telling me what he doesn't like. I have told him that it's much more helpful when he tells me what he likes instead of dislikes. He is working on that - one of the things from our counselling.

Just about 4 months to go. I'm feeling pretty good on timeline. When do you think I'll start really feeling the time crunch? Should I have my dress altered now?

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 23, 2011 12:40 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble

Beeble - It's hard. My DH was more involved then most but I also learned how to approach him about things.

He actually chose the color of the BMs dresses - BUT I narrowed it down to three choices I was happy with before asking him. LOL I wasn't having my ladies in ORANGE.

His Mom owned a party store so he was adamant about not having a plastic bride and groom cake topper - don't ask me he just had seen some really cheesy ones. So we agreed to just do flowers - THEN my aunt found my grandparents china bride and groom cake topper - 70 years old. They were gorgeous and he hands down said yes, let's use them! (Which made me happy because they were incredible!)

His Mom offered to do our flower arrangements in silk flowers. He said he didn't want silk at all. I was fine with that - made him tell his mom. LOL When it came to picking out what flowers - he didn't even really care, as long as they were real. He asked about a couple of flowers, because I really like them, but they were out of season or would have increased the $ so we decided against them.

A lot of things I would ask his opinion and he'd be like - that's fine. Other things he did want input on, so I always made sure to ask him.

He was adamant about having our friend play the organ for the ceremony - and our friend used most of his own original music that we chose. That was an incredibly easy decision for me to say yes to because our friend is incredibly talented and it made the ceremony very unique while it was traditional.

Food was another thing that he definitely had input on. And the cake.

He wanted me with him when he chose the tuxes - but he went with a style I wouldn't have been inclined to go with - but that was HIS choice. :-)

It's a balancing game. I suggest always including him and letting him decide if he wants to voice an opinion vs go with the flow because it's OK with him. :-)

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 23, 2011 1:35 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble

Ladies,

"I think I would like this to be "traditional" not for the sake of not having to pay ourselves but for the ease of decision making!"

The ease of decision making is an excellent reason to follow the traditional pathways.

I hear of couples who want "everyone" in on the planning: Mom, Dad, FiancÚ, his parents, etc. While I cringe at the idea of telling people that wedding planning is "women's work" and that the men should butt out, I also realize that party planning by large committee is logistically difficult.

In my marriage, we have a deal that when we make a large purchase (trip, new TV, new mattress, etc), we assign primary shopping and research responsibility to whoever has more expertise, more interest, more experience, etc. Then, at the final sale point, we get the other involved.

It works for us and is non-sexist. He wants a new TV? He researches, shops, etc. I want a new mattress? I research, shop, etc.

In a wedding planning situation, it sometimes works best if the bulk of the planning is done by the bride and her mother, assuming the bride's parents are footing the bill. Sexist, maybe, but can be the most efficient.

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Beeble Posts : 306 Registered: 11/19/09
Re: Mom Vs Fiance
Posted: Mar 23, 2011 4:55 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

AOTB: That sounds like a great arrangement. We kinda do the same but I have more time online for research so mostly I do the pre planning then we get together and look at a couple options. Vacations, technology etc.

Luckily I really only have one set of parents to deal with. My Fiance has been married before and I think his parents helped him out with that wedding so he made the decision that he didn't want his parents giving us any money for the wedding. I think this is really why he feels that he needs to contribute more to the wedding, giving what his parents would have. That was his decision and I fully support that. So to include them I put his mom in charge of the invitations (which are lovely!) and had my dress shipped there and they are keeping it for me. His dad wouldn't let me pay him back for the duty and import charges that were COD on my dress. So that's his contribution.

I told his mom that my mom had some sort of plan for photos and a slideshow. I have tried to tell my mom that a slideshow and projector won't really work with the venue so I asked my FMIL to try and organize something with pictures of us. She has all sorts of scrapbooking supplies and both our moms are crafty so I will leave them to that. It will be something nice to put up some pictures on the walls without making people sit through a show.

It's easy to find stuff for the girls to do but not for the guys. It really is, for the majority, a girl thing.

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