How young is too young?

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bkurtz Posts : 11 Registered: 5/27/10
How young is too young?
Posted: May 27, 2010 8:22 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years. I am 20 and he is 21. We have openly talked about getting married and everything that goes along with a marriage. I know that he is the one for me and I am so excited to spend our lives together. However, we are unsure of when to tie the knot! We are both still in college and we both will be done in 2 years. We want to wait until we are done with school before we get married. Just wondering if anyone has any opinion on if we should wait a few more years before tieing the knot. I know in the end it is up to my boyfriend and I, just thought I would get some advice :)

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RyanandKelly2009 Posts : 32 Registered: 12/10/09
Re: How young is too young?
Posted: May 27, 2010 11:44 PM Go to message in response to: bkurtz

Congradulations on finding that special person. I agree that you should wait until your out of school. Please note that once you are married parental financial support usually shuts off completely so I would definately wait until you two are able to financially support yourselves.
I am concerned that you are asking others for their opinion as to whether you are too young. Granted you are not planning on getting married for 2 years; however, I would advise that as long as you feel the need to ask whether you are too young to get married then the answer is yes.

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bkurtz Posts : 11 Registered: 5/27/10
Re: How young is too young?
Posted: May 28, 2010 12:13 AM Go to message in response to: RyanandKelly2009

Well, I didn't mention the fact that I do not think we are too young (rather we wont be to young when we actually do get married in 2 years). Its just that some of my family thinks we are too young. His family and our friends are totally for it and excited for it to happen.I just wanted to get an outside point of view. Also, we both have full time jobs and we have been saving for the past 2 years to pay for a house or a wedding. We have agreed though that we need to be sure that we both have jobs after we graduate before we will get married. I hesitated writing the post because I was worried someone would say exacttly what you said but I do appreciate your opinion! :)

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Kate2012 Posts : 30 Registered: 1/25/10
Re: How young is too young?
Posted: May 28, 2010 9:00 AM Go to message in response to: bkurtz

I am in a similar situation as you, but my boyfriend and I are 21. We are not engaged yet but I am pretty sure it will be happening soon. We have also been together for four years and have lived together for two. When we get engaged, we will have a two year engagement, so we will be done school. We also totally support ourselves. I work two part time jobs and pay for my schooling and he works full-time. I think financial independence is must when considering marriage.

I would highly recommend living together before getting engaged or married if you don't religious or moral reasons not to. Things definately change and not everyone can accept their significant other's little quirks, ie. leaving clothes on the floor.

I would also highly recommend a long engagement. First of all, because you are young and second of all, it will be very stressful planning a wedding during school. It will also give you more time to save up for your wedding.

I totally understand why you posted this question as I posted a similar one a few months ago. For me, it was not because we felt we are too young but because we wanted advice from people in similar situations. It is too bad that not everyone in your family is accepting of your engagement. The only person who might not accept mine and my boyfriends engagement is his mom. It will upset me if she isn't happy about the engagement, as we are really close. It is a lot easier if everyone is happy for you, but in the end you have to do what is right for you. You are an adult now so you can make your own decisions.

I wish you the best of luck! Let us know what you decide on when you will get married.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: How young is too young?
Posted: May 28, 2010 9:02 AM Go to message in response to: bkurtz

Personally, I think that anybody who is still in college (or college-aged, if not attending school) is too young to get married. Due to the pressure involved in starting out a new adult life, a new career, and a new marriage, I don't think it's wise to do any of those things at the same time. They're all hard on their own, and combining them is a gamble that I wouldn't be willing to take, as they're all very important and deserve your undivided attention. I'd focus on each of them for at least a year - so finish school, spend a year adjusting to post-college life, spend the following year focusing on your career and getting promoted out of those entry-level jobs, and then think about marriage.

