Hi TLG (Nikki),

I am going to speak to you about your insecurities since I can't really comment on how easy or hard the 1st year is. I once was like you too. Very insecure. Every call unanswered, every late night at work was an instant "OMG! He hates me. He's leaving me!, etc.". It was hell. For me. There is nothing fun about feeling that drop in the pit of your stomach. Anyway, how did I come out of that dark pit? I took it upon myself to see a therapist. I chose a male therapist because I'm more comfortable with men (ironic, eh?) and he was such a HUGE help. We talked about my insecurities with my beau and he said something that still makes me laugh today, "What? Do you think he's just screwing some chick on his desk"? And the thought just seemed funny. So I went to therapy. I read a lot of books and even joined a self esteem website and it helped. In the end, this isn't about your husband. He is who he is and you will NOT change him. But as you work on yourself, you see the change in your immediate self and slowly start to see your world change around you.

Bring the focus back on yourself. Your husband is a human being and will do what he wants regardless. So, go do what YOU want and be happy!

I agree with some of the previous posters in that the insecurities need to be talked about. I think a lot of people have trouble with this... especially women, so don't feel bad or ashamed. I've felt needlessly jealous and insecure many times in many of my relatinships. Still something I work on every day.

That said, I also think your husband is making some serious mistakes.

When I became engaged, I stopped hanging out with many of my male friends. I kept the 2 very close male friends who I grew up with, but my fiance is usually with me if I hang out with them. I wanted my fiance to feel comfortable with my male friends, and I went out of my way to make that happen. As far as exes go, we are civil... and I would say a quick hello to them if we crossed paths... but I do not call them, see them, or otherwise keep ties with them. It's just not worth the trouble it could possibly cause. My exes are good guys, whatever, but staying super friendly is simply not worth it to me. Other people see things, hear things, misinterpret things... so having a drink with my ex, even if innocent, is absolutely not worth it- esp if rumors were to start. I just chose not to put myself in that position. Or my fiance in that positioin.

Of course, you can never eliminate all interactions with the opposite sex. But just remember what is most important, and do things to protect it. I don't think your husband should have frequent contact with his ex, and should definitely not be "stopping by". He's a married man... if he wanted to remain friends with his ex, he should have remained single. Now the random facebook adds I wouldn't worry about... people network, people like to connect, whatever. But I do feel his continued contact with the ex is disrespectful to the marriage, and you are not insecure for being uncomfortable with it.

I don't know. Maybe my insecurities are bigger than I thought... but personally, it just makes sense to forsake old friends/flames for peace in your marriage.

Best of luck to you and your husband...

I just realized that my above post is kind of a tangent and probably not at all helpful to the orginal poster. My apologies. But I'm going to leave it up anyway.

Little tuff - I don't know if the first year of marriage is hardest for most people, or if it's the first year of living together or what. For us, we didn't live together before marriage. Most of the hard stuff of the first year was more related to that - working on doing financial stuff together, bickering about housework, etc. Your issues seem a lot more complicated, and I don't think that they have anything to do with being newly married.

Counselling is not so bad, I promise. And the beauty is, if you hate your counsellor, you can get a new one!

Birdie, I understand what you're saying about past exes. I wouldn't talk to the guy who assulted me unless it was to burn his eyes out with a hot poker. lol However, if a person (not saying OP, just in general) is so insecure that they can't stand their BF/GF DH/DW speaking to an ex or another person of the opposite sex, then perhaps you need to focus on yourself, your confidence, and your mental state before involving another person in that mess.

If a partner is always freaking about the contact that their significant other is making outside the home, then it is 100% a problem that leads to resentment, no trust, cheating, or a break up. My hubby has been propositioned by other women, women who know he's married. He's called her out in my presence - funny to us, humiliating for her, and keeps the air clean. Then, if he's going out to lunch with an ex, I could care less.

I have been married for just seven months now ( as of yesterday.) The first year of marriage has been both challenging and rewarding for my husband and me.
When recently counseling a friend about to be married, my husband was asked to describe marriage in one word. The word my husband used was: Adjustment. And he is absolutely right!

My husband is a good man and I have no concerns whatsoever about him in regards to other women- be it women from his past or women he will meet in the future. My husband has a heart of gold and I know he loves/ desires me and only me.

What has been a struggle for us are the following:

Marriage sometimes feels like an invasion of my space: I lived on my own for five years before gettnig married. I set my own schedule, decorated with my things and soley according to my taste, and was not expected to share my food or storage space with anyone.
My room when I was single was always immaculate. My husband is messy. Even though we have our own sides of the closet ( he uses a whole half of the closet- so as much space as me!), we still share all the common areas. So it is not unusual to find my husbands things on the floor, left out on the counter, or his dishes unrinsed in the sink ( if they make it there.)
So even though I am neat our house tends to get messy. That has taken some getting used to.
Keep in mind, our house is never terribly messy but I was not used to living in a home that looked "lived in". I am a lot like Monica on "Friends" when it comes to messes.

I tend to be a very private person and so mourned having my own room and especially my own bed until just recently. I have shared a single room with numerous roommates before but even then I always had my own bed and it was off limits to people unless I invited them on it.
So sometimes after having a tough day at work I found it disheartening to not have a bed where I could lie awake alone all night if I wanted to and sort things through in my mind. This was all the more true the times my husband and I had a late night disagreement.
More than once I spent part or all of the night on our couch because I could not sleep unless I was alone. My husband is very sweet and always offered me the bed to myself on those occassions, but I never wanted to put him out of the bed since I was the one with the issue.
I have gotten to now where I can almost always stay in bed and if I need space just roll all the way over to my own side.
And more often than not, I now cherish how my husband always wants to cuddle me as we sleep. In the beginning cuddling like that through the night made me feel crowded rather than comforted.

