Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 2:14 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Okay. I think there is more than one issue going on here and so perhaps if we can take a step back it will help you to figure things out.
1. The first year of marriage is hard for many couples. It is a time where you are learning to live together as husband and wife. Roles have changed, and you are trying to figure out who you are as husband and wife. It is normal to have a lot of passionate arguments. I don't think it's immature... I think it is normal.
2. That being said, it is very important not to let these "normal arguments" get out of control. Words hurt and things said and done in arguments can cause major resentments that may be difficult to get over. My Dad told me once, "Never tear each other down, always build each other up". That is the advice I give you. Your husband and you should be working very hard on building each other up. If he won't go to counseling, then you must go on your own. Counseling will help you figure out some of these issues. You will learn in counseling that by changing some of your own behavior, it can help the relationship. I'm not saying this is your fault, it takes two people to fight. But you can make changes on your own.
3. You are insecure but I don't think some of his behavior is appropriate. That is just my opinion. I think it is disrespectful for either of you to be talking/flirting with members of the opposite sex, even if it is online. I can tell you that I have seen many marriages break up from online affairs. I am not saying you can't have facebook friends of the opposite sex, I am just saying there is a very fine line and it is very easy to let things go too far.

I hope this helps. Good luck and God Bless.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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VntgGoth2010 Posts : 57 Registered: 1/24/10
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 4:21 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Hi TLG (Nikki),

I am going to speak to you about your insecurities since I can't really comment on how easy or hard the 1st year is. I once was like you too. Very insecure. Every call unanswered, every late night at work was an instant "OMG! He hates me. He's leaving me!, etc.". It was hell. For me. There is nothing fun about feeling that drop in the pit of your stomach. Anyway, how did I come out of that dark pit? I took it upon myself to see a therapist. I chose a male therapist because I'm more comfortable with men (ironic, eh?) and he was such a HUGE help. We talked about my insecurities with my beau and he said something that still makes me laugh today, "What? Do you think he's just screwing some chick on his desk"? And the thought just seemed funny. So I went to therapy. I read a lot of books and even joined a self esteem website and it helped. In the end, this isn't about your husband. He is who he is and you will NOT change him. But as you work on yourself, you see the change in your immediate self and slowly start to see your world change around you.

Bring the focus back on yourself. Your husband is a human being and will do what he wants regardless. So, go do what YOU want and be happy!

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 11:37 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

I didn't read the other ladies' responses. I apologize if I repeat anyone. I'll be straight. I'm the youngest of 4 brothers. I've heard plenty of conversations about many many girlfriends. Men are simple and straightforward, not into petty crap. It just doesn't matter to them. So what if your DH was with another woman? So what if they were going to get married? He married you. It's that simple. In his mind that's all that matters. His ex doesn't matter. Also, he doesn't care if other people think you're great if in his mind you're acting like a bitch.

So, if you can't get it together on your own and learn what battles are worth a fight, then seek some professional counseling. Read a book. Do something constructive before your very short lived marriage dies. Trust me on this. In the end, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong if you are alone and miserable.

wedding ticker

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JessicaLong Posts : 29 Registered: 8/31/09
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 3:10 AM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

I agree with some of the previous posters in that the insecurities need to be talked about. I think a lot of people have trouble with this... especially women, so don't feel bad or ashamed. I've felt needlessly jealous and insecure many times in many of my relatinships. Still something I work on every day.

That said, I also think your husband is making some serious mistakes.

When I became engaged, I stopped hanging out with many of my male friends. I kept the 2 very close male friends who I grew up with, but my fiance is usually with me if I hang out with them. I wanted my fiance to feel comfortable with my male friends, and I went out of my way to make that happen. As far as exes go, we are civil... and I would say a quick hello to them if we crossed paths... but I do not call them, see them, or otherwise keep ties with them. It's just not worth the trouble it could possibly cause. My exes are good guys, whatever, but staying super friendly is simply not worth it to me. Other people see things, hear things, misinterpret things... so having a drink with my ex, even if innocent, is absolutely not worth it- esp if rumors were to start. I just chose not to put myself in that position. Or my fiance in that positioin.

Of course, you can never eliminate all interactions with the opposite sex. But just remember what is most important, and do things to protect it. I don't think your husband should have frequent contact with his ex, and should definitely not be "stopping by". He's a married man... if he wanted to remain friends with his ex, he should have remained single. Now the random facebook adds I wouldn't worry about... people network, people like to connect, whatever. But I do feel his continued contact with the ex is disrespectful to the marriage, and you are not insecure for being uncomfortable with it.

I don't know. Maybe my insecurities are bigger than I thought... but personally, it just makes sense to forsake old friends/flames for peace in your marriage.

