Happy....just the way things are

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soulfulsista Posts : 75 Registered: 3/28/06
Happy....just the way things are
Posted: Jul 5, 2010 4:26 AM

I am coming up on my 4 year anniversary with my DH. I am truly blessed to have married my DH and have family whom stand behind us. I also like that both of us have friends who we love and love us. Sometimes I think about children and how our lives will change with children. I also think about our lives now and how happy I am....just the way things are. However, if I decide to have kids, I wonder if I will have waited till it is too late. I have read quite a few threads about how women are wanting children so badly, but I'm wondering if there are any women out there who are happy with how things are now and are ambivalent about having children. BTW, I am in my mid 30's. I'm not saying I don't like children or don't want children, but am just happy and blessed...

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agd1017 Posts : 464 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: Happy....just the way things are
Posted: Jul 5, 2010 12:18 PM Go to message in response to: soulfulsista

I don't think there is anything wrong with being happy with your life! And there is no rule that says you have to want children. Maybe you will want them someday, maybe not. But since you are happy with the way things are now, just enjoy it!

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Amanda and Eric

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Happy....just the way things are
Posted: Jul 5, 2010 11:00 PM Go to message in response to: soulfulsista

Dear Soul,

Who cares if other people are happy with or without children? The only thing that matters is how you and your husband feel about it. If you have no burning desire for a child, then fuggedaboutit.

So much can go wrong, and so much can go right.

You could have a handicapped child, requiring lifetime care from you. You could have a child who never grows up, and is still looking for financial handouts when you are 80. You could end up with a kid in prison or a kid on drugs.

Or, you could end up with a kid who makes you incredibly proud each and every day. They could make you proud by overcoming that handicap, by working hard and doing a good job, or make you proud by something really great like winning the County Fair Chili Cook-Off, the State Beauty Pagent, the Super Bowl or the Nobel Peace Prize.

You never know.

You just give it a try and hope for the best.

In my case, I truly thought having an "only" child would be best. That was our plan. What makes God laugh? People making plans.

I had twins.

It was double the work, double the laundry, double the discipline, double the hugs and double the kisses.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Happy....just the way things are
Posted: Jul 6, 2010 12:02 PM Go to message in response to: soulfulsista

sigh People will probably attack me for this but I think kids ruin marriages. Before you all attack me, I'm not saying EVERY marriage does, I'm just saying that with children the chances of the marriage going down the drain is higher. I have seen it happen with my own eyes! If you decide to have children make sure you and your husband communicate a lot and spend time with each other...ALONE. Sometimes the children take over the marriage that the married couple forget who they are. It's all about balancing childcare and marriage. Maybe just ONE child will be good, but like Aunt said life can throw you twins lol.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Happy....just the way things are
Posted: Jul 6, 2010 1:14 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Cheetah -

That's an interesting take on it. I've seen just as many marriages fail that didn't have kids as I've seen fail with kids.

If couples don't communicate constantly and get on the same page - it's not going to work.

OP - I know a lot of people who won't/don't a have kids - it's a personal choice that they feel is right for them.

More power to anyone who makes the choices they do for the right reasons.

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Happy....just the way things are
Posted: Jul 6, 2010 5:30 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Dear CA,

I won't attack you for that at all.

At my age, I see a lot of empty-nesters. Those are folks who were so wrapped up in their kids and their kids' activities that they forgot to have a life of their own.

Then, the kids move out, move away and the parents are left looking at each other saying "Now what?".

It's hard. I know one woman, now, a grandmother who lived with her daughter and granddaughter. The granddaughter went to college and the grandmother is absolutely impossible. Nothing can get this poor woman out of "the dumps".

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Happy....just the way things are
Posted: Jul 6, 2010 6:31 PM Go to message in response to: soulfulsista

Although my dad made a good point one day when I told him I may not want any kids. He said to me, "who will take care of you when you get older?" Hmmm...

I am not sure who will take care of me when I get older if I don't have any kids. Maybe I can count on my nieces and nephew to take care of me.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Happy....just the way things are
Posted: Jul 7, 2010 3:19 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

OP, I'm one of those that was perfectly happy with how things were and would have been pretty happy without a kid, and would liked to have waited at least another 5 years before having one. But I'm in my late 30s and DH & I decided that if we were going to do it, then better sooner than later. I was afraid I would regret it if we didn't have one--maybe not a good enough reason in some people's eyes, but good enough for me.

So now we have a 3 1/2-month-old boy we adore and we feel so lucky to have him. But there's a lot we're giving up, too: we can no longer afford to take a trip to Europe, South America or Hawaii in the near future, for example--instead we need to think about putting our $$ towards a house in a state/city with a good school district. We can't go out to dinner whenever we want--we're living on one income. We had two family trips in the works that we really wanted to take this fall, and we're re-thinking whether we should even take those.

I'm sure you've probably thought of all this. Just thought I'd report my perspective anyway since I've been in a similar position. It sucks every time I have to re-think a purchase, but my son makes the sacrifices worth it every day anyway.

Good luck with your decision. It's a leap of faith either way!

preview image

 

 

 

 

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Happy....just the way things are
Posted: Jul 7, 2010 11:48 AM Go to message in response to: soulfulsista

OP, Hi! I'm on the fence. I'd rather not have kids, and if I end up having them it will be a miracle (since I use BC and take extra precautions.) My husband would rather try for a couple a months and see what happens. He's very much a 'fate will decide' type person. I'm 28. I've been with my husband for 6 years. I wouldn't want to have kids with anyone but him.....I'm just kind of selfish and very happy right now like you. If it's not broke, why change it?

My girlfriend was the EXACT same as me. She loved going out, being social, being single, dating. We did a lot together. In fact, I think she was more selfish than me! Then she got married. Her husband had cancer as a child and was never supposed to be able to produce kids. Next thing you know she's preggo. Her life was turned upside down. She wasn't ever planning on kids due to her husband's condition. Now, you would think she was born to be a mom. She's loving, caring, and overall just warm.

So, you'll never know what kind of parent you will be until you're a parent. Only you and your husband can make the decision.

When my husband brought up kids, I brought up divorce. I told him we entered into marriage under a "no kid policy." The longer we're married and the more I love him every day the more (maybe 0.00001% each day) I could see having ONE kid with him someday if he truly truly truly couldn't live without being a dad.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Happy....just the way things are
Posted: Jul 7, 2010 4:43 PM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Dear Mush,

" I could see having ONE kid with him someday"

And you are going to whom to guarantee you won't conceive twins?

(Hahahahahahahahahahahhaha)

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Happy....just the way things are
Posted: Jul 7, 2010 4:50 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Ladies,

"Although my dad made a good point one day when I told him I may not want any kids. He said to me, "who will take care of you when you get older?" "

This is an excellent point.

I don't think people should have children JUST BECAUSE they want old-age care insurance, but elderly people without children really have a problem in finding a good advocate for health care and other "life" issues.

My MIL is 83 years old. She had four children, three of which are still alive. I don't think she could live the way she does if she had no children to look after her. For example, she will go on an airplane (shudder) to visit her sister. My husband will go with her. I don't think she would be able to do that without her son accompanying her. Without her children and in-laws (me, and BIL), I can't imagine who would be willing to go with her on such a trip.

***

I am not living my life expecting my children to be burdened with me. We have resources to see us into our old age, without having to depend on our sons. Having said that, I hope that I have been a good mother and hope that, should the time come, that one or both of my sons will step forward to take care of Good Old Mom.

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