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Stressing over a silly thing...

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Beeble Posts : 307 Registered: 11/19/09

Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 10, 2010 11:55 AM; For those of you that know me already, I know you have heard this already and I already know what you think... lol But i'm stressing over it again and just needed to vent.

I've been eyeing this used dress on a local buy/sell website that I love! It's an alfred angelo 1516 in claret, about $1100 new here. It's been on there since fall started at about $600 then dropped to $500 then $450 but ihad dropped to like the 35th page of results so it hadn't sold yet. Well today it was reposted to page 1! I can't rationally buy it now because we are not engaged yet... My SO says he is waiting until after his sisters wedding at the end of August. With it being wedding season now, I'm afraid it will dissapear. Like I said... stressing over a silly thing.

The thing is... we are collecting baby stuff for "when we need it". My SO is buying a new car tonight because his other one has broken down too often lately and he has decided on getting a family car for "when we need it". Everyone seems ok with that but I'm told that I'm crazy for wanting to buy this dress for "when I need it" (which will definately come before kids and a family).

I can understand not buying a dress early for those people whose weight yo-yo's because who knows if it will fit, but this dress has a lace up back so would change a size or 2 and I havn't fluxuated more than 10 pounds in the last 10 years anyways.

When my SO's mom and I were at a friends wedding and had had a few drinks we were talking about it and she said that's a great deal and that I should just do it. lol But she is the only one who has had that opinion. Everyone else - and I'm sure most of you on here - thinks i'm nuts.

Has anyone else out there started buying wedding things before being engaged? IMO it certainly would help save on budget!

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 10, 2010 12:18 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble; You could always resell it. If you love it, and if it's a great deal, then go ahead but just knowing that if he doesn't get around to asking you and you get sick of waiting that you might ahve bought it for no reason. Keep it somewhere else though. I would not want to tell I bought a dress before I was engaged as that would make it appear to him I was pushing him or demanding an engagement.

But, ultimately it's your choice and it really doesn't matter what anyone else on here would think or say about it.
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 10, 2010 1:47 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble; I really think you should stop looking at these things and live in the present.

Sure, it's a good deal - but you're not engaged yet and from what I remember of a previous post, it sounds like your boyfriend is making every excuse he can think of and isn't totally on board. So it could be years down the road, or you could decide that you don't want to wait anymore. And if that's the case, you're out $450 or whatever you pay for the dress and stuck with a dress you're never going to wear. My advice is to save the money for when you're actually getting married. Even in the best case scenario, styles will change before you get married and your taste will probably change as well. My wedding was only two years ago and I'd go with a different dress if I was getting married now.

As for the baby stuff, my honest opinion is that your boyfriend is playing with your emotions by suggesting that you begin getting it. By encouraging you to find good deals on baby stuff, he is putting it in your head that you'll be getting married and having babies soon - but is he proposing? No. Are you making wedding plans? No. Are you trying to conceive this baby that has all this stuff? No, you are not. He's making empty promises and you're cluttering your house with stuff you don't need. Meanwhile, you're no closer to needing it than you were six months ago - he's just making you think that you are.

You want my advice? Have a big yardsale and get rid of everything in your house that has no place in your life AT PRESENT. Stop looking at wedding stuff and baby stuff BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED OR TRYING TO HAVE A BABY! I'm sorry and I know that you want both those things, but you have to be honest with yourself. You're happily making preparations for a certain future while ignoring the fact that your relationship is making no progress towards that future beyond empty words and a closet full of stuff.

If you want to keep deluding yourself, fine. Buy the wedding dress. Keep buying baby stuff. But at the rate you're going, you should probably look into dress preservation before the dress is ever worn. And in all seriousness, please check recalls and expiration dates on all the baby stuff if you ever get to use it because there are safety recalls ALL THE TIME and things do expire, particularly car seats. Personally, I would not purchase or accept baby items unless I was pregnant.
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ElleNChuck Posts : 50 Registered: 6/10/10

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 10, 2010 1:49 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble; I would buy it! I've had my wedding dress for almost 10 years (it's a very simple, classic design) and just got engaged in December! Let me explain:

Tradition in my family is that the bride's maternal grandmother buys her wedding gown. My maternal grandmother knew when I was 22 and a long way from getting married that she was dying and wanted to take me dress shopping even though I didn't even have a serious boyfriend at the time! I called a bridal shop, gave them the low down and scheduled an appointment during their least busy time (at my mother's suggestion, thanks Mom!). Turns out I found this dress... it's been hanging in my mom's closet ever since. Basically, it was my dying grandmother's wish to take me wedding dress shopping. Hey, who am I to argue with the woman who sent me to summer camp all those years?

