Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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2bmel2010 Posts : 26 Registered: 10/7/07
Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 18, 2010 11:01 PM

Okay, here we go... FI & I picked an invitation. Now it's time for the wording, so I met with my parents. FI said it looked great. His mother asked if they were going to be mentioned on the invitation, well no, why would they?? Unless we were paying or they helped my parents then there's no reason for them to be mentioned on it. My parents are hosting the wedding/dinner, not them. My dad gave this example: say my parents held an engagment dinner at their house. FI's parents aren't hosting the party, so why would FI's parents names be on those invites? FI's mother feels very strongly about this, wants them to be mentioned so guests know they've done something. What have they done for the wedding except the rehearsal? We're having a small, intimate wedding, 60-70 people. Each side can only invite 30-35 including our family. FI has 4 younger brothers so that leaves 28 people FI side can invite. His side has litters so his mother is upset she can't invite people she wants & is worried about the backlash. Myself & parents thinking is again, if they want to invite more people & be on the invitation then by all means fork over the cash.



For a compromise we put this:



Mr. and Mrs _____

request the pleasure of

your presence to the

marriage of their daughter



(my name)

to

(FI's name)



son of Mr. and Mrs. _______



Showed it to FI's mother and still she doesn't feel as though it's good enough. Now she wants to spend money (they don't have) on pointless rehearsal dinner invitations, WTF?? I know this is no one's business but if they are strapped for cash just to pay for attire/hotel room/rehearsal dinner, then why go and spend extra $ on something that's not necessary/usually not done? I'm so confused.



Am I wrong in being offended by this?


Edited by: 2bmel2010 on Apr 19, 2010 11:37 AM

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: 2bmel2010

I don't think that there's any need for you to be offended - frustrated yes. so take a deep breath

My ILs were on our invites, just as you suggested, because I knew it would be nice for them and my Mom suggested it, even though her and my Dad were paying for it. She knew they'd appreciate it and her and my Dad could care less.

I suggest that your FH deals with his Mom. Have him sit her down about the invite and explain that etiquette requires who is hosting the wedding to be on the invite. Including them on the invite was a gesture to include them.

With the rehearsal dinner - this is their party for you two. As long as they are not inviting people to the rehearsal dinner that are not invited to the wedding - you have no say as long as who you need to be there are there. Honestly, if they choose to spend their money on more people at the rehersal dinner, that's their business.


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Wompbride Posts : 5 Registered: 1/9/10
Re: Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 2:04 PM Go to message in response to: 2bmel2010

Totally agree!! I have been doing ALOT of reading about wedding invitations and that is the proper way of doing the invitation if the IL are not paying for anything but the rehersal.

You should def have your FH talk to your MIL. I am a firm believer that the two biggest things a guy has to do when getting married is 1.) Buy a ring and 2.) Control his mother. Both are equally important. :)

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 5:32 PM Go to message in response to: 2bmel2010

Including their names (in the way that you have done it) is gracious (and no skin off anyone's nose, right?) Including them as hosts is not necessary. If they want to spend money on rehearsal dinner invites, that's their business. They are the hosts of that party, and if they wish to be recognized by sending invites, so be it. As others have pointed out, it's their son's job to deal with them.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 6:53 PM Go to message in response to: 2bmel2010

I think it's just a kind thing to do, mentioning his parents on the invites when your parents are. I think you have it worded correctly and I wouldn't budge from that.

But if they want to send RD invites, why argue with them? It's their money--let them do what they want with it. It's not up to you to decide how they spend their own money or to judge what's appropriate or inappropriate spending for them--it doesn't affect you.

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 7:28 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

I agree with PP's about the wording with both sets of parents you outlined in your original post. Yes, maybe they aren't paying for the wedding, but it is a celebration of you and your FH and with that comes family. There's no reason to leave them off the invite as you worded it unless you are just more interested in who's paying. Wedding planning is all about compromise and picking your battles. And really, no one is really going to look at the invitiation and think "why are the groom's parents name on this?! " they're going to look at the time and date, make a nice comment about how pretty it is and it will either go on the fridge or in the trash. As brides, we are very interested and excited about these things, but forget that most other people don't give two hoots about wording and such.

So I'd take a deep breath, include their names and go on. If MIL still has an issue with it, have your FH talk to her. You talking to her will only cause more tension and unwanted stress between all of you.

As for the Rehearsal invites, take the advice of PP's. This is their party to throw for you, if they want to have invites, that's their business and there's no need to stress about it. Again, people will look at time and date and in the trash eventually they will go.

