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Groom's family being left out

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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 23, 2010 5:34 AM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Do you have a close relationship with your son? Is there a reason that they are leaving you and your family out? If there is then they shouldn't have asked to you to write any checks either. I think it is very wrong that they are happy to take your money, but that is where their interest in you stops. It's quite inconsiderate, especially if you have relayed that you would like to help. That is the key. It sounds like subtlty is not what is needed here. I would have a heart to heart with my son. "Son, I am so excited for you and "Susie". I like her so much and I am happy that she will be joining our family. I would really love to be more involved with some of the wedding planning. Is there something that I can help with? It would really make me happy if I could help in some way or even just tag along to one of the planning events for moral support."

DH and I were married 3 yrs ago. We completely paid for our wedding and both sets of parents lived far away. So we planned everything ourselves. My first marriage many years ago when i was much younger, both sets of parents either contributed a set amount or paid for items. My MIL paid for the flowers. We went to the flower shop with her (her favorite flower shop) and picked out flowers that her son and I wanted to have at the wedding. She may have given us a budget, I don't remember. She didn't give any input on the flowers, but she was there sharing in the excitement. My parents paid/hosted the RD at their home. My step mother planned the menu and decorated, etc.

It sounds like maybe there is more to the situation than you have shared. I am terribly sorry for your loss. My daugther is 21. I can't imagine anything happening to her. I can't imagine recovering from something like that. My prayers are with you and your family. You mention that your husband is dealing with some anger. I know that men often use anger to cover up pain. Have you two seen a counselor? It's just a suggestion, if you think that might help.

God Bless.

 

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 23, 2010 7:27 AM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Dear Mtn,

Oh for crying out loud, grow a backbone and stand up for yourself. If you are the host of the rehearsal dinner, then you are the host. Don't let other people take it over. Don't let them determine the menu, do the decor, etc. The RD is YOUR party.

If you are contributing to the wedding itself, then you have every right to withdraw your funding based on having no input into the planning.

Why come and gripe to us? Tell your son:

1. You are taking over the rehearsal dinner. Period.

2. Since you were not invited to the shower and not included in wedding planning, you see no reason to contribute anything to the wedding except your own presence on W-Day.

You are a grown woman old enough to have a married son. Take charge of your life and your money.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 23, 2010 11:17 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Oh for crying out loud, grow a backbone and stand up for yourself. If
you are the host of the rehearsal dinner, then you are the host. Don't
let other people take it over. Don't let them determine the menu, do
the decor, etc. The RD is YOUR party.

Ding, Ding, Ding! I 1000% agree with this and everything else AOTB just said in her last post. I only read your original post the other day when you posted it, but as I was sitting here this morning catching up on your subsequent posts, I've gotten more and more fed up with you. I don't say this to be mean - quite the contrary, I hope it helps you. But you seriously need to grow a backbone and talk to the appropriate people about this. For god's sake, you're a grown woman with a son old enough to be getting married - I would think that by this point in your life, you would have learned to stand up for yourself. But that's my advice - if you're not happy with them taking your money and not involving you, you have two choices: either attach some strings to the monetary gift and insist that they include you, or withdraw your financial help. If both those options sound too harsh to you, then let things continue as they are - but if you take that route, then you have no right to complain about it.

As far as the planning help situation goes, I'm going to take a wild guess and assume that your son has no more of a backbone than you do. If that's the case, then I'm not surprised that a strong-willed woman (or even a not-so-strong-willed woman with a few of her own opinions) could easily take charge of the situation and he'd just go right along with it. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. When one partner is more hesitant or shy, an outgoing spouse with a take-charge attitude might be a very positive influence. The situation with siblings in the WP is a great example of this: she asked for what she wanted, he did not. If he really wanted his sister in the WP, he could have asked for it. You need to either accept his decision or TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL. How does your son feel about the issues you've brought up here? If he doesn't have a problem with them, then I think you need to get over feeling sorry for yourself and enjoy what you ARE involved in. If he does have a problem with them and just isn't standing up for himself, then I think the wedding should be the least of your concerns. I'd be much more worried about the future marriage. If it turns out that your son needs a backbone implaint, then I think it's time to sit down with both him and the bride, explain your feelings, and make him admit his own to her. As of now, you haven't told her how you feel, aside from a couple offers to help. I understand how you feel, but you can't expect the poor girl to know that there's a problem if you aren't honest with her about how you feel.

