In-Law Venting

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StarlitHolly Posts : 47 Registered: 2/23/10
In-Law Venting
Posted: Mar 15, 2010 10:08 PM

Okay, so I've been married for two months and two weeks (plus a few days). And a week after tying the knot, I moved from BC to Hawaii (which is where dH has lived all his life).
I'm immigrating here, which means that until I get my work visa I can't work. So I'm a stay-at-home wife - which I love. I have always wanted to be a homemaker, and I plan on being a stay-at-home mom when we have children.
dH and I have been friends for almost 5 years, romantically involved for 2-ish. Luckily, he got to spend a good amount of time with my family, and I have a great relationship with my parents so they knew all about dH and everything.
dH's family didn't know me very well, and although I adore my MIL, she still doesn't know me very well.
I know (from long conversations with her) that her first few years of marriage were kind of rough, lots of fighting and arguing and such, and that she has worked all through their marriage, just taking time off while the kids were babies.
So anyway, she doesn't understand me at all. We go to their home every week after Mass, and when we're leaving to go home, she always asks me in a very concerned tone "How you doing? Are you doing okay?"
I always grin and say I'm doing great, and she always says "Okay, well hang in there. Hang in there, okay?" and gives me a hug.
I think she has this fear that dH is not treating me well, or being really bossy, or we're fighting, or I'm completely unhappy... And I have no idea why!!!
We are the cuddliest, hand-holdingest couple you've ever seen, when we're at his parents house we giggle on the couch together, I am a perpetual fountain of smiles and have been since we got married...
Anytime I post photos on Facebook or anywhere, people comment and say "Wow, Holly you look so happy/you're glowing/you are so in love!"

Why can't my MIL see that???
Anyone else have similar experiences?

✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ the world is made of faith and trust and pixie dust ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩

21. Canadian. Living in Hawaii. Stay-At-Home Wife.

Edited by: HollyElise on Mar 16, 2010 1:44 AM


StarlitHolly Posts : 47 Registered: 2/23/10
Re: In-Law Venting
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 1:46 AM Go to message in response to: StarlitHolly


Dear FIL -

Hi. This is your adult daughter-in-law. Yes. Adult.
in, has worked 3 jobs all at the same time, has had more than one
full-time job, has attended college, and has lived on her own.
know how to buy groceries, I know how to pay bills, I know how to
jump-start a car, I know how to budget, I know how to be goddamn neighborly, and YES I know that we can't park on the street in front of our house between 3:30pm and 5:30pm on weekdays.
I also know that you work hard and like your time off to be relaxing.
I'm sorry that your evening was interrupted by a phone call from your
son, asking you to pick him up and drive him to where he could get our
car because it was towed. But you know what?
For one thing, he's never done this before. For another, you're his father AND you are on the vehicle registration so who the hell else is he going to call?
I'm sure that your son has explained the whole situation to you, but let me run it by you again.
Monday. Which means that usually, your son would have gone to work
today. However, since it's the first Monday of Spring Break and your
son, like you, is a teacher, he didn't. Which means we forgot, the car
stayed in the street, and got towed. And boy do we feel stupid about it.
think maybe this doesn't affect our lives? Maybe we had nothing better
to do but get our only vehicle towed? I have laundry to do and
groceries to buy, both of which can't be done without that car.
yeah, I'm a little ticked at you. I'm ticked that you the way you told
my Lil-Sis-in-Law about the situation caused her to talk to me in a
completely condescending way about "living and learning". I'm ticked
because I'm sure that this incident will be brought up more than once.
I'm ticked because you and Mom already treat us like kids who don't
know how to live in the real world and I'm sure this won't help that.
But let me ask you - this has never happened to you?
You left your keys in your car and it got stolen for God's sake. And you never lock your car doors. So let me ask you this - who would you be calling if your car got stolen and you were left stranded?
Probably one of your sons.
Think about that.

  • your Daughter-In-Law, who is less upset now then when she began writing this but is still upset.

I will not be sending this - but this is how I am feeling as of right now.

✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ the world is made of faith and trust and pixie dust ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ 

21. Canadian. Living in Hawaii. Stay-At-Home Wife.


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: In-Law Venting
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 9:26 AM Go to message in response to: StarlitHolly

Dear Holly,

" she always asks me in a very concerned tone "How you doing? Are you doing okay?" "

She wants to know if you are pregnant, and is too polite to come right out and ask in so many words.

"and she always says "Okay, well hang in there. Hang in there, okay?" and gives me a hug. "

In other words, "Maybe next month!".

She sounds like a real sweetie.


