Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?

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cmb820 Posts : 5 Registered: 5/9/10
Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 15, 2010 6:25 PM

Ok ladies this is my inaugural post here so please bear with me.

My father is 100% funding our wedding next May. My mother died nearly 6 years ago so my father has given me total control (within reason) of the planning because it's not his thing at all. My fiance's family hasn't offered to pay for any of the "traditional" groom's fare such as boutenierres, my bouquet, or the groomsmen's transportation. His father, however, is officiating our ceremony as he is a pastor so I have reserved some ceremonial decisions to him. I am generally okay with this except:

My fiance seems to have taken slight issue with me not involving his family's input on the planning. I take into account my fiance's suggestions of course, but I still see myself as having "final say" since my family is financing the event. I honestly (and this may come off as harsh) don't have a real concern for his family's opinions and suggestions.

I tried to say, in so many words as kindly as possible, that my family is financing and therefore hosting so we/I get to make the decisions, or at least the bulk of them and that his family's involvement/input isn't required whatsoever, especially since they are hosting the rehearsal dinner. My fiance doesn't see it this way and has even used the dread "B" word (Bridezilla!!!). Am I wrong in believing this? Am I being too controlling, or worse, a gasp Bridezilla?? Or does my fiance's family need to take a bit of a backseat and let me plan as I see fit?

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cmb820 Posts : 5 Registered: 5/9/10
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 15, 2010 6:26 PM Go to message in response to: cmb820

One more thing I forgot to add:

So far I have split our guests evenly. However, because my family is shouldering some costs traditionally reserved for my fiance's family, I feel like I should have a few more guests on my side. Is that too much?

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chris42005 Posts : 89 Registered: 4/6/10
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 15, 2010 6:36 PM Go to message in response to: cmb820

Yes, you get to make the final decisions for your wedding. Your DF should get to have some input also seeing how he is also involved. That being said, there are family traditions on both sides of the family that might be nice to include. They may even think of something that slipped your mind. That being said, sit down and talk with your DF. By letting him know where you are coming from and what you were expect, he can than get on the same page as you and then both of you can talk to his family. You can always listen to what they have to say for the wedding but you don't have to do it.

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cmb820 Posts : 5 Registered: 5/9/10
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 15, 2010 6:52 PM Go to message in response to: chris42005

Thanks :) That's exactly how I feel about it and was trying to say. I'm not trying to be a totalitarian ruler here, but I want to have the wedding that I've envisioned without "too many cooks in the kitchen", you know?
From what I understand, his family carries no actual wedding traditions whereas my family has tons. And if they were to suddenly come up with some, I'd consider them, especially if they were important to my fiance. I just don't want my toes to be stepped on in the planning process and I certainly want no demands to be put on me, especially since I have made NO demands on anybody regarding our wedding.

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KCI Posts : 150 Registered: 3/30/09
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 15, 2010 11:32 PM Go to message in response to: cmb820

Whoever is paying usually has more say, BUT.........do you really want to start your married life off on bad terms with your future inlaws? I realize it gets difficult when too many people are trying to give you opinions, but this is your FH and future inlaws you're talking about. You should be able to accept the idea of listening to their thoughts, even if you don't use their ideas.

If you want orange flowers and they want red, you go with orange - your dad is paying, it's yours & FH's decision. But it doesn't hurt to at least listen. You never know when someone might have a good idea. And do remember this is also FH's day. While some guys don't care that much about the details of the event, make sure he's happy.

Also remember, while you want your wedding to be perfect, it is only one day. You don't want your future inlaws to be frustrated and annoyed with you because you refused to even listen to their suggestions. And since you mentioned your FH has expressed thoughts that his family should be able to provide suggestions, he could also become frustrated with the day if his family is getting treated like "second-string" because they are not paying for any of the event.

Have you given them free reign with the rehearsal dinner? If you haven't, maybe that would help the situation. Then they are completely planning the even they're paying for. But I still don't think it should be that big of a deal to listen to their thoughts without getting upset.


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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 12:22 AM Go to message in response to: KCI

Seriously? Your fh asked you to at least be open to his family's suggestions and you shot him down. I am leaning pretty far over on the bridezilla side of the fence myself.

The man that you are about to marry, the one to whom you are about to pledge to love until the end of time asked you to include his family in the planning and you refuse on the grounds that your Dad is paying for the wedding. I am seeing trouble ahead. Hurt feelings can last a long time. Starting your marriage by dissing your fh and your inlaws; very bad karma.

Try at least listening to the ideas put forth by your FMIL, a little diplomacy now will make thing go much smoother later on after all these people are going to be a part of your life forever.

