Dear Jane,

It's rude.

It's rude to direct anyone to give you a particular item, and this is especially true with wedding guests.

(Sure, within an intimate family circle, broad hints can be acceptable. I'm assuming the wedding guests are outside that intimate family circle.)

Here is what I suggest. Recognize that the wedding guests are smart people. Once they know the situation of an overseas assignment, they can figure out for themselves that giant fluffy pillows might not be a great idea.

Let everyone know, through The Grapevine, that they are stationed in Japan. They have little space there, and transporting household items back from Japan will be problematic. Then, let the wedding guests draw their own conclusions.

"Hi, Jane, I got your sister's wedding invitation. I'm wondering what they might like for a wedding present."

"To tell you the truth, transporting household items to and from Japan is a real hassle. With that in mind, a lot of our family are just giving them cash."


"Hi, Jane, do you know where Marge and Homer will live after the wedding? Aren't they both in the Air Force right now?"

"Yes, you are right, they are in the Air Force in Japan now, and will be stationed there for at least two years after the wedding. For that reason, I will be giving them a cash gift. The logistics of getting stuff to Japan and back to the US are really difficult."

If I were a wedding guest, I might consider giving them cash or, if I had my heart set on some tangible gift, I might offer to store the item in my house until they return from Japan. If I had space, I might offer to store any other wedding gifts they might receive in my house, as well, as a favor to friends.

Dear Jane

" Since you said it is rude to ask for any gift directly, does that mean she shouldn't create a wedding registry with specific items marked on it?"

Any engaged couple can certainly set up a wedding registry, with particular items. No problem with that.

The trick is you cannot TELL people proactively that you prefer this or that gift, or that you are registered here or there.

Don't ask, don't tell! People in the military should understand that one!!!

If someone asks about the registry, then certainly you or anyone can answer their qeustion, just as you can mention that they are in the service and would find household goods as gifts to be a problem.

Lots of people put registry inserts into their invitations. Why? Because the retail stores love having free advertising. Many people, including myself, find that to be sub-par. You're telling me about your gift registry without my having asked.

I might have an entirely different gift in mind, and I might be annoyed to have a gift registry shoved in my face.

"I'm glad I am not having to deal with this yet, I've never realized how much actually goes into a wedding. "

There are all kinds of land mines out there. (Another military analogy.)

The problem is that a wedding is just about the only time in an ordinary person's life when it's appropriate to receive gifts from people you barely know.

Think: on your birthday, you usually get gifts from only your closest friends, your boyfriend and your parents and sibs. Great. Those are the same poeple you give gifts on their birthday. You all know each other very well, and within the dynamics of an intimate family circle or that of close friends, you can drop hints, leave catalogs open on the breakfast table with !!!! next to certain items.

On your birthday, however, you don't normally receive gifts from your next door neighbor, your dad's boss or your second cousin. If you invite these people to your wedding, you most likely will receive gifts from them. Thus, you have to be very careful about how you "direct" gift-giving to yourself from these people you don't know all that well.

In other words, you learn and follow Etiquette.

Good luck.

Eloping isn't really that bad an idea.

dear PTG,

"I would love AOTB's opinion on this as well, but in my opinion, if the couple is not registered any where, then I might even get the hint that much more that 'objects', even household one's might present a problem. "

It's totally OK not to register. Registries were originally invented so the couple could get a complete set of expensive china or silver. They've morphed into the price gun monster we have now, where even toilet brushes are "directed" gifts.

If a couple has not registered, I would assume one of two things. First, obviously, they want people to get the idea they want cash. The second assumption would be they like to be surprised.

So, if I hear that the HC has not registered, I would take a few moments to think about what that might mean.

Young, broke, struggling couple who can barely make the rent payment every month? Cash.

40-something widow marrying a widower combining two complete households? They don't want to clutter up their house even more. I would get them something consumable. Depending on their tastes, I might get them a cheese-of-the-month subscription or something like that. Have flowers delivered each month on the calendar number day of their wedding.

In the OP's case, two people in the military stationed overseas? No registry? I'd give cash or if I gave a tangible gift for some reason, I would offer to store the gift in my house until they returned to the US. If I'm close to the couple, I might offer to store any other tangible gifts they might receive, just as a nice favor.

