Attending a wedding

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christinagsu Posts : 50 Registered: 11/18/08
Attending a wedding
Posted: May 17, 2010 2:02 PM

I think if a bride invites you to her wedding and doesn't include a guest, that you aren't supposed to bring one, is this correct? I have a friend getting married that I have know since I was 3 and I just got her invitation in mail. On the envelop it listed me and my mother, however, she did not include my finance, and she knows I am engaged. The invitation gives no RSVP information. Do I just show up with the fiance? It is likely my mom won't go so that would be two people, just not the two she named.

I have never seen a wedding invitation without RSVP information, am I supposed to RSVP anyways?

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 17, 2010 2:06 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

It's a little odd that she sent one invitation for both you and your mother. I invited all adult guests under their own invitation. AOTB should be by to help out with what to do. But yes, generally if no and guest is listed, then that means they intend only the named invitees. But, it is also odd that no rsvp was included. How will she turn in her count?

strange.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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time94am Posts : 42 Registered: 5/16/10
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 17, 2010 3:01 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

It's rather sad that so many people don't know that when you receive a formal invitation to any event, you are supposed to respond with a handwritten note (no phone calls), regardless of whether you'll attend.

Because so many people never responded to formal invitations, the invention of the "RSVP" card was invented.

Originally a bride would have a small filing card system with each person's name who was invited to the wedding. On those cards, the bride would write down when she received a response. Then, when wedding gifts began arriving, she would write down the gift that the person gave and eventually a checkmark or something indicating that a thank-you note had been written.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 17, 2010 3:08 PM Go to message in response to: time94am

Yes, and rsvp cards are now the norm, so it's odd when you receive an invitation without one. It is ALSO odd when two invites are combined into one (adult daughter, mother) rather than spending the additional couple bucks to send each an invitation. Based on that, I think it highly unlikely that the bride in question sent hers without rsvp cards out of following the original tradition. But who knows, you may be exactly right. I doubt it though, and think it's cost cutting. I am 40 something, I have never received a wedding invitation without an rsvp card. And the one online one I received had rsvp set up online.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 17, 2010 3:17 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

That is pretty strange that you and your mom received one invitation. Do you live with her? If so, then I understand why a couple might opt to send only one invitation (it's not correct etiquette, but it saves paper, which is a plus). I wouldn't be too offended by that. I'd think it a little strange, especially if my mom and I did not live together, but it wouldn't bother me.

The fact that your FH's name is not on the invitation WOULD bother me - but before you get upset about it, see if he receives his own invitation (particularly if you don't live together). If a couple does not live together, it is normal procedure to send each person their own invitation, rather than inviting one person with a plus one.

I would give it a week. If, at that time, your FH has not received his own invitation, I would call the bride and ask. If she responds with something like, 'Of course he's invited! I just didn't know how to spell his name!' then I would plan on both of you attending. If she says that he is not invited, I would respond with, 'Sorry, but my fiance and I attend social events as a couple. If he's not invited, I'll have to pass.' If you're Ok with your FH being snubbed and want to attend the wedding anyway, go ahead and do so. I would not.

As for the RSVP, I've never seen a wedding invitation without any RSVP information, either. The PP is correct that RSVP cards were not common practice in the past, and that guests normally responded on their own. That is not common practice these days, however, so I think you're right to be confused. I would contact the bride and let her know whether or not you will be attending. Personally, I do not think a handwritten note is necessary. A phone call or email should be fine - just make sure you get some sort of acknowledgement from her that it has been received. An unreturned text or facebook message won't cut it.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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time94am Posts : 42 Registered: 5/16/10
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 17, 2010 3:27 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I don't think phone calls are a good idea simply because there is no written record of it. Imagine that you receive a phone call just as you're scurrying out the door. Especially if the phone call were very short, you might not remember if the person said yes or no. A written RSVP leaves no doubt. It's true that many people do call, but I really don't think it's very nice to do to someone -- especially if multiple people phone in about the same time.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 17, 2010 3:35 PM Go to message in response to: time94am

If you're still trying to say the bride is following etiquette when 1) she sent one invite to two adults (mom and daughter) and 2) she did not invite the fiance, then I disagree. It is supremely NOT nice not to invite the FH, if that is what she did here. They are friends, I don't see how a phone call is not nice.

Using ARt's suggestion, the OP can also find out if her fiance is invited.

After all, it's not like they don't know each other well if they've known each other since they were 3 years old.

In no way do I believe that it is necessary to write to her rather than call. And, no way is NOT including RSVP's in invites what's done today.

It wouldn't irritate me, neither would getting an invite shared with my mom I guess, or my daughter, BUT, I would decline if my fiance/husband were not invited. She can clear that up easily enough with a phone call.

Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 17, 2010 6:57 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Dear Christina,

Only the people invited, those exact people, may attend. If the bride knows you are engaged, and if she did not invite your fiancé, then she is in the wrong.

Two wrongs do not make a right, though.

You have exactly two choices:

1. Accept the invitation and attend with or without your mother, but without your fiancé.

2. Decline the invitation.

If you decline, you are allowed to say something slightly snarky such as "I'm sorry, but I must decline your kind invitation. My fiancé and I usually attend such events as a couple."

As for the RSVP information, I trust there is a return address on the envelope? Take out a note card, write out your response, and send it to that address.

You cannot substitute guests. If your mother cannot attend, then she doesn't attend. That doesn't mean you can move in someone else to go in her place. Not even if that substitute is your fiancé.