You NEED to learn to communicate better - both with your adult son and with his future wife - or this will only be the first of many problems between you. It takes time to adjust to changing roles within a family, and I know you're new to being a MIL or to having a married child. So I don't blame you too much for letting this situation get out of your control - you're still learning your boundaries. There's something to be said for not being controlling - but if what you're seeing now is any indication of how this relationship will continue in the future (and it IS - trust me!), you need to stand up for yourself if you want a part in this couple's life. If you don't become a little more assertive, not only will you miss out on wedding planning, but you will never see them for holidays and you'll likely rarely see your future grandchildren. The sooner you make the necessary changes, the better. You don't have to be controlling - just be assertive enough to make your feelings known, especially when your own money is involved.

Anyway, you have a choice. You can either accept the way things are and stop complaining, or do something about it. You're only being marginalized because you're ALLOWING yourself to be marginalized. Perhaps the bride's parents are simply more assertive.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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mtnnative Posts : 11 Registered: 5/11/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 23, 2010 1:33 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I am sorry if I upset anywhere here. Yes I will admit I need to stand up for myself and my family. I am planning to visit my son tomorrow to talk to him. He lives about 40 minutes away. I thought about calling him on the phone but I want to talk to him alone first in person. My son is involved with a lot of the planning and he told us that has picked out centerpieces for the reception and few other things. My son also needs to stand up for his family and I'm disappointed that my son didn't think enough of his sister to include in the wedding party or ask if she could do a reading or something else related to the ceremony. Again I apologize if I offended anyone here but I'm sad that it is accepted for a groom's family to not be heavily involved in the wedding.

september_2010 , colorado
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 23, 2010 3:04 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

I personally was not offended. I just thought you needed a wake up call. You say fdil put her brother in your son's wedding party either he didn't have a problem with it or he won't stick up for himself. Not good.

You have a role you can play it is yours alone and you allowed others to take it from you. TAKE IT BACK.

I do wish you and your son luck, seems like your in-laws are going to run all over you.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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september_2010 , october_2010 , southern_shore_new_jersey , colorado
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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 23, 2010 5:23 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Good luck tomorrow - I hope your much needed chat goes well. I agree 110+% with Art and AOTB.

I do want to add that just because your son thinks he picked out the centerpieces and is involved in planning doesn't necessarily mean he actually picked them out.

My husband may very well think he helped pick the menu, invitations, centerpieces, etc, etc. He did...sort of. Typically, I narrowed things down from 80000 choices to 2 and had him pick between the two. The one or two times I tried giving him 80000 choices, I thought his head was going to explode and he ended up making me narrow it down anyway. I'm not saying this is the case with your son, but I think most of my female friends, at least, have had very similar experiences planning their weddings.

 

north_carolina , colorado , august_2009 , september_2010
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AngieN Posts : 2 Registered: 5/24/09
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 23, 2010 8:36 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Just because it's not common or popular doesnt mean it wouldnt be a lot of fun and make an impression. "The cool MIH who started the couples shower trend"...

colorado , june_2010 , dec_2010 , september_2010 , pennsylvania
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 24, 2010 7:05 AM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Dear Mtn,

Under the traditional arrangements, the groom's family is not heavily involved in the wedding for the simple reason they are not the event hosts. The event hosts are the bride and her parents, so they pay for and plan the event. The groom's family, traditionally, pay for and plan the rehearsal dinner.

Sure, it's sexist, and now days many grooms families are contributing financially. However, as you know, there's a downside. Suddenly you have six people planning an event. (The couple and four parents), where in the past the event planners would be only two: The bride and her mother.

