I goofed up, what now?

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: I goofed up, what now?
Posted: May 6, 2009 7:51 PM Go to message in response to: DeadMeadow

DeadMeadow, I TOTALLY understand why you sent your invites out that early and don't really see anything wrong with it. I can understand why your FMIL and/or your FSIL would have preferred that you wait but in the grand scheme of things I really don't think this is so terrible. Frankly, I am surprised that so many other posters think this is so strange so I want to both back you up and help people understand why this isn't such a bad idea.

Here is my experience: I had a DW in October and- for a number or reasons- sent out my invitations in February. I couldn't send STD's because I had to know how many people were coming. Yes, I understand that a lot can happen in that length of time but I really think most people have a pretty good idea if they are going to be able to come or not and they can plan accordingly. And, of course, if something happened closer to the time of the wedding (job loss, money problems, can't get off work, whatever) I was totally understanding of it (DH's cousin and aunt had to cancel last minute which was fine). Especially with a DW you need a lot of notice and as my wedding was a small one (intentionally) then I wanted to be able to invite someone else in the place of someone who knew in February that they wouldn't be able to make it in October (sort of a B-list). If I sent out STD's then I wouldn't know how many regrets I would be getting (I could find out from word of mouth on my side but not on DH's) and I might have a bunch of open seats that I could fill with friends (which is exactly how it worked out).

So, while it is unusual it isn't that big of a deal. In DeadMeadow's situation, like I said, I can see where the FMIL might think this is taking attention away from the FSIL's but I think the FMIL is being a little overdramatic saying she was "ruining" the wedding- it hasn't even happened yet! It is a pet peeve of mine when people get worked up over someone stealing a bride's thunder. The thing is, it isn't POSSIBLE to steal a bride's thunder on her wedding day (at least, it would be extremely difficult and whatever was done would make the doer look like a total jerk and take nothing away from the bride) and I think just about anyone who has actually been married already would agree with me.

DeadMeadow, IMO you did nothing wrong. Best of luck for the rest of your planning! :)


June6 Posts : 33 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: I goofed up, what now?
Posted: May 6, 2009 8:47 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I also agree with newsjunkie. I read a ton of stuff related to wedding etiquette and knew that I was supposed to send out the invitations 6-8 weeks in advance according to the "rules". However, I got questions at least several times a week starting in January from people asking when I was going to send invitations out (note: these were close friends and family who already knew they were going to be invited, they weren't being rude by assuming anything). I have family who made plans months in advance (I had told them they were going to be invited) so that they could get cheap seat sales. So in my case, early invitations would have been appreciated (however, because of our busy schedule, we actually didn't end up sending out the invitations until the 6-7 week mark). As well, early invitations allows you to have a "B" list without making it too obvious that those people were on the "B" list.

Additionally, one FH's groomsmen is getting married in October (to which FH is going to be one of his groomsmen). We received their wedding invitation the same week that we sent ours out. I know its a bit different because in our case its not a family member, but for us, it definetly did not "steal our thunder". One question though, has your FSIL already sent her invitations out by the time you did? Because getting their invitation so early did make me feel like I was being too slow and disorganized. But I wouldn't say it was a huge deal at all.

So I would say that it all depends on your circle of friends/relatives, where you live and how many people will be needing to make arrangements to come from out of town.

As for how to deal with the situation. I would suggest trying to humbly explain your reasoning, apolgize for hurting their feelings, and most important of all, understand that she is getting married in a month and is probably pretty emotional. Meaning, while you may think it is not that big of a deal, she might. Therefore, make sure you do not get defensive and act humble. I would suggest that until her wedding is over, act really excited about her wedding and avoid focusing on your wedding plans too much around her (ie. try to put the focus back on her) and hopefully she will get over it.


TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: I goofed up, what now?
Posted: May 7, 2009 12:58 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

if you wanted to let people know to get a rough headcount 5 months in advance, you should have just sent out Save The Dates. That way people know 'Hey! We're getting married! We're planning on inviting you! Here's the date! Formal invite to follow later." That way people knew, but 1) it's not the formal invite so your SIL and MIL wouldn't get worked up over and 2) you don't have to worry about people losing the reply cards and invites with 5 months to go.

We sent our STDs out in like March (we got engaged in January) and the wedding was in September. I made them as magnets too so people could stick them on their fridge or wherever. We had a few people tell us right away that they wouldn't be able to make it for whatever reason, so we had a rough idea already. We sent the actual invites out at the end of July, about 7 weeks before the actual wedding, giving an RSVP deadline of about 3 weeks before the wedding, even though we still got a few in about 2 weeks before.

