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Trouble with parents

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 9:48 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Dear Mindy,

I have read all the messages to this point. And, BTW, I am not even close to pushing 50. I'm pulling 50 behind me on a trailer. I'm 56.

I'll offer my opinion. The dynamics in your famly have cfhanged dramatically, as you of course know. Your parents are obsessed with their grandchild, and for good reason. The kid is ultra-cute, growing fast and grandparents want to enjoy every minute. I have a little grand-nephew about the same age, and I want to see him every chance I get! He changes enormously even week to week.

Here is my advice to you. Get interested and involved with activities where you are, suitable for someone your age and financial situation. Get busy. At the same time, level with your mother. Tell her what you have told us. Print out your message, if necessary. Let your mother know how you feel.

Then, see if your mother's behavior changes. In the mean time, you have other interesting things going on in your life.

You need to cut the apron strings, but at the same time establish an adult-adult relationship with your mother.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 10:14 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

"Your parents are obsessed with their grandchild, and for good reason.
The kid is ultra-cute, growing fast and grandparents want to enjoy every
minute. I have a little grand-nephew about the same age, and I want to
see him every chance I get! He changes enormously even week to week."

True..Very true. And they do change week to week. One week they can't crawl, the next they can. Living in the same town, it just is a huge opportunity to enjoy while it lasts.

I think AOTB's advice, past 50 though she is ;), is great.


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march_2007
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 10:53 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

You need to cut the apron strings, but at the same time establish an
adult-adult relationship with your mother.

This is the best advice. And it's far easier said than done.

With my Mom, it is sometimes difficult. I'm the 'kid' who's together. The one who's always had direction and pretty much knew what she wanted. My brother - not so much.

So a couple of years ago, I was SO excited about something and I called my Mom to tell her. She listened for a heartbeat and then went on and on about all these problems with my brother and things in his life - 45 minutes later I finally get off the phone with her and am crying. I felt horrible and I had originally called her to share this awesome mood.

About two weeks later she called and asked why she hadn't heard from me in a bit. And I told her. It wasn't just this one time - this had been ongoing. I felt like I couldn't be happy or excited about anything - OR there was another time where something bad had happened but I couldn't tell my Mom about it because she just started talking about my brother.

The thing is - my brother DOES need her more, but sometimes I need my Mom to be my Mom. But I know that there are not a lot of people she can talk to about my brother, so I get it. But sometimes, I need it to be about me. We all DO. That's OK. Sometimes we're willing to give so much we don't take care of ourselves.

But I understand, I talked to her about it. And sometimes it still happens. It happens, she needs to talk. But I know that I can get what I need regardless, and maybe not from her.

My point is that that adult relationship is great to strive to - but I'm 35 and it's still difficult sometimes. LOL

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 11:42 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Dear PTG,

"My point is that that adult relationship is great to strive to - but I'm 35 and it's still difficult sometimes"

All adult relationships are difficult.

Co-worker relationships, husband-wife relationships, parent-adult child relationships, boss-employee relationships, sibling relationships (that's an understatement), etc.

That's LIFE.

I sound cruel and heartless but... get used to it.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 14, 2010 12:08 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I get that AOTB. I was trying to reassure the OP.

Trust me, I've had my fair shared of screwed up relationships, I wasn't complaining - I was just letting her know that despite how well I feel about where I am at - it's still hard, it's still something you have to work on. It's not magic.

 

 

 

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FairyTaleBride Posts : 52 Registered: 9/20/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 14, 2010 8:05 AM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

For the record, I am not a bad forum writer so I dont appreciate you saying good catch to Cyndi33. I did not make an alternate identity. I really want to post and help people and perhaps there is another reason that person has the same date as me. I hope that as I help people I can have help and that everyone can respect everyone else. I do not like being flamed for my opinion and I really thought brides.com was the best community of brides. I really didnt think I would join for fun and find myself harassed for having any opinion, but nevertheless, I still want to try to respect and get respect and have fun being an engaged woman. I never asked to get yelled at by Cyndi33 and I do not understand why she feels the need to be so rude all of the time, but if that is just the kind of people I expect to find on these boards then I supposed I ought to lower my standards and be a little more careful who I try to help out. I do hope that she is just a minority and that most other brides are happy, cheerful, people who either are planning a wedding or really do want to share their own experiences to help others.

Again, though, that spl is NOT me.

florida , march_2007 , central_pennsylvania , july_2011 , louisiana , october_2010
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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 14, 2010 10:46 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Thanks for all the advice ladies! It helps to talk it out.

I had a bit if a "test" this morning. I thought it was sort of funny that I just posted about this situation yesterday and then this happens this morning lol...

My mom called me as I was getting ready for work. She is driving my brothers family to an airport that it about 45 mins east of me (I guess they got a better deal on plane tickets than if they would have flown out of the airport that is much closer to where they live). Mom wanted to know how traffic is during rush hour near me, because in order to get to the airport, they would be using the highway that runs directly by my home.

So I told her what to watch out for, and I asked her if she would like to go out to dinner with my fiancée and I, my treat, on her way home (she will be traveling back through my area around 6-7pm tonight). Or she could at least stop in to say hi.....I live 3/4 mile off an exit on the highway she will be driving.

She said no, she won't have time.

So I just pretended it didn't bother me and said, "well...ok! Drive safely and wish everyone a good trip! If you change your mind about visiting me, just give me a call, I'll be at home!"

she told me to have a good day and she would call me this weekend, and that was that.

So I put the ball in her court, and if she decides she doesn't want to stop to see me, then that's her choice! I have to realize that I didn't do anything wrong and that this might just be how it's going to be, you know? :-/

central_pennsylvania
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SPL Posts : 7 Registered: 6/13/10
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 14, 2010 11:51 AM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Mindy just know nothing will change with your parents unless you make it change. Your mother will act the same she has always unless you do something about it.

Just dont keep setting yourself up hoping your mother will change.

florida , central_pennsylvania , july_2011
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 14, 2010 12:36 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Dear Mindy,

You did good, girl.

If you act like it doesn't bother you, you may come to the point where it really doesn't bother you.

Your mom is clueless. The only "cure" is to go back and get conceived by different people.

Just hang in there.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 14, 2010 12:36 PM Go to message in response to: FairyTaleBride

Fairy/SPL, where, in what post, did I "yell" at you?

I do not find it useful to spout roses and sunshine in response to each question on here, and will give my honest opinion to a person who asks when it is a topic I have interest in. I did that. OP understands that it was my opinion. I presume she will take some advice from all the replies and use what she chooses to use.

I also gave you, on another thread, what I consider to be useful advice based on things I've read here and my own planning. If you wish to label that as "so rude all the time" so be it. Your opinion of me is irrelevant, however the alternate identity is funny and that it's continuing, equally so (for me).

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central_pennsylvania , march_2007 , louisiana , florida , july_2011 , october_2010
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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 14, 2010 12:38 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Mindy, That's a good response on your part, and that's really all you can do..AOTB is right.

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march_2007 , central_pennsylvania
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