SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??

Online Users: 1,282 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 21


JoelsPrettyPres... Posts : 41 Registered: 12/2/09
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 12:46 PM

My cousin who is also getting married next year has called off her engagement twice. They always make up and resolve whatever issue was blown out of proportion, but I was wondering if this is common?

When it comes up among family they always just say it is young love, and the older ladies tell me how they must have called off their engagement hundreds of times but have now been happily married for many years (some of them 45+ years of marriage).

Same with fellow waitresses at my work, one said she called off her wedding four times! But now they have been married for ten years and couldn't be happier. Also my sociology teacher believe it or not. When we were discussing marriage in class she spoke about how no couple can be perfect and just because they separate or feel the want to give up sometimes doesn't mean the relationship is a huge failure waiting to happen, and it doesn't mean their marriage is going to flop, as long as they are both actually willing to work at the issue. As she did with her husband back in the sixties who she again is still happily married to.

I felt the need to put this up as a post because it is perplexing and interesting me. My fiance and I are in pre-marriage counseling with his family pastor (we are doing a covenant marriage) , and it is great! You get to talk about stresses you both may have in your relationship, how you would like your marriage to be, and goals for your life together. To be honest the thought about calling off the wedding was brought up there, but once it was openly discussed it was not for the reasons you first would have thought, and of course it was resolved.

So I am honestly asking all the ladies who are married and all the ladies getting married. Have you or your fiance ever called off your engagement and then resurrected it? I am really interested to find out weather any of the now happily married women at one time called off their engagement to their now husbands?

Just a social experiment (that I intend to turn into a paper for sociology) so I really would like views and honest answers. I mean no one has the PERFECT relationship, and there is no need to pretend you do.

Thanks ladies :)

Daisypath Wedding tickers

Reply


agd1017 Posts : 464 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 7:54 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

My engagement to Eric has never been called off. Believe me, there have been more than a few times when I was so mad/hurt/upset that I thought about calling it off. But it never got beyond the thinking stage. The reason? I kept telling myself, "You love him, you want to spend the rest of your life with him, so work it out."

I'm not saying it's always that simple... but that's just my side of it.

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Amanda and Eric

 

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 8:11 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Dear JPPB,

No, once we actually got engaged we were pretty much on track. There was only 4 months between official engagement and the wedding.

Reply


BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 8:44 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Yep.

We did call off our previous engagement but we haven't resurrected--but we have stayed together. We have never broken up.

We are still young and a year ago we were even younger (especially emotionally, mentally, fiscally, etc.) We didn't break off the relationship--we are still equally as in love now if not more. However, after some further thought while in the early stages of our engagement we didn't think we were ready for such a large lifestyle change.

At the time we were largely financially independent on our parents. Both of our parents paid for our tuition, our housing, our food, etc. We only had to pay for extra 'luxuries' (excessive drinking and date nights basically.) Now--a year later, our parents are still paying for our tuition (it comes from an Education Savings Plan that has been there for years) but we are paying for our rent and all other living expenses.

Before we didn't have a clear path on where we wanted to go in life. We weren't career motivated and we had no idea what the future held for us. Now a year later we are on the right track. We both have career aspirations and while there is still going to be a lot of spontaneity in our lives we at least have the beginnings of a vision.

A year ago we were still in our 'puppy love' phase. We had never had a fight. We were disgustingly adorable. A year later we have fought, we have fallen into a rut and gotten ourselves out of it. We have discussed our relationship many times and have worked on ways to improve it. Before our relationship was easy and now it is difficult sometimes but for both of us it is worth the effort. Our relationship has strengthened in a way that I didn't know was possible. This past year my family has gone through hell and back and while all the relationships that my siblings were in fell apart due to inability to trust and depression that ran through the family this past year--mine is the only one that has maintained. That being said--I have always responded better to trauma than my family has.

So we aren't engaged again, but we do fully have those intentions. We are so pleased that we made the decision to sit down and end our engagement. We couldn't have made a better decision for ourselves and for our relationship.

However--we hadn't gotten deep into wedding planning yet. We didn't have to do a very public 'the wedding is off!' We had just told our family and our very closest friends of our engagement and within a couple of weeks it was off. Yes, it was a little awkward--but I think they agreed with us. In fact, I think they thought the engagement was an awful idea but were too scared to say anything. I'm sure it was a huge sigh of relief when we ended it.

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 9:02 AM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Hmm, that's interesting. No, we never called off our engagement.

