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Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?

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Kirin Posts : 2 Registered: 5/16/09
Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Mar 19, 2010 5:34 PM

In the heat of an argument, my fiance told me to leave. Here's what happened. What had started as a calm discussion turned into a heated argument. He feels I don't trust him 100%. I explained that is correct, I don't trust him. We had dated 2 years ago and he totally ripped my heart out. Dumped me through email 2 days before Thanksgiving. Two months later (after absolutely no contact from him - he ignored mine) he shows up on my doorstep saying how sorry he was, he made a mistake. He's taken the time to think about us and his life and realized what a fool he was. I told him that he broke my heart, as well as my trust in him. I was honest and told him that I am the type of person (unfortunately) that takes a long time for trust to be at 100% after it's been shattered. He said he can understand that and wanted to us to get back together and he will show that I have nothing to fear (heartache) by building a relationship with him. 2 months after being together, he told me that he wanted us to think about getting married. I agreed; the thought warmed my heart. About 5 month after we got back together (and 3 months after the marriage idea), I find out something about him that was out of left field. And yes, I found it out by snooping. I never thought he was that type of person. I felt he lied to me by never telling me that about him. We nearly broke up that night, but worked through it. He proposed to me to me a few months later.

We've been blissfully planning our wedding. We paid for our ceremony and reception site. Bought and have my wedding gown, all the works. We both have so much fun planning the wedding and buying the 'stuff' for it. We get excited talking about our honeymoon. He calls me his wife-to-be. Tells me (and I him) how we will be together for the rest of our lives and that thought couldn't be more perfect.

To reiterate, our argument the other day was about my not trusting him (it wasn't what I had regionally wanted to talk about, but he told me that I don't trust him and that is what we're arguing about and why he doesn't think we should get married(. I explained that because of his history and actions in the past, no I don't trust him 100%, but I'm working on it. He said how can we be married if I don't trust him 100%. I mentioned the things that he has done and asked how he can expect me to just pretend those things didn't happen? I'm afraid they may happen again. I'm working on believing that they won't. He said if I 'don't trust him, then leave'. We live together. We we're planning to marry in a couple of months. I cannot believe that after everything that we've said, done, and shared that he can so easily tell me to leave. After arguing for about 30 minutes, I ask if this is what he really wants? He wants to end out life together? He said he needs to think.

I am wondering if I should be thinking about this too. Should I be with someone who destroyed my trust, and is so unreasonable about how I feel that he is able to say leave? Just like that? We've had 5 arguments in our 2 year relationship. I think having 5 arguments (he reminded me of the number, I wasn't keeping record) is normal. I do not expect to agree with every word that comes out of his mouth (and vice versa) and if we cannot resolve it by discussing it, then 5 times it resulted in a heated argument. I don't want to end our life together. I believed and trusted him in that I can speak about anything with him, and he would talk about it without ever again telling me to get the fuck out. While I want to see if he wants to talk about this and, make certain this is something he wants to do. Maybe it should be something I want to do. I cannot live in fear that if I bring up a subject that pisses him off, he will tell me to just leave, and not blink an eye when he does it. It makes me feel worthless and really, makes me feel as tough his loves is not strong and not something that I can rely on and trust in.

I don't know what I should do. I feel like I want to be a weakling and crawl into bed and cry. And then beg him not to do this. But I am not happy begging. I don't feel as though I should plead to save this. I feel if I have to plead with him, then this is just not worth it. I don't feel as though I should have to convince him. I don't know. He's at work and said this morning that instead of taking the day off for me to pack, we'll talk tonight. I don't know if he meant we'll talk how to get me out of our house faster or talk about our relationship.

Just to throw this in this ventlog; my wedding shoes came in via FedEx today. I sent him a picture through the cell, he didn't respond. I didn't say anything in the picture. What I did want to type was 'looks like we won't be needing these'. But that's childish and will resolve nothing, I know. We were so excited when we finally found my heels; because we've been looking for 7 months. I thought it might pull his heartstrings a little to see them. I guess I am wrong. Maybe I should try my hardest to walk away from our life as he seeming is going to be able to do.

