Help!!

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Babyface77 Posts : 13 Registered: 12/22/10
Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 12:32 PM

I am not engaged yet and need some help....I am with the man of my dreams and we love each other to death. We are going to marry each other and I have set up a timeline on when I would like it to happen. I dont want to pressure him at all but I believe a couple should be able to discuss that. I am just excited to finally start OUR life together and want it to happen soon.I was with a total loser for 4 1/2 years with no signs of commitment at all and I am so ready now since I have found Mr. Right. I should mention that we went to Vegas back in October and he asked me to marry him there ( and no we were not drunk) I asked him a week after coming home from Vegas and asked him if he was joking, he said no... I did turn him down when we were there and told him I want my wedding day , I wasnt the engagement and the planning process not to mention I want my friends and family there. So now is coming up to Christmas and he has confused the hell out of me, by saying he doesnt know what to get me.... and then he says what he got me will be life changing then he has been to the mall three times now and I think finally bought me something last night????? we dont live together so I wouldn't know. In a way I think he is being sneaky but on the other hand we had a conversation about a week ago, ( I was having anxiety about all of this) and we kind of got into a minor arguement and he said" well not doing what I had planned for christmas now" and when I do ask you I want it to be a surprise. but then he continues to say that my gift is expensive and he hopes I like it... But why would he buy me something expensive for christmas if he is going to propse anytime soon after that? I am so confused can anyone help?

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HamzicBride Posts : 178 Registered: 12/28/09
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: Babyface77

Im confused...

So he proposed in Vegas, but you said no-yet you are expecting to get engaged for christmas???

I had to re-read your thread multiple times, but I still can't make sense of it, and I imagine Im not the only confused one here, because there were 9 views with no responses.

Can you clarify your thread.


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Beeble Posts : 306 Registered: 11/19/09
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 1:11 PM Go to message in response to: HamzicBride

I'm thinking the he asked her to elope with him while they were in Vegas and she said no. So it sounds like there was no proposal just a hey let's get married right now. And when you said no it probably turned him off the idea for a while.

Is that right?

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Babyface77 Posts : 13 Registered: 12/22/10
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 1:22 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble

@ Beeble, yes you are right, we were there in Vegas and he asked, I said i would but I want to be engaged first and be able to plan my wedding and have my family and friends there. He wasn't upset and he understood, that's what girls think about since they were young. Now it is two months later and I think if he wanted to marry me in October why wouldn't he officially propose now during the holidays?

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Babyface77 Posts : 13 Registered: 12/22/10
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 1:28 PM Go to message in response to: HamzicBride

@ HamzicBride, He didn't formally propose at all in Vegas, no ring or down on one knee he just asked. He knows I have a timeline of when I want to be married and I am leaving that in his capable hands but it is so hard to think that if I would have said yes we would be married already, but on another note I would have regretted doing it in Vegas and not doing what I really wanted to do, usually what every bride to be gets to do is be engaged for a while and plan. Either way I want to be married to him and he knows it, he has confused the hell out of me on what he is getting me for christmas, but I don't want to get my hopes up if it's not a ring. I just wonder because he says my present is expensive so why would he buy me an expensive christmas present and then buy a ring a month or so later? thats a lot of money when he could just do it all at once for christmas.....

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HamzicBride Posts : 178 Registered: 12/28/09
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 1:29 PM Go to message in response to: Babyface77

oh ok. Thanks for clarifying.

Have you sat with him and talking about this? man don't think the same way we do. He may not realize what kind of plan you have and what you wishes are and where you want your relationship to go. If he wanted to elope, then at least you know he has the same idea, but I would sit down with him and talk.
It must be really difficult right now being so close to Christmas and having gone through that already, and I would find it odd to have this kind of conversation just 3 days before the holidays.

Do what you feel is right. I would however make sure to sit down with him and make sure you both have the same idea still. Communication is key.