Tell you what: Think of your own paid employment and think about how inefficient it is to plan anything with a committee of six versus a committee of two. In a committee of six, there are more than a dozen lines of communication. In a committee of two, there is exactly one line of communication.

I am the mother of two adult sons. If and when either gets engaged, I will simply hand over a chunk of cash to the son so he and his hypothetical girlfriend and spend as they like. If the girlfriend has involved parents, then I'll just step back and let the bride and her mother have their time.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 24, 2010 8:04 AM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Just another note: yes, maybe the bride asked your son to put her brother in there. Maybe he volunteered. Maybe they are a little closer than you realize. Maybe your son doesn't have other people he'd rather have in his wedding party and her brother is not taking someone else's place (and your daughter would be).

And yes, it would be nice to have your daughter do something like a reading or whatever...but that is your son's responsibility to stick up for his sister.


Misty

september_2010 , september_2009 , colorado
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 24, 2010 10:11 AM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

I don't think anybody here is offended by anything you've said. Why would we be? You just need to learn to stand up for yourself. And your son needs to learn to do the same.

This really isn't an issue of whether or not the groom's family is traditionally involved in planning a wedding. As others have said, traditional roles are often remolded to fit modern lifestyles. Yes, in your case, the bride and her family are taking a more active role - but I don't think the primary reason for that is tradition. I think they're more involved than you are simply because they speak up and you don't. You can change that.

For our wedding, neither family was heavily involved in the planning. I planned most of it myself - with some help from DH here and there. It went pretty much the way a PP described: I did the research and narrowed down 80000 choices to two, then DH helped make the final decision. In that respect, he was involved and helped make decisions - but in actuality, he really didn't help much with anything that I could have used help with. We did it that way because that's the way we work best as a couple. I am a planner and he is more spontaneous. If we need to buy a new TV, for example, DH would go to Best Buy and pick the one that looks the best - whereas I would research different models, read customer reviews, compare prices at three different stores, wait for a sale, and thus find the best TV for the best price. We know that we usually end up with a better final result for a lower price if I do the legwork, so we approached it that way. As for our families, it never occured to us to plan by committee and it would have driven us insane if either set of parents had wanted to come to vendor appointments or be involved in every decision. My mom and I have a once-a-week phone date when we chat, and while we were planning the wedding, I usually updated her then on anything new that had happened that week. She would, of course, give her opinion and advice on stuff, but she was never involved in decision-making. DH does not talk to his parents as often as I talk to mine, so they didn't get updated as often - maybe once a month or so. The only appointment my mom attended with me was when I went to make a final decision on my dress after having narrowed it down to two choices. My MIL came with me to meet the music director at the church and select music, simply because she happened to be in town and DH didn't want to go. Though she was there, it was pretty much as a fly-on-the-wall, as I already knew what I wanted for music. We had no 'planning events', nor do I know anybody who has had a 'planning party' for their wedding. Frankly, I'd be pretty annoyed if I was invited to any sort of 'planning party' unless I was a paid professional. Both our families pretty much just had to show up at the wedding. Neither of us wanted our wedding to be a burden on our parents, so we took care of everything ourselves.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

colorado , september_2010
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RyanandKelly2009 Posts : 32 Registered: 12/10/09
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 24, 2010 3:41 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

I suggest you make yourself readily available to your future daughter in law if you want to be more involved. My future MIL isn't as involved as she would like to be but with her busy schedule and my vendor's busy schedule I can't find time when both are available so I meet with the vendors without her. If you work full-time I suggest telling her what weekends you have available (people's weekends in the summer tend to fill up quickly) and whatever you do don't make plans with her and then break them....trust me after committing to a Sat to plan my bridal shower with my mom, myself, and several of my bridesmaids, my future MIL decided to go away that weekend. Once I found I couldn't count on her I stopped scheduling decision making events around her schedule and now just invite her as an afterthough.

pennsylvania , july_2010 , colorado , september_2010
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