Reformed Cheater

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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: Reformed Cheater
Posted: Jun 1, 2010 6:23 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

The line in not blurry. Whether you had cancer or a mental illness, he still didn't stand by you when times were tough. I suffer severely with mental illness. I can be awful to be around at times. My fiancé has seen me through the worse of it. He stood by me no matter how bad it got and believe me, it got bad. I know that if I ever get that bad again, and with mental illness relapses are not uncommon, I have no doubt that he will be right by my side. Can you say that about your BF? If you are truly ready to be with someone who you can build a future with, dump this guy. He is not a keeper.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Reformed Cheater
Posted: Jun 2, 2010 8:12 AM Go to message in response to: TigerGirl86

TigerGirl... I'm glad to hear that an engagement is not in your near future with him.

I am, however, with the others. Mental illness is still an illness. It is a real one and not something you can control, any more than cancer. The problem is that we as a society still have a stigma attached to mental illness that adds a layer of guilt to the person who already is ill. If I was a stronger person, this would not have happened, yadda yadda yadda. That's just BS...most times the mental illness is brought about by things outside our control: chemical imbalances in our bodies, circumstances over which we had no control impacting how we deal with things, etc.

If he had an issue with who you were then and how you were treating him, then he should have ended the relationship. I would have been better with someone who ended the relationship because he could not handle it--and who was honest with me about that--than someone who pretended to be a support system and had a bit on the side.

No, it's not a blurry line. And the fact that you think it is, and your parents still like the guy, really indicates to me that you need to get a little counselling to help you see that you deserve better--especially in conjunction with mental illness.

Good luck!

Misty

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Reformed Cheater
Posted: Jun 2, 2010 1:20 PM Go to message in response to: wdubin

The line in not blurry. Whether you had cancer or a mental illness, he still didn't stand by you when times were tough. I suffer severely with mental illness. I can be awful to be around at times. My fiancé has seen me through the worse of it.

In general, I agree that I'd be especially wary of someone who cheated on their partner while he/she was ill, including mental illness. HOWEVER, we're not talking about a husband cheating on his sick wife, or even a fiance cheating while his/her partner was ill. We're not even talking about a particularly serious-sounding relationship. We're talking about a college kid (or perhaps recent graduate - either way, young) who probably has very little experience with serious illness, relationships, or life in general - and he made a mistake.

I know cheating is cheating - and it certainly hurts regardless of the stage of the relationship - but I don't think this couple is at the stage yet where one person should be harshly criticized for not standing by the other during an illness. Otherwise, it sounds like the relationship is fine and the OP doesn't seem like she wants to end it, so why not give it a few years and see how things go? I know that I made a lot of mistakes in my early 20s, learned from them, and never repeated them. Some people never learn and continue to repeat the same behavior and make the same mistakes, but if he has learned from the mistake and matured and she believes the cheating to be a one-time mistake and can trust him again, I wouldn't dwell on it.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: Reformed Cheater
Posted: Jun 2, 2010 2:12 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

ArtBride, that is my take on this situation, exactly.

 

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris

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springorchid Posts : 176 Registered: 4/8/07
Re: Reformed Cheater
Posted: Jun 2, 2010 7:20 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

First, I agree with everyone that said the bits about "sickness AND health".

I also agree that it would have been different if it had been a one time deal, but you said he had a SIX MONTH EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP with another woman. You said he is now in therapy....why, when he was so heartsick, worrying if his gf would ever get better did he turn to another woman, but now that you're ok he will see a therapist? If he needed emotional support, thats what a therapist is there for.

As for being "young and inexperienced" as some people put it, we are taught from the time we join society that cheating is wrong. And we really start to understand right from wrong in our early teens. But perhaps, at 24, I am a bit biased.

All that said, what it really comes down to is, can YOU forgive him? If you can't forgive/trust him then its done. Walk away. Find someone new. That is something you have to decide.

No matter what, get counseling. It will take so much longer and be so much more painful for you if you do not. And I say this no matter the outcome of your relationship with this guy.

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Dani303 Posts : 18 Registered: 6/3/10
Re: Reformed Cheater
Posted: Jun 3, 2010 1:20 AM Go to message in response to: TigerGirl86

Hi Tiger,

Wow! what a tough situation to be in! i do understand how it feels, my partner and i are going through a similar thing. He went away for work and while he was away he cheated on me...worst part was we were meant to be getting engaged when he came back and married this year...which we have put on hold.

I honestly think that if you really love this guy and he is really remorseful (which its very clear he is) then you do have a future with him and if marriage is what you want then put that as your goal and work towards it with him.