Thank you all for the advice. I have directed my cousin to this site, so I expect she'll be around sometime, so I don't have to be the go-between - especially since all our contact is via e-mail. Hehe. From what I've told her, she sounds to agree with all of you. She sounded relieved that she didn't have to make a registry full of stuff she doesn't need. She's really appreciative of all the help and advice, but I bet she'll come around and tell ya'll herself.

I, personally, feel like I've had a big "duh!" sign, stamped to my forehead. I can't believe I missed that obvious statement about registries. I always assumed you just had one. It is true though, a friend who recently got married had all sorts of trivial items on her registry. It is a "Let's go crazy with a price gun!" thing. (not always, I am sure.)

Wow, but really, I don't find it that hard to believe. Stores will do anything for free advertisement. I mean, look at those young girls wearing Abercrombie and Holister and American Eagle shirts which just have the store's name on it. Seriously, big bold letters spelling out "HOLISTER" and I am sure they pay an arm and leg so that the store can advertise.

It is decided, when I get married (not in the plans right now, though I am in a serious relationship), I will not have a registry unless I want the same set of cooking pots, silverware, or of the such. As AOTB stated, it was originally for that purpose, right? If I don't elope that is. Hehe.

About 9 months ago I was dead set on getting engaged around the time I graduate. Now however, I am graduating college and am thinking... what's the rush? My boyfriend and I are both on the same page too, which is great, but I don't see it happening in the near future. I want to get acclimated to work before I agree to something so big. (Just a little snippet about myself =D)

AOTB,

I guess it doesn't hurt to start gathering information now, and I am already learning a ton through first-hand experience helping those around me plan for their weddings. And by plan, I mean, "Ohh, green and brown would look lovely together." or "Those BM dresses are a little too short, perhaps something longer would look better?" But I do see how stressed they get, and it is my goal to avoid it. Also, since this is an etiquette forum, do you think it would be bad if I asked to use hand-me-down decorations whenever I get married? Not sure I'll even have the option to borrow things, but it just hit me as a way to save money. How did I save money going back to school shopping? Raided my sister's closet and took anything she didn't want or couldn't wear anymore.

I'm not at the point where I've started buying Bridal magazines, but when I feel like I am getting closer to being ready I probably will. If I hadn't been told (by ladies on these forums actually) to relax and let things happen at a natural progression, I probably would have already purchased an entire magazine stand. I can sometimes get a bit obsessive.

However, like I said, not gonna happen any time soon. I'm 22, 23 this year, and am just now getting to the point where I can stand on my own two feet. I don't need the pressure of planning a wedding (because I am sure even the least stressful weddings put pressure on the bride) nor do I think I am ready for a husband. When I talk to my girl friends about this they always seem to misinterpret and think I am not certain about the man I am with. That is not the case though. I just have seen what marriage can do to younger couples - believe it or not it puts way more strain on a relationship than just being boyfriend or girlfriend. I can definitely see myself married to my boyfriend, and certainly want to be... one day, just not yet.

Does that make sense? I mean, I am surrounded by women around my age and they are all pinning to get married. Are girls suppose to want to be married by now? Maybe I am just behind the curve, because like I said, several months ago - while the reality of it all was more an illusion than anything - I was thinking I would get engaged/married around this time, but now that it is here, I don't feel as ready as I thought I'd be. Does me not being ready reflect negatively on my relationship?

I've had many a conversation about this with friends and family, and I hold my ground. When we are ready we'll get married and not a day sooner. Can't people (and by people I mean those around me) just accept that a young couple wants to be more than college sweethearts before they get hitched? Granted, my guy has been in the real world, making his money, paying mortgages - but I haven't. Is there something so wrong with wanting to be able to support myself too? My boyfriend and I agree on the matter, but I can't seem to express myself to those around me that I care about. "You're great together, just get married. You already know you're compatible!" Yeah, I know that. Right now, the me that is a college student is compatible with him, a college grad who is now working. And as cynical as it might sound, I don't want to get married and then find out a year later that working + relationship + life in general has made us not-compatible. While I don't think it'll happen, I don't like jumping into things before I am ready.

