I need advice on etiquette stuff....

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christinagsu Posts : 50 Registered: 11/18/08
I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 3, 2010 5:07 PM

I would like to have a little small ceremony with close family (ie 12 ppl) and then go to a funky little restaurant that I like to have an after ceremony celebration. I don't have any money, hence the reason I am hoping to do it this way. Is there any appropriate way to invite people to the restaurant but not be required to pick up the tab? I also don't know how comfortable I would feel going there in a bridal gown bc of the style of the place. It's more like a lounge at night. So how should I handle that one? Should I just change? Should I just go to the courthouse and then call up my close family and say hey...let's go celebrate and I know just the place? Let me know your thoughts.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 3, 2010 5:51 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Dear Christina,

". Is there any appropriate way to invite people to the restaurant but not be required to pick up the tab?"

No.

" I also don't know how comfortable I would feel going there in a bridal gown bc of the style of the place."

You don't have to wear your bridal gown to the post-ceremony party. You can change to something else, if you like.

" Should I just go to the courthouse and then call up my close family and say hey...let's go celebrate and I know just the place?"

You can do that, if you like, but you still don't get to require your guests to pay for your party in honor of you.

If you really cannot afford even a small cake and punch party for those 12 people, then I strongly suggest you just go and get married and skip the post-ceremony party entirely.

Later, when you have more money saved up, have a nice anniversary party and host it properly.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 4, 2010 8:30 AM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

AOTB is totally right. You'd be better off taking that group of 12 to a pizza place and picking up the tab yourself. It's very rude to invite people out for a celebration and not pick up the tab.

That said, you can still invite them to the ceremony, whether it's at the courthouse or somewhere else. And if those 12 people decided amongst themselves that it would be nice to go out to dinner afterwards, it would be fine to expect them to pay their own way, that's fine. But the only way that's acceptable is if they decide to do it on their own. There's no polite way to say, 'Let's go out to dinner to celebrate my wedding...oh yeah, but you have to pay for yourselves.'

When is the wedding going to be? Surely you can save enough money to take 12 people out to dinner - you're not talking about saving tens of thousands, you're talking about a few hundred bucks. I would look at your household budget, figure out how long it will take you to save the money you need, and then plan the date of the wedding accordingly. If I was hosting such a dinner, I would ask for the check after dessert and coffee is served, perhaps picking up one more round of drinks. After that, if guests want to continue hanging out and drinking, I would leave it up to them. Hosting a dinner is one thing - paying for a bunch of people to get wasted is another, and not necessary. Most likely, they'll be buying your drinks. If you can't possibly save enough money to pick up the tab for dinner at the place you've suggested, then find an alternative (less expensive) venue or skip it entirely.

As for the dress, wear whatever you're comfortable wearing. If you want to stay in it, go for it. You'll get applause from everyone in the room when you walk in, and you'll probably make new friends because everyone likes to congratulate a bride. If you're uncomfortable with that, then change. After our reception, a bunch of our guests were headed over to the hotel bar to hang out a little longer. I wore my wedding dress and wasn't uncomfortable at all. Sure, people noticed me, clapped when we walked in, random strangers congratulated us, and I got free drinks. It was fun.


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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 4, 2010 2:53 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

The others are right--you would have to pick up the tab if you invite them. You really don't have enough money to buy dinner for a few people once in your lifetime?? How about skipping the wedding dress and wearing something simpler ($100 tops)? How about changing the restaurant to something you can afford? How about setting the menu with the restaurant beforehand, so you control the charges? Surely, there are ways that you can spring for dinner and still pay your rent.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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christinagsu Posts : 50 Registered: 11/18/08
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 5, 2010 9:03 AM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Thanks to all. Good thoughts. I have another question....If I am doing a ceremony with just my parents, grandparents and his. Should I do corsages and boutenneires? I want to carry a bridal bouquet, so I don't want to leave them out....but I thought the whole point of flowers for them is to make them stand out from the crowd and to make them feel special...if they are the only ones there then there is no crowd to stand out from and they already feel special....so do I provide them flowers or not? Oh, and what about the pastor for that matter?

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 5, 2010 10:20 AM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Dear Christina,

"....If I am doing a ceremony with just my parents, grandparents and his. Should I do corsages and boutenneires? "

Not necessarily. It's a small wedding, you are short on cash, so I would skip the flowers for the others. Corsages and bouts are optional, anyway.

If you really want to, then go ahead. Personally, I just skip it, unless there is one particular person who really wants a corsage.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 5, 2010 2:09 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Um, you're worried about providing food, but now you're asking about flowers? Aunt is correct, of course, flowers are optional (and certainly not necessary to provide for the pastor!) If you wish to use flowers as a "thank you" for their being special to you, then, great. But, it seems to me that you need to get your priorities straight. In this case, ceremony first--license, pastor's fee, etc. Next, feed your guests. Next, your dress, flowers, etc. and FH's clothes. Finally, if you can afford it, anything else (e.g. flowers, alcohol, hair, makeup, manicures, honeymoon, whatever). All of this contingent upon being able to pay your basic living expenses first.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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christinagsu Posts : 50 Registered: 11/18/08
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 5, 2010 3:57 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Myra and Aunt, I appreciate your thoughts, however, you shouldn't tell me what my priorities are (referring to Myra) as you don't know my situation. I have had a $2000 given to me...therefore, I don't have to pay for that. My mother OWNS a flowershop...I don't have to pay for any decorations or flowers I choose to use. I asked specific questions and appreciate the answers in regards to those questions...I did not say anything about the other stuff. And the reason I was asking about the flowers is because I have chosen my location based on the fact that everyone said I shouldn't do it the way I wanted to in the first question. I have chosen a formal facility and therefore...that led to my next question. Thank you again for your thoughts.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 5, 2010 4:56 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Dear Christiana,

WTF?