Please don't be harsh in any criticism, I have no heart left to withstand more pain.

advice , relationship , engaged
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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Mar 19, 2010 5:43 PM Go to message in response to: Kirin

Well, I don't know what you found out by snooping, you didn't say, therefore I don't know how it would affect me. Snooping generally won't end well. And, it shows that more has been damaged really, I mean, do you honestly think you can ever fully trust him?

DIsappearing for the time he did, would have definitely affected me though. I don't know what I would have done or if I'd of given him the additional chance you did. Why do you want to be with him? I mean, he seems quite cold and quite willing to turn this into "your" problem, when he is the one who did what he did. On the other hand, if you really can't trust him, then I don't see it working either.

And finally, I wouldn't take a day off work for this either. I just wouldn't. I have too much work responsibility to do something like that. So I don't blame him for that one. The rest of it? I would seriously think about what good things in him there are, and if you can live like that, with the threat of his getting angry and either throwing you out of your own home, or, taking off and disappearing like that. It seems like a good method of control and fear for you by him, but not the actions of a loving fiance or husband. Good luck. Do figure out what you want, though. It seems right now this is all about what he wants. That is a pretty big red flag for me reading it, although, some details are missing so some of this may not be as accurate. ( my take on it, that is)

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relationship , engaged , march_2007 , advice
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Mar 19, 2010 6:01 PM Go to message in response to: Kirin

Dear Kirin,

" We had dated 2 years ago and he totally ripped my heart out. Dumped me through email 2 days before Thanksgiving. Two months later (after absolutely no contact from him - he ignored mine) he shows up on my doorstep saying how sorry he was, he made a mistake"

I got this far.

Dump him.

Forget about wedding deposits, forget about shoes. Just dump him.

If he's this big a rat during the time you are dating and engaged, he will be ten times worse after a few years of marriage. I am 55 years old and have seen many people try to save relationships that are doomed. Save yourself some time.

Dump him and move on.

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Kirin Posts : 2 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Mar 19, 2010 6:03 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Yeah, unfortunately I won't say what I found out. If anyone were to recognize me (us) in this post and knew what I found out about him, it would ruin him. I won't do that to him. The best I can say, is he hid something that affected my perception of who I thought he was. I felt he lied to me by not telling me. It is something you do not hide from the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

It's not good to snoop. You damn well better be prepared for the outcome of what you may find, snooper. I felt he was hiding something from me, and I was right. With my snooping logic with me, I still wasn't prepared for what I found out. Never in a hundred years would I have ever thought he was that type of person. It wasn't a good argument. During that argument he told me that if I can't live with the thought, then leave. My reply was I really didn't know. I've never been in a situation like that, and really he couldn't expect more of me, or he would have told that unmentionable to me at some point in our relationship. We did work through that one. It took nearly a day to resolve that argument. He's not the type to just talk about it and resolve things. He always wants arguments to be my fault. I brought up the subject last night, he turned it into my not trusting him with all my heart, therefore, I cancelled the wedding. Had I known I was cancelling our weding by broaching that subject last night, I think I would have thought twice about it. And then get pissed that if I want to talk about something it is going to turn into a cancellation of our life.

relationship , engaged , may_2010 , march_2007 , advice
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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Mar 19, 2010 6:42 PM Go to message in response to: Kirin

If you don't trust someone, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them let alone marry them. I think you would just be setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness. I was with someone who abruptly left me and a couple of months later came back. He also lied about things all of the time. I was never able to trust him, was stressed out all the time thinking about what he was hiding next and wondering if he would leave me again. Needless to say the relationship didn't last and I am so grateful that it didn't. Without trust, you have nothing.

relationship , engaged , october_2011 , may_2010 , march_2007 , upstate_hudson_valley , advice
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Mar 19, 2010 6:55 PM Go to message in response to: Kirin

I am having trouble following most of this but the gist of it is you were snooping and found out something that was a shock to you. You had no idea that your guy was that type of person, so you say. You must have had an idea or you wouldn't have started snooping. People don't start looking for stuff unless they have reason to believe it is there. So you didn't trust him. You two should never have even gotten engaged until you worked out the trust issues. You did and now you are having problems.

