Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?

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Ceciliannia Posts : 1 Registered: 4/5/10
Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 1:06 PM


I don't know if I'm being a bridezilla or what, but I'll try to explain the best I can:
I chose my maid of honpr because she seems like the most organized and willing. However, for most of the events (cake tasting, dresses, appointments) for some reason she always tends to make 99% of the conversation about her. We get off the important topic to a story she tells about herself and other people talk to her about it for 30 minutes, and stuff doesn't get done. It's frustrating. I feel like we should be discussing plans for my wedding day, but when we get together, it's always about her husband, her life, her wedding, etc. If it wasn't for an accident she had earlier in the morning, she would have gone to work and forgot about the appointment, even though I told her weeks in advanced. When I ask serious questions, she always acts like she's not interested, or isn't concerned. I'll ask her a question and she will either ignore it, or answer about 2 hours later with once again, something centered on her. I also feel like she's not giving any effort. I once asked her just to call around and get prices for bakers cake wise. 3 weeks later, I ask her what progress she has made, and she says, "oh, I stopped by one bakery and they were closed." and that was all she got done. I learned a few weeks later that this technically is not the MOH's job, so I apologized and told her not to worry about it, and I would take care of it.(I feel this was my error)When I get excited or anxious with all the planning, she keeps turning it around and making it about her, and this hurts. Last, I would like to have a bridal shower and bachelorette party, and am hoping she would throw one, but I have a feeling she will not bother with it. I know they are not required, but I would throw one for her, so I'm confused as to why she wouldn't do the same for me. I'm afraid she will handle it the same way as everything else. I'm afraid she won't get around to it, and come that she won't even bother with it.
What should I do? Am I being too needy? Should I keep on her and stay consistent with reminding her? Is it the brides responsibility to do this? I just don't know. I feel like the planning is getting stressful, and I feel she is making me frustrated.

I asked her a week ago if everything was ok, and why she has not been available lately. She said she was really busy, working 40 hours a week. I was a little hurt by this, because I've been working 40 hours a week, while going to school, and am planning a wedding all at the same time,and I still find free time do do other things. Should I say something about this as well? Or is there nothing I can do?

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FutureMrsKlein Posts : 164 Registered: 5/2/09
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: Ceciliannia

I think that you are asking a bit much. Really you should be the one finding your vendors and stuff. I get wanting to have someone do it with you, because it is fun, right? It is for us because we are planning our wedding. But for her, some of it is probably fun, and some is an inconvenience.

As for her discussing herself....presumably she is your friend so it seems like since she is taking time out of her schedule to do wedding stuff with you, you listen to her. She has said she is stressed so just be a good friend and listen.

I totally understand wanting people to be excited about planning your wedding. I really do. But we just have to remember this is a small thing in other people's lives, even if it is huge for us.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 2:38 PM Go to message in response to: Ceciliannia

I don't think she's being lazy. Honestly, it sounds like you're expecting her to help you with a LOT. Why is she going to appointments with you? And you expect her to skip work to do so? (Sorry if I didn't read that right. Didn't you say that she would have forgotten about an appointment and gone to work if you hadn't reminded her?) Really - that's too much. It's not her wedding, it's yours. You don't need an entourage with you every step of the way to plan it.

I understand that you're excited and feel like the focus is on you, but it can get really tiring when a friend is getting married and demands that every conversation be about her wedding. Or if she's having a baby and you can't talk about anything except the baby. Perhaps your friend is simply trying to change the topic from wedding stuff, and it just seems to you like she's trying to make it all about her. I know that when I'm bored with a given topic and desperate to change the subject, I tend to babble, and I'm sure what I say is often about myself.

All things considered, it sounds like you need to have a talk with your MOH and make sure you're both on the same page. You might expect her to help you plan the wedding, but she might have no idea that that's what you want. (And if you want my opinion, you shouldn't put so much on her. Asking her advice or opinion once in a while is fine - expecting her to put her own life on hold until after your wedding is unreasonable). Jot down for yourself your expectations for her, and then discuss them with her. Get her honest opinion about what you're asking her to do. About the shower and BP, it's OK to want them, but it's not Ok to tell someone that she needs to throw them for you.

Honestly, I think you're expecting a lot of her, and you should probably tone it down. For reference, I have been MOH twice and had a MOH myself. For both weddings I've been MOH in (and for my own), the only things I did were buy a dress (in both cases, I chose my own. My MOH asked me to pick hers for her), attend a shower (I hosted one, but not the other. My MOH did not host mine), attend a BP if possible (both times I was MOH, the other BMs planned the BP, as I didn't know the area. Same with my own wedding), attend a rehearsal and RD the night before the wedding, get ready with the bride, stand next to her at the ceremony, sign the marriage license if necessary in their state, smile for photos, and give a toast at the reception.

