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Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress

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kostman Posts : 3 Registered: 6/4/10
Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 4, 2010 10:37 AM

Question to all fellow recent brides out there. My friend is getting married exactly a year after I. One of my bridesmaids is the maid of honor in my friend's wedding. I had been asking about the bridesmaids dresses for a while because I was wondering what colors and store they were going to buy them from. The bride and maid of honor were always pretty vague about the plans saying that things weren't decided yet. Last week I had lunch with another one of the bridesmaids in the party and she told me that the bride is having the same color theme as I did for her bridesmaids. Not only that she told me that the bride was "ok" if the maid of honor wore the same dress as she wore in mine. I was a little upset especially since I bought that dress for my bridesmaid to wear at my event and never imagined I'd see it on her in another bridal party a year later. I'm kind of upset that neither one of them mentioned this to me. Thoughts? Do I have the right to be upset??

Edited by: kostman on Jun 4, 2010 10:57 AM

etiquette , bridesmaid_dresses
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dodgercpkl Posts : 130 Registered: 9/27/09
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 4, 2010 11:13 AM Go to message in response to: kostman

TBH I think you should be flattered. It's not often that people get a bridesmaids dress that they like, and I'd take this as an indication that your friend that's getting married likes your taste!


etiquette , southern_california , bridesmaid_dresses , october_2010
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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 4, 2010 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: kostman

no, you don't have a right to be upset. your wedding is over, she can wear the dress whenever she chooses. i think it is a great idea. Bridesmaids dresses are often never used again. what a shame that is.

 

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris

northern_california , bridesmaid_dresses , etiquette , july_2007
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 4, 2010 1:22 PM Go to message in response to: kostman

Dear Kost,

You have a right to any emotion you might feel. You can be upset, happy, indifferent, whatever. Your private thoughts are your business and no one else's.

If the bridesmaids had bought their own dresses, then you would have no standing to ask them to not wear them again. If the bridesmaid bought and paid for her dress, then she can wear it to another wedding, Halloween trick-or-treating, costume party, whatever.

Since you bought the dress, you can request it back following your wedding, if you so choose. That would ensure the dress could never be worn anywhere else. You could wear it, yourself, for Halloween or give it to charity or trash it.

Even though you have the perfect right to ask for your dress back after your wedding, I personally would not do it. It would look kind of mean and cheap to ask for it back, specifically for the reason of it not being available for the next wedding. I would just let this one go, and say nothing.

Besides, the bride may change her mind in a year. This is not a hill to die on.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 4, 2010 3:17 PM Go to message in response to: kostman

A couple caveats to what Aunt said --

If the bridesmaids dress was a gift, it's a gift, and she can wear however she wants. The second bride might also be conscious of the fact that buying a bridesmaid dress costs $$, and is trying to spare her that expense.

If it wasn't a gift, hopefully that was made clear. I once was asked to be a bridesmaid, the bride bought the dress, but then I paid for the alterations (nearly $100). After the wedding, (well, after the wedding date -- the wedding never actually happened) the bride asked for it back --- and never reimbursed me the cost of the alterations. Gotta say, I'm a bit bitter about that.

Otherwise, I agree. You can feel whatever. Frankly, I'd be annoyed at people tip-toeing around me most. I'd address it upfront -- say "I hear you're having the same colors/themes" and offer your advice/experience. No two weddings are ever the same, regardless of similarities of colors and themes, so you should just address it and get over the weirdness.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 4, 2010 3:20 PM Go to message in response to: kostman

Really? You're really upset about that? If she was allowed to keep the dress, what was she supposed to do with it? Seal it in glass and light candles in front of it?
myra@classysassyweddings.com

bridesmaid_dresses , november_1975 , etiquette
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kostman Posts : 3 Registered: 6/4/10
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 4, 2010 4:15 PM Go to message in response to: myras

LOL, no I didn't expect her to worship the dress, but I also never expected to see it worn in a wedding on my first wedding anniversary. I did want the dresses I bought for my friends to be worn again and made an effort for that to be realistic (didn't buy at a wedding store but at J. Crew, asked them to pick out color and each the style that each wanted etc.). I'm sorry to say I'm surprised to see it worn in another wedding, since I never expected that. I am more sad that my friends seem to want to avoid telling me, even though I'm sure to find out at the wedding. Just strange and not sure how to feel. This is new to me and I'm thankful for the thoughts and perspectives shared on this forum.

etiquette , november_1975 , september_2009 , bridesmaid_dresses
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 4, 2010 6:27 PM Go to message in response to: kostman

Dear Kost,

"Just strange and not sure how to feel."

You can feel whatever honest emotion you feel. Sure, many people would be upset in that situation.

However, there is a big difference between Private Thoughts and Public Expression.

