wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....

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sarahsmarr Posts : 3 Registered: 6/16/10
wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 7:01 PM

So my husband and I have been married 2 years in Sep. but we never actually had a wedding. We got engaged shortly before he deployed to Afghanistan and about 3 weeks after he deployed we found out we were pregnant and had to do a marriage by proxy (basically me and his power of attorney signed a paper and poof we were married...I didn't even get to see my husband till 6 months after we were married) so that our baby and I would be covered by his insurance. We had planned to do a ceremony anyway when he returned but things were a little rough when he got back and it never happened. Now things are better and his parents are renewing their vows for their 25th anniversary in Nov and they would like us to do a ceremony the same day as theirs and joint reception that evening. I have conflicted feelings and need some advice...Do I seize the opportunity and agree to do it? Do I hold out and wait for a big panniers of our own and do it then? Can I even do one now that were married and have a child and it not be pointless and stupid? Can I wear a big dress and everything?
Confused and Conflicted :(

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chris42005 Posts : 89 Registered: 4/6/10
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 7:35 PM Go to message in response to: sarahsmarr

Just an fyi, vow renrewal on here are a touchy subject. That being said, I am planning my own on our 20th. My hubby is in the Marines. I totally understand about life in the military and deployments and life being rough. I really don't have any advice to offer you. I can see either way. It would be neat to do a vow renewal with your inlaws. I want to do our renewal on our anniversary. If the date you "signed" on the dotted lined is not the date you want and you don't mind "sharing" a date with your inlaws than do it with your inlaws. Another thing to consider is style, do yall mesh stylewise. If you want to do your own thing, than do it. Talk with hubby. Maybe saving up and doing at 5 and doing a renewal than on your own terms would be the thing to do. Really the only rules that seems to be out there are 1: no veil or train and 2: make sure people know it is a vow renewal. There is alot to consider. One more thing, what is hubby's potential for deployment and his orders that will play into it also.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 8:00 PM Go to message in response to: chris42005

If you do a search for vow renewal you will find a thread that is solely about that, by people friendly to the topic. As PP said, there are some on here who have very strong, entirely negative opinions.

I think they're fine, as long as you're honest that they are what they are. I don't know if I'd personally be comfortable doing one with my inlaws, but that's based solely on my comfort level with my SIL. So I can't offer much for you there, but if it's still not really what you want, then do what it is you really want. If that's on your own, later at a date special to you, do that. If it's now, do it with them. You can do it however you want. I can tell you, if I was invited to a renewal by people I was very close to I'd happily attend. And if my friends wanted to wear a wedding dress/tux and do vows, etc, I'd enjoy the ceremony with them. Especially if they had the situation you two did. But really, I'd base liking it/attendance on whether I was friends with them. If yes, I"d go, if no, probably not, just like with an initial/original wedding. For me, it'd be the same decision process whether to attend or not.

When we do ours, we'll be alone, it's going to hopefully be at the same resort we honeymooned at, and I will wear a dress but a beachy one, and him linen slacks/shirt type thing. But, we didn't go with the destination wedding we originally wanted so we could involve our kids. Thus, family/friends already shared and I already did the dress and we had the reception. So when we do our renewal we want to go back, alone, to our honeymoon destination for about 10 days.

Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 10:56 PM Go to message in response to: sarahsmarr

Dear Sarah,


" his parents are renewing their vows for their 25th anniversary in Nov "

There is nothing wrong with putting on an anniversary party where the anniversary couple take out a few solumn moments to renew their vows. So long as they keep it short and sweet, great.

I do object to a "fake wedding" type event where you have all the bells and whistles of a first-timer's wedding. I'm talking about being escorted down the aisle in a ceremonial white dress, veil, being given away, throwing a bouquet. Weddings are for single people getting married, not for already-married people just continuing on. In my opinion it is, as you said, pointless and stupid.

Another aspect that could be the subject of peoples' dismay is any expectation of gifts. It's gift-grabby for a couple married for some time to suddenly think they can put on a show and then be entitled to gifts.

Here is my suggestion.

If your in-laws are planning an event that is an anniversary party, but with a few solumn moments to renew vows, then there's nothing wrong with joining in. Again, short and sweet. The ladies involved should wear regular party dresses (not bridal gowns) and the men should be in appropriate suits and ties or "dressed up" clothes.

The event should be advertised as a Silver Anniversary Party, so no one gets the impression you're trying to rake in the dough after having been married a couple of years.

During the party, get everyone's attention ("Cling-cling-cling, ladies and gentlemen can I have your attention, please?") then each couple repeats vows. Five minutes, max. Then, back to the party.

If your in-laws are doing the whole fake wedding thing, then I suggest you back out. Two (ho ho) "brides" at one wedding is one bride too many, especially when both are already married. Let the in-laws do what they want, then later you and your husband have an anniversary party of your own. Five years might be a good round number.

Others have mentioned that the subject of a fake wedding is a hot one on this message board. That is true. I am vehemently against the idea of a wedding-like "vow renewal" for the simple reason that you shouldn't need a $500 dress and an audience to renew your vows.

