I agree with you that this is verrrry rude, however, I would also like to give another side of this for you to think about (and I know you were just venting, I'm just sharing a story with you).
I am currently in a co-ed fraternity in college. Two of my brothers, Amy and Andrew, are getting married. I've heard about their engagement, plans, seen bridesmaid dresses on facebook, etc. and yet, I haven't been invited to the wedding. At first I was sad because I am in a fraternity with these two amazing people. I had at one point contemplated asking if invites had gone out yet (to know if I was getting one or not), but don't worry, my common sense got the best of me, and I did not (and will not) ask them.
Kind of a long story, but my point is, maybe the people asking about invites see themselves as closer to you, or more important in your life, than you see them.
I'm not reprimanding you, or saying they're right, just hoping to shed some insight! :)
Wedding invitations are not necessarily a reflection of how much we like a person. Keep in mind there are MANY factors involved with determining the guest list.
1. Venue size. if your venue seats 100, that's all you got. You don't have 101. You don't have 150. You have 100.
2. Family obligations. There are people from both sides of the family who must receive invites.
3. Many times, for a first wedding, the breakdown is as follows: 30% for brides family; 30% for groom's family. 40% for bride and groom (or 20% each). So, with a venue of 100. MOB gets 30 invites. MOG gets 30 invites. Bride gets 20. Groom gets 20. And...since technically (and people DO forget this <G>) the Bride = 1 and groom = 1, that means they each get 19. Then consider that they have the wedding party. So three on each side and their plus one. That's now down from 19 for the bride to 13. Flower girl - that's another 3. Ring Bearer - another 3. Now the groom and bride are each down to 10. Oh yeah...the Officiant and HIS wife.... 9 each the bride and groom.
I had a guest list of 100. We started with 180 or so and each cut was AGONIZING. We didn't want to cut them. I also had an elaborate spreadsheet based on "Definitely yes" "Maybe" "Definitely No" (I put the president in the No column). And I was EXTREMELY conservative about who I declared as a definite no. My Maybe Column and my YES column could not exceed 100.
So 3 weeks pre-wedding, we went to a baseball game and ran into someone we had to cut. Someone we did not want to cut, but had to cut. And of course, they said "we're invited, right" (Afterall, this person was in the play that DH and I were in when he proposed to me on stage. He figured he was there at the proposal, so he should be there at the wedding). And he was NOT invited. It was excrutiating.
Kudos to you, Sam, for not asking. You did the couple an extreme kindness. Guest lists are HELL. There really is no other term for it.
During Christmas 2009, one of my female cousins cornered me and said, "My kids will be invited to your wedding, right? They want to attend a wedding." I was shocked that she asked me that. So I smiled and said, "FH and I haven't talked about details yet, but we know we are sticking with an adult wedding. Excuse me, I need more wine. Would you like a refill on your wine, too?"
I feel for you! I'm having the same problem (as it seems many others
are, as well).
It is incredibly rude for people to assume they are going to be invited
just because they know you.
My FH and I have agonized over our guest list. It's second time around
for both of us, and our money, space, and patience are limited. We have
family that HAS to be invited, which means that some of our "maybe"
names will not be invited. We also have family that have children, and
while we opted for having kids at the wedding, we have stuck to the
"only family" qualification. My FH has a few neices and nephews
traveling from PA and Memphis - and it would be hard for them to come
for the weekend and leave their kids at home. However, we have a mutual
friend who lives in NJ and we are NOT inviting their four kids. They
understood when we explained to them - we HAD to invite family first.
And that's how we respond to others who ask. "We're working on a
limited number of spaces and family has to come first..." No one seems
offended by that.
My dad and mom were at lunch with a few of their friends the other day
when the conversation rolled around to the wedding plans. Dad
explained that my FH and I were actually doing all the planning - and
the paying because we're being reasonable and responsible. One of the
friends was shocked that my parents weren't paying and blatantly asked
"well, are we going to be invited?" My father, calm as ever, replied
that "we have a lot of family and a limited number of seats. You'll
Some people are just looking for the next party to put on their social
calendar, I guess...
Don't let it get you down. It's actually a back-handed compliment that
people WANT to be invited to your wedding.
re: your cousin: "My kids will be invited to your wedding, right? They want to attend
Like you HAVE to invite them so they can see what a wedding is like. Maybe you should print up permission slips for her kids to come - like it's an Educational Field Trip or something. Make sure they have their shots and all...