Trust is the backbone of a relationship, if you don't have it it won't work. You don't trust this man, why would you want to marry him? He doesn't want you so why are you even questioning whether you should fight for this relationship. There is no relationship, there are two miserable people who don't have the basis for a lasting relationship.

He did you a favor by telling you to leave. Take him at his word and go. You will be better off. It might hurt right now but believe me in a few months you will feel so much better about this and about you. You deserve so much better than this. Take your time figure out what you want out of life and then demand it. Don't settle. Life is too short.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

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southern_shore_new_jersey , october_1997 , relationship , engaged , advice
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AdriansWife2012 Posts : 22 Registered: 5/6/09
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Mar 20, 2010 12:10 AM Go to message in response to: Kirin

The best thing that I can tell you is if you are second guessing before your married....dont do it, or at least put it off untill you feel that you can trust him and its the right thing to do...(if that time comes)

october_2009 , relationship , florida , engaged , advice
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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Mar 20, 2010 7:21 PM Go to message in response to: Kirin

Kirin, it's a shame that your boyfriend is hurting you so badly over and over again, it seems. The one thing you said that made me raise an eyebrow was when you said you know you don't trust him completely, but you're working on it.

You don't need to "work on" trusting someone. They need to work on earning your trust back. You need to make sure you make fair judgements about him, but by no means should you be doing all the work in learning how to trust him again. If you end up "trusting" him one day by that means, then it would be more like forgetting what the original issue was, like how an old pain doesn't hurt so much after a while--not genuine trust.

If he's not trying to earn your trust back, then he's not worth it. Why did he break up with you in the first place? Why the two-month delay with no contact? You don't have to tell us the answers to those questions, but think about it yourself. Did he ever explain everything to you fully? And if he's hiding something this big from you, that you had to find out by snooping, then what else might he be hiding, or eventually hide? Because of those questions, I don't think it would be possible to ever trust him. And if you can't do that because he wasn't truthful to you about everything in the first place, then he doesn't deserve your trust.


Please let us know how your talk went, though.


relationship , advice , engaged , florida , january_2010
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onlyone1147 Posts : 13 Registered: 10/12/11
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Oct 12, 2011 5:40 PM Go to message in response to: Kirin

yes, If you love him, you should fight. Everyone says rotten things during fights, what about couples therapy. pre marriage-counselling. I'm getting it.not tom mention you are under extreme stress..

best wishes

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TashaAL Posts : 6 Registered: 2/6/12
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Mar 14, 2012 12:09 AM Go to message in response to: Kirin

Everyone here has very valid points. :-/

Especially when the person who you are supposed to trust and rely on more than anyone else in the word has hurt you so deeply.

It almost seems like hes so adamant about you trusting him completely so that he himself doesn't have to deal with the consequences of the mistakes he's made. If you "move on" or "forget" about it, then he can simply do that as well - and perhaps continue to do those same things in the future if he knows you can let it slide.

Like what was said by someone above me...it shouldn't be just you working on trust. Your insecurities did not come from some past relationship rather you are feeling insecure because of what HE directly did to you. If its something worth fighting for, he should fight too - he needs to help you build that trust.

Just trust your heart and gut. :-/
...and rely on lots of hugs from friends and family.

wish you luck

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Mar 14, 2012 2:32 PM Go to message in response to: TashaAL

Ladies,

The OP was from March, 2010, two years ago.

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EncoreDT Posts : 117 Registered: 5/29/12
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Jun 20, 2012 6:26 PM Go to message in response to: Kirin

My understanding is that trust is earned, and once it's lost, it has to be "earned back". If your fiancee did not put forth the effort to earn back your trust, you are perfectly justified in keeping your distance. I'm a strong believer in the fact that people deserve a second chance, but the second chance, too, must be earned.


Diamond Rings
Engagement Rings

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JenniferWillson Posts : 2,083 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Need advice: Should I fight to save our ended engagement?
Posted: Sep 24, 2012 6:20 PM Go to message in response to: Kirin

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