Brides (especially young brides) please listen!

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August28th Posts : 153 Registered: 1/28/09
Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 15, 2010 9:34 PM

Hey ladies, I've noticed that there are a lot of "young brides" threads on this particular forum. And I wanted to share something with all brides, especially young ones.

I have a guy friend--Todd*--who has been my friend since we were 5, so he's a good, long-time friend. He got married a little over 2 years ago when he was 21 and his fiancee was 19 (I have never liked her or trusted her, she used to flirt w/ my now DH right in front of me and Todd, even after they were married--but that's beside the point). Before they got married, everyone (family, friends, their boss, everyone) who knew them was telling them to wait to get married. They were rushing into marriage and most people saw it as a big mistake. Well, they didn't listen. Guess what? I just found out that she (now almost 22) just kicked Todd out of their house because she decided she doesn't want to be married anymore. She's just filed for divorce and has some new guy living with her. Apparently, she wasn't ready to be with one man only, for the rest of her life.
Honestly, I can tell you I'm not surprised this happened, but I'm very sad for Todd, and for their families. Divorce affects more people than just the couple. Everyone I've talked to say they saw it coming from the day they got married, it's just so sad that they didn't listen. They could've avoided such a big mess and a lot of heartache, if they'd listened.

If you have people in your life who are close to you telling you to wait or rethink your upcoming marriage, please, please! listen. It is so much easier (and cheaper) to wait a couple of years and find out you're not compatible and merely break up, than to marry and later go through a divorce, especially at such a young age.

Before you think I'm a young bride hater, please know, I'm not. I got married 7 1/2 months ago and I was 22, so for this day and age, I'm considered a young bride. I'm not saying that all couples who marry at that age are doomed to fail, I don't believe it, I know many thriving couples who've been married 20-30+ years and were married very young. But please understand that love is blind (no matter what age you are). It's hard to see that you're not ready or incompatible when you have stars in your eyes. So PLEASE listen to those who know you and FH the best if they are telling you to wait. They only have your best in mind for you. Consider everything you'll be sacrificing (marriage is all about sacrifice) and that marriage is not a wedding, it takes a lot of work. So please, for your sake, your FH's, your possible children, and your families' sakes, please listen.



True love is like a ghost which many talk about but few have ever seen.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 16, 2010 8:47 AM Go to message in response to: August28th

Good advice for brides of any age - but as you pointed out, I think it applies more often to younger couples, as they still have more changing and growing up to do than older couples.

I have a young coworker who is trying to get a divorce finalized. She is 24. I believe she got married when she was 21 or 22 - right out of college, anyway, and he was either the same age or a year older, I don't know for sure. Anyway, her husband totally changed after they got married. While they were dating and engaged, he was very sweet - but once they were married, he became very controlling and abusive. (I have never met the guy, so all of this is second-hand, but I've met some of her friends and family and they say the same things about him.) Now, here's what gets me: When she finally left him, a bunch of people in her life said things like, 'I always knew there was something wrong about him,' but no one had ever said a word to her. Sure, most people are probably just trying to make her feel better, but it's probably true that someone at least got some weird vibes from him and didn't say anything. I'm not saying that the whole thing could have been prevented if her friends and family had spoken up, but perhaps she would have thought twice about the marriage if enough people were saying the same things. Personally, I think it's worth it to speak up if you have a bad feeling about someone's future marriage.

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starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 16, 2010 8:57 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I actually asked my mom and close friends if they thought I was doing the right thing by marrying FH. Not because I was having second thoughts. Not at all. It was because I am so head over heels in love that I wanted to make sure I was not missing something.

People who marry abusers, cheaters, child molesters etc often are blind to any of the warning signs before the wedding, or they choose to ignore them. I wanted to make sure that was not me.

Of course I knew there answer. However, of it had been something unexpected, or if my mom or close freinds had suggested I wait, I would have given thier comments serious consideration.

They people closest to you often see what you cannot. It is defiantly worth taking the time to give thier advice some serious thought.



