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Need advice

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Vases Posts : 5 Registered: 6/30/09

Need advice: Posted: Jun 24, 2010 8:26 PM; So I have been engaged for over a year, my fiance believe it or not for a guy has his opinion and its always how to incorporate his favorite aston villa soccer team and the ugly colors. Some how I have done this with soccer balls and the maroon and baby blue. ANd hes still not happy, i just dont know what to do anymore, i frankly could care less anymore about this time, as none of this planning has been exciting in anyway and I am an awesome planner, everyone loves the parties my mom and I put on cause we love to do it. THey have loved Craig and My parties as well and they were all super fun to put on and create and get ready for. But this wedding has been nothing buy me crying cause my fiance has been nothing but rude in the whole process saying we have time we have time.... well guess what its on Sept 11, and no honeymoon booked and no tuxes picked out and we havent even registered any where for gifts, cause he wants to do all of that but not motivated at all. I have waited patiently for him and told him i can do all of this and hes like no i want to be apart of this, so i continue to wait. I am looking into this to much that he just doesnt care, i have sat him down and explained everything to him on how important doing stuff now instead of later is, cause costs just go up. ITs not getting through his thick skull! Sometimes I just think he doesnt care what I think or feel, which is not good to think going into a marriage. So I am totally stumped and need some major advice. I know a lot of brides on here are very harsh and to the point and I think thats what I need right now. Cause I am stumped!

september_2010 , michigan

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06

Re: Need advice: Posted: Jun 24, 2010 9:24 PM Go to message in response to: Vases; Dear Vases,

You are telling us that the entire wedding planning process, something that you would otherwise enjoy, has been miserable because of your fiancé?

You want an honest opinion?

Dump him.

He doesn't want to get married, and is dragging his feet. Why marry someone who needs a shotgun to the back just to get him to order a tux. If it's this bad during the engagement, I shudder to think of what the marriage will be like.

Dump him.

Be single, make new friends and hope that some know some marriage-minded men.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07

Re: Need advice: Posted: Jun 24, 2010 10:26 PM Go to message in response to: Vases; I am going to suggest counseling for you as an individual and the two of you. Before you go any further you two need to learn to communicate. You have to learn to talk to each other and not at each other. For me that would be the more important task to handle. Make an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. If you don't get together now, I too shudder to think what your marriage will bring.

I think the honeymoon should be planned and paid for by now but the tuxes and the registry I agree with your FI there is still a little time. If you can't get him to go to the store register online.

If all else fails dump him, but only after you have tried other things first.

Good Luck.

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting
Sucks to be you, So glad I am me
Proud Member of P.O.O.P, People Offended by Offended People

michigan , southern_shore_new_jersey , september_2010 , october_2010

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07

Re: Need advice: Posted: Jun 25, 2010 11:25 AM Go to message in response to: Vases; My inital reaction is the same as Aunt's. Dump him.

Honestly, it sounds to me like he doesn't want to get married. If he thinks it's so necessary to be involved, but then doesn't do anything, but doesn't want you to do anything either? Sounds to me like he's okay with this wedding not happening at all.
__________________________________________
"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07

Re: Need advice: Posted: Jun 25, 2010 12:17 PM Go to message in response to: Vases; This sounds like the type of guy who wants his dinner a certain way, or the house cleaned a certain way but doesn't get of his ass to do it and expects the woman to do it all. Have you talke to him about how miserable he is making you? I dont want to say dump him immediately, but if you can't come to him now with your feelings, when will you ever be able to?
New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

michigan , central_new_jersey , september_2010 , october_2008

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ElleNChuck Posts : 50 Registered: 6/10/10

Re: Need advice: Posted: Jun 25, 2010 5:15 PM Go to message in response to: Vases; I have to agree with some of the PPs, it sounds like FH might be experiencing some serious "cold feet." I would ask him point-blank if he really wanted to get married. Just be prepared, you may not get the answer you wanted.

september_2010 , michigan , september_2012 , virginia

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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08

Re: Need advice: Posted: Jun 25, 2010 9:04 PM Go to message in response to: Vases; I think it is pretty obvious he is hesitant at the very least to get married. I would find out where his head is at soon so if he doesn't want to get married you have time to cancel vendors and get some of your deposits back.

michigan , september_2010 , upstate_hudson_valley , october_2011

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06

Re: Need advice: Posted: Jun 25, 2010 9:40 PM Go to message in response to: Vases; Ladies,

There are some people who go through life as Perpetually Engaged.

A typical scenario is that a couple are seeing each other, then want to move in together.

One of the two feel that they cannot move in together unless they are engaged or married. The other has no desire to get married.

So, they get to a compromise. They announce the the word they are Engaged. They refer to each other as fiancé and fiancée. They feel OK about moving in together, after all they are Engaged. They get invited to social functions together, as No Ring No Bring includes engaged couples.

They never actually get married.

The person who doesn't want to be tied down just drags his/her feet. The person who wants to get married makes excuses for the other.

This can go on year after year, decade after decade.

The OP may very well be in such a situation. She wants to get married, and her boyfriend doesn't want to lose her. Thus, he asked her to get married, and they became engaged. Now that the actual wedding is approaching, the boyfriend is doing every thing he can to stall. He won't go look at tuxes, but insists on being part of the process.

If the boyfriend plays his cards right, the wedding will get postponed, then postponed again, then again and again. He gets the companionship (and possibly sex) of having a steady girlfriend without any legal committment.

I told the OP to dump him, and I meant it. She wants to get married, he does not. They are incompatible in this incredibly important life-changing issue. There's no in-between. You are either married or you ain't. The Perptually Engaged are only fooling themselves. They ain't married, they ain't gonna be married.

The OP is very well advised to dump this guy and go out into the world as a single woman, meeting nice marriage-minded men.

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Kimberly212 Posts : 2,211 Registered: 9/12/12

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