Registry Etiquette, cash gift?

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TripleDagger3 Posts : 6 Registered: 4/5/10
Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 10, 2010 10:10 PM

So I am a born and raised california girl, my fiance is a true southern boy (raised in Tennessee).
Since we don't own a home, and we are in our mid-twenties and still living pay check to pay check, I wanted to do a registry online on a site that lets people give you cash gifts for things (house payment, honeymoon fund...etc) However my fiance and his family think its sort of uncouth. I totally understand their perspective, but I have also heard that a lot of young couples do this sort of thing nowadays.
I would love to hear everyone's opinion ESPECIALLY you girls who have gone through this same thing, did any of your guests think it was tacky? or did everyone understand? or have any of you heard stories from anyone you knew who did this?
Thanks!!

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KCI Posts : 150 Registered: 3/30/09
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 10, 2010 11:16 PM Go to message in response to: TripleDagger3

You can't ask for cash. There are plenty of brides out there that would prefer cash over gifts, especially nowadays where many couples cohabitate before marriage. But you can't ask for money. It's a serious etiquette no-no. There are other posts on this topic - search for them.

You don't have to register at all. Some people may be more apt to give money instead of an item if you're not registered. But if someone wants to give you a present you can't tell them "no we'd like cash instead."

I recommend searching the forums for other threads. But no, you can't ask for cash.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 10, 2010 11:34 PM Go to message in response to: TripleDagger3

Dear TG,

"However my fiance and his family think its sort of uncouth."

Listen to them. It's not only "uncouth", but greedy. Please don't do it.

If you really want cash, just don't register anywhere. If anyone asks where you are registered, just say "No where". If they press you for an explanation, just say "We like surprises".

That's it.

People who know you well enough to be invited to your wedding can figure out for themselves that money might be the most welcome gift. Don't get involved in one of those online cash registries.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 11, 2010 8:51 AM Go to message in response to: TripleDagger3

My BIL and his wife did a honeymoon registry. Nobody said anything to them, but most of the family and family friends (at least on his side - I don't know her family or friends) thought it was pretty tacky.

Yes, you see people doing them - but you also see people wearing socks with sandals, and that doesn't make it look good, either!

Like AOTB said, if you want cash, don't register at all. People will get it. That's sort of an unwritten rule - if there's no registry, it's a signal that the couple prefers cash. You can even tell your parents and a couple close friends your preferences - that way, if somebody asks them, they can say, 'Actually, they're not registered anywhere, but I know that they're saving for a insert whatever you want, so I'm just planning to write them a check.' The key rule, here: it is rude to mention gifts at all unless a guest asks you. If they ask, you can answer honestly. If they don't ask, it's rude to mention gift preferences or registries (this includes insert cards in invitations - don't do it!) People have been going to weddings for a long time. They know how to figure out what the couple prefers.

Based on what you've mentioned (I also read your other post about the 20K gift vs the wedding), I would have the backyard wedding and pocket some or all of the 20k. That way, you'll have some money in savings without having to ask guests for cash. Then I'd do a traditional registry. Being young and broke, I'm sure you have things that could use replacing. We used our wedding registry as an excuse to replace the hand-me-downs and cheap stuff we purchased in our early 20s and had been too lazy/cheap to replace ourselves. It was SO nice to throw away the cheap pans with chipping Teflon (ewwww!) and start using the nice stuff!

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 11, 2010 10:32 AM Go to message in response to: TripleDagger3

The closest I've ever seen is a friend of mine who registered on a site like www.myregistry.com. (I don't remember if she actually used this site, I just know that it was something similar). This site allows you to pull items from multiple stores into one cohesive registry. If you click on the sample wedding registry on the site, you'll see that one of the things that you can register for is a honeymoon fund.

She had something similar. On her registry, she included the option to donate to their honeymoon fun, or to buy sheets and towels, or to even donate to the humane society. When presented this way, I didn't think anything of it. Older people might have had an issue, but I think they would have had an issue generally because it was a registry you could only access on-line. (You couldn't physically walk into a store and look at it). I doubt that other young people had any issue with it.

I gave her cash. The honeymoon item on the registry tipped me off that they weren't exactly flush with money (plus the fact that they are both in graduate school) and I didn't really feel like navigating it to figure out what it was that they wanted most. So I just gave them $$.

But a strictly cash registry I would stay away from. First off, a lot of those sites are questionable, business-wide, plus it's a pretty impersonal way to treat your guests. So I wouldn't do it.

__________________________________________

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 11, 2010 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: TripleDagger3

I definitely agree that it is uncouth. Will your guests tell you to your face that it is tacky? Absolutely not, but they will behind your back.

 Lilypie - (8e8A)

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Jnikki Posts : 42 Registered: 11/2/08
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 11, 2010 6:43 PM Go to message in response to: 08divabride

Well I am a lose etiquette girl. In fact, I have a honeymoon registry (which many people on here what frown upon). MY GUESTS ARE LOVING IT!!!! They have been saying "how unique", "I love that", "we want to give on the honeymoon", etc. My mom, fiance, and I have all been getting very positive feedback with regard to the honeymoon registry. The guests can choose different parts of the honeymoon they want to contribute to, my aunt said she feels like she's giving a very personal gift because she contributed to our private candlenight dinner on the beach. She loves the idea that she is giving such a unique gift. Having said that, the funds go to our paypal account, so technically we just get money. However, we agreed to use the money for what people gave it for.