Best of luck to you and your husband...

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 12:57 PM Go to message in response to: JessicaLong

Jessica, I have to disagree with your part about exes. I would say that it would depend on the nature of the ex, and what the relationship was like.

I stop by all the time to visit an ex boyfriend of mine at work. Why? Because we were best friends for years, and only dated 6 months out of it. In high school. I danced with him at our wedding. It is so not a big deal, and honestly I wouldn't let some nosey-nelly's rumors bother me.

My husband barely even remembers that I dated this guy, no matter how many times I tell him, because it is THAT much of a non-issue.

BUT...I can totally see where some circumstances surrounding the relationship with an ex, or the breakup, could be problematic.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 1:04 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I just realized that my above post is kind of a tangent and probably not at all helpful to the orginal poster. My apologies. But I'm going to leave it up anyway.

Little tuff - I don't know if the first year of marriage is hardest for most people, or if it's the first year of living together or what. For us, we didn't live together before marriage. Most of the hard stuff of the first year was more related to that - working on doing financial stuff together, bickering about housework, etc. Your issues seem a lot more complicated, and I don't think that they have anything to do with being newly married.

Counselling is not so bad, I promise. And the beauty is, if you hate your counsellor, you can get a new one!
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 4:13 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Awww hugs

I hear ya, and yes, supposidly the 1st year is the hardest.

Let me say, last year was probably the hardest, worst year of my life... it just seemed like one thing after another - having surgery early in our marriage which created a lack of sexual intimacy for a few months, then dealing with a car accident and the insurance/loan companies, to inlaw drama getting my hours at work cut back and neither of us having much luck finding 2nd jobs... and then the mess I went through last summer... I never would want to go through all that again and wouldn't wish it on anyone!

While he might see nothing wrong with still talking to his ex or other girls, it obviously bothers you, and you've seem to have expressed that to him and he's still not budging - he needs to be respectful of your feelings, but at the same time, you also need to be able to trust him or you'll just push him further away.

While he might be hesitant go, see if you can't get him to go to couples counseling - just cuz you're going to counseling doesn't mean it's the end of your marriage. I'll admit, I was hesitant to go at first, cuz I was afraid people think "things" and I didn't understand how talking to someone who didn't know us could help, but it does help you guys sort out your issues in a setting with a mutual 3rd person who knows how to ask the questions and can help you guys come to an agreement. It's best to go while you can still save what you have, before things get to the point where it's too late. It really did help us communicate better and things now are A LOT better from where they were last summer.

I tend to write long posts - short and simple doesn't exist with me!
That's how I am, take it or leave it.

Find Your Own Bridal Look with my Virtual Makeover Tool!

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 9:30 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Birdie, I understand what you're saying about past exes. I wouldn't talk to the guy who assulted me unless it was to burn his eyes out with a hot poker. lol However, if a person (not saying OP, just in general) is so insecure that they can't stand their BF/GF DH/DW speaking to an ex or another person of the opposite sex, then perhaps you need to focus on yourself, your confidence, and your mental state before involving another person in that mess.

If a partner is always freaking about the contact that their significant other is making outside the home, then it is 100% a problem that leads to resentment, no trust, cheating, or a break up. My hubby has been propositioned by other women, women who know he's married. He's called her out in my presence - funny to us, humiliating for her, and keeps the air clean. Then, if he's going out to lunch with an ex, I could care less.

wedding ticker

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 8, 2010 8:38 AM Go to message in response to: JessicaLong

Jessica,
I don't think you are being insecure. I think what you are saying is wise and mature.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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Sunnijoy Posts : 32 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Mar 19, 2010 3:16 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

I have been married for just seven months now ( as of yesterday.) The first year of marriage has been both challenging and rewarding for my husband and me.
When recently counseling a friend about to be married, my husband was asked to describe marriage in one word. The word my husband used was: Adjustment. And he is absolutely right!

My husband is a good man and I have no concerns whatsoever about him in regards to other women- be it women from his past or women he will meet in the future. My husband has a heart of gold and I know he loves/ desires me and only me.

What has been a struggle for us are the following:

Marriage sometimes feels like an invasion of my space: I lived on my own for five years before gettnig married. I set my own schedule, decorated with my things and soley according to my taste, and was not expected to share my food or storage space with anyone.
My room when I was single was always immaculate. My husband is messy. Even though we have our own sides of the closet ( he uses a whole half of the closet- so as much space as me!), we still share all the common areas. So it is not unusual to find my husbands things on the floor, left out on the counter, or his dishes unrinsed in the sink ( if they make it there.)
So even though I am neat our house tends to get messy. That has taken some getting used to.
Keep in mind, our house is never terribly messy but I was not used to living in a home that looked "lived in". I am a lot like Monica on "Friends" when it comes to messes.