In your Private Thoughts, you can be as upset or angry as you like. You can think the other bride is a copycat, or a cheapskate. You have full license to think anything you like.

Your Public Expression is an entirely different thing. That is what people judge you with. If you make a big deal out of the dress being worn in another wedding on your first anniversary, then you risk other people saying "Hey, get a life." or "What's it to you?" or "Grow up".

Your best course of action is to do nothing. The dress belongs to the other girl. Punch your pillow in the privacy of your bedroom if you like, but outside where other people can see you, just smile serenely and say "I'm glad the dress will get more wear than just one wedding.".

I do understand. It would tick me off, but then a lot of things tick me off and I just have to pretend they don't.

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kostman Posts : 3 Registered: 6/4/10
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 4, 2010 10:08 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride


Thanks Auntofthebride for your advice. It has been really helpful.
Cheers

september_2009
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 5, 2010 12:07 AM Go to message in response to: kostman

Ladies,

It's good training for childrearing. There are plenty of times when a mom has to bite her tongue and pretend that something does not bother her.

"You barfed, again, on the couch? Let's get you to bed, and I'll clean it up." (Again)

"You both want your drivers licenses on your 16th birthday? OK, we'll work it out." (I have twin sons.)

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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 5, 2010 12:09 PM Go to message in response to: kostman

I think you're more bothered by the fact that they tiptoed around telling you rather than just being forthright with: I loved your dresses so much I wanted them to be worn for my wedding too. Not only that, the economy is really bad right now for a lot of people, any expense I can spare my bridesmaids is one I'll happily do, even if it means that I look like I'm copying you.

The hiding of it sounds like it is really bothering you more than the reuse of a bridesmaid dress.

One of my bridesmaids wore HER wedding dress to MY wedding (at my suggestion...it was in the color scheme/style that I had asked them to buy. Why should she buy another dress when she had a perfectly charming one hanging in her closet already). And I asked my bridesmaids to find a dress they'd love and they'd wear again if they were at an event requiring a little bit of dressing up.

All of us "claim" we want our bridesmaids to be able to re-use their dresses. Yours actually is. Be flattered :)

Now...if you'd bought the MOH this dress for your UPCOMING wedding and the other bride snarfed it for her wedding that was coming before yours... oh yeah, there'd be reason for a Come to Jesus with all of them! :)

Misty

september_2009 , etiquette , bridesmaid_dresses
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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 5, 2010 1:35 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

one of my bridesmaids wanted to wear her dress for her graduation that was happening a few weeks before my wedding. she asked me about it first. I wasn't thrilled, but it was her dress and she had just paid quite a bit of money for it and I knew she didn't have the money to buy another new dress right then. I said yes, but made her PROMISE not to get anything on it and to have it cleaned. Everything worked out fine. One thing that i realized after my wedding is that as brides we get really uptight and self centered and it's really not very attractive. It's a dress, it's not going to change the course of the world.

 

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris

northern_california , etiquette , bridesmaid_dresses , september_2009 , july_2007
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2dBride Posts : 158 Registered: 3/16/09
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 12:49 AM Go to message in response to: kostman

I think it's silly for them to be tip toeing around with you on this. At the same time, I would not be worried about the reuse of the dress.

We asked my daughter to be our maid of honor. Because she was our only female attendant, there was no one she needed to match. And I knew that she had a dress she had worn as a maid of honor in a friend's wedding. I therefore told her that she was welcome to wear the dress she already had, rather than running out to buy a new one. I wasn't trying to copy her friend's style or theme, just trying to make sure that my daughter (a graduate student without a lot of money) didn't have to buy a new dress when she had a perfectly good one in her closet.

Our wedding Web site and items for sale

october_2009 , bridesmaid_dresses , etiquette , boston
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 1:21 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

My Mom wore her second wedding dress to my wedding! LOL She asked me first - she looked so great in it and had it altered, etc - there wasn't another dress she would have felt that great in! It wasn't a white dress, like I was in and I didn't care anyways.

I HOPE my girls can wear their dresses again. At least they were able to pick their own style.

The whole issue of them tiptoing around is silly, but the re-use of the dress - no biggie.

 

 

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Re-wearing Bridesmaid Dress
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 4:25 PM Go to message in response to: kostman

I'd actually be thrilled if one of my BMs reported being able to wear her dress again. I have no illusions that they ever will, despite my trying to pick a dress that didn't scream BM and their polite assurances that they could shorten it and wear it again. I've said the same thing to many brides, and I've never worn a BM dress again.

So yes, it wouldn't bother me at all. And I think you'll find that once you're married, you really won't care, either. It would probably bother me a little that they tried to hide it from me, but now you know, and that's better than showing up at the second wedding and thinking, 'Hey, that dress looks familiar...'

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

bridesmaid_dresses , etiquette
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