Trying to include stepdaughter...

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tinkamonkey Posts : 2 Registered: 6/26/10
Trying to include stepdaughter...
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 12:16 AM

My fiance and I are trying to include his daughter in our wedding but the relationship we have with her is not too good. Up until our daughter was born 01.10.09 our relationship was wonderful but once our daughter was born my stepdaughter's mother began to bad mouth my fiance to his daughter and now after hearing the same negativity for almost 18 months my stepdaughter is beginning to act different (even though her father hasn't stopped doing anything he did before our daughter was born, he still has 250 deposited into the bank account he opened for her, pays 600/month child support and pays her cellularphone bill he got for her even though she doesn't call him). Every summer since she was younger she's visited her dad here in DC (she lives in Kentucky with her mom) until now. My stepdaughter no longer calls her dad unless she needs money... I wanted to include her in our wedding but I'm not sure if she'll want to be apart of the wedding. (Oh yea she's 17 yrs old...)

Should I make plans for her or just say FORGET IT and go with my 5 bridesmaids?

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Trying to include stepdaughter...
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 1:31 AM Go to message in response to: tinkamonkey

Up until our daughter was born 01.10.09 our relationship was wonderful but once our daughter was born my stepdaughter's mother began to bad mouth my fiance to his daughter and now after hearing the same negativity for almost 18 months my stepdaughter is beginning to act different (even though her father hasn't stopped doing anything he did before our daughter was born, he still has 250 deposited into the bank account he opened for her, pays 600/month child support and pays her cellularphone bill he got for her even though she doesn't call him). Every summer since she was younger she's visited her dad here in DC (she lives in Kentucky with her mom) until now. My stepdaughter no longer calls her dad unless she needs money... I wanted to include her in our wedding but I'm not sure if she'll want to be apart of the wedding. (Oh yea she's 17 yrs old...)

OK, I'm going to have some questions to ask in my reply that may be taken the wrong way. Point made.

You say the relationship was great before and did not change, but you only mentioned the monetary reasons that it didn't change. Granted, you have a young child and attention shifts but at the same time, she (the child) was 16 (15 or so when you were pregnant) so I cam imagine how she may feel supplanted or feel a loss of connection.

How did he support her regardless of money before? Has that aspect changed - honestly?

Teenagers are notoriously difficult. It is a tumultuous time for them - think back. I didn't know what end was up then.

So absolutely include her in the wedding. Ask to include her - you ask to include her.

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Trying to include stepdaughter...
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 10:05 AM Go to message in response to: tinkamonkey

Dear Tinka,

Very simple: Your guy sits down with his daughter and talks to her about the wedding and how she might like to participate.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Trying to include stepdaughter...
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 11:07 AM Go to message in response to: tinkamonkey

She's a teenager. Her parents have separated and now there's a new woman and a new baby in his life. She hears negativity about you on a daily basis. Of course she's pissed.

The only way to deal with all of this is to show her as much love, affection, and understanding as you possibly can. Can your FH talk this over with his ex and come to some understanding? If things are too toxic, then his only choice is to communicate with his daughter as much as possible and assure her of his love and caring for her (even if she spits in his eye most of the time). Include her in the wedding only if SHE wishes to be included. If not, just invite her as a guest.

The most hopeful news is that this, too, shall pass. As she gets older, she will begin to see for herself who has "been there" for her, who's telling the truth, who's manipulating, etc.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Trying to include stepdaughter...
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 11:07 AM Go to message in response to: tinkamonkey

I second AOTB.

She's 17. What you described above isn't that unusual for a 17-year-old who doesn't live with her Dad. If he think it's important that he be in her life -- and there's way more to that than $$ -- then he needs to ask her, plain and simple.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: Trying to include stepdaughter...
Posted: Jul 7, 2010 12:12 PM Go to message in response to: tinkamonkey

I agree with the posts from the other ladies, so far. Most 17 year olds only really approach their parents when they want something, especially when they don't live with them. Currently, it isn't the responsibility of the daughter to keep the relationship alive. That is the responsibility of the parent. The 17 year old has too much static going on in her head...and with parents that are divorced and daddy with a new wife and child, that is only magnified. It doesn't mean that her dad allows her to disrespect him (or you), but he should deal with her with love and understanding. If he does this consistently, she will come around some day.

The good news is, she will grow up. My daughter just turned 21 last week. Believe me, our relationship is night and day compared to when she was 17.

I agree with AOTB, her dad should talk to her and let her know that you both would like to include her in the wedding and how does she feel about that? I would have an idea of what type of role you would like her to fill before he talks to her though.

It is tough being a parent of a teenager. It is even more tough being a step-parent. I have found that these relationships, when the child is a teenager, work best when the step-parent isn't an authority figure. That, I believe, is best left to the parent. The step parent is best like an Aunt or older sister that supports the parent, but doesn't try to act like one.

Good luck!!!

 

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris

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jackson132 Posts : 1,623 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Trying to include stepdaughter...
Posted: Dec 24, 2012 12:40 PM Go to message in response to: tinkamonkey

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