I tend to be a very private person and so mourned having my own room and especially my own bed until just recently. I have shared a single room with numerous roommates before but even then I always had my own bed and it was off limits to people unless I invited them on it.
So sometimes after having a tough day at work I found it disheartening to not have a bed where I could lie awake alone all night if I wanted to and sort things through in my mind. This was all the more true the times my husband and I had a late night disagreement.
More than once I spent part or all of the night on our couch because I could not sleep unless I was alone. My husband is very sweet and always offered me the bed to myself on those occassions, but I never wanted to put him out of the bed since I was the one with the issue.
I have gotten to now where I can almost always stay in bed and if I need space just roll all the way over to my own side.
And more often than not, I now cherish how my husband always wants to cuddle me as we sleep. In the beginning cuddling like that through the night made me feel crowded rather than comforted.

In marriage my husband is learning to allow me my space and I am learning to welcome him into my life and space more.

Merging our apartments, thankfully, wasn't much of a challenge because we had just enough furniture between us.

Inlaws- My MIL tends to be very dramatic and can be both self-centered and cruel when things do not go exactly her way. My MIL did not take it well when I became the woman in my husband's life, even though I have always strived to foster a frienship with her. My MIL has most of her family trained to cater to her and it took awhile for my husband to realize that it is okay for he and I to build a life on our own- that our lives should include our families but not be run by them.
Things are much better in regard to my MIL now, not because she has changed really but because my husband and I have reached an understanding concerning her and now deal with her in a united way.

Relaxing in our marriage- The stakes go up when you are married. It took my husband and I awhile to understand and adjust to this. Suddenly a lot of thing you might have laughed off in the past suddenly seem like a very big deal.

Your spouse's idiosyncrasies that were so endearing when you were dating ( aww! his clothes never quite make it all the way in the hamper) can be downright annoying after you are married ( I.E. Why are his clothes never in the hamper. Is it that much harder to put them in the hamper rather than drop them on the floor a foot away from the hamper??!?!?!)
In marriage, you have to learn to pick your battles. With the clothes I have learned that though my husband will not put his clothes directly into the hamper as soon as he changes out of them, he will put them in the hamper before going to bed. So by my exercising a little patience, the clothes get picked up and without me nagging about it.

It is okay to let some things go. In fact, I have found it to be absolutely necessary. I am one who likes to make constant corrections lest bad habits be formed. While trends in a relationship should not be ignored, I have found it counterproductive to always nitpick about every mishap.

FurthermoreI have always found that since my husband is so caring, I don't have to harp about what I need in a relationship. I can trust my husband to honor my preferences and all I have to do is make them known in regular conversation.

For example, once my husband realized how genuinely happy it makes me to know he has thought of me, he has made a concerted effort to be thoughtful by bringing me flowers, surprising me with dinner, offering to use his free tickets to take me to a basketball game, inviting me first before any of his buddies. ( With the latter sometimes I take him up on the offer, but often I encourage him to go enjoy the time with a buddy of his.)

Sex: It can be upsetting when due to busy schedules it seems that you and your spouse are never in the mood at the same time.

Staying aware of how the two of us are extremely different: I am one who likes to get any task completed asap. For example, I had my taxes completed in the beginning of February.
My husband on the other hand seems to function best by doing everything just hours before it is due. I have learned to time my request accordingly. If I want something done by Saturday morning, I tell my husband I need it done by Friday afternoon. That way when he does the errand Friday afternoon he is accomplishing the thing in his preferred time frame without putting me behind schedule.

Another example is I am very frugal to the point of being stingy ( with my own money I will store it all in a savings account and rarely treat myself even to anything) whereas my husband often forgets what he has spent his mad money on. Knowing this filled us with alarm when my husband and I planned out our budget. I was afraid my husband would treat all our money casually and thus unwittingly bankrupt us and my husband was terrified that I would be too strict with our money and never allow us to have any fun together. It took my mother confirming to me that I do tend to be too uptight for me to relax enough to give my husband's budget ideas a chance. So far the budget is working out really well for us.
All that to say, for my husband and I, often the right course of action for us as a couple is for us to meet in the middle of our natural reactions: I let loose a bit and he strives to be a little more serious minded.

I hope all this is helpful to someone. I know it feels good to me to be able to share.

For all newly married women: I strongly recommend you read
" What No One Tells the Bride" by Marg Stark. It is very informative and true to real life, yet is written in tones that inspire you provides you with ideas that you can immediately implement.

