im looking for an outside view on this one.
I am in love with two men who love me back. One is kind, makes me smile just by pulling into the drive, and is the clear choice among friends and family. he asked me a few weeks ago to be his wife and i said yes.
the other i was with "unofficially" for two years. seeing as he has been burnt before and is in the milta we never made our relationship solid for fear of getting hurt. somewhere along the line we fell in love and were able to lean on eachother even from thousands of miles away. he knows what im feeling in my gut with out even talking to me or seeing me. we've gone rounds of trying to be apart but it has never worked up untill now. he emailed me from afg and said he couldnt make up his mind between me and his ex. i told him that as much as i love him i needed to give someone else a real chance to make me happy. that i wasnt going to come back to him again. i never expected that in a dark honky-tonk i would fall in love with a man i didnt know. but my rodeo loving farm owning incredible fiance had me from "im a poor farmer who rides bulls. if you can handel that you can handel me..."
i take my commitment to my fiance very seriously, almost as if we were already married. but "joe" came home on leave, and while he did nothing but chastely kiss me goodbye before leaving for war again, it left alot more what if's floating in the air then every other time he came home. joe was engaged and joined the military just like i have now done. i am waiting my orders from the USAF and am hoping to be gone in sept.
over our lunch he told me as much as he doesnt want to see me hurt that my relationship will never last. he is back with "jane" for the most part, though he said its bc im not an option any more. i cant seem to let him go or stop loving him. watching him walk away was way harder than i think it should be for a woman being engaged to someone else.
i told joe that i love him and he'll always be "that one guy" for me. he said maybe hes not as far away as i think, that AF and Army bases are sometimes connected and that he cant tell the future, but if i was next to his base, he wouldnt be able to stay away.
so now what? my man knows of joe. but do i come clean about the dug up feelings? is it wrong to have said yes and still love someone else too? and mostly. please tell me im not a horrible person for loving two men so much.
Sounds to me like you're confused and in my opinion it's best to call of the engagement with your fiancé until you straighten your feelings out. This doesn't mean you are horrible, it just means that you are in love with two men and that you shouldn't get married until you know in your heart 100% who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe you need time by yourself for a few days or even a week or two to really think things through.
You sound very confused. Personally, I think you should walk away from both men until you can get your feelings straight.
No, you should not be in love with anyone other than the man you're engaged to. That tells me one of two things: either your FH isn't the right one for you, or now isn't the right time. If he was the right guy and this was the right time, you wouldn't have feelings for someone else - your heart would belong 100% to him. And that's the way it should be.
Clearly, that isn't the way you feel about your FH, so you owe it to him to be honest. I'm not saying you should tell him you're in love with someone else - because that won't accomplish anything other than hurting him - but you need to be honest that you're not on the same page as him. This man presumably loves you enough that he can't stand the thought of spending the rest of his life without you. If you feel any less than that for any reason, it's not fair to him to keep up the charade.
Now, about the other guy: I don't think you're really in love with him. It sounds to me like you're in love with the idea of him. You said that you've never officially been a couple, and he's been on-again off-again with his GF/fiance/whatever. You're interested in this guy because you can't have him - or because things just won't work out between you. You have no experience being in a normal relationship with this man, so you've built it up in your head and convinced yourself that it would be perfect and that you love him. He's done the same thing. Chances are that the reality would never live up to the ideal in your head.
You're not a horrible person for loving two men - but you would be a horrible person if you married your FH without working out these feelings. I suggest you take a break from your engagement and see a counselor. Talking to someone who is removed from the situation can be a big help in working out your feelings. If you eventually decide that your FH is the right one for you, you need to cut all communication with the other guy. Forever. I mean it - no contact whatsoever. You can get over this 'love' for the other guy, but that doesn't mean that he'll stop 'loving' you. Don't give him a chance to talk you back into it. Whatever decision you make, it needs to be a final decision. If you choose your FH, make it the final decision by cutting all contact with this other guy.
You know the situation and your feelings better than I do, but my guess is that you're in love with the idea of this other man, not with the reality of him. And you shouldn't go into a marriage wondering 'what if I chose the other guy?' If you choose your FH, you need to work out your feelings and get over this infatuation long before making any wedding plans. I'd put the engagement on hold until you're sure of your feelings.
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You're really not ready to be engaged to, much less marry, anyone right now. Especially because of the military, for both "Joe" and yourself, you do not have time to spend to get to know each other and see whether you're right for each other over the long haul. If you do have feelings for another man, it's certainly not right to "commit" to current fiance, mainly because he's the favorite of your family and friends. Why not wait until you're home from your deployment and can sort things out? email@example.com