Lack of support

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StephanieandJames Posts : 4 Registered: 2/19/10
Lack of support
Posted: Feb 21, 2010 10:41 PM

I am totally and completely frustrated. This is suppose to be one of the happiest times in our lives, but everyone else is making it super stressful.
Because of finances and stress level. we decided a destination wedding to the Dominican Republic was the best option for us. We were planning a wedding in our home town, but the cost was quickly reaching $20,000. My stress level was through the roof and I found a destination wedding planner who has made life much easier for me. We are having a wedding and reception in the Dominican for 100 people for under $5000 and that includes airfare, saving us $15,000 Its at one of the most exclusive resorts and we would normally not be able to afford something like this. Problem is, everyone has a question or a comment. "Why would you choose the Dominican", "Dont you think you are being selfish", "Thats waaaay to much money" (mind you the cost per person with airfare is around $1100 and they will be there 4 days). Its funny everyone has a comment, but no one was offering to pay for us to have a wedding in the states. I think that if you have a billion comments, I should see you giving me green!!!! It seems impossible to please everyone. For every person thats happy about it, we have 5 that has something negative to say. This is fast becoming emotionally draining and a very unhappy time for me. Im at the point of just saying "FORGET IT! Lets just go to the court house and go to the dominican on a honeymoon!"

Has anyone else had a problem similar to this, and how did you handle it?
Never believed in love until your love found me!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Feb 22, 2010 1:42 PM Go to message in response to: StephanieandJames

Dear Stephanie,

I can understand your frustration. You want what you want, but people won't go along.

But, let's look at this again. Instead of hosting a wedding in your hometown ($20k), you are, essentially, spreading the cost of the wedding to the guests. Each guest has to spend $1100, and four days of their lives. They also have to pay any costs of a passport ($100), babysitting, appropriate clothes, etc. Then, there's the value of their work vacation days, PTO, etc.

You have 100 guests, so that's $1100 x 100 = $110,000. A married couple would have to spend $2200, before getting you a gift, paying a babysitter, taking vacation days off, arranging for someone to take care of the dog for four days and so forth. However, should you have a $20k wedding in the US for 100 guests, that's $200/guest.

If the wedding was in your hometown, it would cost each guest about $100, including a gift for you, clothes, babysitting, etc. It would be only about six hours (give or take) out of their life instead of four days.

I would not attend a wedding like that, at that cost in time and money, for anyone except my own children. I wouldn't spend that kind of time and money for my brother, my BFF or a niece or nephew. I cannot imagine anyone from an ordinary middle class family spending that kind of money to attend a wedding. Especially in this economic environment, where everyone is worried about being one pink slip away from financial disaster. That's crazy.

" but no one was offering to pay for us to have a wedding in the states"

Why should anyone pay for your wedding? They'll buy you a nice gift and that's about all you can expect from other people.

My suggestion to you is that you are being unrealistic. There are other options besides a $20k wedding in the US and a $1100 (+) per person wedding in the DR.

You can have a nice wedding in the US for 100 guests for well under $20k.

I don't think your friends and relatives are being negative. I think they are being realistic. You really cannot expect people to spend that kind of money on you, especially if you cannot spend so much as an average of $20k / 100 = $200 per person on them.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Feb 22, 2010 2:03 PM Go to message in response to: StephanieandJames

Aunt is totally right. The economy really has people struggling right now, that's probably one reason why you are getting negative feedback. Personally, I would have to decline an invitation because I could not afford it at this point in my life. My DH was unemployment for seven months in 2009 and we are desperately trying to catch up with finances. So, I would be sad and I wouldn't say anything to hurt your feelings but I wouldn't be able to come.

If you decide to go through with the destination wedding, then just accept that it may just be you, your FH, and your very immediate family. If you are okay with that then you will have a great time. If you aren't okay with that then maybe you should re-evaluate what you want. Good luck.

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Jade1107 Posts : 205 Registered: 9/1/07
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Feb 22, 2010 2:26 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

I agree with Francie and Aunt. And, to top it off, I'm currently in the situation that you're putting your guests in. We have a good friend who is getting married this summer in Mexico (why they would choose to go to Mexico in the SUMMER is beyond me...)

Anyways, they've basically invited all of their friends and family and want to go to a 5 star resort (1500$ + per person). Honestly, it's not going to work for me. Not only do I not have vacation time on my contract but I'd also have to pay 1500$!!

However, it seems they're being relatively understanding when it comes to people not being able to attend. Very likely, it will end up being just them and close family. And, if they choose to have a little bbq to celebrate when they get home, I'm all for it, small gift included.

