Groom's family being left out

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 12:08 AM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Regarding the shower, in some circles it's customary for the bride's side to throw a shower, and the groom's side to also throw a shower for their family and friends. Perhaps they were expecting you to do so? (I'm just throwing that out there; personally I think that they should have invited you)

Otherwise, just consider the fact that brides do a lot more wedding planning typically than grooms, and naturally a woman's go-to's are going to be her own family members. I don't know very many people who actively involved their future mother-in-laws in the planning, although it would be nice to be included, I know.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 4:27 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Okay, is your future DIL a mind reader? Have you tried actually, you know, telling her you'd like to help, or at least offering? Women get so stressed out with wedding planning, and trying to juggle things, that sometimes they don't think "Oh, maybe FH's mom would like to help". Or maybe she doesn't want to burden you with delegating tasks to you, since you've expressed no interest to her in wanting to help plan the wedding? Her mom & family have no doubt expressed interest in the planning process, so she's having them help.

Never assume anything. You know the old saying about assumptions....

As far as that shower, I'm with Bird on this one. I think it's entirely possible that the family did a shower, thinking your family would throw one of your own (though they still should have given you a courtesy invitation). That was a very common practice where I used to live, and I wouldn't have even batted an eyelash at something like that. But that's just me.

So, I'm just going to be blunt - Your future DIL is not a mind reader. She isn't a telepath. You have to COMMUNICATE you and your husband's desires to her, and to your son. The worst they can do is say no, and then you can stew about that.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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Elbelle77 Posts : 222 Registered: 1/24/08
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 9:44 AM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

When DH and I were engaged we did all the planning either together or with my mom. I was waaay more into the planning than he was and he works crazy hours, so I looked into lots of ideas with my mom (either going somewhere or online) and then narrowed down the choices to show DH. Honestly, it never occurred to me to ask MIL to help. She works and had 3 daughters, so I assumed she was fine having those experiences with her daughters. Plus, she never offered. She'd ask how planning was going and I was happy to fill her in on everything, but she never indicated that she wanted to do any of it with us.

In fact, my SILs offered to come over and help me with all the favors while DH was away for his bachelor party and no one showed up! So needless to say, after that, I wasn't going to go out of my way to invite them to the other planning/preparation events.

I agree with the others, talk to your son. Maybe she doesn't know you'd like to take part in all this.

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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 9:58 AM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

Ugh, just talk to your son, like all the very smart ladies on here have said.

I LOVE my MIL. She's sweet, nice, funny and very caring. I think we'll probably have a great relationship. You know what I did NOT enjoy doing? Planning my wedding with her. I also didn't enjoy planning with my own mother. Like Art, it was simply too many people involved and everyone had their own opinion and overthought everything.

DH and I planned our wedding basically on our own. We would decide something and I would communicate our plan to my parents and he would communicate it to his. I'm sure his mother got less information than mine, because I'm also sure that my husband only picked up about 1/3 of what was going on.

The important part, though, was that my parents and his parents had a fantastic time at the wedding. So did we, and it was exactly what we wanted.

As to your concerns about not getting to plan a wedding with your daughter, only time will tell. We only got married last year, and at the time thought his sister would potentially never get married. (She's super, super shy). Since then, she's met someone, they've moved in together and we expect them to get engaged any day. A lot can change in a short period of time.

In any event, if you want to be more involved, talk to your son. We can't talk to your son. We can't tell you if you aren't involved because they don't know you want to be or because there are already too many people involved.

Personally, I have no interest in ever planning a wedding every again. If I have kids and they get married, I'll give them a set amount of money to do whatever they want with and hope that all I have to do is show up.