That's my advice, though you're probably not going to like it. Most college-aged girls on here don't like it because they want to get married soon and they want people to tell them it's a good idea. Sure, it might work out fine - and it does for many people - but are you willing to gamble on your future? If you are, go ahead and do it - but my advice is to play it safe and take it one step at a time because if you don't give these things your undivided attention, something will suffer and regardless of what it is, it will put unnecessary stress on your new marriage.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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bkurtz Posts : 11 Registered: 5/27/10
Re: How young is too young?
Posted: May 28, 2010 10:55 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Thanks for the advice. I say, live life to its fullest, and live it everyday. If your going to make a change or take a leap why not do it all at once! It may be hard but it will make our relationship stronger and we will be able to lean on each other for emotional support if we get stressed or overwhelmed (like we already do now, even though we don't get stressed too easily). I would say we are not the normal immature college kids. We do not drink, we do not party, we both have full time jobs, and we both have a 4.0 in school. We do not live together technically, I do stay at his house 4 days out of the week though. We have been together for 5+ years and when a realtionship has been going on for that long it is natural to start to think about these things. As it stand now, our plan is to get engaged in 1 year, be engaed for about a year, and get married the summer after we graduate.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: How young is too young?
Posted: May 28, 2010 11:12 AM Go to message in response to: bkurtz

Ok, sounds like you have it all figured out, so why are you asking for advice?

If your going to make a change or take a leap why not do it all at once! It may be hard but it will make our relationship stronger

Either that or it won't. Trust me, I've seen TOO MANY people crash and burn. And I'm not talking about 'typical immature college kids', either. I'm talking about young people like myself (and you) who thought they were mature and had a good plan.

When I was your age, I would have said the exact same thing you're saying. So I understand where you're coming from, but now that I have another 10 years on you, I'll tell you that it's a very naive attitude. Sorry if that upsets you, but it's true. The truth is that these things are DIFFICULT. Many times, they are so difficult (even for smart people who have it all planned out well) that it puts so much stress on you that you break. You're right - sometimes stress can make a relationship stronger, but not always. A lot of the time, extreme stress will break a couple. A couple can come under extreme stress at any age - but when you KNOW that things will be stressful if done on their own (transitioning to real adult life, starting your careers, and starting a new marriage), it seems stupid to do them all at the same time if you can avoid it.

If you're committed to your future marriage, it must come first. If you're committed to your future careers, they must come first. So what's going to happen when you need to concentrate on BOTH? The simple answer: Something will suffer. If you focus on the marriage and allow the careers to suffer, you'll resent each other eventually and the marriage will suffer anyway - and that's on top of the direct stress of allowing your careers to suffer, such as losing a job or struggling financially from having to take resume-building, but low-paying jobs. If you focus on the careers and allow the marriage to suffer, you're equally screwed. This is a lose-lose situation, and walking into it with an attitude of 'it will be hard, but love will conquer all' is incredibly naive. Yes, I know that it's possible to succeed in this, but it seems a stupid risk to take unnecessarily when you could do them one at a time and give yourselves a better chance of success on both fronts.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: How young is too young?
Posted: May 28, 2010 11:57 AM Go to message in response to: bkurtz

it will make our relationship stronger

Every study ever done has said that people who wait longer to get married (mid twenties, generally) are less likely to get divorced than people who don't. Don't blame me, I'm just telling you what the facts suggest.

People who wait longer, until they've completed their educations, tend to be more financially stable. Money is a big stressor on a marriage. People who wait longer tend to increase the chances of having a stable marriage, and raising a family within a stable marriage. Less divorce, fewer financial difficulties, and happier relationships -- that's what you (statistically) get when you wait till you're finished with your education and marry in your mid-to-late twenties.

Again, those are just the facts. I'm just being the bearer of bad news here.

Now, I get the whole "you only live once" thing. But I don't see how that is figures into the decision to get married. Married or not, you'll be together, grow together, start life together. Why does it matter that more of these years are spent engaged and/or married?

