Urgent! Advice Needed.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 2:43 PM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

He got caught and is back pedaling. THere is no other interpretation, if his GF believes him so be it. Just means he's pretty good at lying to her, or she is gullible, or both.

Maybe he never behaved as a sleaze previously, but he did now. And, of course he minds if FH knows, that is why he asked. If it's innocent, then what would there be for your FH to know?

Honestly, the question only has one meaning. Being married does not equate with, as an example, no longer being able to try bungee jumping. It does, however, equate to no sex with the asshat. But, being engaged or in a committed relationship would, IMO, equate to the same thing. He's a letch and spending any amount of time alone with him is, imo, asking for trouble at this point.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 3:00 PM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

There's so much assumption and so much interpretation going on here, most of it based on very little. Ok, he was drunk. OK, what he said was odd, and if it was sexual, it was "deniable." But a simple, "What did you have in mind," or "What do you mean," might have clarified the whole situation. And, if he's such a good friend, you might have tried talking to him when he was sober: e.g."What you said to me last night made me extremely uncomfortable. I don't know whether you meant it in a sexual way or not, but in no way do I keep secrets from my FH. Don't even think about it!" bungee jujmping? Erm, nooo, don't think so.

There's nothing wrong with being direct, instead of wondering, worrying, discussing, e-mailing, interpreting, and still not really knowing the facts.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 3:16 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Myra, He was not drunk the following morning, when he asked again. Problem is, he's lying now and so now she's got the choice to maintain the 'friendship' or not. And the additional choice of telling her FH who is now the only person who does not know what happened.

She did ask him what he meant, and he squirmed out of it and gave her some bs reply. Now, she's got to decide what to do with the 'friendship'. I'd dump it. But he can't use being drunk as an excuse since he asked her the very same question when sober.


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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 3:30 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Yup, totally with Myra here.

Men hit on me when I was hubs's girlfriend, when we were engaged, and since we've been married. I don't tell hubs about each time; not even when it's his friend/acquaintance. Partially because I'm pretty clear that they will never get anywhere, I'm firm, and it never comes up again.

As a side note -- Men are pigs.

My question to you is. . .what are you confused about? Frankly, it sounds to me pretty clearly that he was taking a last shot at getting in your pants, and is now trying to backtrack. It's up to you to decide if you want to let him. I'd probably be quit direct, as Myra suggested -- "Jon, I want you to know that what you said made me pretty uncomfortable. You should know that if it ever, ever, happens again, I will tell my fiance, i.e., your boss, and your girlfriend as well." And after he blubbers, "it was nothing, a total misunderstanding", I'd say "Good." and then I'd drop it, completely.

Put it this way -- even if he's unclear with you, you need to know that you've been only completely clear with him.



__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 3:39 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I guess I can agree with that, also. But I wouldn't tolerate it from a friendship as she describes, where we all do things as a couple. I just have a very low tolerance for pigs, as I was previously married to a huge one. So I'm sure that plays in to it.

Anyway, I think you hit on what is bothering me now. The OP seems to want to be confused, and that is a very dangerous game to play, imo. OP, it's pretty clear what he was trying to do. Once you admit that, then deal with it however you deem best, but it is not unclear what he was trying.

Many men are pigs, but I am very happy to be married to one who is not. I deserve that sort of respect, as does OP. I also require it from people who we are friends with.

I will say that, long ago, we had a couple we were friends with. Her husband and my husband wanted to do a swap. I ended the friendship. And, a couple years later finally ended the marriage. This has most definitely influenced my tolerance for piggish behavior. I have none.


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RebeccaFazzio Posts : 323 Registered: 10/28/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 4:14 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

You are all completely correct.

I suppose the "wanting" to be confused comes from not really wanting this to have happened at all. I really want to believe that it wasn't sexual in nature and I may be keeping up the "confused" part about it because I don't want to acknowledge that my best guy friend is trying to "get in my pants"

I had a more direct conversation with him today and basically said that I felt the entire gist of his conversation with me that night was extremely sexual in nature. He once again told me that he didn't mean it like that and more meant it like, "Going skydiving" I still feel odd about it but because we've been friends for such a long time I'm just going to leave it at that.

Should he try anything again (I'm praying he won't) I'll know without a shadow of a doubt that his intentions are anything but pure.
27000_357855012861_529642861_3534868_1049818_n

To love another person is to see the face of God.

http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RebeccaIngram&ScottFazzio

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 5:18 PM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

After reading through all of these posts, I have to agree with the majority on here that he was trying to get with you, got denied, and is now covering his tracks. You said he's a really close friend of yours, so I totally understand why you're believing what he says. It's hard to see the bad in people we are close with, especially if they never showed the behavior before.

Here is what I would do. Bring it up to your FH, but in a way like youre just telling him anything else, like how your day at work went, how your mom is doing, anything simple like that. You could say something like "I was totally freaking out! The other night friend said x to me and I took it as y, he says he meant Z, what do you think?" Get his opinion on it. The reason I say this is because if someone who was friends w/ FH and I hit on me, I would feel guilty for not telling FH, I would feel like I'm lying to him in a way everytime he/we hung out with that person and I know it would eat away at me. This isn't some random guy at a bar who tried to make a move on you, what this guy did was betrayal to your FH. If someone else betrayed your FH in anyway, even if it had nothing to do with you, wouldn't you want your FH to know?