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Babyface77 Posts : 13 Registered: 12/22/10
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 1:37 PM Go to message in response to: HamzicBride

We have sat down a few times and talked about it, we are definetly on the same page but it seems like whenever this topic arises the proposing date gets pushed farther away, I know he wants it to be special and a surprise, but I did bring up once or twice that I would like to be engaged before we move in together and that is coming up at the beggining of March, but I feel that would be the best thing so I am not playing wifey when I don't have the commitment ( ring on my finger )

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HamzicBride Posts : 178 Registered: 12/28/09
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 2:38 PM Go to message in response to: Babyface77

Do you know why the idea gets pushed away? thats what you need to determine. Maybe he doesnt think you're ready for it? maybe there is another reason?

As for your reason for not co-habitating before being at least engaged, it's a fair reason. A lot of people share that view as well. I think it's a good one. I know of a few women who are with their common law and wish they could have a ring on their finger. Again different views, different opinions. I totally understand why you would think that way.

It doesn't sound like you've talk about it enough, or you wouldn't be starting this thread. Sit down with him again and get ALL your questions answered, or least concerns expressed an talked about. This is a serious topic, it shouldn't be "pushed away" or covered up. Sit down with him.


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Babyface77 Posts : 13 Registered: 12/22/10
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 2:54 PM Go to message in response to: HamzicBride

No that is the thing, I guess it comes up to much.. and maybe he was planning on it for Christmas but since I kept bringing it up before hand he thinks it is on my mind ( which it will be until he finally does it) and that he really wants to do it when it will catch me off guard. I know there is no other reason he told me that that is the reason, but during the last conversation I got a little pissed and kinda got upset and at the end when it was all over he said " I understand where you are coming from" Our last conversation was that I am 25 and want to know where abouts my life is headed. As in I want to be married by next summer or so and so on. We have talked about when in both of our lives we want kids etc. Oh and he knows I am ready to be engaged as well...

Edited by: Babyface77 on Dec 22, 2010 2:54 PM

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 3:04 PM Go to message in response to: Babyface77

Dear BF,

" I did bring up once or twice that I would like to be engaged before we move in together and that is coming up at the beggining of March,"

I am going to offer you a suggested plan.

You want the full engagement - planning - wedding process. Good for you in sticking with your goal when asked for a quick elopement while in Vegas. Lots of women in that position would cave, then later start planning the dreaded fake wedding vow renewal so they can have their "wedding" even though they are already married.

Here is my suggestion.

You are planning to move in together in March, but you personally do not want to move in together unless you are officially, publically, ring-on-the-finger engaged. Great. I'm behind you 100% on that one, as it is your stated goal for yourself.

So, give yourself a personal deadline. At what point would you have to initiate the move-in process? When would either or both of you have to give notice to your current landlords? What is the drop-dead date for the move-in-together process?

That should be your personal deadline for an official engagement. If you want him to initiate the proposal himself, then just try to put it out of your mind until your personal deadline. Let him surprise you.

If you want the proposal to more of a mutual discussion, then just tell him politely, lovingly, but in no uncertain terms that you will not move in together unless you are officially engaged. You are in charge of your life and you need not live under the same roof with a man who has not made that committment to you.

It need not be harsh.

"We ought to think about you giving notice to your landlord around early February."

"Oh? And why would I give notice?"

"I thought we were going to move in together in March, after your lease is up in February."

"I know we've talked about that, however I don't want to move in with a man unless engaged. Please don't take this personally, but one of my goals in life is to grow old with a wonderful man. Married, not eternally living together. I am hoping that will be you. However, if you don't see us married in the foreseeable future, and if you don't see yourself growing old with me, I would rather hold on to my current apartment as that would be more flexible should some really great, MARRIAGE-MINDED, guy come along."

"But, I asked you and your turned me down!"

"I did not want to get married in a Vegas chapel on the spur of the moment. I want a real wedding, and that takes time to plan. So, I have no desire to move in with a guy unless I am officially and publically engaged to the guy, with a genuine wedding date set and actively involved in wedding planning."