Also, I knew before my aunt got married that my EX uncle was a huge f*cktard. I was 12 at the time so I did not say anything to anyone but my mom. I wish someone in my family had told her what they saw.
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Edited by: starfish701 on Apr 16, 2010 8:57 AM

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 16, 2010 10:06 AM Go to message in response to: starfish701

I wanted to marry my first real boyfriend. We dated when we were 18-22 years old. Let me just say that if I was to have married him I would have been divorced by now. Not one of my family members liked him. I was blind because I didn't see why they couldn't like him. He was abusive in a way because he would pressure me into doing things I didn't really want to do. He would manipulate me. A few times he would say that he was going to kill himself if I left him and of course that made me feel guilty. We always argued. Even though all of this was happening I still wanted a ring from him. He never got me a ring thank goodness! Somehow I got the power to break up with him (for the 3rd and final time). Now I know exactly why none of my friends or family liked him. I was so young back then and naïve.

Funny thing is that we're friends till this day. He's matured a bit and realized what a jerk he was. Which is fine, we're adults now. I'm just happy to have a man now that respects me.


 

                           
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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 16, 2010 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

That is really great advice to any brides. But as everyone else mentioned it is especially great for young brides. I was engaged when I was 17 or so. I really, really, wanted to marry this guy. I loved him, and we had a great relationship. That is we did, while we were in seperate states. He moved in with me, and things got really bad, he would pick fights with me in private, knowing it was something I would stay mad at him for, then when we were around people he would make me look like the bad guy, and that I was treating him like crap because I was still mad at him over a fight we had, but he would never mention that we had been fighting. No one really stepped up and told me I shouldn't marry him, so I figured it was ok. My parents never said anything, but I suppose its because they knew it would never happen. I finally met my DH and married him when I was 22. I was very nervous to be getting married so young, but as my friends and family have told me I may only be 22 (at the time) but I am mature enough to make the right desicion. I had been in situations before where no one understood what I saw in the guy I was dating, and let me know they didn't like him, I never really listened until I got my heart broken a few times. So I like Starfish asked everyone close to me if they thought I was making the right desicion. My second mother even told me she was wondering what was taking so long for us to get engaged (which it really wasn't that long, she just knew he was the one for me the first time she met him.) So every please, please listen if a loved one is telling you that there is something fishy about your FH, it is so much easier to call off a wedding, than to file for divorce.


 

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FutureSawmiller Posts : 3 Registered: 4/3/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 17, 2010 8:09 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Oh my gosh i have the same story! I was also manipulated and my family didn't like him. But i just wanted him forever so bad. It was also the 3rd break up that ended it for good. I'm glad we were able to break out of the trap.

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BlueBoxBlueShoes Posts : 49 Registered: 2/15/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 17, 2010 1:29 PM Go to message in response to: FutureSawmiller

I worry for the young brides that treat an engagement and wedding as an extension of high school prom. My BF and I have been together since our freshman year of college and only now are we ready to become engaged and set a date. In a likelihood, we will probably still commit to a date at least a year away because we want to be able to take an incredible honeymoon... And in the real world, you need to have acculumated vacation time to do so.

I think the biggest sign whether or not you can get married is whether you can throw a wedding yourselves. A friend of ours had the choice from her father: get married young when she wanted and he'll pay for the wedding or wait to get married later and he would pay for her entire grad school. She chose the wedding and while they are still happily married, there's lots of things they would want to do but can't because she's $40k further in student debt. If you can afford your own wedding, ideal. If your parents decide to pay for the wedding, then that means you have a cushion for the future!

I would also be suspicious of any guy that wants to marry young. While there are always exceptions, it's usually the creeps with control issues that only want to legally tie you down so it's harder to leave them! Beware if you've got a pushy guy!!!

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Kate2012 Posts : 30 Registered: 1/25/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 17, 2010 7:24 PM Go to message in response to: BlueBoxBlueShoes

I don't think that the reason men usually want to marry young is because they want to tie someone down legally. I think that can be the case at any age. I just think that people mature at different ages.