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 7:32 PM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

Rebecca:

The friendship has already been damaged beyond repair, no matter how much you want to salvage it. You know what he did...he KNOWS you know what he meant. He can squirm out of it all he likes, but it is not the truth. There is now this big ole pink elephant in the room when you two are together...and it will be there with his GF now too. She won't 100% trust him with you alone (I'm not saying she wouldn't trust you. I'm saying she's got a little niggle in her brain to doubt.)

Because she knows.. you should tell your FH. He should not be left in the dark regarding this. Be sure to tell him you confronted your guy friend who has said he didn't mean anything by it. (Your FH will know better too...and he won't let this guy be around just you.)

My DH used to work in a rape crisis center. I know that this is really minor to you here...but the thing is...one of the gals he counselled after she was attacked, situation sounded remarkably like yours. Good guy friend, hit on the gal. She turned hm down, but because he was SUCH a good friend of the family, she didn't tell anyone because she didn't want to tear up their tight little unit. Well, because of his relationship, he had access to her home, and that's where he attacked her.

Will this guy? Probably not...but do NOT give him opportunity. He already proved he was a very poor judge of character. Do not let him spend the night at your house, and don't go on any couples weekends with that couple. He's not to be trusted. And yeah...your best guy friend wants to get into your pants.

Misty

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 7:51 PM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

Dear Rebecca,

"I'm still confused. I don't know if this was just a HUGE misunderstanding on my part or if he just got caught and is backpedaling."

(shouting) HE GOT CAUGHT AND IS BACKPEDALING!!!!!! (/shouting)

I have, over the years, dealt with people accused of sexual harrassment in the workplace. When they get CAUGHT, they always BACKPEDAL.

"I didn't mean it that way."
"It was a joke."
"She took it wrong."
"I was just kidding around."
"She's too uptight."
"Where's her sense of humor?"

He meant exactly what he implied: He suggested having sex and reassured you that your FH would never hear about it. He got caught, and now he's trying to smooth it over.


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agd1017 Posts : 464 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 9:25 PM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

Rebecca, I can't remember who said it but I agree that you should definitely tell your FH about the situation. Every other member of the foursome knows, and if Scott finds out from someone besides you, he will be angry and hurt. So please tell him what happened.

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Amanda and Eric

 

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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 9:40 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I am totally baffled about why you are "confused". He couldn't have been any more obvious about what he meant. It does sound like you are in denial. You need to tell your fiancé because now his GF knows and it will only be a matter of time before your fiancé gets wind of it. Then he'll wonder why you weren't the one who told him. Also, he needs to know that his "good friend" tried to sleep with his fiancé and that he can no longer trust him.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 9:17 AM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

There is NOTHING to be confused about. He meant it sexually, period. There would have been no doubt in my mind, and I would have answered with a firm, 'No, there is nothing I'd like to do before getting married.' If he asked again, I would have said, 'I am absolutely sure about this, and there is certainly not anything that I'd like to do that I wouldn't want my FH to know about. Please do not ask me again.' If he continued to bother me after that, I would tell my FH that this guy is not a friend and needs a good ass-kicking.

But since you didn't handle it that way, you guys need to decide how to proceed. My number one piece of advice is to STOP DISCUSSING IT WITH HIM! You have two choices:

1) Accept that it was sexual and end the friendship.

2) Believe whatever you want and continue the friendship.

If you choose to continue the friendship, it DOESN'T MATTER whether he meant it sexually or not, so why sit here agonizing over it? I think it's pretty obvious that he did mean it sexually and is now trying to cover his ass, but why does it matter? Either way, you get the same result now that you've made your answer clear. Since the topic is closed, why does his intent matter? Either end the friendship over this or forget it and move on. Nothing good will come of discussing his feelings and getting him to admit that he meant it sexually, so let it go. As long as he doesn't act on his feelings in the future, does it really matter that he had them?


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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Marryingmytruel... Posts : 135 Registered: 2/11/10
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 11:01 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I would end the friendship. I wouldn't want to continue a friendship like that and I would tell my FH what happened NOW. You have nothing to hide so tell him.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 11:20 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

As long as he doesn't act on his feelings in the future, does it really matter that he had them?

Exactly.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 2:58 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

It doesn't, for her purposes. However, I asked this exact scenario of my DH last night. He said, he would not want this guy in his side for the wedding party, he would definitely not vacation with them as couples, he would not just let it slide and would end the friendship, and he would damn sure want to be told by her, not by someone else later on, or hear of it later on, since now everyone, including the GF, knows but her FH. Men can be pigs, sure, but that doesn't mean we'd keep them as friends.

I don't know what OPs FH would think, but my DH absolutely would want to know and absolutely would not consider this creep a friend. And, if I hid it from him, he'd be angry. OP can't control this now, cause GF knows too.

Finally, no reason I can see for OP continuing to discuss this with the creep, but I also can't see continuing to be friends and covering for this creep either.


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