Anyhoo, since your FH is all about planning for babies now, I see no big deal if you start planning for a wedding.

september_2012 , virginia

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KCI Posts : 150 Registered: 3/30/09

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 10, 2010 3:09 PM Go to message in response to: ElleNChuck; Beeble - I haven't read you're other posts so I don't know what it's like between you and your BF, but I understand wanting to get the dress and I have done something similar.

About 2 years ago (way before I even met my bf) I found this really pretty "bridal" headband with silver shamrocks and trinity knots on it. Well.....I'm not engaged yet and I actually bought it yesterday. Even though my bf and I are not engaged yet, we have been talking about a September 2012 wedding. I had been looking at this headband for 2 years on one website and suddenly yesterday found it on a different website on sale for $50 off it's usual price. I bought it, and told my bf who thought it was a good idea since I like it so much.

My thought behind it was that it's a headband. It can be used for more than a wedding. If something were to happen between my bf and I, or I decided I didn't like it by the time Sept 2012 rolled around, it could easily be used for and Irish dancing costume headband, for first communion, etc.

If there is serious wedding discussion going on between you and your bf, and he's ok with you getting a dress now, go ahead. That's a great deal. But if you're not sure it will happen, you may want to reconsider. Although I guess if you didn't end up wanting/needing it you could always resell it. But as a PP has mentioned, dress styles will change in a few years. I've looked a tons of dress pictures, but wouldn't buy or even try any on until I was engaged and closer to the wedding. Dress styles change a lot.

berkshires_western_massachusetts , september_2012 , virginia

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Beeble Posts : 307 Registered: 11/19/09

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 10, 2010 4:06 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride; Cyndi:
You are right I could always resell it, regardless of weather things didn't happen or if I decided I really didn't like it anymore. I'd be going out to a small town 2 hours away to get it, and coming from a big city it would probably be easier to resell it here. I wouldn't keep it at home for sure, his mom said I could hide it at her house (just like I do his Christmas presents). lol. I actually might just take a different approach to this and straight up ask him if he would think I was crazy to buy it. I won't of course tell him what it looks like

Art: Yes, thank you... like I said some of you know me and have already heard this and I already know what you think. I severely hope you are wrong, you seem to have a downer view on almost everyones threads - this I know by now.

ElleNChuck: Awwwwwwww that is such a sweet story! After that I definately wouldn't care about if styles had changed I'd wear it to have my grandma "there" with me.

KCH: I've never been one to follow trends (I can't stand the whole 80's look skinny jeans thing right now EWWWWWWWWWWW) So regardless of how trends or fashions are in a year or two I'd still love this dress because it's so me. It's also has mine and my SO's all time favorite color in it.
And, I agree, when you find a good deal on something you love you should go for it. Got any pics of your headband? I'd love to see = )

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 10, 2010 5:58 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble; I severely hope you are wrong, you seem to have a downer view on almost everyones threads - this I know by now.

Wow, you think I have a downer view? Girl, you clearly don't know me very well.

I'm just being realistic, and from what I've read of your previous posts, it sounds like your boyfriend is all talk. But like I said, if you want to buy the dress, go for it. It's your money, spend it however you want. My advice is to leave wedding dresses until you're getting married and to leave baby stuff until you're pregnant. But what do I know?
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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 10, 2010 6:07 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride; Beeble,

I don't know all that's been written before with your BF, or how many times he's put off asking. Anyway, I definitely would not tell him. I believe, if he's already put it off before, that will only cause him to think you are pushing, etc. But your choice, you know him best.

Honestly, I think ARt is just pragmatic and really not a 'downer'. I kind of agree, honestly, that surrounding you with things that you want to need, or be using, but have no current need of or ability to use (baby stuff, wedding stuff) could only make it more difficult on yourself.

However, I don't see a problem with buying a dress that you really love since you could resell it if need be and not be out the entire amount probably.

