My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?

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MrsJoshuaRayMin... Posts : 11 Registered: 8/18/09
My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 11:04 AM

Ok so to answer everyones questions...

1. Ok so what I am 19 years old.
2. I am very mature for my age.
3. No I do not have a job currently.
4. Yes my fiance does have a job.
5. Yes I am determined to finish my education.

am I leaving anything out??

Why is age so freaking important to everyone. My age does not describe the kind of person I am. My mother passed away when I was sixteen years old and I was forced to become a woman very quickly.

Also someone said it was a bad reason to get married to spend more time together. Hmm..if I am not mistaken that is the sole purpose of getting married isn't it. So you can spend the rest of your life with the person you love. Just a thought.

Now as my as my inheritance is concerned no I am not wishing for my father to fall over dead tomorrow so I can reel in the dough I was just saying what he has told me.
Until I do inherit the family home we don't have to live in the lap of luxury to be happy. We are looking for a small apartment or a small home for a reasonable rent. Now like I said my tuition is paid for therefore there is no excuse for me to discontinue my education.

I honestly to do not understand why everyone thinks because I am nineteen that I am not ready to be a wife.
All my life I have had to live up to so many people's expectations. My mom's coworkers and friends and still even after her death they show up every now and then and basically judge me and see where I stand in my life. I am so tired of it. No my fiance isn't the only thing that makes me smile but what I meant was that, well after my mom died God placed someone else who is so special to me in my life to help me cope. He is my strength and every day that passes that we can't be together is a waste to me. I want to wake up every morning and fix his morning coffee and cook him breakfast, kiss him goodbye as I make my way to school, and come home to cook and clean and whatever other duties I may have. (homework) !!

I know my father wants what is best for me. Every parent does, most parents. But what kind of father would let something as me getting married to the man I love come between us. That is what he told me. He doesn't hate or dislike my fiance but with my dad if everything doesn't go his way or you don't do something the way he wants you might as well be dog shit. My dad is 66 years old. He is old and stubborn but I love him dearly. I just want to continue with the wedding without feeling like I am a huge disappointment to him or to anyone else who has had a part in my life. My wedding day is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. Wouldn't suck if during my father and dance he couldn't even look me in the eye. I would be so upset. I would never want to remember that night. I have all my priorities in line. My father should see that I make good grades at my college, I keep the house clean, and everything else that I am not about to let a man come between me and my dream of becoming something great.


Edited by: MrsJoshuaRayMincey on Feb 4, 2010 10:47 PM

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

Listen to your father. Adjusting to married life is difficult enough for some people, especially at a young age. Adding the stress of school and trying to find better jobs is a recipe for disaster.

 

 

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 11:10 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

What's the rush? Are you and your FH financially stable? Do you work? Who would pay for school once you got married if you got married before you are done? Do you live together now?

I am just asking questions that are important. YOu need to have a plan in place before getting married. It's more than just "oh we're married and this is so romantic"

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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

First off, I must caution you a few things. You need to think of financials. Will your FH's salary be able to support you living with him? Will you be able to have heat, water, and electric and will you be able to have food on the table? The biggie here is will you be able to get health insurance through your FH's job? Your Dad's insurance (if you're on it now) will not cover you once you're married. Going a day without health insurance in this world is toying with disaster, so you really need to think long and hard about that. Do you have a financial safety/security net? In other words, what happens if FH loses his job and you both have NO income?

Then the next questions come with school. Will you finish school if you're married? We can't tell you the answer to that, only you know. If you know you are motivated enough to finish, and you know that you can do it, married or not, then tell (and more importantly, SHOW) your Father that you're going to be able to do it. If you're getting tuition help from your Father, will he take that away once you're married? This is something else you have to talk to him about.

It's not impossible to finish college while married, and it certainly has been done before. I would caution you to really think about the questions above. Consider the worst case scenario, and make sure you are both able to handle it and plan for it. Marriage isn't just about love, but if you feel you're ready to handle it, go ahead. I don't know you, I don't know your FH, and I don't know your relationship, so I am nobody to judge you on that front.

Many people go through college while married and graduate. It certainly can be done. I'm going to do it (I will have 3-4 semesters left when I get married), and I know many people who've got a degree while married with children. If you're willing to work for it, anything can be done. I would just encourage you to think about the financials and logistics and make sure they're in a row before you take such a huge step. Good luck.


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EWF Posts : 158 Registered: 7/16/09
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 12:07 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

We both have cars that are paid for and my father is planning on leaving me the family house and whatever money he has left when he passes which also will help in the future.

this comment made me pauses... please do not count your chickens before they hatch. who knows, your father may have millions in the bank and a 20,000 square foot house, but he is still alive! if you are 20, i'm going to assume he is in his 50's, he has a long time left to live, and i don't know your relationship with him, but i am certainly hoping that you are not wishing for his passing just to gain access to his resources. when you are making a list of your assets, only count what you currently have, not what you might have in the future.

and i agree with your father... finish school! you do not need to be married to be with your boyfriend. you can spend as much time as you want together, a ring won't change that.

as for your father treating you like you are 12... i am an only child, trust me, i understand! it doesn't matter how old you are or whether you're married, he is always going to treat you like his little girls, especially if you are living with him! my parents are on the east coast, i went to college on the west coast (so i obviously wasn't living with them), when i went home over breaks, my father would make me wake him up when i got home so he knew i got home ok. i know, it sounds ridiculous, but that's what dad's do. if you don't like it, you can move out... you don't have to be married to live on your own. i think living by yourself is a wonderful experience that is really beneficial!

