Invited to shower but not wedding

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Mar 12, 2010 6:35 PM

Ya'll know I am not an expert on etiquette. So, I will ask the experts. I have been invited to attend a surprise bridal shower given by a very good friend of mine. The bride is my friend's sister, who I am friends with but not close to. My two younger sisters have also been invited to this surprise shower.

The wedding is going to be small and family only. I am sure we won't be invited to that. The bride to be did mention having a bbq sometime after the wedding to invite "everybody" but she has never said we would be invited to that.

I am just wondering what ya'll think about this. What type of gift should I take? I love my friend, and I don't mind atttending a shower when I am not inviting to a wedding. But I feel a little awkward not knowing how much I should spend on a gift. Please give me some advice!


Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Mar 12, 2010 7:14 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Dear FE,

The bride and her sister are out of line having a shower and inviting people not invited to the wedding. That's "not done".

"You're good enough to provide a gift, but not good enough to witness our ceremony."

If you still want to attend, great, but if I were you I'd give an inexpensive token gift. $10 max.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Mar 12, 2010 7:29 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I often agree with AOTB, but I disagree here.

You say the wedding is family only? Even though it may be technically bad etiquette for you to be invited to the shower, if the wedding is that small, I wouldn't object to being invited to the shower and I would just base the size of the gift on my usual standard: how close I am to the bride.

If, however, I knew the wedding was more sizeable and included both family and friends, but I wasn't on the guest list and was invited to the shower, I would either not attend or would do the token $10 gift like Aunt is suggesting.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Mar 12, 2010 7:38 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

I just realized I missed the part about this being a surprise shower. In that case, the bride is having no say in the shower guest list. So in this case I would definitely base the size of my gift on my relationship to the bride (and on what you can reasonably afford, of course).

For someone I'm pretty good friends with, I probably spend around $50. For a good friend, more in the $100ish range. For an acquaintance, $30 to 40ish.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Mar 12, 2010 8:28 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Francie, you're a bigger woman than I am. I wouldn't go, because I think this is a pure gift-grab, even though it's not the bride's doing. I'd have other plans and send a nice card. When and IF I were invited to the barbecue (or whatever after party takes place), I'd show up with a smile and a nice gift.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Mar 12, 2010 8:44 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Dear HG,

Bear in mind that Francie Elaine does not know the bride. She knows the bride's sister, who is the shower hostess.

Thus, she is invited to a present-centered party for someone she not know well, nor someone who will invite her to the wedding.

I agree with Myra. Francie Elaine is a more generous person than I am. I would tell the sister that I'm terribly sorry, but I have something else planned that day.

How embarrassing for the bride! A surprise shower populated with her sister's friends bringing gifts. I'd die.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Mar 12, 2010 10:34 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

I sort of thought you guys would think this was tacky for the bride's sister to be having a surprise shower.. I do think it will probably shock and embarass the bride. I don't think the sister is intentionally trying to be tacky or grab gifts, I think she just thinks she is doing something nice for her sister.

Not sure what I will do. If I do go, I think I will show up with a very small token gift. Then, like Myra said, if I get invited to the bbq, I will take a better gift.

Thanks guys. I kind of knew but needed to hear it from the veterans!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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bosoxgirl Posts : 231 Registered: 2/3/10
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Mar 15, 2010 12:57 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

If you want to attend, no more than 15.00/20.00 on a gift. Get creative too! Here are some ideas I did for people I wasn't real chummy with but still attended...

I once found a pretty decorate box and wanted to "fill it" with goodies that the bride and groom could USE. The grocery store by me had a sale on spices and rubs. Since I knew the bride and groom loved to BBQ, I got them about 5 seasoning rubs, 3 types of BBQ sauces and two aprons. It cost under $20.00 and they really loved the gift!
At another shower, I did a "pasta basket." I really think all pasta taste the same (Except homemade, fresh pasta), so I bought store brand pastas (about 4 different kinds), unboxed them and wrapped them in clear baggies (you know the kind that you put cookies and candy in during xmas time?) I went to HomeGoods and bought 2 types of sauce and bought a Pasta serving bowl with the pasta spoon. That totaled close to 15.00/20.00.

 

  

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Mar 15, 2010 2:05 PM Go to message in response to: bosoxgirl

Very awesome idea! I wish I were more creative but maybe I can be!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 9:36 AM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Just a note on the surprise shower thing--its totally regional. I never heard of a non-surprise shower until I met my MIL who had never heard of a surprise one until she moved to NJ. And the whole aspect of the surprise shower doesn't normally shock or embarass the bride. Usually the bride knows it's coming but doesn't know when, but we all had our atennae up when being brought somewhere random by FH that day!

I've also know friends/family who specifically request a NON surprise shower here b/c they do feel embarassed. So we have the option I guess.

Baby showers are normally the same way here too.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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NicoleN1101 Posts : 44 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Mar 22, 2010 11:40 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I've been invited to small showers for co-workers, and people I knew threw a social group, knowing full well I wouldn't be invited to the wedding because the bride didn't know me THAT well. I usually chipped in on a gift or brought something small. A picture frame is always a nice inexpensive gift that most brides appreciate. Or since you said your sisters were also invited but did not know the bride well maybe the three of you could chip in on a slightly larger gift, or the gift basket idea. Maybe a date night basket idea, with movie tickets and a dinner gift card, not necessarily wedding related.


If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

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headoverheels8 Posts : 80 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Apr 1, 2010 12:13 AM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

I've been invited to a wedding shower and bachelorette party for a girl I was friends with in highschool but not invited to the wedding. Needless to say I didn't go to any of it. I would never go to any wedding events if I wasn't invited to the wedding.

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alymar Posts : 100 Registered: 3/2/10
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Apr 1, 2010 3:29 AM Go to message in response to: headoverheels8

Buy something off their registry - there are generally a wide range of items on the list. There are sometimes lesser expensive things on the list that would work. I have gone to simiular events and spent around 25 bucks or whatever I felt I wanted to spend if I found something that I felt was just right for her.


Friendship is a wonderful base for love...
When is my wedding
Wedding Ticker from WhenIsMyWedding.com

Edited by: alymar on Apr 1, 2010 3:31 AM

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Elbelle77 Posts : 222 Registered: 1/24/08
Re: Invited to shower but not wedding
Posted: Apr 1, 2010 8:45 AM Go to message in response to: alymar

IF you decide to go, definitely keep the gift small. Since you're good friends with the hostess, would you feel comfortable telling her that it's not appropriate to invite people that aren't invited to the wedding and may put the bride in an uncomfortable position?

I was once invited to a baby shower for a friend's SIL. I never met this girl in my life!! My friend kept telling me to come because she was so excited for her first niece and said I would be coming to celebrate her becoming an aunt!! Geez! Since we were good friends, I had no problem telling her that this shower was for the mother-to-be and her friends and family and I would not be comfortable attending and I don't think she would want some total stranger there either!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

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