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BlueBoxBlueShoes Posts : 49 Registered: 2/15/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 17, 2010 8:52 PM Go to message in response to: Kate2012

See, I don't correlate maturity with wanting to marry. I just can't argue that yes, some young men get married young because they are more "mature." I wouldn't guess that a 30 yr. old man is immature if he has no immediate desire to marry, settle down and have a boatload of kids.

Like I wrote previously, there are exceptions. But I generally think that a young man's eagerness to run down the aisle is a red flag. One of the warning signs for spousal abuse is a guy that wants to get married quickly after meeting so the woman doesn't REALLY get a chance to know him. Or they just want to have sex, which is just a horrible reason to get married.

Most guys I know won't propose after only a year of dating (* though this is completely different for people older/ on their second marriage and know what they really want).

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 17, 2010 10:00 PM Go to message in response to: Kate2012

I would just like to point out that maturity is NOT being ready to get married straight out of high school/during your first year of college. Being willing to get married is a good step in the right direction, but if taken too soon, it shows how naive/immature/not ready for the real world you truly are.

Genuine maturity is having enough sense to say "Hey, I love you, but we need to wait to get married until we are both financially stable, and can stand on our own feet as a family."

Before I get any young brides bashing me, I'd like to point out that I am, in fact, 18 going on 19. I was also once involved in a relationship where I was highly considering getting married after I turned 18. Thankfully, it did not work out, and I am now in a very healthy, albeit long distance, relationship, and we both are grounded enough to know that while we might be positively over the moon for each other, we have other obligations and responsibilities to meet before we can even consider making that big of a commitment. Do we talk about marriage? Absolutely. Have we made any definite plans? No, not really. And I'm okay with that.

All of that being said, do I think it's irresponsible to get married young? Not necessarily. Every situation is unique. However, what I find completely irresponsible, are girls who come onto these boards, talking about getting married at 18 or 19, that aren't taking a lot of outside circumstances into consideration, and thinking that everything is going to go smoothly for them because "they have a plan". Have you ever heard the saying "Want to make God laugh? Make a plan." ?

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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Kate2012 Posts : 30 Registered: 1/25/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 17, 2010 10:28 PM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

I believe maturity is a huge factor in getting married, but we are all entitled to our own opinions. In my case, my boyfriend and I are considering marriage and we have been for a long time, it is definately not something we would rush into because we are young (21), but I found we are a lot more mature and stable then most people our age. We rent a house, he works full-time and is in school, I am working two part-time jobs (because full-time jobs in healthcare are quite hard to get here) and am going to school full-time. We have been together four years and have dated other people, so we are definately not rushing into things. We have also lived together for two years. I would also have a long engagement because we are still in school and still young. By the time we would be married we would be together for 6 years. Everyone's situation is different and there are many factors in deciding on marriage, but I feel like maturity is a big one.

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Kate2012 Posts : 30 Registered: 1/25/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 17, 2010 10:31 PM Go to message in response to: Kate2012

I'd also like to say that I am talking as a 21 year old. I was a completely different person at 17 and 18 and no way ready to get married at that age. I realize how much people change during there teens and twenties, but I also feel that people continue to change throughout there whole life. I think it all depends on the person and the couple.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 18, 2010 4:35 PM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

VanTillBruden you have such a good head on your shoulder for being so young. Not just with the post you made here about not being ready for marriage but just every post you write in the threads has good advice :)


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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 7:24 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Thank you, Cheetah! I have had to learn a lot of things the hard way (see my post about that serious boyfriend I considered marrying straight out of high school), but I think I'm a better (and smarter) person for it today. In the end, I don't regret anything I've ever done in my past, because it's shaped me into exactly who I am right now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 2:37 PM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

I guess that's part of life, having to learn things the hard way :-p

 

                           
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Sign my guestbook!!! :)

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