Attending a wedding

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time94am Posts : 42 Registered: 5/16/10
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 9:35 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

As an aside, although having to do the work for the guests by sending them RSVP cards, addressing them, and stamping them seems to be de rigeur today, you should know that in business, especially in upper management and more professional positions, it can reflect very poorly on the person who does not respond to a formal business invitation, which often does not include an RSVP card because it is assumed that by the time the person reaches a certain level in his field, he should be educated enough to know that it is considered bad form to simply ignore a formal invitation. In fact, there was just a internet article (I thought it was Yahoo, but I could be wrong) that listed some of the major mistakes that employees make, not responding to invitations was one of them.

I understand that you may not feel this way, but I mention it because sometimes in business, it doesn't matter what we think is good etiquette; it matters what bosses and potential clients for companies think and, especially, what they expect.

Society as a whole needs to brush up on etiquette, which is, in part, simply what expectations are in various situations. By doing so, we'd all avoid most of the problems we see on the board today.

Best wishes.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 9:52 AM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Dear Christina,

" She didn't include anything but an outer envelope and inside a single page invitation. Is it possible that she is so far from knowing wedding etiquette, that she just didn't think to add my fiance? "

It is certainly possible she is totally clueless.

You cannot come right out and say "Can I bring someone who was not invited in the first place?". No no no.

What you CAN do is decline, and offer the reason that your fiancé was not invited.

"Hi, Friend, my mother and I received your invitation in the mail last Tuesday. We are both very happy for you and wish you the best. Unfortunately, my mother will be unable to attend the wedding due to a previous engagement. I must decline, as well, because my fiancé and I like to attend social events as a couple."

That's the bride's cue to get back to you and say one of two things:

(1) "Of course I'd like to invite your fiancé. Silly me, I forgot to put his name on the invitation."

or

(2) "Due to a very tight budget, limited space, whatever, we were not able to include spouses and fiancé(e)s of our guests... bla bla bla"

If you hear #2 in response, then you are doing her a favor by declining. That frees up a spot for someone else on her incredibly limited guest list.

Communicate your decline in any means possible. All you are obliged to do is respond to the invitation. You can phone, write, text, FB message, whatever. Just respond, somehow.

I still say she's an idiot.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 9:56 AM Go to message in response to: time94am

Dear Time,

" you should know that in business, especially in upper management and more professional positions, it can reflect very poorly on the person who does not respond to a formal business invitation"

Oh, yes, true. You are right on that.

On the other hand, there are unsolicited advertising pieces that come disguised as a formal business invitation. I get those from timeshare companies all the time, and just trash them.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 10:03 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Dear AB,

"Organization is the bride's responsibility, not mine. If she's so disorganized that she can't remember to jot down a yes or no after she's done speaking to me on the phone, who's to say that she won't lose a note that I send via snail-mail?"

Exactly.

When I sent out my wedding invitations, my parents' address was on the back of the outside envelope, as well as in the body of the invitation. (We were married, as you know, at my parents' house.)

We just put "RSVP 555-555-5555" as the final line of the invitation. My mother kept a master list of everyone invited by her telephone, then as people called, she checked them off. A few people sent paper notes through the mail, and she just checked them off as the mail arrived. Finally, she kept a small notebook in her purse dedicated to wedding related issues. ("Call florist 222-2222") If she ran into someone outside the house, and if that person told her accept/decline, my mother just made a note in her purse notebook.

My mother was a veteran party-giver by the time I got married, and knew the drill. I did not hear about any "problem" invited guest who had to be chased down. My mom just knew how to handle it.

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time94am Posts : 42 Registered: 5/16/10
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 10:06 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Dear Aunt,

Oh, timeshare garbage -- absolutely not. I was referring to a very legitimate invitation, such as that from another department or another company with whom yours does business. It's unfortunate that a lot of people just beginning their professional lives don't have a basis for what is expected of them.

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time94am Posts : 42 Registered: 5/16/10
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 10:13 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Dear Aunt,

For casual invitations, you're right: the telephone is acceptable.

For formal invitations, there is no doubt that people can't seem to be able to pick up a pen and paper and be bothered to respond and so telephoning is very common. However, many experts disagree on its acceptability.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 11:11 AM Go to message in response to: time94am

I understand that you may not feel this way, but I mention it because sometimes in business, it doesn't matter what we think is good etiquette; it matters what bosses and potential clients for companies think and, especially, what they expect.

I understand that. I am a professional in a senior level position and know how to behave accordingly. I appreciate the advice, but you're preaching to the choir.

I am speaking strictly about THIS situation. In this case, the bride has been inconsiderate. As I said, I do not strictly follow etiquette within my circle of close friends and family. If a close friend invited me to a wedding without my husband, I would call her and ask about it. If I received an invitation without any instructions on whether or not I should RSVP, I would probably do so via email or a phone call rather than snail mail. I'm not saying it's proper etiquette. I'm saying it's what I would do. If your friendships are so formal that your friends would look poorly upon you for responding via phone call rather than snail mail, that's your business. For most relationships, I'd say that a phone call is perfectly fine. (note that I am not referring to business invitations)

Anyway, back to the OP: If you want to go without your FH, then do so.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 11:23 AM Go to message in response to: time94am

Dear Time,

". I was referring to a very legitimate invitation, such as that from another department or another company with whom yours does business."

Oh, yes, exactly true.

I just mentioned the ad disguised as an invitation as clarification.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 11:36 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Art, Well said. Completely agree, and I would handle this the same. I would decline, but if the OP wants to go, that's totally her call.

I don't have friendships that are so formal I have to respond via snail mail. They would probably think I was upset with them if I chose to behave so formally anyway.

None of the above has anything to do with how I behave professionally.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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christinagsu Posts : 50 Registered: 11/18/08
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 1:19 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

update...I contacted her and she said that FH is totally invited she just didn't know his name. Still don't understand why she didn't just ask his name, but oh well. She even asked me to come early while they are getting ready and help out or just be there.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 1:22 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

And all fixed...she was, just clueless. OP, glad it worked out, and glad you chose not to send a formal, written decline.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 1:24 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Dear Christina,

" She even asked me to come early while they are getting ready and help out or just be there."

Great, then that's resolved.

However.... warning warning warning. She wants you to come early and "help out"?

Someone that clueless is probably poorly prepared, and those coming early to "help out" will end up doing real labor. I've heard of people being pressed into cooking, decorating, hauling chairs around, cleaning up, taking out the trash, etc.

If you are willing and able to do that kind of thing, find, go early and help out. If not, then show up right at the advertised start time and have some kind of "excuse" to leave and not have to be pressed into janitorial duty.

I'm only tell you this so you won't be blindsided. Be aware in advance and have your personal boundaries drawn in the privacy of your own mind.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 1:31 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Glad to hear it worked out. I figured the bride was probably just clueless. I'm glad you asked - it sounds like it was worth it to commit an etiquette misdemeanor to save the friendship. (Whereas her mistake was the etiquette FELONY!) She really does sound like an idiot, though - I hope she's not this clueless in the rest of her life.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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christinagsu Posts : 50 Registered: 11/18/08
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 4:03 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

AOTB - That would be just fine. Thanks for the thought but I love to help out with anything event related:) so i'd be more than happy to do anything to help.

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