I agree the bride is an idiot.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 17, 2010 7:02 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Ladies,

"As for the RSVP, I've never seen a wedding invitation without any RSVP information, either."

I never saw pre-printed, pre-addressed, pre-stamped RSVP cards until the 1980s. Prior to that time, people just wrote short notes on their own stationery or phoned.

I think of them as a Necessary Evil, because if not for the pre-printed, pre-addressed, pre-stamped RSVP card, few people would bother.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 17, 2010 7:24 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Yes, AOTB, the bride is. And I personally would not send them out without rsvp's for exactly the reason that people wouldn't reply, even with rsvp's they are bad at that, and then I would not have anywhere near an accurate count.

The bride just sounds a bit clueless really.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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christinagsu Posts : 50 Registered: 11/18/08
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 8:26 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

AOTB - She didn't include anything but an outer envelope and inside a single page invitation. Is it possible that she is so far from knowing wedding etiquette, that she just didn't think to add my fiance? If that is the case, could I ask her like the others have suggested? This is a small wedding thrown together by her and her family and absolutely nothing seems to have been done in what I would call proper etiquette.

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christinagsu Posts : 50 Registered: 11/18/08
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 8:36 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

AB- I do not live with my mother and I DO live with my fiance...so it is completely weird to me. I have NO CLUE why she included my mother on there. I mean we have known each other our whole lives because our mothers were friends, but I live an hour away from my mom, she should get her own. In planning my wedding, I have been planning an invitation for this girl and her soon to be husband and then another one for her mom and dad. I just don't get it!

Also, can you guys help me out...I understand in context what PP and OP are referring to, however, I am not sure what the initials stand for....

I am waiting to hear AOTB response to last message I posted, but at this point I am thinking I just call her....well actually...we never talk on the phone it's more of a texting kind of relationship. We haven't been close in about 6 or 8 years...but close enough that when she got engaged I went down there and hung out with her and took her to coffee, that sort of thing. (down there being by my moms - lives about a mile from my mother) She has pretty much not really wanted to talk to me since I ran off and got married the first time (she got really really mad that she wasn't in the wedding)....but she couldn't have been unless she could have paid her travel expenses. Nobody was there except me, him and his parents so I don't think she should have gotten upset, I didn't leave her out.

This is a girl that asked me to be a bridesmaid....we are that close. But she only gave me a month to get my dress because they were being discontinued. So the day I went down there (which was like 2 days before discontinued) I found out it had to be paid in full at time of order. Which she hadn't exactly picked out a cheap dress and I didn't have the money that day, I had with me what I was going to put down on the dress. So I had to back out because I didn't have the money to buy the dress that day. Do you think this is why she didn't invite my FH bc she is mad about that? If so, why invite me at all?

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 8:41 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I never saw pre-printed, pre-addressed, pre-stamped RSVP cards until the 1980s.

Yep. I was born in 1980, so that explains it. I grew up with them, thus I expect them. If not a little response card, I expect SOME RSVP directions, such as a website to do so online, an email address, or a phone number. At the VERY least, I expect a date by which I am expected to respond. I understand that this was not the norm until 25-30 years ago, but it is now, so it's weird to see an invitation without one.

To the PP who is very anti-phone calls: Organization is the bride's responsibility, not mine. If she's so disorganized that she can't remember to jot down a yes or no after she's done speaking to me on the phone, who's to say that she won't lose a note that I send via snail-mail? And as far as etiquette is concerned, I wouldn't be worrying about the etiquette of how to respond to a wedding invitation if I was invited with my mother and my husband was not invited.

To the OP: How close are you to this girl? I know I don't strictly follow etiquette amongst my close friends, so I wouldn't think twice about calling a close friend and asking whether or not she meant to invite him. If you're not close, then I would follow etiquette and decline (or attend without him, if you want).

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 8:49 AM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Also, can you guys help me out...I understand in context what PP and OP are referring to, however, I am not sure what the initials stand for....

PP = Previous Poster
OP = Original Poster

Ok, having heard the rest of the story, I am confused. You haven't been close in 6-8 years and you pretty much only communicate via text, yet she asked you to be in the WP? To me, this sounds like a dying friendship. Do you have anything in common anymore, other than your mothers and your past friendship? If it were me, I would let this friendship go, especially in light of her snubbing your FH. It will most likely die on its own soon - in fact, if I'm understanding it correctly, I'm surprised it's lasted as long as it has.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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christinagsu Posts : 50 Registered: 11/18/08
Re: Attending a wedding
Posted: May 18, 2010 9:23 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

haha...totally laughing at myself now because I seriously did not think "PP" and "OP" through! Thanks for the clarification.

But yeah, you're right, we have nothing in common. I think it's just hard to not be there for someone you have known your whole life, you know? I didn't think anything of her asking me to be in the WP (figured that one out quickly.LOL) because I would probably ask her if I were going to have attendants. I mean, it just seems natural because of our history together.

I agree with you that I have grown up with RSVP info. I mean, she didn't even include her address or phone number if I wanted to RSVP on my own stationary. I don't know her address without calling her anyways.

If I don't go because she didn't invite FH then I feel like that will be the end of the relationship and I am not sure I want it to completely go away. But then again, we have nothing in common. I am a little nosey though to see what kind of wedding she has....just because we are very different in some ways and I think it would be interesting to see what she comes up with.

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