Trust is hard to get back....and it takes a lot of hard work..but it is possible!. so hang in there....give it a year...and if things dont feel right...then look at calling an end to it..but dont act to hasty...it is early days yet.

I know your wedding vows say 'in sickness and in health' and all that kinda stuff...but the thing is....you 2 arent married...neither of you have made those vows....so you cant really judge him on that.

At the end of the day...the only person that knows the truth about the relationship is you 2....none of your friends or your family have experianced everything this relationship has to offer...and if you see enough good in it to stay with him...then stay. No one should be judging you or him. He has stuffed up in a BIG way...but it sounds like he was looking for a way to comfort himself and trying to deal with the possibilty that you werent there...im sure the whole time he knew it was wrong..but needed someone to make him feel like it was going to be ok. I honestly feel for the guy..it would have been really hard for him at the same time.

i think you have answered your own questions about if you should stay with him.....you have said you are so in love with him...even after he has done this....and he is bending over backwards to keep you.

if you decide to stay...dont think of it as a weakness...staying with someone and opening yourself up to the possibility that you might be hurt like this again is the bravest thing a person can do...and it speaks volumes about how strong and determined you are.

Goodluck! i hope it all works out. Stay positive...and keep reminding yourself of how much he wants to be with you....the trust will start to build up again with time...and you might not even notice it :-)

Dani

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Reformed Cheater
Posted: Jun 3, 2010 12:09 PM Go to message in response to: springorchid

You know, people keep emphasizing the "six month relationship" part of it, implying that this is worst than had it been a one night stand. I just don't see why it's necessarily worse.

To me, if you engage in a one nighter, the good news is that the sex didn't mean anything. The bad news? The sex didn't mean anything. It means you potentially ruined your relationship over, well, nothing. It also means you have poor impulse control and are likely to just let your penis do the thinking for you. A guy who engages in sex with strangers as a way to deal with his issues is more likely, in my view, to be a bad partner than one who seeks comfort in his relationship with others.

Now, engaging in a relationship with someone else is bad, of course, as it means you actually have feelings for someone. But, especially in this scenario, it means that you were looking for something that you weren't getting in your relationship -- perhaps he needed someone to talk to, go to, feel close to at a time when he couldn't get it from his girlfriend. And, given that he didn't understand mental illness, he also possibly thought that he never would get it from her again. I'm also struck by the fact that he was ending it on his own accord -- that whatever feelings he had for this other person, they were unmatched by his attachment to the OP.

Anyways, I'm happy she's giving it time, and I also highly agree with Micayla's post about doing away with the guilt. She does appear to be, in part, blaming herself for his indiscretions, and she needs to stop doing that. And she needs to know that, should she ever find herself in this kind of condition again, that he won't go looking somewhere else for what he needs. They'll figure it all out in the end, I'm sure.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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TigerGirl86 Posts : 3 Registered: 5/21/10
Re: Reformed Cheater
Posted: Jun 4, 2010 11:32 AM Go to message in response to: TigerGirl86

Thank you all for your lovely comments. As per what MrsDenuninani said, I somewhat agree. While the discovery of an emotional affair certainly hurts more than the discovery of a one night stand, I think it shows a deep inherant yearning to be in a meaningful relationship. The truth is, I was emotionally absent so he looked for an emotional bond elsewhere. He's really a very good man and his needs are very simple. He wants comfort and someone to tell him he's a good person. Maybe he's a bit insecure.

The reason he's going to therapy now is because the guilt that it caused him when I found out made him go a little crazy. We're both grieving and the grief has brought us both to say some very dark things. I'm already in therapy (because I'm mentally ill) and so the next step is to get him into therapy to help him overcome the grief, the guilt, and the pain.

You are all right about my having a lot of guilt. I feel guilty every day for treating him so badly and driving him to do what he did. I realize that I shouldn't feel this way (after all, I am in therapy) but it's hard to get over it.

I even appreciate those of you who are telling me to end it. The truth is, I don't know how good of a husband he is going to be because of this. Before this, I had no doubts but now that he's turned to someone else, I am on shaky ground. However, when it comes right down to it, I'm lucky that I'm young enough to stick around and find out. This guy could very well blossom into a wonderful man who will be a fantastic husband and father or he could turn out to be a slimeball. I'm only 23 so I'm willing to give him the time it takes to grow up. I don't want to miss out on what he might become and if I get hurt again because I'm sticking around, that's just more valuable lessons to carry with me into my adulthood.

Thank you all for being so kind, for caring about me, and for writing your thoughts.

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jackson132 Posts : 1,623 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Reformed Cheater
Posted: Sep 14, 2012 3:47 PM Go to message in response to: TigerGirl86

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