 

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mtnnative Posts : 11 Registered: 5/11/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 12:31 PM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

I have offered help to my future daughter-in-law but she has turned down those offers. Her mom and sisters have been going with her and my son to printing stores, florists and other wedding related places. My daughter so far hasn't been offered a role in the wedding and that is another thing that is hurting me.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 12:32 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Honestly...the kindest thing you can do for her is offer to help if she needs it....and stay out of it if she doesn't. Truly, MtnMother.... you are helping that couple out more than you know by NOT helping with this event....that's one less voice that they have to compromise what they actually want with. However, you should ask your son to arrange a get together with his bride and her family to discuss the wedding. You don't need input on a lot of things...the wedding event is typically hosted by the parents of the bride. But if they are expecting you to handle certain things (like rehearsal dinner), then you need to know now rather than finding out one month from the event.

I think our mother's mothers planned our mother's weddings...as their mother's mother's mother planed their mother's mother's event and so on. So our mother's feel like this is their chance to plan the wedding they wanted...and our chance is with our daughters.

But this generation has taken control. Our mothers also are the generation where women really became a force in the workplace and independant. We're the product of that. Many brides today plan AND PAY FOR their own weddings, with minimal parental contribution -- or with a matching parental contribution. While you're paying, I bet the bride and groom are too. (My 1997 wedding was entirely funded by my parents. And in turn, I had no say.) They get a voice.

Now, I do feel that the MOG should have been invited to any showers thrown by work or family (as should the MOB). Her family probably figured your side would do one and they would not have to go to it.

Misty

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mtnnative Posts : 11 Registered: 5/11/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 1:28 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

We are paying for the rehersal dinner my son and his fiance booked the place and we have already put a down payment on that. They planned the menu without asking me or my husband. My future daughter-in-law is already planning for her aunts and a couple of friends who aren't bridesmaids to do the decorations and things for the rehersal dinner.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 2:22 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

I'm a mother of the bride, so can give you the parent perspective. Your FDIL and her family are poops for not inviting you to the shower--that's just rude.

As far as paying goes, I'm a big believer in giving the bride and groom (hoping that they are responsible adults) a lump sum and letting them plan as they wish. If they want my input, I'll give it to them. If not, I shut up. Since I was the bride's mother and we are very close, I was involved in many appointments. The groom's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and also contributed money to the wedding. Even so, the groom's mother was not involved in most vendor appointments. As Art said, that would have been too many cooks and, frankly, her taste is different from ours. We (MIL and I) consulted on many things--colors and styles of our dresses, welcome baskets for our guests, RD menu, guest list, and music. She did not consult me on the decor for the RD--that was her party (and it was great!) She also threw the wedding shower for my daughter (along with my daughter's FSIL, who was in the wedding). I was not consulted about any part of it--again, her party. We kept her informed of plans, asked for her input when it was needed, and didn't when it wasn't. She was pleasant and helpful when she was asked for help. For example, she knew a great calligrapher and had all of our envelopes done--wonderful! But, for the most part, we'd tell her "We're planning this or that," and she'd say, "Sounds great."
My impression is that you sound very needy. Maybe that has to do with the loss of your daughter and no solid plans with your other daughter. If I were you, I'd back off. Offer to be helpful, and if your offer is not accepted, don't push. Show up with a smile on your face, at the appointed time, place, and in the designated dress. This is the way to get along with your children.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 2:35 PM Go to message in response to: myras

This kinda reminds me of my Senior Prom.

I went to a boarding school which was about 2 hours from where I lived. My date attended the same school--as a day student. His mom only had sons, and she'd invited a group of us to their house for an after prom champagne brunch.

My date told me that they'd be at the dorm to pick us up at 4 pm. (confused me since location was an hour from the school, and prom was not until 7 pm.) What my date did not tell me (presumably because his mom did not relay why she wanted to be at the school so early) was that his mother planned to help me get ready for prom--since she'd always wanted to do that, and she had no daughters of her own. I had never met this woman. And this was not my boyfriend, just a good friend who was my prom date.

So, since I had to be ready at 4 and the rest of my friends didn't have to be ready until 5 (because if he's coming at 4 to get me, I need to be ready at 4. I'm not and never have been the type of person to make others wait for me), my friend styled my hair first and helped me with my make up.

