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6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Apr 15, 2010 8:03 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33; Ladies,

I'll add that Cyndi is an actual lawyer, so you can take her comments to the bank.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Apr 16, 2010 8:21 AM Go to message in response to: cyndi33; LOL about Cyndi's typo at the beginning of her post. I just spent a good 30 seconds scratching my head, trying to remember when we were talking about RAP! :)

It was me that made the comment about that being rape, based on what the OP described about her sex life. I was pretty sure that it was considered rape in many states, but it's good to know for sure, at least in CO. It should be true everywhere.
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march_2007 , cape_cod_islands , april_2010 , november_1975

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Apr 16, 2010 2:20 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride; Well, if you get life in prison for rap, that's pretty harsh! haha, totally missed that Art.

But yes, it is rapE in CO, for sure. And a felony, which equals2-life and up. The laws here changed in 1998 and since then, only in the area of 3% of people have been paroled after having been sentenced to these indeterminate life sentences. That includes those convicted for statutory rape. It's a state offense, and I don't know what other states include for alternative methods of accomplishing rape, but often there will be an element that includes overcoming the will through threats, intimidation, coercion, etc. Here, what the pp was describing would be charged under that type of language.

There have also been changes in the law which allow for other, non charged, evidence of the accused's previous sexual misconduct to come in during trial, to prove absence of mistake, modus operandi, etc. And then, the changes in the law preventing (most times) any evidence regarding sexual history of the victim to come in. Bottom line is, much work went into trying to encourage people to report, and then to ensure people who are dangerous, predatory, not effectively 'cured' remain off the streets.

In fact, in CO, even if there was language about something sexual, or if something sexual comes up in the presentence investigation report compiled by probation after conviction to a non sex offense, the person convicted can still be labeled as, and fall under the requirements of, sex offender treatment laws. This applies also where there were multiple charges, some totally unrelated to a sex offense, and the person pleads guilty to a non sex offense. They can, and will, label the person as a sex offender based on the other charges/reports. CO is not a state to risk, engage in, etc ANY of those kinds of activities.

I really don't spend an inordinate amount of time researching this, but a large percentage of my case load involves sex offenses, drug offenses and/or CO's habitual offender sentencing laws.

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april_2010 , cape_cod_islands , march_2007 , november_1975

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VntgGoth2010 Posts : 57 Registered: 1/24/10

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Apr 16, 2010 4:52 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33; Sigh. I hope she called it off. I don't know but I think this guy is cheating and with someone at work. He doesn't want her to come around work? She's not "allowed". He doesn't show affection when he used to. Oy vey. I trule hope she walked away. Please let us know dear Sarah...

june_2010 , march_2007 , cape_cod_islands , april_2010 , november_1975

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V�nTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Apr 17, 2010 7:25 AM Go to message in response to: VntgGoth2010; In case any other girls reading this thread are considering calling off their wedding, or know someone who is considering it, I am going to post a link for you all to read:

http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/04/the-wedding-dropout-or-how-i-never-became-a-wedding-graduate/#more-2068

I read a number of wedding blogs, and this is one of my favorites. The girl who wrote this entry explains how she coped with calling off her wedding, and how she feels about it now that some time has passed.

Never feel like you don't have a way out.
Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

june_2010 , november_1975 , april_2010 , cape_cod_islands , march_2007

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Apr 17, 2010 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33; Cyndi, we have a lot of those same laws here in Jersey. A lot of different things come under what are called Megan's Law. Here most people who are charged with a sexual assault offense must go to a place where they are diagnosed as to their stage of sexual predatorism. If a person is a sex offender here there are either permanently housed in Avanel or they are subject to registration and parole supervision for life. They can not move without notifying the police in both the town they are leaving and the town they are moving into.

My only problem with this law is that too many people who are not sex offenders are being lumped into the catergory. My biggest problem is the 18-19 year old kid who is having sex with his 15 year old girlfriend. When he was 17 and having sex with her the parents had no problem but now that he is an adult it's sexual assault.