Personally, I think issues like this come from people getting engaged too early in a relationship. I know people who have had 'on-again, off-again' engagements, and all of those people were couples who got engaged within a year or two of meeting one another. My personal opinion is that they simply weren't ready to be getting engaged or married in the first place, which explains the wishy-washy relationship. I don't know anyone who dated 4+ years before getting engaged who has repeatedly called off a wedding. I'm sure they're out there, but I just don't know them.

I will say this: while we did not ever consider calling off our engagement, we did break up a couple times in our first year of dating. For us, the first couple years of dating were the 'trial' period - not the engagement. We were young, each had our own agendas, and we weren't certain about how the other one would fit into the plans we had made for ourselves. I think we each broke up with the other one once in our first year of dating. When we got back together the second time, we had a serious talk about our expectations for the relationship and the future. Over the years, we got more serious and eventually (once we were both met certain career goals) we got engaged and then married. But any issues with the relationship itself were worked out YEARS before getting engaged. Not to say that we always agree, because we don't - but we wouldn't have gotten engaged in the first place if we had second thoughts about the relationship and future marriage.

Good topic, anyway. I agree that a lot of issues can be worked out and couples can reconcile, but if issues have repeatedly come up that have caused you to break off your engagement, it would be wise to notice the red flags.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

Reply


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 2:45 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Nope, we were certain about our decision. We were engaged about 8 months. Hadn't dated a long time either. We did know each other through high school, but never dated each other. Once we finally did, we knew what we wanted.

I'd be curious to know if the people calling off and on again engagements, are also the people, or some of the people, who threaten divorce repatedly as well.

We fight, sure, but if the fights were about whether or not we wanted to be engaged or stay married, I'm sure I'd be rethinking the whole topic. I am sure it works for some, it just wouldn't work for me or for us.


 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

Reply


kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 8:25 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Nope. Not ever. And not only did we never even think of calling off our engagement, we also dont know ANYONE else who went through this type of thing either. The only thing I can think of to even slightly compare to this is those couples in junior high and high school who were constantly breaking up and then getting back together. We knew one couple who literally broke up over 20x and then would get back together. This went on for years. I dont think they ended up together in the end, but honestly, I tend to think of this as typical high school behavior, or the behavior of people who tend to be drama queens (overdramatic) by nature. Meaning, there is a difference between literally calling off your engagement (cancelling deposits, moving on with life, whatever else is involved...) and just SAYING in the heat of the moment "Thats it! Im caling this off!" as some sort of threat or whatever. I dont know ... I tend to think that people who do this maybe need attention or they arent ready to be married in the first place, like Art said. It seems kind of immature, especially to do over and over again. Makes no sense to me.

DH and I dated long distance for almost 6 years, then he moved from Florida to NJ, to move in with me, and we were engaged about 7months after he moved in. We have been married since 2006. Once we got to the point where we were ready to move in together, we were VERY ready and also very sure of each other, adn I cant see any reason why either one of us would call it off.

Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com  

See our funny Wedding Wed-isode @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OokYNI91ztU&NR=1

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel for standup comedy clips,sketches,and more @ www.youtube.com/kelleyfunnylady

 

Co-Founder and Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People.

"Children are just like adults, minus the crushing failure." - Stephen Colbert

  

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 9:23 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Ladies,

I'll add this. I've mentioned in prior posts my (hmmm.. word? hmmm... "issues") issues with the Perpetually Engaged. These are people who get engaged, but never seem to hunker down and get actually married. They go year after year referring to each other as fiancé/fiancée but never set a date, never get a license, never actually take the next step.

These type tend to break it off, periodically. Usually it's because one wants to get really married, and the other is too chicken. Neither is willing to totally break up, so they go back to the push-pull of the Perpetually Engaged.

Personally, I just ignore the drama. I don't really consider a couple to be truly engaged unless they are actively planning an upcoming wedding, have a date set or are working towards a goal that coincides with the wedding. Vague plans for a wedding "someday" when there's no real good reason for not getting married now is not a true engagement, not in my opinion. But I keep my opinion to myself.

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 9:27 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Ladies,

Reading this thread reminded me of another one. The Serial Engagement.

I had a roommate in college who couldn't sleep with a guy unless they were "engaged". She went through six, count 'em, six "engagements" during the time I knew her over about four years. At one point she was "engaged" to two different guys at one time.

Her explanation: She wasn't quite sure which one she'd marry, but loved them both. And slept with them both.

