My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.

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lalalawhite Posts : 3 Registered: 6/7/10
My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 12:21 AM

So here is the thing... my dad is awesome but when it comes to dressing up, he just doesn't like it. He's a simple guy, and when you throw him into a setting that it very formal, around formal people he gets really uncomfortable and i understand that.

The thing is, when it comes to your children, i think you need to suck it up and sometimes do things that are uncomfortable. My brother recently got married, and my dad simply did not want to wear a suit so he didnt go to the wedding. He didnt want to pay for a suit (because he would never wear it again) and even if someone paid he wouldnt want to wear it. This, for obvious reasons caused a strain on their relationship because it was really important to my brother for our father to be there.

Before i even start planning anything, i really feel the need to figure out what to do about my father for my wedding. I think i would feel bad either way.

a) if he wore a suit i would feel sad and guilty that he did it for me, but he couldnt do it for my brother

b) If he didnt wear a suit, it would be weird. He honestly wanted to wear jeans and a tshirt to a formal wedding. he would be so out of place. And it hurts that he couldnt do something so small for us... And even worse, he might just not come.

I dont want to even think about walking down the aisle and the father/daughter dance because that probably wont happen. EDIT: (because i dont think he would want to, not because im concerned of what others think of his clothing)

Does anyone have any thoughts? i was considering having a less formal wedding and buying him something to wear that is nice yet still somewhat formal... but really? i just dont know...

Sorry that was so long!

Edited by: lalalawhite on Jun 8, 2010 2:36 AM

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dodgercpkl Posts : 130 Registered: 9/27/09
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 12:58 AM Go to message in response to: lalalawhite

My dad hates wearing suits too since he wore them most of his life for work. He will however at times compromise and wear a sports jacket, no tie, nice shirt and nice slacks... is that an outfit that he'd be willing to make work? If so, I think it would be perfectly acceptable for him to wear that to your wedding.

If not, another thought is to just have a more casual type of wedding and have him wear slacks and a nice shirt.

TBH I have no idea what my dad is planning to wear to mine. I'm thinking he'll suck it up and wear a suit, but honestly as long as he is there and walking me down the aisle, I don't really care what he wears! :D


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LAcat88 Posts : 39 Registered: 9/15/07
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 1:12 AM Go to message in response to: lalalawhite

I think you should ask your father what he would be willing to wear. Ask him to think deeply and not just tell you jeans and a tshirt. Then choose from the things he's willing to wear.

You just need to choose what is more important to you, having your father at your wedding or having your family look "picture perfect" because he's obviously willing to do so.

Alternatives can be a nice button down shirt and a tie with slacks, sweaters, etc..

but btw I think its a d*ck move to not attend your kids' weddings over something as trivial as an outfit.

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 1:23 AM Go to message in response to: lalalawhite

I read this and honestly, it made me kind of sad. My dad lives in Mexico City, so I don't get to see him often. And because of the crime situation there, I have not been able to visit.

Anyways off the subject, here is my thing:

My dad had always told me that walking me down the aisle would be the happiest day of his life. My dad told me he owns a brown suit, would that be okay to wear to the wedding. There are no Mens Wearhouse in Mexico.

I told him that would be fine. I could still order him a tux with his measurements and if the tux didn't fit, it wouldn't matter. He still had something to wear.

My dad asked me. If I wanted my brother to walk me because he didn't have the proper attire. I told him, no way. I wan't him there. I only ordered the tux anyway because it was the free one.

My SIL's dad is a big Harley guy. He wore his Harley gear to her wedding. I don't think she cared.

I'm not trying to sound mean. I'm just saying that it didn't matter to me what my dad showed up in as long as he was there to celebrate our day!

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lalalawhite Posts : 3 Registered: 6/7/10
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 2:35 AM Go to message in response to: mrscreamer2be

Dont get me wrong, im not really into the whole "looking perfect for pictures" thing and making sure he looks right walking with me. I see now how that sounded though. I actually find wedding photos cheesy and am trying to find ways to make them...not perfect? lol its hard for me to explain.

The difference is that your dad WANTS to do it for you. he wants you to be happy... when i said that i dont even want to think about walking with him and dancing because, i meant that i dont think he would want to. i think that would make him uncomfortable and he wouldnt see the point in doing it, even if its for me.

My whole issue with him not wearing something nice really isnt the FACT that he wont, its that it hurts me that he wont even consider it because HE doesnt want to. It hurts me because he is being selfish.

As for the advice though, i think i could get him to wear like a nice shirt and slacks, but again i feel guilty that he'd be making an effort for me and couldnt do it for my brother.. especially since my brother would be there that day with his wife, who would also see that.



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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 9:52 AM Go to message in response to: lalalawhite

OP,

I don't think it's remotely selfish or demanding of you to want your dad (and any other guest) to come to your wedding wearing appropriate clothing for the occasion. And I don't think you should make your wedding "casual" if that's not what you want. I actually think it's pretty darn selfish for someone to say "well I don't like suits so I'm not coming". And for your dad not to attend your brother's wedding because of his disdain for particular clothing...sounds like there is much more to that. Either your dad has serious social issues (and I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically) and is afraid of formal situations (in which case he should work on that instead of running away from it) or your dad and brother have serious issues between them. Otherwise, if there's nothing to it other than personal likes and dislikes, that is really sad.