Good Luck

 

 

 

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 8:09 AM Go to message in response to: cmb820

I think the fact that her fh asked her to do it says how he feels about it. Really that should be enough to at least try to be openminded about it.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 10:38 AM Go to message in response to: cmb820

This isn't the point, but the idea that the groom's family pay for the bride's bouquet and the other things you've suggested is pretty antiquated. What would you do, pick out your flowers and demand that they pay for one small portion of the florist's bill? I may be wrong, but I think that tradition dates from the days when weddings weren't as big, expensive, and complicated as they are now. I've never heard of a groom's family paying for the bride's bouquet. I've heard of the groom's family traditionally paying for the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon - in reality, the groom's family normally hosts the RD, but I don't know any couples whose honeymoon was paid for by the groom's family. Other than the RD, these traditions seem to have gone the way of the dodo, and it's much more common for the groom's family (if they are willing and able) to just contribute a lump sum towards the wedding rather than paying for specific things.

Anyway, I see your point that your family is hosting, so you should get final say on decisions. However, did you give his family an equal opportunity to host the event? If not, then it seems like you're giving them no say in the planning, using the excuse that they are not paying for the event, which you also gave them no say about. If you were in their shoes, would that seem fair to you?

Regardless of who is paying, it is not just YOUR wedding, and it would be gracious of you to remember that. It is a joining of you and your FH - but it is also a joining of two families. If I were you, I would loosen up and take it as an opportunity to practice your compromising skills, which you'll need in marriage. I understand not wanting too many cooks in the kitchen, but the fact that your FH is calling you a bridezilla tells me that you're being pretty excessive and unbending. If you don't want to involve his family, fine - but at least listen to his opinions and let him have his way on some things. Remember that it is his wedding, too, and while men don't dream about their weddings their whole lives the way some women do, they do think about them and some things are important to them. My husband had always envisioned getting married in a kilt. That messed up the color scheme I originally wanted and I had to reenvision some aspects of the wedding - but it was important to him and I respected that.

And if his opinion is that you should involve his family more, you should think carefully about your priorities. I know you are probably tired to hearing this, but it's true: your wedding is only one day. It's a beautiful and special day, yes, but in the grand scheme of things, it's only one day in your lives. I totally understand why you want everything a certain way, but is it worth jeopardizing your relationship with your FH and alienating his family? Remember that you'll have to deal with the consequences of these actions for years to come. Most of DH's family still has a problem with his brother's wife due to her behavior surrounding their wedding.

My suggestion: give them a project. Pick something that you won't be upset about if it doesn't get done or doesn't get done perfectly. But give them a project and let them run with it. Give them 100% control and tell them that you love whatever they do. That way, they will feel like they're helping and that you value their ideas - but they're focused on their project and out of your hair on the rest of the wedding planning. Another perk to this idea: you get some stupid project done without having to spend time on it yourself.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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cmb820 Posts : 5 Registered: 5/9/10
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 11:37 AM Go to message in response to: cmb820

Maybe I've stated my position all wrong, or maybe I'm being misunderstood, but here's the thing:

I am NOT close-minded about my fiance's opinion or his family's.

I have NEVER "shut down" his opinion nor his family's. If they have given me a suggestion that I wasn't crazy about, I was polite about it and said that it wasn't really the direction I wanted to go, or something along those lines. Some things have been compromised on MY PART because I want to keep the peace and include the things that are important to my fiance. I'm not a dictator, for crying out loud. The mere fact that I have tried to keep things fair so far and pretty much even (at least insofar as the guest list) should say a lot about my willingness to concede to my fiance's happiness and for keeping the peace in the longterm.

Some of you seem to think some of the traditional familial roles in wedding planning are antiquated, and you are entitled to that, but both of our families ARE traditional and thus the traditional roles are being respected. For my fiance's two older sisters, his family happily paid for everything and assumed their "roles". Now it is my family's turn so we are assuming that role, especially since his family hasn't made any indication that they want to contribute financially. His family has expressed an interest to take care of the Rehearsal Dinner, which I very much appreciate and have expressed that to them as well as my intention to let them plan it as they see fit.

Perhaps it is misunderstood that I really do get along well with my fiance's family. I just feel as though my toes are being stepped on a tiny bit, not on anything major.

All I was trying to ask was is it wrong for me to believe that things ("things" being decisions, the guest list, etc) don't have to be 50/50 because the financial contribution hasn't been 50/50, or even anything close to it?

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 12:05 PM Go to message in response to: cmb820

From reading your first post, then your last one, I am not quite sure what the problem is. Your first post seems to be about how your ILs want to have all this say in everything. Then the last post says they actually dont care and they like you.

So whats the problem?