Best wishes!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 8:16 PM Go to message in response to: 2bmel2010

Dear Mel,

Your parents are exactly right. As hosts of the event, they do the inviting.

Traditionally, the groom's parents were not mentioned at all, if the bride's parents were hosting the event. In the past 40 years, or so, it has become common to add the "son of Mr and Mrs Joe Blow" line so people from his side of the family know who the heck the groom is.

"Oh, yes, that's Cousin Joe's son getting married."

Your in-laws are totally out of line to insist on being listed as co-hosts when they are doing nothing to co-host.

Your FMIL certainly is welcome to get rehearsal dinner invitations printed with her name as the person hosting the event. Let her do that. Invitations need not be expensive, and that will keep the peace.

Next suggestion: Let your FH deal with his mother. You and FH come to an agreement that the "son of Mr and Mrs ____" line is the best it's ever going to get. Once you and FH are solidly in agreement, he goes to his mother and says "Mom, that's it. Final decision. The subject is closed."

Finally: Your parents have offered to give you the gift of a wedding, and to pay for it. That's wonderful. Great parents. Fabulous. Turning back to them and saying "You need to include the in-laws name as co-hosts, even though they have not paid a dime towards the event" is really an insult to your parents.

If I was in such a situation with a daughter, and if my daughter demanded that I include the in-laws names under the circs you describe, I would politely, but firmly, tell my daughter that my funding and role as host is withdrawn, and that I will be happy to attend a wedding hosted and paid for entirely by the in-laws, as a guest.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 11:40 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

AOTB - So is the wording she presented indicate the ILs as co-hosts. Because I don't think that it does. My parents didn't feel that it did - or didn't care. That's on them. They were OK with our invotes.

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 11:50 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Ladies,

PTG: " AOTB - So is the wording she presented indicate the ILs as co-hosts. "

Let's make it clear.

______________________

Here we have hosts inviting people to an event:

Mr and Mrs Joe Blow
Mr and Mrs Fred Smith

invite you to the wedding of

Susie Blow
to
Freddie Smith
_________________________


Here we have the bride's parents doing the inviting, and adding an information line for clarity:

Mr and Mrs Joe Blow
invite you to the wedding of their daughter
Susie
to
Mr Freddie Smith
son of Mr and Mrs Fred Smith

____________________________________

Freddie is the son of Fred and Wilma Smith, no matter who funds the wedding. That is an immutable fact. Some of the guests allotted to the Smiths might know the parents, but not the son. The "son of" line simply fills in the blanks.

The person or people doing the inviting are the hosts and bill-payers.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 11:54 PM Go to message in response to: 2bmel2010

Dear Mel,

"but if they are strapped for cash just to pay for attire/hotel room/rehearsal dinner, "

I missed this in your original post.

All the guests pay for their own attire and hotel rooms. If I am invited to your wedding, I don't send you a bill for my dress nor for my hotel. I pay for my own bills. Buying a dress to wear to a party does not make me the party hostess.

They are hosts of the rehearsal dinner, and can take out billboards on Main St to advertise that fact, should they be so inclined.

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2bmel2010 Posts : 26 Registered: 10/7/07
Re: Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 4:15 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thx everyone. I'm happy that no one has said I was being silly about the situation. My FH has talked to his mother, apparently she's fine with it now (such BS). Also, there were comments made (I was not present) & I am not allowed to know them until after the wedding. When I talked to FH & asked him nicely to be by myside & keep his mother 'at bay', he was okay with it. But IF I wanted him to stay by myside, I'm not allowed to know the remarks made. This is such H.S. BS I can't even stand it. I asked FH what to do so there aren't anymore silly situations like this, his response: 'don't talk about the wedding'. At this point you're all probably confused... I live under my FILs house. So, whatever they want I respect (with exception of this last incident).

I agree with everyone, if my FMIL wants to do the invites & yada yada yada, what have you... I'm keeping my mouth shut.

Thx again all, I really appreciate your understanding!

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Monster-in-law, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 6:25 PM Go to message in response to: 2bmel2010

You're right, it's all BS. I would advise your FH to (1) not mention again if remarks are made, and
(2) not tell you what the previous remarks were. Your best attitude is, "I don't want to know, and I don't care." If she continues to make remarks, I would advise him to shut her down ASAP. If he doesn't, she will just keep on intruding herself into issues that basically are between your FH and you.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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