I heard through The Grapevine that she eventually married someone else entirely. Her FB page has her maiden name and (I guess) a married last name.

Reply


JoelsPrettyPres... Posts : 41 Registered: 12/2/09
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 2:17 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

AOTB, You mentioned something interesting that had not crossed my mind before. People who are engaged yet never working toward the wedding, no planning, date set, deposits, ect.

I know a lot of girls who have done this, I have always thought it is because they feel their relationship will be taken more seriously if they say they are engaged. Or perhaps like you mentioned in your other post it is because they are sleeping or living with the guy and believe being engaged makes it seem more stable or appropriate.

That said I do have to say one other thing:
I personally believe that if you have been a stable couple, made the decision to be engaged, set the date, began the planning, put deposits down, and then had a fight in which your engagement was called off doesn't mean your addicted to drama, and it doesn't mean your not ready to get married persay. In that circumstance in particular it is an oppertunity for that couple to learn and grow with each other, just as in marriage. And yes if they sit down and discuss with each other that it isn't what is best, then the marriage wasnt meant to be. However if their engagement being called off, in the heat of the moment or whenever, leads to them having an open honest discussion about their fears or confusion, then how are they not ready? How is that couple in high school drama? They are talking things out, growing as a couple, isn't that what your years of married life together are going to be? Growing and learning from and with each other?

I know there are poeple out there who fight and make up all the time, and who say they are engaged but never follow through. But I just don't think it is right to judge peoples marriage, or future one, by the fact that they split up while engaged. I mean whose to say a couple who broke off their engagement 5 times wont be married for 50yrs, or that a couple who was certain in their decision won't get divorced after 8yrs? No one knows that, it depends on the couple, not weather or not their engagement went smoothly.

Daisypath Wedding tickers

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 3:35 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

But I just don't think it is right to judge peoples marriage, or future one, by the fact that they split up while engaged.

I don't think anybody is judging people who call off their wedding and later end up together. You brought the subject up, and people are simply giving their opinions. Personally, I can't take a couple seriously if their relationship status is constantly changing. That doesn't mean that they won't eventually get their act together, get married, and live happily ever after - it just means that I'll roll my eyes (privately) every time I hear that they're planning another 'wedding.'

Actually, I'm not that clear on what we're talking about, here. When you ask whether anybody called off their wedding - either once or numerous times - are you talking about people who actually planned a wedding, totally canceled it (as in losing deposits, not wearing rings, etc), and later resolved their dispute, fixed their relationship, and planned another wedding? Or are you talking about engaged couples having a fight and in the heat of the moment someone says, 'I don't want to marry you anymore!' and they make up immediately after the fight is over? For the purposes of this discussion, is that calling off an engagement? Or does the decision need to be made public, or the breakup last for a certain amount of time? Sorry, but I'm just not sure who we're talking about.

In any case, my answer is still no. We never called off our engagement, either seriously or during a fight. Nor did we ever break up, once we were a serious couple. (As I mentioned in my PP, we did break up twice during our first year, when we were trying to figure out where the other one will fit into our lives and future plans) Neither of us has ever threatened ending the relationship - or actually ended it. I don't believe that words like that should be tossed around in the heat of the moment, and I wouldn't marry someone who did.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

Reply


MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 4:00 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

True story:

Hubs has a coworker, "B", who has a fiance, "G". When I first met her, I asked her and G about the wedding, and they were vague; they hadn't really planned anything and just seemed to shrug their shoulders about the whole actually getting married thing. When we left that night, the minute we walked out, I said to hubs, "I'm calling it right now -- they're not getting married."

Over the next year, B & G had drama constantly. Many times she'd call hubs about another fight the two of them had. I'd hear about her going out without wearing her engagement ring. Then she moved out. At which point I asked hubs "are they still engaged?" and he said, as far as he knew, yes, they were. Then came the night when G asked for the ring back.

Then fast-forward six months. They're engaged again! G bought a house, she moved in. Still, neither seems particularly excited about marriage. But she is planning a wedding, and appears excited about that, of course.

(Personally, everyone I know think's G's gay, but that's another story.)

So, they're planning a wedding for this fall. There's a wedding date and we've been told informally to save it. I think the whole thing is a fiasco, but I'll happily go to eat the food and cake.

