Mother-In-Law Problems

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nurseinluv Posts : 6 Registered: 4/25/10
Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 25, 2010 7:06 PM

Hello Everyone!

I became engaged less than 2 weeks ago. I am so happy, and my FH is an amazing man who has always loved my flaws. He chose a beautiful ring, a beautiful location to propose, and an amazing speech.

The problem I am encountering already is his mother. Her son and I have been together for 3 years, suffered a miscarriage, and survived high school and most of my college as friends and then a couple. BUT she has made it clear that she is not interested, nor happy to hear news of an engagement. I understand that we are young, but I was expecting a little happiness.

I guess my question is how can I include her in the wedding planning (bc my FH wants her involved) if we cannot even have a civil conversation anymore without the words "whore, bitch, and blood sucker" being used?

I love my husband-to-be but I'm not sure if we can have an actual wedding when refuses to even speak my name.

HELP!!!!

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BlueBoxBlueShoes Posts : 49 Registered: 2/15/10
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 25, 2010 7:47 PM Go to message in response to: nurseinluv

If your FH wants her involved in your wedding, then HE needs to man up and make sure his mother doesn't call you bitch or whore. That is completely inappropriate and HE needs be just as upset by it as you are.

Now, may I ask... how young are y'all? You wrote that you were friends-only through most of your college, so are you at least 22 or 23? If you are really too young to marry it may be best to set a date far enough that allows for you guys to be living and working as real adults before deciding to tie the knot. My guy and I think even we're on the younger side. You want to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into and if you've both held full-time jobs (no school, unless like medical school or a PhD program that takes like 10 years) and know exactly what kind of lifestyle you can both afford then game on. If you're both just starting out, there's NO possible way for you to know whether or not you'll be able to afford a house, kids... And that kind of stuff DOES lead to resentment and divorce later on.

Good luck!

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nurseinluv Posts : 6 Registered: 4/25/10
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 25, 2010 9:01 PM Go to message in response to: BlueBoxBlueShoes

We are young. I am 23, and he just turned 23. We both have full time jobs. I graduate in May, and him the May after. We were friends from age 16 to current, but we only started dating at 19.

We both have our separate apartments, and have fully been independent for 1.5 years. We know that our last year(s) of school will be difficult, but that is also why we decided not to get married until after we graduate. Kids are difficult, but we have already lost a child; once again, we are waiting until the wedding to try.

He usually sits aside while his mother berates me. And there will be no "manning-up" in this situation, he can't stand up to her bc when he does, here comes the guilt trip.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 25, 2010 9:35 PM Go to message in response to: nurseinluv

He usually sits aside while his mother berates me. And there will be no "manning-up" in this situation, he can't stand up to her bc when he does, here comes the guilt trip.

If this is the case, then oh baby, are you in for trouble!! What do you mean, he can't? Of course, he can, he just chooses not to, because he's immature and scared. Any "man" who allows his future wife to be called these kinds of names by his mother is not a man at all and not ready to be anyone's husband. If you decide to stay in this relationship, I sincerely urge you two to get some pre-marital counseling and to discuss this issue with an experienced third person.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 26, 2010 12:54 AM Go to message in response to: myras

Sorry to tell you this, but your "man" sounds more like a little boy to me. Of COURSE he can stand up to his mother, he just chooses not to. He actually sits there and says nothing while she calls you a whore??? Are you kidding me? Thats pretty disgusting of her, and spineless of him. What kind of future husband will this guy make if he wont stand by your side now? Sure, she is his mother, but you will be his wife! You are family now, and he needs to start acting like it. I see this as a huge red flag that he is allowing this behavior to go on and leting you receive this horrible treatment from his mother. Thats unacceptable. Who cares about the wedding planning? What about the rest of your life? Think about THAT before you marry this guy.

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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 26, 2010 3:25 AM Go to message in response to: nurseinluv

if he "can't" stand up to his mother and you actually do marry him, just get ready for a life of family strife. respect is such an important thing to have in a marriage. do you think the respect for your soon to be DH will fade when you see over and over he doesn't stick up for his woman? I would seriously consider this before you say "i do".

Good luck.

 

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BlueBoxBlueShoes Posts : 49 Registered: 2/15/10
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 27, 2010 12:57 AM Go to message in response to: jojolina

I think we're all in agreement that your guy needs to man up before you officially say, "I do." If he won't stick up for you now, he will not ever stick up for you. And you deserve someone that loves you and always has your back, always.

My guy always has my back. And if I caught anyone saying hurtful things to him, I would probably make RHNJ Teresa flippin' tables look tame.

But I also would like to bring up another point: why are you in such a rush to have kids at 23? Can you realistically afford to have a baby on an entry level salary? Kids are EXPENSIVE... I think the statistic is $200k from when they are born to when they turn 18. So that doesn't even include a private university if they get into one or helping them with grad school/future wedding. Also, most people are waiting to have children around age 30 so if that holds true in your area, you may not fit in with the other moms. I know that sounds stupid, but seriously if the other moms don't like you then their kids won't be inviting your kid to play/parties. And people that wait until their 30s to start having kids usually have more income by the time the kids hit the rough years like middle school and high school when what you have defines you. Once you have a baby, there's no going back so please consider if you can afford to have a baby together or if you could support yourself and your baby if things headed south with your FI.

