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Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!

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Dani303 Posts : 18 Registered: 6/3/10
Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 12:40 AM

Hi Guys,

I need help. My partner and i have put off getting engaged for the past year, as his parents dont like me. He had a falling out with them about a year ago and has refused to talk to them or any of his family or attend any family functions (mainly because his parents try to have HEAVY conversations infront of anyone that will listen)
We have sat down with his mother a couple of times and she denys she has any ill feeling toward me....until we hear all the other aweful things she says through his cousins or starts putting framed pics of ex girlfriends around the house...which is why we made the decision to cut all his family out of our lives...we were sick of the negativety and lies..his parents are very manipulative and always put him down...so much that he has tried to kill himself a few times over things they have done and said..
SO here is the question...how do we invite his parents and family to our engagement party and wedding, after not speaking to them for so long? we want them to feel wanted there and to put all the past behind us and move on with our lives.
How do we make sure they dont make any scenes or try and bring all the negative feelings to the parties?

we are worried they will make speeches and talk about how badly we have treated them and how we shouldnt be togther (which they have done in the past)

Help!

unaccepting_in_laws
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Ariel2013 Posts : 2 Registered: 3/1/07
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 5:30 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

I have a very similar problem! I understand what it is like to have really terrible in-laws. It is an ongoing problem that will never go away as long as he decides to speak with them. I feel your pain! This is how I feel about it and maybe it will help you a little, even though no matter what happens... the situation sucks! And I am sorry for that.

If you both have decided it is best to have them there: I think it is best to just accept that they can not be changed and you will never be able to control their reactions. You may be able to do SOME damage control by just being super polite and warm to them and not acknowledging any of the drama. Because honestly if you are going to invite them then you have to be willing to be the awesome host that makes them feel welcome... as sickening as that may be to you sometimes! haha Maybe invite the parents and close family to a brunch before hand to kind of clear the air before events begin? Or if they do things that irk you, try to laugh it off and play it as a humor thing. You know they're terrible, so why take anything they say seriously? Just remember it so you can laugh about it with your girlfriends later.

If this doesn't seem possible on both your fiance and your parts, then maybe you should ask yourselves: Is it REALLY important for him to have them there? Will it make you happy? If not, maybe you can have a smaller wedding and not have them all there. This is something my fiance and I have discussed, and even though it sounds cold hearted- our friends all know the situation and understand that we have tried to have peace and it will never happen. Plus this wedding is about you and your fiance, not them. This should be a perfect day that makes you happy, so do whatever you need to do to make it the best day ever. make sure once you make your decision that you are content with it. No looking back after!

Sorry for the long reply, but I feel strongly about this issue. Goodluck and Congrats!
"Love Makes the World Go Round"

unaccepting_in_laws
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 8:04 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

My suggestion would be to go and visit them and tell them your plans. Then invite them to the partys.

You can not govern how people will act. They are who they are. All the two of you can do is control how you react to them. If you want them at your events you are going to have to understand that the people you have seen are the people who will be coming.

I just want to say that as a mother I have not liked some of the guys my girls have dated and I made it known to them. Sometimes others can see what you can't.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010 , unaccepting_in_laws
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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 8:10 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

Dani:

You've cut them out of your lives for a reason, and honestly, neither an engagement party nor a wedding reception will make them all warm and fuzzy about either of you. Their behavior is the same.

I think you ought to evaluate why you want to invite them after having had no contact for a year. It is probably along the lines of "everyone invites their parents to the wedding" rather than "gee, I couldn't get married if mom and dad weren't there."

Forego the formal engagement party. Have a celebration with some friends. Send his parents and engagement announcement and see how it is received. Perhaps some time during your engagement, make an effort to go visit them--see if they behave any differently than the past history has shown. If so, invite them. If not....don't.

Sure, it is a slight. It's a huge one. But what is more important...enjoying this special day with your LOVED ones and the ones who love and SUPPORT you.... or having to worry constantly about what his parents will do.

Now ultimately, the decision to invite (or not invite) has to be his. And he might even call them and let them know that their behaviour has consequences...and one of those consequences is that they won't be there for the wedding. Their behaviour after that might even dictate if you'll let them into any future grandchildren's lives. Because honestly, if they are bad enough to drive your partner to suicide attempts, then are they really people you need in your lives?

Misty

september_2009 , unaccepting_in_laws
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Marryingmytruel... Posts : 135 Registered: 2/11/10
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 9:13 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Because honestly, if they are bad enough to drive your partner to suicide attempts, then are they really people you need in your lives?

EXACTLY!!

Sometimes it can be sad or hurtful not to have loved ones around you especially during special times in your life like your engagement/wedding but you need to keep everything in perspective. You cut these people out of your life because it was not a healthy relationship and I know that it sucks sometimes but you did the right thing.

new_york_metro
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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 2:33 PM Go to message in response to: Dani303

PPs are right--you need to evaluate why you would want these toxic people back in your lives. You and FH cut them out for very good reasons. Remember, they are who they are, and even if they should accept your invitations to your events, there is no guarantee that they would behave in the way that you would want.