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Babyface77 Posts : 13 Registered: 12/22/10
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 3:14 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

@Auntofthebride,

Wow thank you for the reply, Well I am the one who would have to give my notice and it would have to be the end if January just to tell them I will not be carrying on renting from them month to month after Feb 28th... But I have told my boyfriend this and really its my parents that dont want me to move in until I have a ring on my finger because I wasted 41/2 years with a guy who I played house with without ever getting a commitment. I do agree with them but my boyfriend now is not at all like my Ex. I just dont want a huge arguement with my parents when I tell them at the end of Jan that we are moving in together and I am not engaged, but I also believe that is putting pressure on my boyfriend to do it sooner than feb. I want to get engaged to start off our lives together I love him so very much and I am so excited to take it to the next level and I know he is to but when? I dont believe he took me turning him down in Vegas hard at all... because he knows I want the whole wedding planning process, and yes you were right when he said we could get married there and then come home and plan another wedding and stuff when we are already married, thats a little ass backwards if you ask me. He is a really easy going guy and I just hope it happens soon.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 6:16 PM Go to message in response to: Babyface77

Dear BF,

As a mother myself I can understand your parents' dismay at the idea that you might get deeply involved in another problem relationship.

I understand that you love this guy and want to marry him. That's wonderful. However, it takes two to tango. It's fabulous that you want to marry him, but he has to want to marry you, too.

Second, you have to be true to yourself. Do you want to risk spending another 4+ years of your life waiting for some guy to come around and propose?

This message board (and real life) is full of women waiting for the big showy surprise proposal. They watch baseball games where "Tracy Will You Marry Me?" shows up on the Jumbotron. They listen to their teary-eyed friends tell the story of "I was utterly surprised".

Well... sometimes it doesn't work out that way. When I got engaged, the big showy proposal was not at all in vogue. When I was dating my boyfriend, getting more and more serious, we talked more and more about a future together. We more or less came to the conclusion that we would get married, eventually, and even figured it would be a couple of years in the future.

A year came and went, then I started buying Brides Magazine (essential in those pre-internet days) and he started looking at the calendar, figuring on when we could both take some time off. We got a tax refund, used that to buy rings, and set a date about four months later.

We've been married 34 years.

If you still want the surprise proposal, but you want to be clear on the need to be engaged before you move in (and I think that's wise, in your case), have a conversation sort of what I outlined above.

Another "starter" is to wait until some time you are together in a private setting, no distractions, and say something like "Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In 5 years?"

If all he can talk about is career or travel plans, then that's your answer. Time to think of alternatives for you life that don't involve him.

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Babyface77 Posts : 13 Registered: 12/22/10
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 6:35 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

We have talked about the future together quite a bit and I have asked him that question, the first thing that comes out of his mouth is that he wants to be married to me and then he says he doesnt want kids right away which we are on the same page about as well.. I know for a fact that he wants to marry me in other ways too that is why it is so hard to wait... I know it is coming but when? I have talked about it so much that if I talk about it anymore it WONT happen... I know he wants me to forget about it and I can't ( who would be able to?) We were talking about what he could get me for christmas, I recently bought a new car in Aug and I told him I didnt want anything for my car and then I said well jewellery is out of the question and he chimed in and said "yeah you dont wear bracelets and I already got you a necklace that you wear all the time so the next piece of jewlwery will be that $700 or $800 ring you want"...(hint hint) then we went off the topic... it's funny cuz i showed him the peoples jewellery pages with the two rings I really really like that I have bookmarked on my blackberry about a month ago, so he has an idea of what I want and the reason I am thinking it is funny is because he remembered how much they both were... I told him that they were only that price until Dec 24th then they go back up to their regular price... hmmmmm

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 7:24 PM Go to message in response to: Babyface77

Dear BF,

Well, it's only three more days until Christmas. Can you manage to keep your mouth zipped until then?

Yeah, I know it will take super-human strength, but consider it good training for later years when you have teenaged children.

"Mom! I just found this GREAT new oufit..."

"Mmmmmmm....."

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Babyface77 Posts : 13 Registered: 12/22/10
Re: Help!!
Posted: Dec 22, 2010 7:27 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

lol yes I think I can manage but I can tell you as much as I dont want to be, I will be slightly dissapointed if there isnt one.. only because of the teasing he did to me in Vegas.

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