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 12:30 PM Go to message in response to: cmb820

All I was trying to ask was is it wrong for me to believe that things ("things" being decisions, the guest list, etc) don't have to be 50/50 because the financial contribution hasn't been 50/50, or even anything close to it?

Nope, you're not.

In my experience, though, funding really has less to do with it than the actual people/feelings involved. If they haven't "bought in", then, no, they aren't really entitled to having things their way. But, as others have said, the fact that they are family means they should get a seat at the table, even if they don't get their way.

To me, the only issue you have is with your fiance. I'd like to know where this is coming from. It doesn't sound to me, assuming everything you say is factually correct, that you're being the dreaded "B". But it does sound like he's getting some pressure from his family that they have more input. Whether or not they are entitled to more input is really beside the point -- what you've got is a problem that's putting your fiance right in the middle, and he needs to get out of there, stat.

So, talk to him. Your fiance has to understand and agree with you that you have been reasonable, and that the final decisions are yours and yours alone. And he's got to back you up on that. And if he doesn't think you're being reasonable. . .that's the problem. I mean, you sound reasonable to me, but, then again, I've only heard your side. Good luck.

__________________________________________

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starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 12:53 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

Just a random comment. My mom paid for our wedding but my MIL took up more than half the guest list. I love my MIL but that did hit a nerve with me. There where a few other times where she was very insistent that something be done her way which annoyed me because I was thinking, if you want it done that way then YOU pay. However, none of the things she 'put her foot down' about where that big of a deal to me so I dropped it to avoid any long term hard feelings. I even got over having kids at the wedding.

In my MIL defense she let me make some RD decision even though she fully paid for that (hurray for the mashed potato bar).
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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 2:49 PM Go to message in response to: cmb820

I'm still trying to understand what specifically you're having a problem with. What more do they want to be involved with? Design? Music choices? Bar arrangements? Dress shopping? What?

I assume that you and your FH, together, have decided what kind of wedding you want and what styles, traditions, etc., you wish to include. What part of that is his family trying to change or influence? If you two have made your decisions, then it is up to HIM to tell his family that these decisions are set. But, if he is trying to accede to his family's wishes and they go against yours, then you two have to work that out and present a united front to his family.

That being said, it never hurts to bend over backwards where you can to accomodate his family. How about shopping for her dress with his Mother? Offering to participate in rehearsal dinner planning? Asking whether she prefers a corsage or bouquet? Asking whether she has a special song that should be played--or, whatever. Just little things to make the family feel included.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 3:46 PM Go to message in response to: cmb820

As far as the traditional roles go, all I'm saying is that your FH's family may have no idea that it's tradition for them to buy your bouquet and the other stuff you've listed. My MIL has seen three sons get married and I doubt she knows that she was 'supposed' to buy the bouquets, and she's pretty traditional, too. Just sayin' - unless you know for sure that they're snubbing you, I really think you're overreacting on that point. They may think that they're fulfulling their traditional obligation simply by hosting the RD.

As for the rest of your post, then I have no idea what to tell you. Your first post was a rant that everybody wants to be involved and you don't want them involved, yet in your last post, you claim that they ARE involved. If that's the case, then I don't know what to tell you.

Except that your FH isn't happy with the arrangement. You need to sit down with him and have a calm discussion about this. Does he really feel like his family is being left out, or is he responding to pressure from them? Either answer is fine - you need to find out the answer and then brainstorm with him on ways to proceed that will make you both happy.

The issue here isn't really whether or not you're being too controlling. The issue is that your FH thinks you are and that HE is complaining that his family isn't involved enough. You guys need to sit down and find a way to compromise. You're not necessarily right just because your family is paying - nor is he right simply because his family is raising a stink. You need to discuss the issue and come to an agreement - considering what is best for your future marriage, what is best for future relations with both your families, what is best for you both as individuals, and what is best for the wedding IN THAT ORDER. The wedding should not be your #1 priority. Your future marriage and future relationships with your families should come WAY before the details of one day, how it is planned, or who is paying.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Groom & His Family's Input: Too much?
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 11:09 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Dear AB,

"but the idea that the groom's family pay for the bride's bouquet and the other things you've suggested is pretty antiquated. What would you do, pick out your flowers and demand that they pay for one small portion of the florist's bill? I may be wrong, but I think that tradition dates from the days when weddings weren't as big, expensive, and complicated as they are now. I've never heard of a groom's family paying for the bride's bouquet. "

Well, um, that's what we did because it was tradition.

The florist sent the bill for my bouquet and the in-laws' flowers to the groom's family. The florist sent the bill for the rest of the flowers to my parents.

That was "done" that way, then. The florist was totally used to that financial arrangement.

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