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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Kate2012 Posts : 30 Registered: 1/25/10
Re: How young is too young?
Posted: May 28, 2010 12:17 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I would just like to point out that just because you are in school doesn't mean you don't have financial security. I will admit that financial insecurity is the case for a lot of students. As I stated before, I am in a similar case as the OP. In my case, I make very good money for being a student, more than some people make after completing post secondary. My boyfriend also works full-time and we completely support ourselves. We have saved enough for a down payment on a house.

I just want to point out that just because you are a student does not mean you have financial insecurity. This may or may not be the case for the OP, I am not aware of her financial situation.

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HamzicBride Posts : 178 Registered: 12/28/09
Re: How young is too young?
Posted: May 29, 2010 10:22 AM Go to message in response to: bkurtz

I think you already know right now might not be the right time, just because of the words you chose for your post. I would finish school before you focus on getting married. My boyfriend is currently finishing school(will be done in a month ish), and I have been into my career for a while now already but I find it works out a lot better. You have less stress and one less thing to worry about and you can enjoy your engagement and wedding planning a lot more because you have one less thing to worry about.
I also suggest waiting until you are done school. The most important thing is having found the right guy so now nothing can break you guys apart.

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lissagettingmar... Posts : 22 Registered: 5/29/10
Re: How young is too young?
Posted: May 29, 2010 1:33 PM Go to message in response to: bkurtz

It seems like almost no one is reading your original post. So many people are giving you the advice to wait until you're out of college when you already said that you're planning to wait 2 years until you're out of college.

Given that you said you already plan to wait until the summer after you graduate college...I don't think that 22-23 is too young to get married, objectively. Every person is different, so that may be too young for you, or it may be just right. No one can objectively say, without knowing you - and even the people who know you best may be clouded by their memories of you. Your mom, for example, may never feel 100% like you're ready because she may not be ready to let go of images of you as a 5-year-old starting kindergarten or a baby in her arms. Maybe discussing with your parents and the other naysayers is the key? Ask them what their misgivings are. Maybe your family members really do just see you as still a baby...but maybe they has perfectly legitimate concerns that you should hear out. The ultimate decision is up to you, but your older family members may have some especially good advice that you should hear.

Me and my fiance met in high school and we had that plan, too. Get married within the year after I graduated. I graduated college in May 2008 and I actually didn't get engaged until February 2010. Me and my boyfriend will probably celebrate 10 years before we get married, lol! Things change. What I really advise you to do, based upon personal experience, is enjoy your boyfriend. Enjoy college life, enjoy being boyfriend and girlfriend right now. If it is meant to be (or rather, if you really love each other and are compatible), you will stay together and when the time is right, you'll get engaged. I'm not saying don't ever talk about the wedding - our speech has been peppered with lots of "When we're married..." and "Our future kids..." since I've been 16. But it's one thing to fantasize and quite another to execute.

Edited by: lissagettingmarried on May 29, 2010 1:33 PM

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How young is too young?
Posted: Jun 1, 2010 10:24 AM Go to message in response to: bkurtz

Dear BK,

I met my boyfriend when I was 17, started going out with him (ie dumped old boyfriend) when I was 19, then got married at 22 after fininishing college. I'm still married to him, almost 34 years later.

I do believe I can offer you some suggestions on this.

No, you are not necessarily too young. Age doesn't really count. What counts is maturity. There are 20-year olds who have taken charge of their lives, are financially stable, working at a career and emotionally ready for such a committment. Then, there are 30-year olds who are irresponsible with money, still depend on Mom and Dad for support, can't stick with a job for more than six months and are emotionally immature.

Here are my questions:

Financial: Are you self-supporting? Do you rely in any way on your parents? Do you pay your bills on time? Do you pay credit cards in full every month? Do you have and follow a budget? Do you put money in savings every month?

Emotional: Are you a balanced, stable person? Do you fight fairly? Are you able to compromise on issues in which you have a disagreement, then live happily with the compromise? Do you find yourself wondering what sex would be like with a different guy? Are you jealous of any female friends your boyfriend might have?

In other words, are you conducting your life like an adult? If so, then you may very well be ready for the adult responsibilities of marriage. If not, then you need a few more years of personal growth before taking that step.

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