Date's mom shows up at 4 (figuring it will take an hour and a half to get me ready, plenty of time to make it to prom)... and she's disappointed that I am already completely ready. OF COURSE I'm ready. I started at 2:00.

But the thing was:

a) she never told her son that she wanted to help me get ready
b) her son never told me this
c) she's not my mother
d) none of the dormie's mom's helped them get ready...we basically had a roving prom preparation group. Mostly sophomores and juniors who were not going were helping the gals who were going get ready.

And if my mother didn't get to do this for her own daughter (and I do have a mother, thank you very much), why should my date's mom, whom I have never met, get to do this?

I'm sorry you are not sure if your daughter will get married...but really, most of us want to plan our own weddings now, and only ask for minimal input from our parents. My mom was mostly informed about the decisions being made, and yeah, she did whine a little that she wasn't getting to plan the wedding. I point blank told her that we were paying and my DH was very involved in planning. I didn't really need help, and if I did, I'd ask. But she thought she should have been consulted more.

Misty

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mtnnative Posts : 11 Registered: 5/11/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 2:57 PM Go to message in response to: myras

I agree I have been needy since the death of my daughter. Her death was unexpected and I hope none of ever have to experience what I have gone through. When you lose someone your world is turned upside down and some of the things you dreamed of and expected are lost. I know life goes on but I will never get over the loss of my daughter. I no longer believe in things being guaranteed. I try to live my life day to day. When my son announced his engagement I was very happy and it was very uplifiting thing for our family. But when the planning started and my son and his fiance were always happily talking about how they were making plans with her parents and siblings involved. The bride's brother will also be a groomsmen and my daughter wasn't asked to be in the wedding party. I feel out of loop with my son.

I can't really turn to my husband for comfort because he has still has anger over my daughter's death. I thought this wedding would help me heal a little and it didn't. I don't want to pick things out for my son and fiance I just want to be around when they pick things out and show her family what they going to have in the wedding.

Edited by: mtnnative on May 22, 2010 3:01 PM

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 3:14 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

I think I understand some of your frustration. My husband and I don't have a mother so that was not an issue for us. I would be upset about the fact that I and my daughter were not invited to the shower as Myras said that is just plain rude.

I would take issue with people planning an event that I am hosting without consulting me. I am the type of person that would say, "Excuse you but you have no right to decide how my money will be spent, That is my decision. I would be happy to consult with you on the menu but that is a decision my husband and I will make or if he is not interested I will make myself. I am hosting the RD so I will decorate it and take care of all the details this is your party and you need to put your foot down about that.

As far as you daughter not being asked to be a bridesmaid, brides typically ask their close family and friends to be their attendants. If the sister of the groom is not a friend I would not expect her to be asked.

Good luck with everything.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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mtnnative Posts : 11 Registered: 5/11/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 4:30 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

I do understand my daughter not being asked to a be bridesmaid. But my future daughter-in-law designated her brother as a groomsman.

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jcrom88 Posts : 4 Registered: 5/22/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 4:35 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

You mentioned a few times about them talking to you about the details of the wedding. Doesn't sound like you're being completely left out.

As for your daughter not being asked to be a bridesmaid... I completely understand your DIL not including her. I'm not including either of my FH's sisters in my wedding. We do not have a good relationship. It's my wedding and I want my closest friends with me.

Not to be blunt, but when it comes down to it, it's their day.

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mtnnative Posts : 11 Registered: 5/11/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 4:45 PM Go to message in response to: jcrom88

I do understand that my fdil wanted friends with her in her party. I'm sort or upset that she made my son have her brother as a groomsman. So far they haven't offered no ways for my daughter to be apart of the ceremony. The bride's uncle and paternal grandfather are doing the readings and bride's maternal grandparents are taking up the Communion gifts.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 22, 2010 6:02 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Oh good lord, is your SON upset? Or are you???? TALK with your son. If he isn't upset, then why on earth would you be? And if you are paying for the rehearsal dinner then yes, you get to plan.

TALK TO YOUR SON. please.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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