I know there are plenty of ladies on here who can give ideas and suggestions on how to have a nice wedding on a 5000$ budget. Dress included.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Feb 22, 2010 2:45 PM Go to message in response to: Jade1107

No matter how great of a deal it is for the plane fare, a lot of people are still NOT going to be able to afford it. There is no way in hell that I could afford to attend a wedding right now or anytime soon that would cost me $1100, especially if I had to take off a minimum of four days to attend it. Now Im losing money because Im not going to work all week, and neither is my husband. So, while it may look like a great deal for YOU and Im sure it is, think about your guests. Only immediate family might make the huge sacrifice to go out there for your wedding, and sometimes even they cant do it. Seriously, if that was my brother and he planned his wedding that way, I would probably have to tell him straight out "Um, I cant afford that. Theres no way I can come." It just couldnt happen in a realistic world right now.

So, I get your frustration, but I understand where the comments about your wedding are coming from too. Is it too late to change your plans or are you already locked in financially with this? I really think if its important to you for your family and close loved ones to be there, this is not the best plan. Bring it closer to home, local, and do something on a less grander scale. If you can do that and also cut your guest list some, $5000 can get you a pretty nice wedding, if youre willing to sacrifice in some areas.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Feb 22, 2010 3:25 PM Go to message in response to: StephanieandJames

Sorry, it sucks. But Aunt's right -- essentially you're transferring the costs you'd incur to the guests. Not suprised they don't like it.


Good luck.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Feb 22, 2010 3:53 PM Go to message in response to: StephanieandJames

This is suppose to be one of the happiest times in our lives, but everyone else is making it super stressful.

You can't imagine how many people say some variation of this statement. You're not alone. Personally, I think that most women have unreasonable expectations about how their life will be when they're about to get married, and then get disappointed when real life doesn't live up to the ideal. Sure, you are happy to be getting married, but that's where the happiness ends. You still have to deal with all the annoyances of day-to-day life. On top of that, mostly everybody ends up dealing with some sort of drama like yours. My advice: Forget how you're 'supposed to' be feeling and just live your life. Let yourself feel the highs and the lows, rather than feeling like you're 'supposed to' be happy all the time.

We are having a wedding and reception in the Dominican for 100 people for under $5000 and that includes airfare, saving us $15,000...mind you the cost per person with airfare is around $1100 and they will be there 4 days).

Sure, you're savings yourselves a ton of money...but the cost for your guests is much higher than it would be for them to attend a local wedding. I understand why your guests are frustrated.

Its funny everyone has a comment, but no one was offering to pay for us to have a wedding in the states.

If you feel this way, just ignore the comments - but be prepared for a lot of people to decline. You've made your decision and it sounds like it's the best one for you. Now your guests have to make the best decision for them. Personally, I would probably decline. If we were going to spend $2200 on a trip and take time off from work to do it, we'd prefer to choose our own destination, make our own plans, and not have a bunch of wedding activities to attend and be stuck at the same resort with a bunch of people we know that we wouldn't normally choose to vacation with. But that's me.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Feb 23, 2010 1:00 PM Go to message in response to: StephanieandJames

I agree with the PP's.

I'm currently about to spend $1500 dollars to visit the United States, for the entire summer, so I can be with my boyfriend, parents, and friends while I have a break from school. Granted, I am a college student, so money is already a bit hard to come by (in fact, it took me five months to scrape that money together, and I'm going to be close to broke when I come home), but I am happy to spend that amount to see the people I care for most.

That being said, if I were invited to a friend's wedding in the D.R., (whether this were a co-worker or my best friend since kindergarten) I would immediately decline. I have bills to pay, things to buy, and the only way I am spending that amount of money is if I am flying home to see my family/friends, for an extended amount of time. Even if I had disposable income, I would politely decline. I am not going to pay over a thousand dollars for four days of international travel/hassle to see one of my friends exchange vows. It's no offense to anyone involved, but with the economy the way it is, I am being a nazi about how much money I spend, and where.

My advice to you is: have your wedding in the D.R., if it really means that much to you, and be prepared to have a smaller guest list. Or, have your wedding stateside, set a budget of $8,000, and use the rest on your honeymoon to the D.R. There are plenty of women on this site who have planned/currently are planning weddings for less than $5,000, and they can give you awesome advice.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Feb 24, 2010 9:01 AM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

I had one more thought to add. I noticed your wedding date is the day before New Year's Eve. That particular date may make it very hard for people to to travel. Many people go visit relatives at that time of year for various holidays (mainly Christmas), and even if they don't, after all of the expenses that come with that time of year, you're bound to get a lot of heat from guests that you expect to spend $1100 to come to your wedding.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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Candy333 Posts : 31 Registered: 11/9/08
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Feb 28, 2010 4:17 AM Go to message in response to: StephanieandJames

Hi Stephanie,
like you I'm having a destination wedding. I am inviting my guest for 4 days and it will cost approx $1000 all inclusive. I completely understand your frustration, but I think you need to re-examine the benefits. I'm seeing it as the less people who come will actually save me money. Less bonbonieres to buy, less dinners to plan for at the hotel, less trips to plan. Keep your wedding plans as is, let the complainers complain and those who really want to and can afford it will be at your wedding having an amazing mini vacation. I'm hoping I can get my numbers down but right now everyone is trying to make it since it is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. lol so I'm hoping that as the time comes closer to actually book people will begin to decline.
Our wedding website is www.anikaandshernel.com check it out!