You said you had a beautiful gown already. Great, I said, wear that.

You said you wanted to ask your guests to pay for their own dinners. No, I said, that's wrong.

You said you might want to change out of your wedding gown for the reception. I said great.

You asked about flowers. I told you they were optional.

THEN you say your mother owns a flower shop.

Oh, great, now you tell us. If your mother owns a flower shop, here's a really obvious question. Why are you asking us? Wouldn't your mother know what to do about the bouts and corsages?

I agree exactly with Myra. If you already have a gown, great. After that, you have to set your priorities. The essentials of the wedding come first: license, officiant's fee. Then you have to be hospitable to your guests. Next comes the rest, which would include flowers, clothing, etc.

The flowers are not "free". Your mother has to pay something for them, from the wholesaler. You are getting a substantial discount, but they are not free.

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christinagsu Posts : 50 Registered: 11/18/08
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 5, 2010 7:47 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt~My comments were moreso directed to Myra as I don't feel someone should tell me what MY priorities are because everyone has different priorities. I appreciate your responses to assit me. I didn't feel that my situation with my dress and my mother were relevant. And somebody at one point paid for my dress also, however, I did not. My mother might have to pay a wholesaler, however, I do not. These things were not in consideration in my mind. thank you again for your input.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 5, 2010 8:14 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Oh, soreee--
So, let me get this straight. You got a free dress. You're getting free/wholesale flowers. You got $2000. You chose a "formal" facility. You're inviting a total of twelve people. But you have "no money" and you're asking about whether you have to feed your guests? I'm totally confused. By the way, if you don't want honest responses, don't come here and ask questions, especially when you don't give accurate information.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 5, 2010 9:08 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Dear Christina,

". I didn't feel that my situation with my dress and my mother were relevant."

The part about your mother owning a florist shop was certainly relevant when you were asking about flowers.

The original message, where you proposed asking guests to pay their own way, really started things off on a sour note. It's hard to imagine spending money on anything else, besides the license and the officiant's fee, if you cannot even afford to pay for a slice of cake and a cup of punch for each guest.

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TheeBride Posts : 130 Registered: 1/17/10
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 6, 2010 10:55 AM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

Is the $2000 gone? For instance did you use it for the dress, marriage license, etc.? If not, since you already have your dress and flowers handled (which of course you should do flowers since your mother owns the shop and it's available to you at no expense) I say splurge a little for a small cake...maybe a cupcake cake (which you probably could make yourself if you're really tight on money) or have your local grocery store make one (you'd be surprised how nice they can make them) and contact the lounge to see if they can do some appetizers for you (they might be able to work with you on the price of them since you'll have X amount of people). OR just go to the lounge with the people from your ceremony that night (wear whatever you want, I vote the wedding dress because why the heck not? who cares if people look...let 'em! hehe) and invite everyone to your house (or whoever's house you can do something like this at, parent/friend) for a big cookout the next day. Surely you can get a bunch of burgers or chicken, chips, a few sides and soda. Whatcha think?


"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in
my heart. I am never without it, anywhere
I go you go, my dear..."

E.E. Cummings

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christinagsu Posts : 50 Registered: 11/18/08
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 6, 2010 1:03 PM Go to message in response to: TheeBride

TheeBride - Just read your post more thouroughly....I like the cupcake idea....but not for my wedding cake. I love to bake...can I do homemade cupcakes wrapped in like some sort of cute plastic for my favors? Is that appropriate?

Oh, and just so you guys know...I don't have literally $0...I am just hoping to limit and not have a $20,000 wedding.

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TheeBride Posts : 130 Registered: 1/17/10
Re: I need advice on etiquette stuff....
Posted: May 6, 2010 1:21 PM Go to message in response to: christinagsu

I sort of feel the same way about the wedding cake vs cupcakes but cupcakes would definitely cost less, though I'm sure there's some expensive ones out there. My friend is doing a cupcake wedding cake, it's really cute...simple and tasteful. I think she said her colors are watermelon and rose from Davids Bridal and she's alternating colors as well as alternating with vanilla and chocolate cake. I saw her inspirations pictures so I'm sure it's going to be beautiful. Anyhow, I like the cupcake favor idea but how would you get the icing and platic not to stick? Maybe you could use the little favor boxes, cake boxes actually.

Is the place you're trying to go to big enough to have a "reception" there? You should talk to them, they may not be as expensive as you think. Plus they probably have lots of different options...appetizers/finger foods only, buffet, seated lunch/dinner and I've seen some places that do desserts only. If you did that though you'd just need to make sure the guests knew they weren't being "fed", you know? Hmmm, you need to set a budget :o)

"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in
my heart. I am never without it, anywhere
I go you go, my dear..."

E.E. Cummings

Daisypath Wedding tickers
  

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