Having said all that, I say etiquette is depending on you and your guests. If you have laid back family and friends, who you know won't be offended or turn their snotty noses up at you than go for it. If not...you probably don't want to offend anyone so I would say no. If your fiance's family is not comfortable with it, then you probably shouldn't do it.

I have my own belief after the last 19 months of wedding planning that etiquette is not one size fits all. It is very depended upon you and your crowd. I personally got damned either way, so I say use your own good judgement

"So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" Matthew 19:6   Jamie and Bryan 5-22-10

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 11, 2010 6:55 PM Go to message in response to: Jnikki

I wouldn't care so much about a honeymoon registry - but I wouldn't want to pay off someone's college loans. Maybe it's a thin line, but I think registering for someone to pay for the education I opted for or the car I bought seems tacky.

 

 

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 11, 2010 7:00 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Also, I think it's the 'illusion' of the HM registry that doesn't bother me as much - in that, if you give money to something on the HM registry it seems more tangible to you. While a lot of people don't know that you don't have to do what someone pays for on you HM registry - I think a couple of people have said that they were just given the cash when they took their HM. (I don't know if that is how it works for all.)

It probably seems weird to most, but I guess that's why a HM registry wouldn't bother me as much as a registry for household bills.

 

 

 

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 11, 2010 8:09 PM Go to message in response to: TripleDagger3

I wanted to do a registry online on a site that lets people give you cash gifts for things

You don't have to do a cash registry to "let" people give you cash for things. Lots of people give cash anyway, even if you register for "stuff." Once you have the cash, you can do whatever you want with it. If you really want cash,spread the word through your parents and wedding party that IF people ask, it's perfectly OK to say that you would prefer cash. IF people DON'T ask, then you don't tell. They'll decide for themselves what to give you.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 12, 2010 8:17 AM Go to message in response to: TripleDagger3

My advice to you is to take the money your dad is nice enough to give to you both and put it as a down payment on a house (from what I read in your other thread). You can take half of the money if you want and put it towards the wedding. Like others have said it's rude to ask for cash. But what you could do is have the word spread that you two only want money. Also don't have a bridal registry, that way people will get the hint that you two only want money.

 

                           
                                          CIMG7482-1.jpg picture by CheetahAngel81

 

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SarahSarah Posts : 93 Registered: 10/9/09
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 14, 2010 2:14 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

I see nothing wrong with wanting cash over gifts. These days, engaged couples live together before getting married, so I actually prefer to give cash as a gift, since the couples have the household things they need already.

My fiance and I live together with two kids, we don't need anything. Sure, new things would be nice, and its obvious that our family will give us gifts. Its traditional to give gifts to a couple being married. But we are not planning on doing a registry, and I am not even expecting a bridal shower, even though my good friend has said she will plan one for me.

I use to think the other way, but when I had to watch an old friend of mine review her registries on a daily basis and bitch about what was not being bought, and told me exactly what to get her (as I was going to be a b-maid at one point). Seeing someone ticked off because nobody had bought her an overpriced bamboo silverware drawer was beyond me!

When my cousin got married, we did a 'garden shower' for her, because when her and her fiance bought a house, they hadn't done anything to the outside yet. We all pitched in for patio furniture, and lots of plants/outdoor stuff.

We are going to buy a bigger house once we are married, personally we would be grateful if our guests gave us cash to use towards that. And I'm sure we will have people who will want to get us the token blender, so I'm not 100% ruling out doing a registry, but only if enough people ask about it.

Everyone has a different opinion. You'll have guests that will complain that you asked for money, and you'll have guests that will complain that you did a registry and think your fishing for gifts.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 14, 2010 5:50 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

Dear Sarah,

"I see nothing wrong with wanting cash over gifts."

No, there's nothing wrong with wanting cash over gifts. What's wrong is registering for cash and telling people proactively that you want cash instead of tangible gifts.

If you feel like you have enough household goods, then don't register anywhere. If anyone asks if you are registered, just say "No where. We like surprises." Period.

Many people will hear you have no registry and will just give you cash out of their own volition. Nothing wrong with that.

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Elbelle77 Posts : 222 Registered: 1/24/08
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 14, 2010 8:14 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

DH and I both had apartments in college, so we already had a lot of the basics (lots of duplicates too actually). Since we didn't really need many of the everyday things, I registered for things i'd love to have (rather than needed) like fine china and stemware, nicer sheets, etc. I ended up getting a lot of items from my registry for my shower, but we received mostly money for our wedding. I think most people nowadays find it easier to just write a check and know that's what the couple could use most anyway. Of course there are some (my grandparents and great aunts/uncles) who still feel it's traditional to bring/send a wrapped gift (and those gifts will mean a lot to you).

To me, it's a little tacky to register for money. I think you're better off registering for things you'd really love to have and know that you will get some money anyways.

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time94am Posts : 42 Registered: 5/16/10
Re: Registry Etiquette, cash gift?
Posted: May 16, 2010 8:25 PM Go to message in response to: TripleDagger3


The suggestion of simply not having a registry is an excellent one.


However, what you seem to want is for people to pay for your wedding or honeymoon. Very uncouth. If you don't have the money for what you want, then you can't afford to do it.

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