The baby stuff though, items are frequently recalled, so just beware of that. I have some friends, they can't get pregnant, they've been trying to adopt for years, but are pretty picky on baby. THey've had a couple times with an almost deal, but so far they are going on 5 years of a completed, fully decorated, and empty nursery. It's a daily reminder of what they don't have. I read art's advice more along those lines, as in, doing those things is probably making it tougher on you given your current situation, though I can't speak for her. And then, the recall/safety issue with baby things specifically. And if BF is buying baby stuff just to placate you with no intention of actually acting to get married and start a family, I don't even know what to say about that, but it'd take a pretty lousy person to do that to someone they are supposedly in love with. So, I hope that's not what he's actually doing here.

Anyway, just my 2 cents.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 11, 2010 8:05 AM Go to message in response to: cyndi33; I read art's advice more along those lines, as in, doing those things is probably making it tougher on you given your current situation, though I can't speak for her. And then, the recall/safety issue with baby things specifically.

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. Sorry, I thought that was obvious and it really never occured to me that anybody would read it in another way, so I didn't know where the 'downer' comment came from. Thanks for pointing that out, Cyndi.
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KCI Posts : 150 Registered: 3/30/09

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 11, 2010 8:53 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride; Beeble - I've never been a trend follower either. I have such a hard time finding clothes I actually like enough to wear. So that's one less reason to not get it. $450 for a dress you love is an amazing deal.

Here's the headband. Simple but pretty. I love it.

march_2007

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Beeble Posts : 307 Registered: 11/19/09

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 11, 2010 11:07 AM Go to message in response to: KCI; Oh no, we havn't BOUGHT any of the baby stuff, it was all offered to us for free as friends kids have outgrown, and they don't plan on having any more. Yes I understand about recalls, when we got all the stuff I checked it all for recalls, and would do so again down the line when the time comes.

KCH oh that is very pretty! I like it.

My SO got to pick up his brand new car last night, it wasn't supposed to get in until Monday. Of course the dealer kept trying to sneak in fees for this and that and nickle and dime him to death. I was there to keep all that under controll. He's quite the penny pincher so It was tough for him to make such a big purchase. This is why I think he will appreciate me saving on a dress!

march_2007

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bkurtz Posts : 11 Registered: 5/27/10

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 11, 2010 7:18 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble; I would say go for it! As long as you know for sure that this is the man you will be marrying and it will be soon. I would suggest talking about it to your boyfriend if you haven't already, just to get his opinion. There is nothing wrong with planning ahead

My boyfriend and I also have the "for when we have a baby" box. There is nothing wrong with planning and being prepared for the future.

minnesota , june_2012 , march_2007

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usfbeachbum Posts : 27 Registered: 6/6/10

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 12, 2010 12:39 AM Go to message in response to: Beeble; Beeble, DH and I knew we were going to get married three months after we were together. And we talked casually of getting married and discussed how we envisioned our wedding. From three months into the relationship we knew we would have a wedding for our friends in the US and yes a second wedding in Cyprus (because we love and respect his parens enough to give them the joy of seeing us married in a church, by a priest! -sorry ranting as some people seem to believe you only get ONE wedding). Yet he didnt propose until three years later, and we had our courthouse wedding four months after the proposal.

You know him, we don't and if this the dress you want, it is a great deal! Get it, and hide it so he doesnt see it!!! Tell him about it, it might get him excited about a wedding. Sometimes you don't know what they're waiting for. But Im sure its for something. (Mine was waiting for an official introduction to his parents, even though I spoke with them every weekend).

Get it! and if you can, post a pic!!

march_2007 , may_2011

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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 12, 2010 12:57 AM Go to message in response to: bkurtz; I remember your post months ago about your boyfriend dragging his feet. First of all, I would never bring baby items into my home unless there was a baby being born. My mother passed down a superstition that it is bad luck to buy anything for the baby until you feel it move. I would at least wait for my first trimester to be over. As far as the dress goes, I would wait until I was actually engaged. There will always be great dresses out there don't worry. I think you are getting way ahead of yourself. I definitely wouldn't discuss it with your boyfriend because it seems as though he is already gun shy.

minnesota , upstate_hudson_valley , june_2012 , october_2011 , march_2007

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FifiLaLa Posts : 11 Registered: 6/10/10

Re: Stressing over a silly thing...: Posted: Jun 12, 2010 10:26 AM Go to message in response to: Beeble; Ditto everything that the PPs have said. You need to relax. Men will propose on their own timeline. If you feel that you can't be together unless you're engaged, then maybe you shouldn't be together. I am not even going to touch the fact that you've bought baby stuff already because that's insane.
"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think."

new_york_metro

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