Mother from HELL

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lamodexo Posts : 8 Registered: 6/25/10
Mother from HELL
Posted: Aug 13, 2010 9:29 PM

Warning: this is going to be a long, detailed, upset rant/venting session.

My now fiance is 20 and I'm 19. We are both incoming sophomores at our respective colleges. We have been dating 1 year and 9 months now. We have lived together for 8 months after spending our first semester (last fall) of college 3000 miles away (he in NC and I in San Francisco, CA). He proposed to me June 25th, I said yes and now we're engaged. My parents (living in Southern California) were really happy and excited the entire few months before they visited. I was super excited to see my family, show them our new puppy, and show of our apartment and how well we've been doing on our own. They were in town for our engagement dinner and to see my fiance's family. In a nutshell, my mother is a hypocritical, judgemental, and pretty much fake bitch. I have so little respect for her now.

The day after our engagement dinner, my parents go to a concert at the art museum with his family (we couldn't go because he was studying for a final and I didn't feel well). I figured everything would go great but the next day, my fiance tells me his mom called him upset because my mother kept saying "it costs us so so money to fly down here and we had to move the date" blah blah blah. Basically upsetting my future mother in law and making her feel bad for the supposed extra money spent. I get my fiance to call my parents (it would have turned into a screaming match with my mom otherwise) and try to explain what she did and how she shouldn't have said the stuff she said. She starts saying out of nowhere she thinks our apartment looks disgusting, she's not proud of me, etc. She continues on about how his family doesn't even want us to be engaged - which is a complete lie because his mom came over and said they were all happy about it and she doesn't know where my mom got that.

I'm really hurt and the day my mom left, I told her she needed to apologize because I wanted her to be proud of me and be happy to see me after 8 months on different coasts and all she did was insult and judge. And honestly, I'm a complete cleaning freak to the point of ocd sometimes so there's so foundation for her to say the things she said. She refused to apologize, and my dad basically didn't argue because he didn't want to get yelled at. I'm not speaking to her now and I'm only e-mailing back and forth with my dad because he couldn't do anything and I love my dad.

Besides all that, the plan was to move (me back and him for the first time) to CA and stay with my parents until the apartment we want became available and he could work and save up a little extra money. Before this, I was already worried about how hard it would be to live with this woman, especially after living on our own here for over half the year. I have basically decided I would rather stay with my fiance's family until we figure out a plan for moving. We are half packed up and the plans for the truck and everything were underway. His family is supportive of anything we wan to do, but my mom is being a complete and utter bitch about the entire thing. She buys me 5 BRIDAL magazines and then acts like she wants us to wait and we're "not mature enough" when she is the one screaming at my fiance on the phone.

I really need some advice or someone to tell me I'm not crazy for hating her like I do. She's always been crazy but this brings it to a lowest of lows. At this point, I don't care if she is even at the wedding and God knows I'm not letting her plan it that's for sure. My dad is more than welcome but it's looking like instead of getting married on a beach in San Diego with my mom planning the entire thing - I'm not speaking to her until she grows up.

I'm sorry if this is long but I'm obviously infuriated right now. I totally needed to get this off my chest.

Who else has a mother they can't deal with - please let me here about it!


xoxo

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Mother from HELL
Posted: Aug 13, 2010 10:23 PM Go to message in response to: lamodexo

Sorry that you're so upset right now. I'm a Mother of the Bride (but I had a mother, too!) so be aware of where my remarks are coming from.

1. If you're mature enough to be engaged and mature enough to be living together (which I assume you're paying for?), then you don't have to live with your mother while you and FH "figure things out." Figure things out first, then move and live on your own.

2. Do NOT, under any circumstances, use your FH as a middle-man between you and your family. And do NOT get in between him and his family. If either of you has a problem with your own family, deal with it directly with the people involved.

3. You "hate" your mother, but you want her to accept and be proud of you. She's a horrid, "hypocritical bitch," but you still need her to approve of every aspect of your life. You expected her to be planning your wedding, but at the same time you seem to be saying that she's always been a bitch. So, which is it? If she really is the "mother from HELL," then I guess you'll have to write her off and stop seeking her approval for everything you do.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you and your FH are very young to be engaged. You still have most of school ahead of you and obviously are not in a position to fully support yourselves. Try to step back and give yourselves some time. Enjoy being students, being in love, and planning your careers. Growing up will allow you to cut the umbilical cords and to stand on your own two (four?) feet.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Mother from HELL
Posted: Aug 13, 2010 10:28 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Dear Myra,

You said exactly what I was thinking.

They are young, still emotionally and financially dependent on their parents. They need to grow up a bit. (A lot.)

Lots of people have hyper-critical parents. Grownups learn to serenely make their own plans and live their own lives without worrying about the hyper-critical parents.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Mother. It's been good chatting with you, but I need to get going. Talk to you tomorrow."

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Dani303 Posts : 18 Registered: 6/3/10
Re: Mother from HELL
Posted: Aug 15, 2010 6:08 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Hey,

Wow your mum really sounds very insensitive...my mother used to be a little similar to that...she was very strong in her opinion and didnt really seem to think she could hurt other people by saying things..because as far as she was concerned it was the truth as she saw it.

We used to have some HUGE arguments.

I think the best thing you can do is give yourself and her some time and try not to hold a grudge...yes she acted completely inappropriately...but there could be some valid reasons as to why she reacted in such a way.

Im sure she is proud of you..she could just be like my mother was and just say harsh things to get a reaction and to hurt the other person if she is feeling attacked.

I think its sweet that your man was willing to ring and talk to her..but i do agree with the others...it would have been better coming from you.

I think in future you need to keep a level head and when you talk to her...dont let her 'bait' you with mean things she says..because she is only saying these things to get a reaction out of you

Edited by: Dani303 on Aug 15, 2010 6:08 AM

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Mother from HELL
Posted: Aug 16, 2010 4:24 PM Go to message in response to: lamodexo

I am sure you FEEL like this is a huge deal but reading all of it, I'm not following what happened and why it's so devastating? Could it be because she doesn't want you and your FH to live in her house and maybe you left that part out?

Personally for me, I wouldnt be with a person who my parents/family did not approve of. I would not be in a relationship my family didn't approve of and I would NOT be getting married if my family disapproved of it. I think family, especially mothers, should be listened to most of the time and for a good reason. She is probably seeing something you are not (that you are too young) and you're getting all hyped up b/c, well, you're too young. Mature people let crap roll off their backs...immature people get all riled up and cut ties and blow up for no reason. Just something I've noticed as I've gotten older. If she is giving you advice and getting mad for really no reason, then you'd see that and just ignore it.

And OMG if my DH ever called my mother to tell her that I was upset with her b/c I asked him to, my mom would probably hang up, get in the car, drive to my house and smack him, then me. That's totally not his place

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