I am a probation officer who writes those reports and it sickens me the things some people do to others and I think they should be placed under the jail.

Any I too hope the OP did not go through with this wedding. I would hate to think of the life she is subjecting herself to. As for the PP who is being raped by her husband. File charges against him. Get away from him. I wish you both good luck.

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting
Sucks to be you, So glad I am me
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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Apr 17, 2010 2:42 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife; Yes, Kennys. Me too. My other issue is the direct file statute which removes juvenile offenders from the juvenile system (and juvenile treatment options) placing them in adult court, with adult sentences and adult lifetime SO registration requirements. Some of the things sicken me, and some of the stuff clients of mine have been accused of, plead to, convicted of, etc. But to put everyone together in that category is, imo, not right. Here, DOC has statutory authority to do so, and they always do so, and unfortunately some of it is a money making motivation (but that gets us into the whole other topic, private prisons, associations with parole/specific treatment providers, etc). I don't know what the "answer" is, but what is going on right now here isn't it. The state simply cannot afford lifetime incarceration for ALL these people. anywho...

And, hopefully the OP didn't go through with this. The silence is telling, though.
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march_2007

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MrsK2B2010 Posts : 18 Registered: 8/6/08

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Apr 17, 2010 6:48 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR; GET OUT! Get help! I will pray for you!

northern_new_jersey , october_2010 , cape_cod_islands , april_2010

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Apr 17, 2010 8:44 PM Go to message in response to: VntgGoth2010; He doesn't want her to come around work? She's not "allowed".

Ok, this is one thing I don't blame him for. I'd kill DH if he kept showing up at my office, expecting to hang around. I have WORK to do at work, and I don't have time to talk with chatty coworkers, let alone spend time with a clingy SO. I think he's totally right to ask her to stop showing up at work - it's incredibly unprofessional, if nothing else.

I disagree that this comment means that he's cheating on her with someone at work. It probably just means that he got in trouble because she's always hanging around. But who knows? I don't even know this man and I think very poorly of him, so perhaps you're right. I'm just saying that I wouldn't want my SO or anybody else hanging around my place of employment. How would you get anything done?

Anyway - carry on. This aside, I REALLY hope she came to her senses, but I don't expect to ever hear from her again. The last time we heard from her, it sounded like she was probably going to go through with it despite her gut feelings. I really hope I'm wrong. In any case, we did all that we could, and if she went through with it, it's her own damn fault, not ours. Not that I won't be here if she comes back a few months from now, asking how to end it - but unless we hear from her again, my conscience is clear. I did all that I could to convince her not to do it - and so did the rest of you.

Interesting info on the sex laws, Cyndi. And like Kennys, I'm also bothered with statuatory rape issues involving teenagers - when the parents did not have an issue with the boy/girlfriend when he/she was 17 dating their 15-year old, but it's suddenly an issue when the SO turns 18. It kind of seems like entrapment to me, but what do I know?

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

april_2010 , march_2007 , cape_cod_islands , june_2010 , november_1975

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Apr 17, 2010 10:31 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride; Well, Art, I missed the work thing before. But I totally agree. I would never hang out at DH's work, and if he did at mine (and yes, although my office is at home, it's my office while working and I work during those times) I'd be irritated. He doesn't, he's great about that. BUT, I totally don't think that's unreasonable for either person to feel. Work is work, not a time for socializing with your SO. That isn't to say I don't like to meet for lunch, but again, that's outside the office, not during work time. I really think it's unprofessional to do the whole mushy thing AT work, and it would irritate me beyond belief if DH did that, and I'm sure (although haven't asked him specifically) it'd irritate him as well.

Yes, but entrapment doesn't matter. Statutory rape is a no intent crime, so if you do it, you're guilty. Entrapment is almost never successful defense anyway. :) but yes, I do have a client where they lived together, had a baby together, and no one cared until they broke up. He went for visitation, and now he's doing 2-life. We are going on 9 years now, and it doesn't look good. And by lived together, part at his parents and part at her parents. Socialized with the families, all of them were AT the birth, etc, etc. I support the toughness generally, but CO has just taken it too far.