Is it normal to be 22 and to want to get married, one day, but to be not ready to get married, yet? Argh, I sound pathetic. Not to mention I just hijacked this thread...

I also wish I could talk to you in person, because there's so much going on in your post that's worth addressing! I'm just going to comment on a small-but-important portion of what you've said. I'll check back if you want to chat more or about something else in your post. :)

Does that make sense? I mean, I am surrounded by women around my age and they are all pinning to get married. Are girls suppose to want to be married by now?

Yes, your feelings make plenty of sense. As for whether you're 'supposed' to want to get married, there is no right or wrong answer because it's a very personal question.

Personally, I was like you. I met my now-husband when I was 19, and I had no interest in getting married young. We both had tons of stuff that we wanted to accomplish before settling down, including finishing college (as we met in college), living abroad a couple times, getting professional degrees, moving to new cities, and basically pursuing any worthwhile career or education opportunity that came up in our early and mid-20s. For us, that meant often living in different cities, if not different countries. Our opportunities did not always coincide - but neither of us wanted the other to give up an opportunity for the sake of our relationship. Marriage and living together could wait, but these opportunities would not. Those were our formative years as adults and I don't regret one decision that we made. We finally got to a point where opportunities had stablized and we were certain of our future paths, at least for now - that was when we sat down and figured out how to merge everything into a life together. We got married a couple years ago after 8 years together - I was 27 and he was 29. I don't regret a thing. We're just as married as we would have been had we gotten married years ago, and we started off our marriage as much stronger individuals. Instead of being two struggling kids sacrificing opportunities to be together (that I know we'd regret eventually), we started our marriage as two confident professionals. That was the best decision we could have made for ourselves and our marriage.

So I understand how you're feeling, even if our circumstances are different. It's not about the relationship - it's about the timing. The best thing you can do for yourself is to follow your own instincts, not what other people think or what everyone else is doing. Your own instincts are what's best for you and your relationship.

Maybe I am just behind the curve, because like I said, several months ago - while the reality of it all was more an illusion than anything - I was thinking I would get engaged/married around this time, but now that it is here, I don't feel as ready as I thought I'd be.

Honey, it's called getting older. When you're younger, it's all well and good to say, 'I want to get married by the time I'm 23,' or 'I want kids by the time I turn 30.' When you're younger and saying that, 23 or 30 seems so old, wise, and mature, so you think you'll DEFINITELY be ready by that age - you know, since it's so old, wise, and mature. ;) Then you get older, and as you approach that age, you don't FEEL any older, wiser, or more mature! You just feel like the same person, and you might not feel ready. That's perfectly fine, and that's exactly why we all need to adjust our 'life timelines' to fit our feelings as we get older.

If it helps, I'm feeling the same way right now, except it's about having kids, not marriage. I'll turn 30 by the end of this year, and I always figured I'd have kids or be thinking about kids by 30 - but I can get over that. As I mentioned, you have to adjust your timeline, and I know that and have done it. But we celebrate our 2nd anniversary next Monday, and when we got married, we said that we'd wait 2-3 years before having kids. Well, 2 years have passed, and where are we? Erm, still saying we'll be ready in 2-3 years. :) It turns out that we're not as old, wise, and more mature as we thought we'd be 2 years into our marriage. And it turns out that 2 years wasn't enough 'us time' that we feel we need before starting a family. I could go on and on about this topic, but we're both at peace with our decision to wait, and that's what's important.

Does me not being ready reflect negatively on my relationship?

Of course not! Did my desire to be a confident professional woman on my wedding day instead of a young kid with no experience or prospects mean anything about my relationship? Of course not - it meant that I was being smart and realistic, and wanted to give my future marriage the best possible chance to succeed.

And as much as your friends talk about wanting to get married, I'd be willing to bet that at least half of them are not ready any more than you are. They may just be taken in by the romantic idea of marriage, or by the idea of planning a wedding. Or they might be caught up in peer pressure or what everybody expects of them. The best thing you can do for yourself (and this is true for MANY subjects in life, not just this one) is NOT WORRY about what other people are doing or thinking. Do what's best for YOU.

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People