Like someone had said earlier, if you had gone online and looked up wedding stuff or bought a book for help, you would have learned that you should have sent Save The Dates out 5 months in advance and NOT the actual invitation.

Get a wedding planning book - they have a lot of useful info in there.
I got this one by The Knot editor lady, and as much as I hate their
message boards, the book itself was actually pretty helpful. I got that
one and the companion planner checklist book for like $30 together at

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PrincessAurora Posts : 89 Registered: 11/16/07
Re: I goofed up, what now?
Posted: May 7, 2009 1:48 AM Go to message in response to: DeadMeadow

what now?
I agree with everyone who said you need to know your timeline from now on.
your first step is to go to your local bookstore (borders, barnes and noble, whatever). there you will find a wedding section. The books in this section will have timelines and everything you need to know, so if you don't want to research through google you can just flip open your book and say "where am I on the timeline?" and check things off as you go. They also have budget planners and a place to record what vendors your using and their costs.
I have this one:

In the section you will even find unique ones that might fit you (and your wedding) better
They make them targeted for grooms as well, so your hubby can be in the know.

How about when you pick one up (in the store or on amazon) you buy one for your FSIL as well and say "Suzy Q I am so sorry I was unaware of when to send out invites. I bought this book to keep myself on track so I don't steal your thunder again, and I bought one for you as well because I thought they might be fun to fill out together :) "

So close to reaching that famous happy end...


BBGF Posts : 66 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: Controlling MIL's
Posted: May 7, 2009 2:23 AM Go to message in response to: DeadMeadow

This is exactly why there are event and wedding planners to help people who do not know what they are doing. We give you advice that can save you a lot of anguish and heartache.We also help those brides and grooms who are to busy or just need an outside opinion in planning. We become your right hand guy or girl. Do yourself a favor contact one near you. Though you were trying to get a fix on what the wedding would cost you and also giving your guest a heads up as to your up and coming wedding, its still to early for invitations. Most people will now forget about where they have placed them as well as your RSVP date. Also though your intentions was not to steal your soon to be sister inlaw's spotlight you really are jumping the gun. GET A PLANNER.

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We2Heart Posts : 452 Registered: 10/11/07
Re: I goofed up, what now?
Posted: May 7, 2009 8:48 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Newsie I can see why you're backing up the OP here since you had a similar situation with your invites. But the difference as far as I can see is you had a DW, the OP has not indicated anything about a DW. For a DW, there are so many extra factors that go into planning, especially if you as the hosts are paying for portions of your guests expenses. And even more so if it's out of the country. You would need to arrange for that to be taken care of as soon as you can. If the OP comes back and says she is having a DW then I'll retract my previous statement. I would see no problem in her sending invitations out 5 months early in that case. But as far as a hometown wedding I would disagree.

For our friends' DW (Bahamas) we recieved the invitation 6 months in advance. But they were paying for the resort rooms for all of their guests and needed to know how many rooms they needed to book. They needed to know also to make arrangements for flights (they had a planner book everyones flights so we would all arrive in groups together). I had no problem with this at all.

On the other hand, for my cousins wedding in June we recieved the invitation in Feburary. The RSVP needed to be in by April. We're going regardless (DH is a GM) but honestly when my FCIL told me she was having everyone RSVP by April I was kind of shocked. I thought that was way too early. I mean I get that they'd want to know who's coming so they can make arrangements for all of them, but if it wasn't my cousin and I wasn't helping them with stuff, I would honestly forget when their wedding was.

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DeadMeadow Posts : 4 Registered: 5/6/09
Re: I goofed up, what now?
Posted: May 7, 2009 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: We2Heart

So I called my FML and it wasnt great but everything got worked out by the end of it all. There was way more to things than just some invitations and none of it had to do with me but it was the icing on the cake so to speak. We both had a good cry and ran up our phone bills a bit but were back to being friends again. I also talked to my FSIL and she had no idea what was going on with her mom!!! She was not even upset about the invitations and could not understand what her mom's problem was! It's got to be hard marring off both your kids in the same year. All is calm now and I am going to take the advice and just hold off for a while untill my FSIL's wedding is over. I was trying not to be a burden on my FMIL with things because of the other wedding, that was a bad idea, but now we both know better and the communications line are in service :)

I am also going to go by the bookstore today and get a wedding planning book and take this time to read up on everything, NOT a wedding planner..... perhaps people did not read the bit about limited monies.