In marriage my husband is learning to allow me my space and I am learning to welcome him into my life and space more.

Merging our apartments, thankfully, wasn't much of a challenge because we had just enough furniture between us.

Inlaws- My MIL tends to be very dramatic and can be both self-centered and cruel when things do not go exactly her way. My MIL did not take it well when I became the woman in my husband's life, even though I have always strived to foster a frienship with her. My MIL has most of her family trained to cater to her and it took awhile for my husband to realize that it is okay for he and I to build a life on our own- that our lives should include our families but not be run by them.
Things are much better in regard to my MIL now, not because she has changed really but because my husband and I have reached an understanding concerning her and now deal with her in a united way.

Relaxing in our marriage- The stakes go up when you are married. It took my husband and I awhile to understand and adjust to this. Suddenly a lot of thing you might have laughed off in the past suddenly seem like a very big deal.

Your spouse's idiosyncrasies that were so endearing when you were dating ( aww! his clothes never quite make it all the way in the hamper) can be downright annoying after you are married ( I.E. Why are his clothes never in the hamper. Is it that much harder to put them in the hamper rather than drop them on the floor a foot away from the hamper??!?!?!)
In marriage, you have to learn to pick your battles. With the clothes I have learned that though my husband will not put his clothes directly into the hamper as soon as he changes out of them, he will put them in the hamper before going to bed. So by my exercising a little patience, the clothes get picked up and without me nagging about it.

It is okay to let some things go. In fact, I have found it to be absolutely necessary. I am one who likes to make constant corrections lest bad habits be formed. While trends in a relationship should not be ignored, I have found it counterproductive to always nitpick about every mishap.

FurthermoreI have always found that since my husband is so caring, I don't have to harp about what I need in a relationship. I can trust my husband to honor my preferences and all I have to do is make them known in regular conversation.

For example, once my husband realized how genuinely happy it makes me to know he has thought of me, he has made a concerted effort to be thoughtful by bringing me flowers, surprising me with dinner, offering to use his free tickets to take me to a basketball game, inviting me first before any of his buddies. ( With the latter sometimes I take him up on the offer, but often I encourage him to go enjoy the time with a buddy of his.)

Sex: It can be upsetting when due to busy schedules it seems that you and your spouse are never in the mood at the same time.

Staying aware of how the two of us are extremely different: I am one who likes to get any task completed asap. For example, I had my taxes completed in the beginning of February.
My husband on the other hand seems to function best by doing everything just hours before it is due. I have learned to time my request accordingly. If I want something done by Saturday morning, I tell my husband I need it done by Friday afternoon. That way when he does the errand Friday afternoon he is accomplishing the thing in his preferred time frame without putting me behind schedule.

Another example is I am very frugal to the point of being stingy ( with my own money I will store it all in a savings account and rarely treat myself even to anything) whereas my husband often forgets what he has spent his mad money on. Knowing this filled us with alarm when my husband and I planned out our budget. I was afraid my husband would treat all our money casually and thus unwittingly bankrupt us and my husband was terrified that I would be too strict with our money and never allow us to have any fun together. It took my mother confirming to me that I do tend to be too uptight for me to relax enough to give my husband's budget ideas a chance. So far the budget is working out really well for us.
All that to say, for my husband and I, often the right course of action for us as a couple is for us to meet in the middle of our natural reactions: I let loose a bit and he strives to be a little more serious minded.

I hope all this is helpful to someone. I know it feels good to me to be able to share.

For all newly married women: I strongly recommend you read
" What No One Tells the Bride" by Marg Stark. It is very informative and true to real life, yet is written in tones that inspire you provides you with ideas that you can immediately implement.

My first year of marriage has not been easy; yet marriage has proven again and again to be worth the effort. One of my favorite marriage moments recently occurred last Sunday night. My husband and I laid together on the couch- me with my head on his chest- and watched the Simpsons, together in the living room we decorated together. I had just come home from the store where I had put our newly formed budget to good use and my husband was so supportive in praising my efforts and letting me show him all my bargains.
In that moment, I realized, with gratitude to God, how far my husband and I have already come in our ability to face the tough issues ( like money), work as a team, and enjoy our efforts together. I was at home with my husband and I loved it.

My husband only lived on his own for about seven months before we got married and I moved in. Up until then he lived at home with his parents. I am a year older than my husband and I lived on my own for five years ( and by on my own I mean that my only immediate family member, my mom, was living abroad in China). So I know what it is like to be away from your family and to have a new- to- the-independence routine spouse.
I think you are very brave to be handling all you are and that your hubby is blessed to have a strong woman like you by his side. :)


"Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." ~Westminister Catechism

I try to spread my message to the world the best way that I can give it
We can make it, always be optimistic
If you don’t listen, gotta live my life the best way that I can live it
With the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains
And only the heavenly father can ease the hurt
Just let it go and keep prayin’ on your knees in church (Let’s go)
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He’ll make a way
I know it ain’t easy but - that’s okay
Cause we hopeful -"Hope" by Twista and Faith Evans

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