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Jane0605 Posts : 14 Registered: 10/1/09
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Feb 28, 2010 1:24 PM Go to message in response to: StephanieandJames

It has been my experience that people who want to be there will find a way. You can go ahead with your plans, but don't be surprised (and try not be hurt) that not very many people will be there. Or before you do... have talked to a couple wedding coordinators? Many times they are able to offer other alternates that meet all of your needs for a much lower price. You might be able to have your wedding here cheaper than you think. Good Luck!


 

 

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StephanieandJames Posts : 4 Registered: 2/19/10
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Mar 1, 2010 10:34 PM Go to message in response to: StephanieandJames

Thanks for all your comments. We are satisfied with the few people that have expressed interest in going. I truly understand those that dont feel the need to spend money to come to our wedding and we respect that and for that reason, we dont feel the need to go into debt to have a local wedding that is more for them than us.

All of my invites have booked the date, only a couple of his has, and he is ok with that. Like someone else who commented said, those that truly want to be there for us will be there!

We are going to have a reception here in the states for those that will not be attending and we will be showing pictures of the wedding on the over head projector.

In the end, the only thing that matters is if our parents are there.

Thanks again for all your comments and suggestions, we are finally completely happy with our decision and the reactions to our decisions......

Happy wedding ladies!
Never believed in love until your love found me!

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Mbvg Posts : 2 Registered: 3/9/10
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Mar 9, 2010 11:52 PM Go to message in response to: StephanieandJames

Stephanie, I'm new here and was going to introduce myself but then I came across your post and wanted to respond first! I too am having a destination wedding (Hawaii, this summer), but instead of inviting everyone (most of whom we knew wouldn't be able to come), we are having our wedding streamed online so our friends and families at home can watch it live. It's not a huge expense, so it might be something to consider. We are using a company called I Do Stream (www.idostream.com) and are only paying $200 (but we are providing the video camera and laptop).

We only invited our parents to join us since most of our friends either have small children or couldn't afford the trip. We've found that people are excited that they get to participate without the huge expense.

Anyway, I'll go introduce myself now! Good luck!

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StarlitHolly Posts : 47 Registered: 2/23/10
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Mar 10, 2010 3:35 AM Go to message in response to: Mbvg

Stephanie -
My dH and I got married over Christmas break this last year. His family is pretty much all located in Hawaii, and mine is all in BC, Canada. When we started talking wedding, we went back and forth on what to do to accomodate everyone while not spending too much money... And then quickly gave up.
Neither of our families are very well off, and many of our friends are college students or young marrieds - not a lot of money anywhere!
So what we did was decided that the wedding would be for us and our immediate families only. Parents and siblings - that's it. We didn't even have my grandparents there! (Sadly all of dH's grandparents are no longer with us.)
We then had a big reception for our Canadian friends a few days after the wedding, and are planning to have a big Hawaiian reception after school lets out.
All told, our whole wedding + airfare 6 people from Hawaii to BC + the first reception = under $5000.

Just remember that it is your day, you do it your way - you're the one who will be remembering this day for years to come. If it's important that your parents are there, but not really anyone else, then make it your priority to get your parents there and who cares about the rest of the guests?

✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ the world is made of faith and trust and pixie dust ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ 

21. Canadian. Living in Hawaii. Stay-At-Home Wife.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Lack of support
Posted: Mar 10, 2010 8:11 AM Go to message in response to: StephanieandJames

Stephanie:

Of course, getting married where you'd like to get married is not selfish. However, part of the destination wedding trade off is that you will have a smaller guest list. I can only think of one or two people who I would consider spending that much money to go to their wedding, and that is nothing against others I know. It's just a lot of money, and I'm not exactly Donald Trump.

You have to lower your attendance expectations and not consider that they are not supportive of your marriage -- just a bit disappointed that they will not be able to come to the wedding. That's actually the opposite of support.

You have to do what is best for you: they have to do what is best for them.

However, it is unreasonable to expect people who were thinking of spending $150 on a gift to be excited about spending $1100 on a vacation to a place that they didn't pick in a time that they didn't choose. That is a major expenditure over which you're giving them NO input and NO control. Yes, it is your wedding. And no, you don't need fifty co-planners. But there are things that people like to have some input in the decisions on...and one of them is the major expenditure of time and money involved in vacations.

Misty

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