Obviously you want your dad there, and I think you should just express that to him honestly and in an adult manner. "Dad, I want you at my wedding and I'd like for you to wear clothing appropriate to the occasion. Will you please wear a suit for me?". Hopefully that is enough to squash the issue.

 

 

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 10:47 AM Go to message in response to: lalalawhite

Dear Lala,

You are between a rock and a hard place. It's time for you to extricate yourself, and let the rock and hard place fight it out themselves.

Specifically: Plan the wedding you want. Tell your father your plans, and tell him you hope he can come. Tell him to wear what he wants. (Be sincere.)

Then, step back and let him figure it out. Either he shows up or he doesn't. Either he wears jeans and a t-shirt or he doesn't. Whatever. He's your father, he loves you, you love him, and he makes his own decisions. He's a grown up adult and can dress himself. So long as he doesn't show up naked, than whatever he wears is OK with you.

You, also, make your own decisions. You make the decision to have the kind of wedding you want.
If he looks very much out of place, that's his problem, not yours. You gave him fair warning as to what kind of wedding you were planning.

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 11:17 AM Go to message in response to: lalalawhite

Have you tried asking him? At least for a compromise, like you said. A nice shirt and slacks. I'm sorry. It would really suck if your dad chose not to go to your wedding simply because of attire (his choosing). Best of luck to you!

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 11:27 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Agree with Aunt.

As for your brother, his feelings are not your responsibility. And he shouldn't be the reason for your dad to make the same mistake twice.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 1:36 PM Go to message in response to: lalalawhite

I agree with Aunt. (My private thoughts are that your Dad's shyness, for lack of a better word, and refusal to move an inch out of his comfort zone border on the pathological, but that's another discussion).

Nonetheless, here you are. You want him at the wedding, and he won't budge on his mode of dress. So, invite him, and whatever he wears is OK (try for pants and a nice shirt--if you have to buy them, so be it). BUT, he has sacrificed his opportunities to be a full participant--walk you down the aisle, do the Father/Daughter dance, etc. He can be THERE--but, that's it. Remember, that's his choice, not yours, because you gave him the opportunity to do the right thing and he chose not to.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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jmd22 Posts : 125 Registered: 7/17/08
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 1:49 PM Go to message in response to: lalalawhite

Well, what kind of wedding do you and your fiance want to have? Do you have your heart set on a big, fancy affair with a strict dress code? If the answer is yes, then I think you should have a sit down with your dad and tell him that this is the wedding that you want, and that you would very much like him to be a willing participant, but that if he is absolutely against wearing a suit, then he can wear whatever the heck he wants--but, I would also emphasize that he will look totally out of place. Then from there he can decide to do whatever he wants--he can be an adult and say, ok, and wear the damn suit, or he can be selfish and say no, and show up to your black-tie wedding in jeans and an old t-shirt and look foolish--his choice, and his problem!

On the other hand, if you are not set on having a black-tie wedding, then that is an easy solution to the problem. My fiance and I are getting married on July 3rd in a lakeside ceremony at his parent's house, and it will be a pretty casual, summery affair. My fiance, his groomsmen and our dads will be in khakis and Tommy Bahama button-downs. Would your dad wear something like that?

There are lots of options instead of the traditional suit or tux, depending on what kind of wedding you want to have. I say that you and your fiance make that decision first--no need to stir up this problem with your dad if in the end you decide on a more casual affair....

Good luck! :)

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lalalawhite Posts : 3 Registered: 6/7/10
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 3:32 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thanks everyone... really. You have no idea how the simplest of suggestions have helped me. As for asking him, we tried that with my brother's wedding. Everyone did. He simply got offended and didnt understand why we felt the need to "change" him.

Im actually going to do what Aunt suggested. It really does make sense to just do it how i want to. The day is supposed to be about happiness, and i want my dad there. So you're right, if he comes in jeans, its not my problem so long as he's there.

Plus it might make for some funny photos.

Thanks again everyone... i really really appreciate the help. And everything everyone said really helped me get into a good mindset about it, so for that i thank you dearly <3

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 4:38 PM Go to message in response to: lalalawhite

Dear Lala,

Sometimes you've just gotta do the best you can, then let it go.

If the guy shows up in a clean t-shirt, just give thanks it wasn't a ratty old dirty one.

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g8tors09 Posts : 1 Registered: 6/10/10
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Jun 10, 2010 11:28 AM Go to message in response to: lalalawhite

Wow I hand the same problem. My approach was a little rough, I told him to MAN UP a little. I asked him if he would like to skip the rest of my life as well. He has no phobias or anything, just a problem with me getting married I guess. Oh and he looked very handsome by the way. Maybe a bit mean but it's just one day and even at that I told him he could change into something NICE casual for the reception.

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wzq103 Posts : 1,190 Registered: 9/11/12
Re: My dad wont wear a suit, willing to miss wedding.
Posted: Sep 20, 2012 4:17 PM Go to message in response to: lalalawhite

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