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april_2010 , november_1975 , june_2010 , march_2007 , cape_cod_islands

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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: May 15, 2010 8:32 AM Go to message in response to: cyndi33; well, i imagine that she got married. i pray they don't have any children.

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris

june_2010 , april_2010 , cape_cod_islands , march_2007 , november_1975 , northern_california , july_2007

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ViolinGirl Posts : 2 Registered: 6/1/10

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Jun 1, 2010 11:03 PM Go to message in response to: jojolina; Just in case there are girls reading this thread who are considering calling off their wedding, I'd like to share my own story.

I got engaged to my high school sweetheart of 3 years during my senior year of high school. I thought we were both madly in love and that everything was going great. He proposed at my senior prom, in front of everyone! At the time I was excited, but now that I look back I wonder if he did that to ensure a yes...

Shortly after the proposal things started going sour. He had already been at college for a year and I had noticed changes in him that I didn't like; however, I assumed that they were just things I noticed since I didn't get to spend time with him. I was planning on attending the same college and figured that things would be fine once we were together.

After I got to college, things only got worse. He made sexiest jokes around his friends that upset me very much. He made no effort to spend time with me, just the two of us, outside the dorm nor did he understand why that upset me. I almost never got any affection and he spent all of his time playing a trading card game with his friends. Now, I love playing this card game as well, but there were many times that he was so obsessed with playing that he never paid attention to me. He also spent way to much money on the cards. One time while I went with him to play with friends, I started feeling sick. When I told him he responded by telling me that his roommate could let me into his dorm room. He was too busy to walk his sick fiance across campus to the room that they stayed in! (Because I stayed in the room with him and his roommate, who is also a friend from back home)

Eventually it felt like all I was to him was a room ornament. He was always either out with his friends or too busy playing video games to pay any attention to me. He also made me feel like crap, saying that I was chubby and needed to lose weight. I only weigh 110lbs at 5'2"! Sometimes he would even pick at my appearance, saying my teeth were too yellow, my hair wasn't good enough, or pointing out every little zit that I might have had.

Things only got worse. I turned into nothing more than sex for him, with him constantly wanting to have sex and thinking that any time I wanted to cuddle, that I wanted sex instead. He called me a tease whenever I would tell him that I only wanted to cuddle, and he would even make comments about how he was used to being ignored in that way. That always made me feel guilty so I would give in, no matter how little sex drive I had at the moment.

Luckily I had a close guy friend who noticed how upset I was with how my life was going and convinced me that I needed to cancel our engagement. I was going to get married later this summer, but thanks to my friend I found the strength to call things off and get my life in the direction I wanted. I am now engaged to said friend, who treats me the way that every girl deserves to be treated!

The moral of the story: If you are not happy, don't expect an engagement or marriage to make things better. YOU have to find your own happiness, even if it means a major road bump in canceling plans.

june_2010 , april_2010 , ohio , july_2013 , march_2007 , november_1975 , northern_california , july_2007 , cape_cod_islands

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Jun 2, 2010 12:30 AM Go to message in response to: ViolinGirl; ViolinGirl - That had to have been extremely difficult, but I hope that by sharing this story someone else has been helped. (Even if it's not the OP at this point.)

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KCI Posts : 150 Registered: 3/30/09

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Jun 2, 2010 10:00 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl; ViolinGirl - you should be proud of yourself. Even if it took some help from a friend you got yourself out of a bad situation. That is very difficult and I don't think many people could do that. I'm happy for you that you have found the right person for you that treats you well. I was in a similar situation before (except I was never engaged to my ex) so I understand how difficult it could be. Congrats on making yourself happy and I hope you have a happy life with your man.

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wilt Posts : 2 Registered: 6/6/10

Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......: Posted: Jun 6, 2010 11:34 AM Go to message in response to: SarahR; I really hope that all went well, whatever decision you have come up.

Edited by: wilt on Jun 6, 2010 11:38 AM

april_2010 , alabama , cape_cod_islands , august_2010

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