You also mention that your FH has tried to kill himself "several times." I think that you should carefully evaluate his mental stability and decide whether this is a man who can stand up to the problems that life is sure to throw his way. Spending some time in counseling with a trained psychiatrist or psychologist is, in my eyes, imperative, before you two tie the knot.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

november_1975 , unaccepting_in_laws
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FifiLaLa Posts : 11 Registered: 6/10/10
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 8:26 PM Go to message in response to: Dani303

I agree with Cat. They sound like terrible people - framing pictures of ex-girlfriends? That's so childish and ridiculous. Why you would want them to be a part of your life is beyond me, but if you really want to clear the air between you, then I would suggest just sending them an invitation in the mail. Whether they respond or not is their business; you've done your part, now the ball is in their court.
"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think."

new_york_metro , unaccepting_in_laws
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Ariel2013 Posts : 2 Registered: 3/1/07
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 17, 2010 3:37 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

To
kennysoldwife:
I just have to say that I don't think it is ever ok to tell someone you do not like someone as a parent- especially a young girl that is dating your kids. I don't think it is ok because it is so hurtful. Are you trying to say Dani's in laws are correct?! Because that is very presumptuous and mean.

I think it's obvious her in-laws are in the wrong and shouldn't be treating either of them like that. It's destructive and pushes your kids away from you. Why don't you try some constructive criticism to your kids instead of bashing the person they're dating to their face?


"Love Makes the World Go Round"

Edited by: Ariel2013 on Jun 17, 2010 4:17 PM

unaccepting_in_laws , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 17, 2010 4:32 PM Go to message in response to: Ariel2013

Seems to me that people should worry about their own kids and not bash how anyone else raises theirs.

 

 

 

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 17, 2010 4:39 PM Go to message in response to: Ariel2013

Seems to me that if you see your kids making a huge mistake, then you have an obligation as a parent to at least give them your opinion and the reasons why. Your duty, as a parent, is to your children not their friends or GF, BF. And yes, sometimes parents (people who have known their kids their entire lives and are not emotionally caught up in the dating relationship) can see things that their children cannot. I have done the same, with inappropriate friends as well. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago I had to tell one such 'friend' to leave, yet again, as he is not welcome in our home. He is an extreme example, but the point is the same. That is our right.

What the children do with that information is then up to them. But presumably the OP is an adult, so we are not talking about parents saying nasty things to a young girl. We are talking about parents expressing their opinions to adults. But they also have that same right no matter what age. I have always thought that honesty and being upfront is better than fake or passive aggressive anyway. If the OP's FH and she choose to distance themselves from them then that is also their right. But, no one knows exactly the details. My larger concern/worry for them is, below.

I want to reiterate what Myras said. If your BF has made multiple suicide attempts, then I hope that before marrying he takes part in psychiatric / psychological care. Suicide attempts seem to me to indicate much more going on emotionally/mentally with him than just crummy, nasty parents. I mean, it's a pretty drastic measure of self hurt and could indicate much more going on with him than he's aware of.

Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People

southern_shore_new_jersey , unaccepting_in_laws , october_2010 , march_2007
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 17, 2010 5:06 PM Go to message in response to: Ariel2013

To Ariel2013

Let's get it straight my children are adults, I have raised them to be incredible people with their own minds. They also happen to be female or at least the adults are. My son is not of an age to date. However when the time comes if he were to bring around a young lady that I detest I will let him know. No sense pulling punches that is so not me. I do not believe in being phony. I see no reason to be anything other than who I have been all of my children's lives all of my life. If I were to all of a sudden change and not say what was on my mind, my family would think something was wrong with me.

Just so you know my daughters and I have a wonderful relationship, we are very close. It should also be pointed out to you that any young man they have dated that I didn't like turned out to be the jerk he presented himself to be in the beginning.

Why don't you try some constructive criticism to your kids instead of
bashing the person they're dating to their face?
Who is it that I am bashing my child or their date? I am a little confused. If it is my child you are refering to read above. I have always said what is on my mind so my children know what to expect. If you are talking about the person they are dating, they are prepared in advance if not that was the responsiblity of the daughter in question to have taken care of.

I do thank you for your childrearing advice, I'm sure it made you feel ever so much better for having done so. I will definately take it all under advisement. I will be sure to share your concerns with my children I am sure they will give it the consideration it deserves.

I have no idea what is going on with the OP's future in laws. If they are treating their son negatively I think that is a problem. If they are expressing their feelings about the young lady, that is their right. I don't know the family dynamics and neither do you. I hope for the OP's sake that she takes Myras advice to heart and encourages her FH to seek counseling for his deeper seated issues.


Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P, People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010 , unaccepting_in_laws
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HamzicBride Posts : 178 Registered: 12/28/09
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Jun 28, 2010 6:26 PM Go to message in response to: Dani303

First so sorry to hear what you are going through. That is such a sad situation to be in. You should be able to share such a happy time of your life with family.

Here is what I would do and again I won't be the best one to give you advice because I am not going through this. Fortunately for his family, you guys sound like a mature, level headed couple and they are fortunate that you are trying to be mature with the situation despite their actions and behavior.
I would try to keep it simple and simply send them an invitation and act as tho nothing has happened in the past. Knowing you guys have not talked to them and maybe feelings have left hurt, they might just decide to not come at all BUT you guys will have done your part. Either way sending them the invitation is the only thing you can do for now.
If they do let you know that they are going to come, then I would call them either prior or have a chat with them there(take them aside) and just make it clear. This is about celebrating blah blah blah...you request that no fights be brought up or they will be asked to leave. As grown up adults, they should be able to understand that and if they cant, well they won't be able to participate in your events.

Hope it helps.


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JenniferWillson Posts : 2,083 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Sep 15, 2012 3:15 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

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Re: Please HELP ME!!! Stupid soon to be in laws!
Posted: Sep 24, 2012 3:55 PM Go to message in response to: Dani303

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