Married couples renew vows ALL THE TIME. They renew vows before they make love, after they make love, on the anniversary of the day they met, on the wedding anniversary, engagement anniversary, on their children's birthdays, on their own birthdays, whenever. It just takes a few seconds: "I'm so glad I married you and would do it all over again." "So would I. I love you." That's it. You don't need the gigantic hoo-haw to do that.

You got married, it's a done deal, now move on and act like a married woman. Married women don't catch bouquets. Married women don't flirt with other men. Married women don't get married.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 11:05 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Dear Cyndi,

"When we do ours, we'll be alone, it's going to hopefully be at the same resort we honeymooned at, and I will wear a dress but a beachy one, and him linen slacks/shirt type thing."

You and I already know we disagree on the basic idea of the wedding-ish vow renewal with an audience. Done deal. We agree to disagree.

However, I'll make it clear that what you have in mind (quoted above) is perfectly OK with me. Just the two of you in a meaningful location (or any location, could be the ball park for all I care), great, fabulous, wonderful. If you have the money, you could do that every year, every month, as far as anyone is concerned. It's your business and your business alone so long as you don't involve other people.

My objection starts the instant it becomes my business; that is when the invitation hits the mailbox. That's where I have the problem. How do I decline, politely, without hearing "Boo hoo you don't love me!!" ? What am I supposed to do about a gift, seeing as how I probably gave them a gift when they got married for real? Finally, how the heck can I drag my poor husband to such an event, when even on a good day he HATES weddings and HATES attending them, but does so out of societal duty? Answer: I won't. I won't waste Marital Brownie Points on a fake wedding.

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 17, 2010 9:43 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Marital Brownie Points

I'm gonna have to write that one down, I love it.

/hijack thread

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 17, 2010 6:16 PM Go to message in response to: sarahsmarr

I used to think that a woman walking down an aisle in a wedding dress after several years of marriage would be completely ridiculous and I would be uncomfortable and unmoved at such an event. I mean, I think that it's fine to have one and all --- assuming you've got friends/family who are happy to attend, which is sometimes a questionable assumption -- but I do think putting on the whole shebang of a wedding after already being married is a little nutso.

So I was stunned -- stunned! -- to find myself near tears watching a vow renewal on TV a few weeks ago. And on the Real Housewives of New York City, no less. I mean, this is a show already about entitled narcissists, so I assumed that when Ramona decided she was going to have a vow renewal where she would descend down a staircase in a white dress, to say vows to her husband of 17 years in front of about 50 or so guests, who would afterwards drink and eat and dance. . .well, I assumed that I would be very judgmental, think it was ridiculous, and feel very AOTB about it.

Well, truth be told, I did think it was ridiculous. . .but when they were saying their vows, I was also incredibly moved. They weren't less meaningful just cause they were already married. And when the camera panned their guests, several were quite clearly touched, some crying, and it felt pretty honest. And I watch a LOT of reality TV, so I know when to spot insincere BS.

Anyways, it kinda changed my mind about vow renewal ceremonies; I honestly felt that if I were there that day, I would have been honored to share that moment with them. Were all the bells and whistles necessary? Of course not. But it didn't change the fact that the ceremony was very real, very sweet, very honest, and very lovely.

So, I say go for it if you can make it meaningful to YOU. If you can, then you'll have that, at least, regardless of other people's opinions. If you personally will not find it meaningful, though, skip it.



__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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sarahsmarr Posts : 3 Registered: 6/16/10
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 11:48 AM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I guess most of my confusion comes from the fact that we never exchanged vows so is it really a vow renewal? If I do it it will not be some big over the top ostentatious event. It will be a very simple event with only family and the closest of friends. I don't expect gifts from anyone and I don't want any either. I merely want to share a moment with family and friends that I missed out on two years ago because of a difficult situation. My inlaws were in a very similar situation when they got married and never had a wedding either so this is a very special day to them. Their ceremony wont be a big ordeal either. It will also only be family and close friends with a dinner and party to follow. My mother in law feels the same way I do and only wants to share an important moment with family and friends. I felt unsure about it before but upon reading the negative response I wonder why anyone would really think its that big of a deal???

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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: sarahsmarr

It's not that big of a deal. Don't let the negative comments disturb you. If you want to do the renewal go for it and enjoy.

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sarahsmarr Posts : 3 Registered: 6/16/10
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 1:34 PM Go to message in response to: sarahsmarr

Dear auntofthebride,

"You got married, it's a done deal, now move on and act like a married
woman. Married women don't catch bouquets. Married women don't flirt
with other men. Married women don't get married."

First of all, it is very presumptuous of you to assume that because I am asking for opinions on the idea of a vow renewal ceremony that I do not in fact act like a married woman. My post gave no indication one way or the other of how I act and seeing as the only information you have about me is from my post you do not have the proper information to make such judgements on my character. Second of all, I simply asked for general opinions on the idea of a vow renewal ceremony and not for specifics of the ceremony itself. If I decide to do said ceremony I will have already decided to ignore nay sayers such as yourself, for it is impossible to placate everyone, and will most certainly not be asking the opinions of such people on the specifics of my ceremony. Third of all, the "don't flirt with other men" statement really has no business in this conversation at all and is completely unrelated. But since you brought it up, in my opinion only a woman with a guilty conscience would make such a statement that is entirely nongermane to the current conversation. Finally, your statement about married women not getting married is technically correct (as that would be illegal), however I was not asking your opinion on marriage I was asking about a wedding ceremony and there is a difference between the two. A marriage is a legally bound union between two a man and a woman where as a wedding is a ceremony or celebration for that union(look it up if you don't believe me). So yes your were technically and legally correct that a married woman can not get married but there is no reason a married woman can not have a wedding, or in this case a vow renewal, ceremony.

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dodgercpkl Posts : 130 Registered: 9/27/09
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 1:46 PM Go to message in response to: sarahsmarr

Some people judge life only based on their thoughts and beliefs with no room for being open to new ideas or thoughts. At the end of the day, you should do what you feel is best for you and your hubby, and what feels right.

My husband and I got married by civil ceremony earlier this year for immigration purposes. My in-laws couldn't afford the trip to the USA in time to meet the requirements, so we are having a family/religious ceremony in October. I will be wearing a wedding dress, we will be saying our vows, I will be having BM's and my hubby GM's, and my church pastor will officiate. The only thing different is that we won't be signing a marriage license since we are already married.

Like you, we are inviting only family and a few close friends to the ceremony. Everyone coming is fully aware of our situation and are pleased to be a part of it "fake" or not. And honestly, even though I'm married, I consider this ceremony just as important to me as the civil ceremony since this is the one I get to do with all my family and before God.

Like you, we don't expect any gifts and don't have room for registry items anyway. I'm not registered, am not having a bridal shower (despite people trying to pressure me into one), nor am I doing any of the other usually pre-wedding stuff. Just planning on a special time with my family and close friends.

I'm simply looking forward to marrying the most wonderful man in the world (to me) for a 2nd time! :)


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chris42005 Posts : 89 Registered: 4/6/10
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 2:05 PM Go to message in response to: sarahsmarr

Sarah, even though you have not exchanged vows, I would call this a vow renewal. I think that would keep things clear and you can let your mom and his mom know that you are not expecting anything gift-wise. Your mom and family can let it be know via word of mouth about gifts. I think you should go ahead and do this with friends and family.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 3:41 PM Go to message in response to: sarahsmarr

Can I even do one now that were married and have a child and it not be
pointless and stupid? Can I wear a big dress and everything?

OK - so I'm confused. You came on here asking for OPINIONS. You asked the questions stated ABOVE.

But now you're pissy because someone doesn't think you should do it and she expressed HER OPINION.

If you wanted only people who told you it was a great idea then you should have said that in the original post.

That said - Yes it is a vow renewal as you are already married. Personally, I don't get the whole big fancy white dress wedding if you are already married (And I saw the Housewives episode that MrsD mentioned and thought it was nice enough - loved the vowels they wrote though). It would depend on how well I knew the people involved whether or not I would choose to attend. I think a party/reception type event with maybe a very short vow exchange as mentioned by a PP to be cute.

But more than that gets weird - in my opinion.

 

 

 

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 6:52 PM Go to message in response to: sarahsmarr

"If you do a search for vow renewal you will find a
thread that is solely about that, by people friendly to the topic. As
PP said, there are some on here who have very strong, entirely negative
opinions."

The replies you received, were why I suggested you search for the vow renewal thread, where there are others planning the same types of ceremonies who would not have these same opinions. You got the replies that are always received when this question is posted here. By the same people who always reply to this question, with the same opinions. Honestly, those opinions won't change and AOTB's reply was much milder than generally on this topic.

But, if you really want to talk with other people who are doing what you are doing, do the search and go to that thread. You aren't going to change minds here, but there is absolutely no reason why that needs to affect you and your decisions/plans in the least.

In my opinion, I would not mind at all if someone had a vow renewal with dress, bouquet, tuxes, attendants, whatever. But there are others out there who feel just like AOTB and MRs M. So, you've got various opinions now and can continue with your planning. If you want to talk to others doing the same, visit the thread I previously mentioned. I've been on here for over 3 years, and the replies and opinions on this topic have not changed.

Same goes for the other PP on here planning a renewal, the immigration one. The vow renewal thread would probably provide more what you're looking for, and arguing here isn't going to change the people's minds on this issue. THis is a hot button topic, just like cash bars, kids at the wedding, asking for cash/honeymoons as a gift, etc.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: wedding/ vow renewal ceremony....
Posted: Jun 19, 2010 9:10 AM Go to message in response to: sarahsmarr

Dear Sarah,

"First of all, it is very presumptuous of you to assume"

Why ask for peoples' opinions on an anonymous message board if you're just going to take offense at the opinions offered?

Do whatever you want, and justify it however you want. I can't stop you.

Nor can I stop people from laughing at you behind your back, saying (in your own words) "Pointless and stupid".

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