I would laugh if I was in a wedding and the bride expected me to take time off from work to go to appointments with her. And I'd have a chat with her if she expected me to help her plan the wedding (like I said, asking for advice or a second opinion is one thing - having wedding meetings is another). If she expected have my undivided attention throughout her entire engagement, she'd be SOL because I have my own life. If I'm in a wedding, the bride gets 4 days out of my life: the day of her shower, the day of her BP (which I will skip if it's not local for me and not held on the same day as the shower or a couple days before the wedding), the day before the wedding, and the wedding day. I will be her friend, as usual, but I expect the same from her. I am not her wedding planner, personal assistant, or butt wiper until she's married!



DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 4:53 PM Go to message in response to: Ceciliannia

Dear Cece,

She's just not that into you.

She isn't that interested in planning your wedding, and is more concerned about her own life. My suggestion to you is to focus on doing your own planning, yourself, and don't count on her for anything except showing up on time in suitable clothing.

I hope that someone offers to throw you a shower. If not, then you will just not have a shower. Your marriage license will still be valid, though.

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feministbride Posts : 14 Registered: 2/27/10
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 7:44 PM Go to message in response to: Ceciliannia

There is no way around this but you are a bridezilla.

First and foremost which I think your biggest problem is that you fell too much for the stereotypical, expected roles of people. Since she is your bridesmaid you expect her to do this and that but not this other thing. That is not how things should work.
Believe it or not people have lives outside of your wedding. You should have a life outside of your wedding planning as well. Always talking about wedding stuff gets boring for even the bride...so just imagine what it does to friends and families and even the MOH if the topic of conversation is always wedding stuff! Non-wedding talk is crucial to maintaing and keeping your friends and family happy.
What kind of "serious questions" do you ask? Perhaps she wants you to be more independent and not have a focus group for every aspect of the wedding! There are times that you need to step up to the leadership role and make your own decisions.

Why should she get prices for the bakery? Do you have a wedding planner? NO? then get one or you and your future husband should do the work yourself. If someone asks to help ask them what they want to do since most people have an interest in a certain aspect of the wedding, some may be great invitation makers, others may be better negitioators and may help you negotiate price but let the help come to you not the other way around. Just cause she is MOH does not mean she is your slave.


If you want a bridal shower and bachelorette party throw one yourself if you know for certain that she or anyone else won't. There are times that it is better to do things yourself than to expect others to do things that may not get done. Who cares about "how it is suppose to go" A person just like you made up that tradition, time to start a new one.

I think you took the word Maid of Honor literally (and i have a major issue with the term Maid of Honor but that a totally different story) You should have chose this person, because 2nd to your future husband you will want her/him on your side at the wedding celebrating the marriage of your husband and you and not because she is organized.

And how dare you compare your "free time" to hers. You do not know her outside of work and planning YOUR wedding responsibilities.

At one point all brides, including myself, have to realize that we can not expect that our wedding to be everyone's top priority.


 



 
 
 


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SMGray Posts : 84 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 8:42 PM Go to message in response to: Ceciliannia

I tend to skirt the line between normal person and bridezilla myself (I realize this, which is why I usually ask a bunch of people if I'm being a pain in the ass before I confront anyone about wedding related things). Having said that, even I think that what you're asking of you MOH is a little much. If you need an outside opinion on every single detail of the wedding and an attendant for every appointment, HIRE someone to do that for you. I cannot afford one of these people myself, but I imagine that a wedding planner would be happy to help you shop around for vendors. As a matter of fact, I would bet that with years of experience in the wedding industry, a wedding planner knows a LOT more about bakeries than your MOH does.

Your MOH should not be taking off from work to help you taste cakes, watch you try on dresses, or interview florists. If I told my boss I was taking the day off to go to one of these appointments, he'd most likely start looking for my replacement before I finished the sentence.


"And so I come, to be the one, who's always standing close to you."- Van Morrison

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 9:02 PM Go to message in response to: feministbride

Dear FB,

"If you want a bridal shower and bachelorette party throw one yourself if you know for certain that she or anyone else won't"

No.

It is rude to give a present-centered party for yourself. ("Shower" the bride with presents.)

It has nothing to do with tradition, and everything to do with looking greedy for gifts.

Lest you think I'm tied to tradition, I'll note that when I got married, in 1976, my mother and father both walked me down the aisle. My husband's parents walked him down the aisle, as well. Are we Jewish? No, but we liked the Jewish custom of honoring all four parents, so we "borrowed" it for our own wedding. I kept my own name all these years; never used his last name with my first name on anything.

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jeaniebelle87 Posts : 137 Registered: 11/23/07
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 1:48 AM Go to message in response to: Ceciliannia

I think you're expecting a little much from your maid of honor. All she's really "required" to do is wear the dress you pick and show up at the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner and wedding on time and properly attired. Anything else she does in way of "duties" is entirely her choice. That's worth saying again: Any other "duties" she takes on are ENTIRELY her choice. Is it nice when a bridesmaid or maid of honor throws a shower? Yes. Does she need to? No.