One other story:

Another friend of mine was engaged, but her family and his family had major issues. On the day before the wedding, it was called off, and they broke up. Then, the next thing I knew, they eloped in St. Thomas. As a husband and wife, they are much better at standing up to their folks than they were while engaged, and I feel better about their prospects for happiness now than I did at any point during their engagement, honestly.

So, wrapping it all up, I'll say this much -- I don't think that calling off an engagement is any predictor of marital success/happiness. But, I do think that it signals in a very public way that there are issues that need to be addressed, so it's no real suprise when people are skeptical about their relationship.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

Reply


JoelsPrettyPres... Posts : 41 Registered: 12/2/09
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 4:20 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Art,

I know people were giving their opinions, and that's what I wanted, I gave mine too.

I didn't mean a specific type of calling off exactly. I wanted to know the amount of both, just feeling out the numbers for my paper. I was curious to see how many have had a complete call off, with lost deposits and announcements, and how many have tossed it around in the heat of a fight. I wanted to know to gage if either actually had an impact on the marriage. Weather negative or positive.

Such as the couple breaking up and getting back together the day after the fight like you said, if that happens multiple times does that horribly effect their marriage? I believe it could but doesnt automatically mean it will. Thus I wanted women to share their experience with this type call off.

On the otherside I wanted to know weather an announcement and lost deposits kind of calling off then getting back together effected the marriage negatively? Or did it strengthen it?

Basically I was wanting womens opinions on the matter, which is what I got, I also wanted a rough number of called off engagements, and the type (ie:heat of the moment, or serious issues). I really wanted womens views who have been in either one of those situations before. I mean this is a brides website so what better place to pole poeple about such a question right?

So I apologize if through type I sound judgmental or confrontational, I was giving my opinion as well. But perhaps I should remain neutral because it is my paper and I started the thread. Anymore thoughts, opinions, or stories about your engagements I would love to still hear them! This is a large assignment for my sociology class so I really do greatly appreciate it.

Daisypath Wedding tickers

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 4:23 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Dear PPB,

Here's the deal.

Some couples get engaged before it's practical to get married. A good example are those who want to finish college before they get married. Other examples might be need to get a divorce finalized, or finish military training.

This, to me, is a legit engagement: "We will get married when we finish college in 2013."

They are making normal progress towards their degrees. They are taking classes, passing them, and moving on to the next classes. They are on schedule. As they get into their senior year, they start making concrete plans. They set a date, get funding, whatever. Or: the divorcing person has filed all the paperwork, and it's a matter of getting a court date, going though a waiting period, etc.

Great.

Now, let's consider another couple. "We will get married when we finish college."

But they never finish college. They are in their mid-30s and still taking a few classes here and there, but never quite reaching the degree or certificate. This goal of finishing college and then getting married stretches on and on into the indefinite future. What they do is, of course, their business but in the privacy of my own thoughts (which is my business) I don't really think of them as truly engaged.

Or: A real-life scenario in my own life. I know a 33-year old woman who has three babies with her live-in boyfriend. They can't get married because he is married to someone else. Mind you, the oldest child is six and a half years old. So, for ~7 years, they've been "engaged" and will get married in some vague point in the future when Turdhead gets his act together and gets a divorce.

And then there are couples who are well old enough to get married. They are done with school. They have jobs. They might even have children. They own a house together. But, they go around saying they are "engaged" but never actually get married, nor make concrete plans. Again, in the privacy of my own thoughts I don't really think of them as truly engaged.

" They are talking things out, growing as a couple, isn't that what your years of married life together are going to be? "

There are couples who are working towards a wedding, truly, but have a big fight, then reconcile. That's fine. People do that. That happens. I'm not really concerned about the subject of the fight unless (in my opinion) there is serious damage done.

OK fight:"We had a big fight because we have different ideas of how to manage money. We have gone into financial counseling and are working out our differences." Great, says I, and by the way where are you registered?

Not OK fight: "He beat me up, which broke my jaw, and told me it was my fault for making him mad." That's the point where I would interject my own opinion into the relationship, calling the police to arrest him for domestic violence assault and haul his ass off to jail.

Reply


JoelsPrettyPres... Posts : 41 Registered: 12/2/09
Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 4:25 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

MrsD, those stories were fantastic exactly what I was curious about. So what makes you think he is gay?

AOTB, thank you too! Those were some great views and opinions, I'll be quoting you for sure in my paper. hope you don't mind.


Daisypath Wedding tickers



Edited by: JoelsPrettyPrescottBride on Apr 8, 2010 4:28 PM

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine