Groom's family being left out

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mtnnative Posts : 11 Registered: 5/11/10
Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 20, 2010 3:26 PM

Hello everyone,

I'm a mother of the groom. The wedding will be in September. But our side of the family has been left out of a lot of planning and we won't be involved in the ceremony that much. Why is it generally accepted for the groom's family to just show up and not be heavily involved?

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 20, 2010 3:58 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

It's generally accepted that the bride and groom plan the wedding.

ARe you paying? If so, that typically gives you more room to be demanding. But I'd say the person you should be talking with is your son.

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mtnnative Posts : 11 Registered: 5/11/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 20, 2010 5:27 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

We are splitting costs with the bride's family. But they seem to be more involved and they always get invitied to planning events and such.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 20, 2010 6:29 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Well, like I said, talk with your son.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 21, 2010 6:53 AM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Dear Mtn,

If you are splitting the costs, then you have every right to be part of the planning. Have a talk with your son and express your concerns.

Personally, I think it good when the bride's family plans and pays for the wedding, and the groom's family plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon. It's a convenient division of labor.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 21, 2010 12:33 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

I'm not saying this to be critical, but there's such a thing as too many cooks in the kitchen. If my parents and ILs had all been involved in planning our wedding, no decisions ever would have been made and we'd still be sitting here two years later, arguing about stupid wedding planning details that could have easily been decided by ONE person. I totally understand why you want to be involved, but planning goes SO much faster when it's not done by committee.

I think this is a safe assumption about what is going on: Even if your son is totally into wedding planning, he's not as into it as she is. Most brides do more of the planning than their groom. Even if they present a 'we do everything together' front - she is probably doing more of the work than he is. And because she's doing most of the work, she's turning for help to the mother with whom she is closest - her own. That just makes sense, especially if you've never indicated to her that you'd like to be more involved. They are probably not leaving you out intentionally. It's probably a case of the bride making appointments, telling your son when to show up, and inviting her own parents because she could use a second opinion.

The bottom line: If you want to be more involved, talk to your son. Don't be accusatory - just tell him that you'd like to be as involved in the planning as her parents.

Personally, however, I don't think ANYONE except the bride and groom should be attending planning appointments. As I said above, too many cooks in the kitchen makes everything more difficult. Since you and her parents are paying, I think its fair of you to expect them to keep you informed of decisions - but do you really have the time to attend multiple vendor appointments with them? Do you really CARE about the merits of white vs ivory napkins? Do you need to overanalyze every decision with them, or would you be happy simply to be consulted if they need a second opinion on something? And of course, kept informed of decisions after they've been made. I wouldn't want to be more involved than that in my future children's weddings. Assuming that I've raised children that are responsible and have reasonably good taste, I'd prefer to just give them the money and let them plan on their own. I wouldn't want to spend the year leading up to the wedding arguing over which shade of blue is the best.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 21, 2010 1:46 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I sort of agree, AOTB, but I can assure you that if someone other than my DH picked and planned our honeymoon I would have been VERY irritated. There is no way that his family would have known well enough waht we liked to plan that, they'd probably have sent us on some action type thing rather than to a tropical all inclusive do nothing unless we want to place. Plus, there are some things that are private. We didn't tell anyone where we were, other than one person each side of hte family those we trusted could determine what an actual emergency was.

I know that I would not have wanted to have to review our decisions with DH's sisters/parents before we made them. If forced, and if they were giving money, we'd of given the money back so as not to have to do that.

He kept htem informed of major htings, like where and when it was, but that's pretty much it. The rest we planned together, just us, and that's the way we wanted it. IMO, the parents planned their own wedding, the kids get to do the same, and the OP should just ask her son, and then accept his decision either way. (about involvement in the decision making process, like what colors, flowers, cake, music, etc) But I can assure her that had we been given money with those strings, we would have declined.

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mtnnative Posts : 11 Registered: 5/11/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 21, 2010 3:11 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

I can understand the "too many cooks in the kitchen" situation. But my husband and I feel left out of the planning of the wedding. We simply want to go to planning events and see what my son and his fiance are interested in. The bride's side of the family had a shower and did not invite me, my daughter any of my female relatives. My future daughter-in-law is planning to have a favor/candle making party in August for her friends and relatives. My family feels that we are just showing up to the wedding and not valued as much as the bride's family.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 21, 2010 3:51 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Is there a reason you aren't talking with your son about this??? I don't get it.

Honestly, you should have been invited to the shower, but I would probably not involve you in other things. Your son could if that is waht he and his bride to be WANT to do. I certainly never invited my DH's mom or sisters to go to any "planning" event. I really am not sure what you mean by "planning" event anyway. When DH and I went to the cake tasting, to look at venues, etc, we went alone. If I would of asked anyone else to come it would only have been my mom.

But, for whatever reason, you are continuing to argue the point here rather than talk reasonably with your son. For me, that is clue number HUGE why bride and her family are not inviting you.

I will admit to bias, based on bossy, pushy in laws. You'll probably get less biased advice from the people on here lucky enough NOT to have such problem inlaws. HOwever, I can't figure out how we can offer further advice if you will not talk iwth your son. Thus, I believe there is probably way more going on here.


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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 21, 2010 3:59 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

It's entirely possible that all they want is for you and your family to show up, and that's all that you really have to do. That wouldn't be unusual, in my opinion

Brutal honesty here: As far as I was concerned, hubs's family just had to show up. Between me, my mom, my stepmom, my MOH, and my wedding planner, I didn't want anyone else factoring in. Also, I felt no need to include them in the planning, as his family has two daughters, whose weddings they would one day be able to plan to their heart's content. The only thing his family had a hand in was creating the guest list, and his sisters and mother (but none of his other relatives) were invited to the shower. I did not throw the shower, but I did help create the guest list. I'm somewhat suprised you weren't invited, but who is invited is up to the host -- and that host can make a guest list that they want.

If you'd like to see your side of the family more involved, my suggestion is you speak to your son directly. Since the groom's family typically does not do much planning, it may not have even occurred to them that you'd want to be involved, particularly if you and the bride are not close.


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AngieN Posts : 2 Registered: 5/24/09
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 21, 2010 8:04 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

So I'm curious...did you think about having your own shower for the bride and groom? (I'm not a fan of these women only showers...). It sounds as if you need to do a little of make your own fun, and get yourself included. The shower may not have been planned by her.

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mtnnative Posts : 11 Registered: 5/11/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 21, 2010 8:29 PM Go to message in response to: AngieN

I do plan to talk to my son about this. We aren't trying to be pushy. I get a bit sad when my son and fiance come over to our house and they talk about going to vendors, planning things and how her parents and siblings are involved. Others have said that since I have a daughter I will get to plan a wedding. But I'm the type of person who doesn't believe that things are guarenteed because I had another daughter who died two years ago and my other daughter is always in and out of relationships. Part of the reason I want to be a little involved in my son's wedding is because I don't want to miss out on something that I might not get a chance to experience again.

As for us throwing a shower for the bride and groom that sort of thing isn't common or popular we live.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 21, 2010 9:10 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

Well, talk to your son. Still, I"m sure the bride's mom wants to plan with her daughter too. And, if you don't want to throw a shower, than do something else. Have a get together, a dinner, whatever. But don't expect the bride to want to take you along to do the things she is doing with her own mother.

You have the children you have, and someday if your daughter marries then you can plan with her. Right now, it's the brides time to plan with her own mom, and I would never in a million years have been comfortable hauling around a bunch of peole with us to plan, particularly not people I am not very close to and did not know well (ie, future in laws) Those relationships take time.

You ahven't mentioned anything about the bride here, if you're close, if you like her, etc, only that you don't want to be left out because her family is participating and because you are unsure your daughter will marry. Why would the bride want to include you in stuff like this if she perceives your only interest is you??


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mtnnative Posts : 11 Registered: 5/11/10
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 21, 2010 9:43 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

I do like the bride. We have gotten close over the past year. I have offered help with things and she has turned down those offers. I guess I'm wrong to want to be involved in my son's wedding just as much if my daughter was getting married.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Groom's family being left out
Posted: May 21, 2010 10:15 PM Go to message in response to: mtnnative

It's not the same with a son as with a daughter. Typically, a daughter will want to involve her mom, and not her future mil, but even then, each bride is different and each couple is different. Why not just enjoy their happines and having your son marry someone that you like too, who makes him happy.

Like I said before, I would not ahve wanted to do any of the planning with other people, and certainly not my future in laws. If you've offered, and she's declined, that's pretty much all you can do unless your SON is planning certain parts and will work with you.

You get to go to the wedding, you get to be part of their married lives, I"m thinking you should just be happy that your son will be happy. Honestly, that is what I did with my daughter for her wedding. I helped when SHE asked, but I didn't butt in for my own emotional needs. It's not about those, it's about your son and future DIL and what THEY want.

"I guess I'm wrong to want to be involved in my son's wedding just as
much if my daughter was getting married." You're wrong to try to guilt trip either one of them into it, and that statement above sure sounds like it's what you're going for. You can want whatever you want, but it'd be better if you accepted their boundaries and just focused on your happines that they are getting married and appreciate what they are willing to share. Comments like that would only reinforce my decision not to include you in anything extra. I mean, if you didn't like the choice, I would expect to hear more of the same "I guess I"m wrong...fill in the blanks"




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Edited by: cyndi33 on May 21, 2010 8:15 PM
Edited by: cyndi33 on May 21, 2010 8:16 PM

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