My first year of marriage has not been easy; yet marriage has proven again and again to be worth the effort. One of my favorite marriage moments recently occurred last Sunday night. My husband and I laid together on the couch- me with my head on his chest- and watched the Simpsons, together in the living room we decorated together. I had just come home from the store where I had put our newly formed budget to good use and my husband was so supportive in praising my efforts and letting me show him all my bargains.
In that moment, I realized, with gratitude to God, how far my husband and I have already come in our ability to face the tough issues ( like money), work as a team, and enjoy our efforts together. I was at home with my husband and I loved it.




"Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." ~Westminister Catechism

I try to spread my message to the world the best way that I can give it
We can make it, always be optimistic
If you don’t listen, gotta live my life the best way that I can live it
With the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains
And only the heavenly father can ease the hurt
Just let it go and keep prayin’ on your knees in church (Let’s go)
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He’ll make a way
I know it ain’t easy but - that’s okay
Cause we hopeful -"Hope" by Twista and Faith Evans

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StarlitHolly Posts : 47 Registered: 2/23/10
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Mar 19, 2010 6:56 PM Go to message in response to: Sunnijoy

In the first month of us being married - in the first week, even - I moved 2,969 miles. I left behind my family, who I am very close with, to come to Oahu and live with my dH (who I hadn't spent more than 18 days in a row with) down the street from his parents and siblings (I met my brother-in-law hours before my wedding).
I can't work here in the States until my Immigration goes through. I didn't really know my dH's "home habits".
I've now been married for almost 3 months. Has it been hard so far? To a point - I miss my family, etc.
But I love being married, and I love being a stay-at-home wife!
dH and I talked about our roles in our marriage, and we both want the "traditional" family - hubby works, wife cooks, etc. dH can't cook - for the week he lived in our apartment alone he survived on ramen and Chef Boyardee! So I'm happy to step into the role of Home Cook - and I'm having a great time.
As far as cleaning goes - well, dH is a messier person than I am. But he does appreciate a neat and tidy home (not, may I add, like the one he grew up in) and compliments me when the place is clean. I'm happy doing most of the cleaning, because then I know it's how I want it to be! (I can be a little OCD...)
In-laws... I've been blessed with great in-laws. I'm not going to say it's all sunshine and roses, but they are pretty cool. dH has two younger siblings - his brother is 22, his sister is 16 - and his sister had practically adopted me before we were engaged. Yes, I get annoyed when I feel like his mom and dad are treating us like kids who don't know what we're doing - but I remind myself that dH moved out the week before we got married and to them, he IS a kid who doesn't know what he's doing. They don't realize that even though I'm 5 years younger than dH, I lived on my own for a year when I was 17, and again before we got married. So I have to cut them some slack there! Other than that, we're just a family - minor annoyances, of course, but generally good-natured getting along.
As far as exes go - dH dated a few girls who all were in Hawaii for school and he doesn't keep in touch with them. He's not a particularily social person - neither am I, in real life. We can both pretend to be (I'm better at that than he is - 7 years working in retail!). There is one ex that when he talks about her it used to make my stomach knot up - but he hasn't seen her in years, and I know he loves me with all his heart.
Money. Well, thankfully, we are both of the "if we don't have to spend, let's not" mindset. dH is a saver - the bulk of his paychecks go into our savings account, and we have a weekly and monthly budget that we stick to. We do go out and have fun - but we also like to do things that cost nothing, like go to the bookstore and read for a few hours, or go for a walk at the beach.
We've just gotten through a pregnancy scare, which we both handled really well. No fights, just serious conversations and conclusions. We were ready to figure out having a baby, even while living in this little studio. Thankfully at this point, it was just a scare! (I'd really like to have room for at least a bassinet before we have Baby #1!) But it was a good experience for us as a couple.

HollyElise

21. Canadian. Stay-At-Home Wife. Living in Hawaii.

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Sunnijoy Posts : 32 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Mar 22, 2010 2:10 PM Go to message in response to: StarlitHolly

My husband only lived on his own for about seven months before we got married and I moved in. Up until then he lived at home with his parents. I am a year older than my husband and I lived on my own for five years ( and by on my own I mean that my only immediate family member, my mom, was living abroad in China). So I know what it is like to be away from your family and to have a new- to- the-independence routine spouse.
I think you are very brave to be handling all you are and that your hubby is blessed to have a strong woman like you by his side. :)


"Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." ~Westminister Catechism

I try to spread my message to the world the best way that I can give it
We can make it, always be optimistic
If you don’t listen, gotta live my life the best way that I can live it
With the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains
And only the heavenly father can ease the hurt
Just let it go and keep prayin’ on your knees in church (Let’s go)
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He’ll make a way
I know it ain’t easy but - that’s okay
Cause we hopeful -"Hope" by Twista and Faith Evans

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