BWFrancie Posts : 70 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: In-Law Venting
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 10:15 AM Go to message in response to: StarlitHolly

I don't think I would get too upset about this. There may be many reasons why your MIL is concerned about you. But it sounds like she is really trying to embrace you. It could be because of her experiences. It could be because she really wants you to like her and wants to take care of you. Who knows! Just give it some time. I'm sure she understands that it is hard to be away from your family in a new state. Spend some time with her alone... maybe go shopping or to lunch. Give her a chance to see you really are adjusting well. And let her take care of you a little bit. Good luck!


JosesGirl Posts : 582 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: In-Law Venting
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 11:32 AM Go to message in response to: StarlitHolly

First off, I just have to say that I HATE threads where people bitch about their inlaws. I don't have a MIL or FIL, as my MIL passed away when my husband was 6 and his dad split soon after. Some of you don't realize how lucky you are to have that extra family there, although they may be annoying and meddling at times. I really wish my MIL was alive, (especially now that I am a mother, and would love for my children to have the family from my husband's side) and it just really irks me when people complain about their in-laws. Sorry if I seem a little bitchy, but I am 5 months prego and I have a tendency to speak my mind these days.

Now in your particular case, I have to agree with the others that she just seems genuinely concerned and sweet. I mean, you just got married and moved less than 3 months ago (which is A LOT to adjust to by itself), and since you have to wait for your Visa before you can work, you MAY be feeling a little out of sorts about not working at the moment. She's probably just checking in and making sure that things are ok and letting you know that if you need to talk, she's there to listen.


Lori82 Posts : 151 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: In-Law Venting
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 12:30 PM Go to message in response to: JosesGirl

I think the original poster was just coming on here looking for advice and to vent. It's better that she vent on here than say these things to their faces. I really don't think she was trying to de-value the fact that she has in-laws. I am very sorry to hear about what happened to your husband's parents. That must of been an awful things for a young child to have to deal with, and I'm sure some of that pain will never go away. I'll be the first to admit that my mother-in-law gets on our nerves quite a bit and that she has been very very difficult to handle lately. However, I would never complain that I have in-laws. I don't think the original poster was doing that either. Sometimes in-laws can be wonderful, while other in-laws can be a thorn in your side. Everyone has a right to come on here and express that, just as you have the right to express irritation at our venting.

Anyway, Holly, I think your mother-in-law is just expressing concern. You have been through alot. Just give it some time, though I'm sure it's annoying to have her speak to you in that tone all the time! She may be thinking that because the first few years of her marriage were rough that yours must be too. I'm sure with time when she finally sees that everything is still ok she will back off a little. That sucks about your father-in-law and the car! I could see my mother-in-law doing something like that...making a big flippin deal out of a simple mistake. Hang in there!!!


Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: In-Law Venting
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 4:08 PM Go to message in response to: JosesGirl

So because you don't have in-laws and some people do that means they have to give up all rights to complain, on an anonymous message board, if they get annoyed with them??? That doesn't make any sense to me...I love my FH and I complain to my friends when he gets on my nerves. If someone were to tell me that I could never get upset with him and instead had to poop sunshine and rainbows regardless of what he did/said etc, I'd tell them to do a bit more than pound sand (to borrow from AOTB =)

Anyway, OP, I also agree that you're probably reading too much into your MIL's questions/comments. From an objective perspective it sounds like she's really happy that you're with DH and she's concerned for you because of all of the major life changes you've been through in a short time (you might be fine, but those are big life items!). Granted it might be a bit annoying to have her ask you all the time, but I think you should file this one under "slightly annoying but coming from a good place".

As for FIL...some people's response to situations is just plain unhelpful. My FMIL is like that (yes, I'm complaining about her because it irritates me. that doesn't make me ungrateful, it just makes me irritated with that particular behaviour). She is never wrong, but she's the first person to criticize you if you mess up. She doesn't seem to get that yes, I made mistake X but rubbing that in my face isn't actually going to remedy the situation. At first I just ignored it, but now I let her know that her comments aren't helpful. You could try treating FIL like a 5yr old and remind him that if he has nothing nice to say then he shouldn't say anything at all.



~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~


MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: In-Law Venting
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 4:55 PM Go to message in response to: StarlitHolly

Sounds like she's projecting. People do it all the time. Like when they tell you you should have kids (cause they love being a mom!) or that you shouldn't get married (cause they got divorced) or you shouldn't give up your job (because they did and now they can't find one) or you should/shouldn't buy a house, get a dog, own a white couch, get a prenup, etc., etc..

I think it's kinda human nature to think that everyone experiences things the same way and/or that people should make the same choices you do. It's really annoying, but I think everyone at one time or another does it.

Smile, accept her comments graciously knowing she's acting in your best interests, and fume to your friends in private. :-)


"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson


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