It stood out to me that you picked her to be your maid of honor because she is the most organized and you thought she would be the best at it? That seems like a red flag to me. You should pick your wedding party because they are your nearest and dearest friends and you want to honor them in a special way on the wedding day by having them surround you right up front during your wedding. You shouldn't pick them because of the things they'll do for you in way of unpaid wedding services.

Also, maybe she's being apathetic towards your wedding because it's the only thing you talk about now? Maybe you should plan a girls' day and commit to making it a wedding-free day (as in absolutely no wedding talk the whole time you're together!).

Another thought: I'm going to be the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding this summer. She hasn't asked me to do anything for the wedding but buy my dress, and we both make a point of having conversations where both of our weddings are taboo subjects. Because she isn't forcing her wedding down my throat, I find that even though I'm very busy with my own life, and my own wedding, I make special time to help her with whatever I can, even if that just means being a sounding board. I definitely wouldn't be offering my time and energy if she was being as demanding as it sounds like you're being. In fact, the demands would make me want to be as apathetic as physically possible.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 10:16 AM Go to message in response to: Ceciliannia

Ladies,

I think the OP has left us.

Here's one thing that I just noticed:

"I chose my maid of honpr because she seems like the most organized and willing."

She put "maid" in bold for emphasis. Does that mean that in her mind the maid of honor is the bride's personal servant?

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 4:13 PM Go to message in response to: Ceciliannia

Isnt that why you have a fiance? To help you with these sorts of things? Or maybe a mom or something?

I dont know about anyone else but I can probably count on 2 fingers the number of people I"d attend a cake tasting with that wasn't for my own wedding. And one of them is me.

Just sayin...

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 4:20 PM Go to message in response to: Ceciliannia

She isn't lazy. You are out of line.

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 4:26 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I dont know about anyone else but I can probably count on 2 fingers the number of people I"d attend a cake tasting with that wasn't for my own wedding.

I don't know about that - I've been known to do some out-of-character things if free cake is involved. ;) But I certainly wouldn't take time off from work to taste cakes with somebody, or really go out of my way to do so. If it's convenient for me, I might go help with that, but I wouldn't want to attend any appointments that didn't involve cake. I suppose I MIGHT attend an appointment with a friend if she really had nobody else to go with and it was convenient for me, but I'd rather help out by looking at photos of her choices (emailed to me, so that I can review them at my leisure) and giving my opinion that way - if she really needs help with the planning.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 4:33 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Alright the cake was a bad example as I would probably also do some obsene things for cake myself. BUT like you said, Art, I wouldnt be like taking time off work, or driving an hour to go with someone, unless they really, really needed me to. I think there is a difference though between the bride inviting me along or just expecting I attend all these things.

I wasn't in my bff's wedding but I had a part in helping her with things. And when she asked me to plan her b'rette I was honored to. Because she asked and I knew her sister (MOH) just didnt have the time to. But she in no way expected that I do it.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 11:14 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I think there is a difference though between the bride inviting me along or just expecting I attend all these things.

Absolutely. I have no problem with a bride saying, 'Hey, I'm going to taste cakes on Sat. You're welcome to join me.' But I do have a problem with her getting mad at me if I can't make it. I invited my local BMs along for lots of things, but never cared if they couldn't make it. It would usually go something like this: 'Hey girls. I have to pick out flowers next Wed after work. Anybody want to come or meet somewhere for happy hour afterwards?' If they couldn't make it, no big deal.

LOL about the cake. Cake is definitely an exception to most rules! :)

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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Pocahontas626 Posts : 15 Registered: 4/15/10
Re: Lazy maid of honor? Or am I out of line?
Posted: Apr 16, 2010 1:07 AM Go to message in response to: Ceciliannia

Dear OP,
I have (sort of) the same problem, and I don't think I'm a bridezilla.
Mine is more based on the fact that my MOH always tells me about how excited she is to help me and attend tastings & meetings, but when the date actually rolls around she can never come. She doesn't work. I just wish she wouldn't tell me she's going to come with me, then at the last second she tells me she's busy with this or that (when she's known all along when it was). I'm glad my other bridesmaids have stepped in though (and I didn't force them, they want to!). They're a huge help. If I were you I would subtly ask some other bridesmaids for help, without pressuring them.

Also to everyone who says her only duty is to show up in her dress: that's definitely not true. Why would you name her your Maid of Honor if her task is the same requirement for a guest? Just a thought.

Good Luck!

Weight Loss Goals:
-Start date- 4/15/10
-Goal Weight-140 lbs
-Current Weight- 170 lbs
-Wedding-June 26th, 2010!

0 pounds lost so far!

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