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How do I ask my Maid of Honor to step down?

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MmmmmmK Posts : 2 Registered: 12/28/09
How do I ask my Maid of Honor to step down?
Posted: Feb 11, 2010 3:19 PM

After announcing the wedding to my girlfriend she cornered me asking me who would be my maid of honor. I stumbled and said I hadn't finalized the decision. She continued to pry responding that she couldn't think of anyone more deserving and better fit for the position than she herself. I am too big of a push over and didn't just ask her to allow me more time. Rather, I ended up asking her as I cracked under the pressure.

Now, the wedding is right around the corner and she has not helped out with anything. My bridesmaids planned my bridal shower and the bachelorette party. They have tried to keep in touch with her and delegate responsibilities to her. Yet, she is very unwilling to follow through with anything.

I feel as though I have gone out of my way to accommodate her needs by purchasing the dress for her with an agreement that she would pay for half of it. I haven't seen a dollar, which is fine, but a thank you would be very nice and that hasn't occurred.

I don't know what to do as my gut feeling is to ask her to be a bridesmaid and let my other girlfriend who is taking on all the responsibilities and coordinating should really be the maid of honor. I found out this week by some of the other bridesmaids and even a few groomsmen that they too feel the same way. Everyone is worried that if I ask her to step down she won't even show up. I don't want to hurt her, I just don't feel as though she has respected me or the other girls and I would really like to honor the girl who truly should be the maid of honor and be honored!!!

california_wine_country , february_2010
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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: How do I ask my Maid of Honor to step down?
Posted: Feb 11, 2010 3:35 PM Go to message in response to: MmmmmmK

I think you should just leave it as it is. You only have about 2 weeks left until you get married. After the wedding forget about her if you want. But from now until wedding day just focus on the girls that do help you. I am sure they know how much you appreciate their help. If you tell your MOH now to step down that will cause hurt feelings and drama and like you said, she may back down. I'm sure you don't want that with only 2 weeks left. So just smile and let her stay but once wedding day comes boot her out of your friendship if you want.

 

                           
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california_wine_country , connecticut , october_2010 , february_2010
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TheeBride Posts : 130 Registered: 1/17/10
Re: How do I ask my Maid of Honor to step down?
Posted: Feb 11, 2010 3:51 PM Go to message in response to: MmmmmmK

Wow, what a terrible situation. I'm not sure you should really 'do' anything at this point, unless you wouldn't mind losing the friendship (which unfortunately could happen). If you decide you really do want her to step down I'd first casually ask her for half of the dress money. Maybe say something like how you're happy you'll have cash on you to tip your hairdresser (or whatever) from her half of her dress money. Hmmm, maybe the day of the wedding you could just rearrange who's walking down first and not say anything to her at all. Ugh, I dunno...sticky situation. OR you could just corner her like she cornered you, ask her for your money and tell her you've been thinking about making so-and-so your MOH since she's helped so much.


Good luck!

"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in
my heart. I am never without it, anywhere
I go you go, my dear..."

E.E. Cummings

california_wine_country , maryland , may_2010 , february_2010
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: How do I ask my Maid of Honor to step down?
Posted: Feb 11, 2010 3:54 PM Go to message in response to: MmmmmmK

Ask yourself if you are ready to end this friendship. I don't see how she is a friend in the first place but that's just me. If you are okay with the friendship possibly being over then just tell her you want her to step down. Please don't try to find someone to fill in if that happens. I wish you luck.

 

 

 

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october_1997 , california_wine_country , southern_shore_new_jersey , february_2010
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MmmmmmK Posts : 2 Registered: 12/28/09
Re: How do I ask my Maid of Honor to step down?
Posted: Feb 11, 2010 3:59 PM Go to message in response to: MmmmmmK

Wow! Thanks for all of your responses.

Well she just sent me an accidental text saying she didn't know if she could be in my wedding. I of course called her back. The friendship is not ruined. She is just under stress and feels like the pressure is too great. She asked me if she could be a bridesmaid and let someone else take over as the MOH. Whew!

I guess that when things are just not meant to be they won't be. It's all good though. I feel good and feel that everyone else will really be fine with it as well.

california_wine_country , february_2010
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TheeBride Posts : 130 Registered: 1/17/10
Re: How do I ask my Maid of Honor to step down?
Posted: Feb 11, 2010 4:00 PM Go to message in response to: MmmmmmK

Well that's good you didn't have to say anything, still though...way to tell you a couple weeks before your wedding. Geez...


"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in
my heart. I am never without it, anywhere
I go you go, my dear..."

E.E. Cummings

california_wine_country , maryland , may_2010 , february_2010
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How do I ask my Maid of Honor to step down?
Posted: Feb 11, 2010 6:11 PM Go to message in response to: MmmmmmK

Dear Mm,

"Everyone is worried that if I ask her to step down she won't even show up. I don't want to hurt her,"

I saw your later response where she took herself out. Nevertheless, I will address this quote above.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people can put up with getting hurt, themselves, then be reluctant to hurt that very same person. It usually comes in the form of an absent father and a bride who would prefer someone else walk her down the aisle, but she doesn't want to "hurt" a father who was NEVER THERE FOR HER DURING HER CHILDHOOD. Never mind that she grew up hurt from her own father's absence. Never mind she was hurt by his obvious preference for a new family, and abandonment of an old family. Noooo.... she can't "hurt" a grown up man who made the grown up choice to not raise his own child.

But, I digress.

I would have suggest you boot her from the MOH job. It's not fair to all the others who have worked so hard for Miss No-Show to get the starring role on W-Day. She hasn't even paid for her own clothes.

But, she's already self-booted so all's well that ends well. Still. Think of what I said. You have a right be "hurt" that she cornered you into giving her the job in the first place, then did a lousy job.

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NewMrsVelino Posts : 144 Registered: 6/9/08
Re: How do I ask my Maid of Honor to step down?
Posted: Feb 12, 2010 11:56 AM Go to message in response to: MmmmmmK

I did read your message that the original MOH booted herself, but I just thought I'd share my story. I had to ask my MOH to step down 2 weeks before my wedding. She was there when FH proposed and the next thing I knew she was saying "well looks like I'm going to be busy planning this and that since I'm going to be your MOH" I never asked her, she just assumed, and I left it at that because .. I was afraid to hurt her. 2 months before the wedding came and my older sister contacted me asking me what was going on w/the shower as MOH hadn't contacted anyone. Apparently she had no intention of throwing a shower or even talking w/the other bridesmaids, so needless to say my big sister took over that. Next thing I knew, MOH hadn't even had any intention of throwing together a bachelorette party. My coworker, who isn't even in the wedding, ended up taking over that. MOH never asked if I needed help with anything, if I asked her for help I was blown off, dress shopping or fittings were an inconvenience to her. Again, my older sister stepped up and helped me with a TON of stuff. She helped me w/invitations, she made the ring bearer pillows, sewed the ribbon on the flower girl dress, etc. I knew that I wanted to ask MOH to step down before we were at 2 weeks away from the wedding, I just couldn't muster up the courage because again, I was afraid of hurting her. So finally I had had enough and I contacted her and let her know that I would like her to be a bridesmaid and that my older sister would be stepping in as MOH. She was fine with it and said that she had understood but wished I had done it sooner, as did I. Our friendship already at that point was very rocky. We still speak, I feel only because we work together, but our friendship will never again be as it was; not just because of the way she acted during the wedding planning process, but a lot of other things as well.

I'm glad that everything worked out for you. I know as good as you that you probably feel like 100 lbs has just lifted off of your shoulders!

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wisconsin , california_wine_country , september_2009 , february_2010
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