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BWFrancie Posts : 70 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 27, 2010 8:29 AM Go to message in response to: nurseinluv

Oh girlfriend, you have a major problem... and it's not with your FMIL! If anyone, and I mean anyone, called me such horrible names my DH would make sure they never did it again. Your problem is with your fiance, not your FMIL. I mean, yeah, she is not a nice person and you really are going to have your work cut out for you. But if your fiance doesn't get onboard and stand up to his "mommy" then this relationship is doomed. And I would not include her in one single aspect of the wedding planning if she were treating me that way. Period. I don't think she deserves such an honor.

Remember, we teach people how to treat us. Teach your FMIL that her behavior is going to get her nowhere. Good luck.

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nurseinluv Posts : 6 Registered: 4/25/10
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 27, 2010 9:30 AM Go to message in response to: BWFrancie

Thank you all for your comments.

It is different to think that he will not stand up to her. The wedding will not be for a few years and I'm worried that it may be put off longer because he is not mature.

We are NOT in a hurry to have children. We got pregnant before and lost the baby. It was tragic and I am no where near ready to attempt. It will be after marriage before a child will be in thought.

How do I talk to him about his mom? I tried to talk to her yesterday, to explain that we love each other and we were each other's firsts. (I know not all parents need to hear that! but I thought it would bring my point across faster) She decided to ask me to leave and told me that no matter what I do I could not change her view of me.

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agd1017 Posts : 464 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 27, 2010 12:50 PM Go to message in response to: nurseinluv

Wow, what a difficult situation. I have to agree with the others. Your FH will absolutely HAVE to stand up to his mom, and stand up for you, before you two can have a successful relationship/marriage. His mother is obviously important to him, and you need to be as well. The three of you need to have some sort of harmony, and it's plainly obvious that isn't happening. A counselor may be needed in this situation, to help everybody resolve their issues.

Did your FMIL tell you WHY she doesn't like you? Besides just that you are too young? If there are things in particular she doesn't like, it might at least help you figure out if you are ever going to be in her good graces again.

What a tough situation. :(

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Amanda and Eric

 

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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 27, 2010 12:57 PM Go to message in response to: nurseinluv

You say, "DF, It hurts me when your mother calls me names. It hurts me more when you don't stand up for me. In a relationship and marriage, the two people have to have each other's backs, even with family. If ANYONE was hurtful to you I would be there for you. When you let your mother abuse me, it makes me feel like I'm not very valuable to you. I also think that a man should protect his woman. I don't feel very protected by you."

 

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 27, 2010 1:41 PM Go to message in response to: nurseinluv

Thank you for your mature response to these tough comments. Now, to your questions:

"It is different to think that he will not stand up to her. The wedding will not be for a few years and I'm worried that it may be put off longer because he is not mature."

Meaning, you had not seen it that way before? Good, that's why we're here. How long is a "few years"? And, if that's the case, why the rush to be engaged? If you're both in school, relax, finish your educations, earn some money. If he's "not mature," then you have to decide whether he just needs a little time or whether he'll always be childish and a Mama's boy. If you decide that he's going to have a difficult time growing up, then why the rush to engagement? Give it some time. And, of course, use birth control!


How do I talk to him about his mom?
Um, this is the guy you're going to marry--and you can't talk to him? Interesting, you had no problem clarifying the situation to a bunch of strangers on a website. A PP has given you a script, if you need one, but really, if you two can't discuss a major issue, then what will your marriage be like?

I tried to talk to her yesterday---
YOU are not the one who has to talk to her. He does. I would suggest that you stay away from her. And, since the wedding will not take place for "a few years," there is no need to deal with her level of involvement at this time. Could your unplanned pregnancy at such an early age have anything to do with her feelings? Could her worry about his finishing his education before being tied down with marriage and family? Are there other reasons that you can think of? Or, is it just the stainless steel umbilical cord that binds this boy to his Mommy? And, why can't you ask your FH why she dislikes you so much, if you don't already know?

Good communication is the essence of a good marriage. I suggest that you work on that before walking down the aisle.


myra@classysassyweddings.com

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 27, 2010 2:50 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Excellent post Myra, very well-said! I was going to say the same thing, but not nearly as good as Myra! LOL

 Lilypie - (8e8A)

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 27, 2010 3:05 PM Go to message in response to: nurseinluv

Yes, I do agree that your FH needs to grow a pair and talk to his dear Mommy.

However, I am going to disagree on one point with Myra and say that I do support the idea of you talking to her aswell.

Don't bombard her, do it separately and on your own time.

I had a similar issue at the beginning of my relationship with my FMIL. At the time my boyfriend was kind of neutral and basically just told his parents 'I love her--and that's that' but he never really said 'you can't talk about my girlfriend like that.'

I purposefully put myself into a situation where I would be alone with FMIL and I brought it up. We ended up having a discussion about it over me helping her prep for a Thanksgiving dinner. Some parts of the conversation were hurtful and brutal, but in the end I think we had a better understanding of each other. I respected her more afterwards and she realized she made some quick judgements on me without properly getting to know me. She admitted that although she doesn't think that her son and I are 'right' for each other--that we obviously love each other very much and that while in her opinion he has changed in some ways she doesn't like, he has also changed for the better in other ways.

Are we best friends now? No. But I think we genuinely like each other and have a better understanding of each other now. I respect her more and she respects the relationship between her son and I more now.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Mother-In-Law Problems
Posted: Apr 27, 2010 3:18 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

When you were having your problems, did she ever call you whore, bitch, or blood-sucker? If so, did your FH stand up for you? Many brides and FMIL's do not see eye to eye. But this FMIL seems to be a bit overboard.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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