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: I goofed up, what now?
Posted: May 7, 2009 11:13 AM Go to message in response to: DeadMeadow

DeadMeadow - So happy you were able to talk to FMIL and FSIL both about everything and get it straightened out with FMIL and on the same page with both FMIL and FSIL.

I know the 'last straw' syndrome, I've been guilty of it. You deal and deal and deal and then wham one more thing happens that you lose it on - when it's not a huge big deal.

Wedding planning book sounds great. Also, seriously - this forum is a great place for ideas and planning.

Try searching the forums if you have a question or post a new thread.

Good luck!





His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: I goofed up, what now?
Posted: May 7, 2009 11:41 AM Go to message in response to: DeadMeadow

I'm glad everything worked out for you! Happy planning!


BBGF Posts : 66 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: I goofed up, what now?
Posted: May 8, 2009 6:45 AM Go to message in response to: DeadMeadow

I am glad that things are working out for you. Here are some suggestions for when you do plan wedding esp. in these hard economic times for all. I know that you already have your date but if or any of the other brides out there have your wedding during a month or time when a facility is not usually used then they (the reception facility) are nine times out of happy to give you huge discounts because they are anxious to book up. The wedding that we did after Xmas, the couple paid $620 for over 500 pictures, $3000.00 for food at a well known hotel Grand Ball room, $300.00 for the DJ, $350 for the limo for 3 hrs, $350.00 for the cake, $500 for the ice sculpture, close to $900.00 for the flowers and my cost for services rendered as a Planner to the Bride and Groom was free because of certain circumstances that surrounded the wedding. because of certain contact we were able to get them $3000.00 under their budget. They loved their wedding, their guest of 120 had a blast. They even had enough to go to Orlando Florida for one week and bring money home. The one thing that I told them to do was remember life goes on after the I DO, SO LET THE FIRST THING THAT YOU DO IS SET A BUDGET AND STICK TO IT. You can have everything you want and more as long as you shop around for it and make contacts for yourself. With the flowers a new trend is to have your girls use their flowers for the head tables. This cuts down on a huge portion of funds. when looking for a photographer look for one that will be with you the whole day and that has a package deal that will allow you to print up your own pictures with a copy right paper. As far as Full Event Planners or Same Day Event Planners not all of us are out for the money, so prices will very. Some people charge 10 to 15% of the entire wedding, some hourly and some do package deals. Most will give you discounts because of these economic times however you do your wedding get what you really want and need and enjoy yourself. As you already found out planning a wedding can and will be stressful at times. Holdfast stay the course and your hard work will pay off.

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MRSNICHOLS Posts : 24 Registered: 9/5/08
Re: I goofed up, what now?
Posted: May 11, 2009 12:23 PM Go to message in response to: DeadMeadow

i guess my situation is 'sorta' similar. My FH and i got engaged last August and are planning to get married THIS August. I read all the bridal mags and books and "proper" ediquette for sending invitations is 2-3 months before the wedding. Now i understand your situation is a little different with your budget issues, but a few months ago my FMIL recieved an invitation to her neice's wedding the DAY AFTER ours! It sent the WHOLE family into an uproar and I was FORCED to send out our invitations early because his family was mad that they hadn't recieved ours. I felt that that was very underhanded and rude of her to send our her invites so early(like she was trying to compete, thats a whole different issue).
what you need to do, its explain to your FSIL what you were doing. Weddings can bring out the worst in everyone, and reguardless of how open that family is there probably is a slight under current of competition. I don't think you did anything wrong, i just think there was a lack of communication on both sides. Just like if my future cousin(???) would have informed us that they were sending them so early we could have avoided all the shock and drama that came along with it.

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rkultti Posts : 1 Registered: 5/8/10
Re: Controlling MIL's
Posted: May 8, 2010 4:31 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

i dont see what the big deal is. so what if u sent yours out before her. his parents should be happy for both of their kids and she should suck it up. your not ruining anything your just not procrastinating. im on your side, thats really wrong that they said your ruining her wedding. if that were me i would just get married without them there but im stubborn. lol. if his sister has been engaged for 2 years his family needs to get over it and her thunder is up and now its there sons. its not your fault shes waiting so long.


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Controlling MIL's
Posted: May 8, 2010 7:29 PM Go to message in response to: rkultti

Dear RK,

The original message was a year ago. The wedding took place last year.


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