 

 

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JessicaLong Posts : 29 Registered: 8/31/09
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 12:17 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

I agree with the previous posts... I know how you feel, but please listen to your father. He's been around much longer than you and wants nothing but the best for you.

If you two are right for each other now, you will be right for each other in 5 years years and 10 years. Marriage is not just a step to take when you're at the "peak" of love to prove you're serious.

I was in your exact situation once.. I was 19/20, and had been with my boyfriend for over a year when we started talking about moving in together and getting married. My parents were very upset and suggested that I strongly reconsider, at least until after college. I stayed with him for another year or so, but did not marry. A few months after I turned 21, we broke up... and believe me, I'm SO glad we did.

I grew so much between 18-23... so much. I think most people do. Your main priority should be on your education and other personal goals You can still date your boyfriend, but let that be a sideshow... not the main event. Your focus should be on bettering yourself because you have so many opportunities to do so.

I'm 25 now, and getting married this summer to an incredible man. This time it feels so right... I have graduated, had a few years to date around, started on my career path, and truly feel as though I am growing into myself. I know who I am, and I know what kind of person suits me best... and I wouldn't have known that I had rushed into marriage earlier.

Also, consider how this may affect your relationship with your father. Had I married the former boyfriend at 19, my relationship with my parents would have been damaged. They might have accepted it, but it would have been hard on everyone. Luckily, they love my fiance... and have ever since they first met him. It's so much easier when the parents approve- trust me.

I realize now that my dad has always been spot on with his advice and judgements. Parents are wise... listen to them.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 12:23 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

Your father is 100% right. If you only have 2 more years left to go until you graduate then what's the rush? Get married after you graduate. You say you don't have a job now. So wait until you are stable enough to support yourself. Once you graduate you will be able to get a decent job. You have the money to go to college so make good use of it. I wish I had money to go to college but I have loans. Consider yourself lucky that your college will be paid for. Many girls will want that instead of being burden by their student loans.


 

                           
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 12:31 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

Wow, I am really sorry your FH is the ONLY thing that puts a smile on your face. Nothing else in life makes you happy, eh? I think that right there means you need to take some time for yourself and figure out what makes you happy. And you can do this while being engaged to him, I'm not saying break up.

Also, after 4 months of dating, you were SO IN LOVE? Wow, who isn't? Wait til it's been 5 or 6 years and you're sharing a house and a bathroom and everything else in life. IT's a challenge and has WAY MORE to do with just being SO IN LOVE.

Great that your car is paid off, and great that you have some inheritance money. However you need a steady well paying job before moving out of your father's house. And I will tell you, honey, nothing in life is free. You have to WORK for everything...

EDIT: Also defying your father and whinign that u have a curfew and running off to get married really doesn't sound grown up to me. Work for your own place, move out and then you can make your own curfew and "spend every moment with your sweety"

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em


Edited by: NJ4Life on Feb 4, 2010 12:32 PM

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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 12:37 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

I don't care if you're 19 or 39, but right now it seems to me you are still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. Getting married to "spend more time together" is a stupid reason to get married. Getting married so you don't have to live with your Dad is a bad reason to get married. People come to my military SOs forums about every week and ask if they should get married to live together and be able to spend time together, and the answer is always a solid HELL NO. The reasons you give for wanting to get married point out to me that you're not ready.

I'm 19 too and also living with my Father. His house, his rules, period. You need to respect the fact that he's your dad, he's the one feeding you and putting a roof over your head and so you need to follow his rules.


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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 12:39 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

Even with the additional information, my opinion does not change. I think you need to wait.It seems like a lot of money, but 200K can go very quickly. Also, I understand your dad plans to leave you his home/property. But that might not be for 30 or 40 years. It's not something you should even consider or count on because a lot may happen between now and then. I understand it is frustrating because at 19 you feel like an adult. When I was that age, I was only allowed to see my boyfriend on weekends and had to be home when my parents said. Now, almost 10 years later, I am very glad my parents had been so structured with me. Why not talk to your dad and see if you can work out something with more free time and independence?

 

 

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 1:07 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

I agree with the PP's advice that 1) why not talk to your dad about the curfew/independence? and 2) save up some $$ if you can and rent a room somewhere, either with a family or roommates. It would, in fact, be really good for you to live on your own for a bit IMO before you move in with the BF. You can still be with him as much as you want if you're renting a room.

I don't totally understand parents who give their college-age children a curfew since my (pretty strict) parents never gave me one when I came home for college breaks even though I had one in high school, but on the other hand, you weren't in high school so long ago and I can understand a parent not being able to sleep so peacefully if you're not at home safe in your bed. But maybe you can talk to him about the fact that you know he worries, but he's raised you well and isn't there some compromise you can come to? Maybe come up with some ideas for types of compromises you could live with and discuss those with him.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 1:35 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

Also its really hard living here with my father, I am nineteen years old and he treats me like I am twelve.

Well, if you want to be treated like a grownup, act like a grownup. You're living in Daddy's house--so, it's Daddy's rules. You want to be a grownup? Get your own place and support yourself. Make your own decisions, and make them with confidence. If you're a grownup, you don't need to whine to a message board full of strangers. You (and Joshua) develop a plan and move forward. Frankly, you are way too your to be planning to get married. And, as young as a nineteen year old girl is, a nineteen year old boy is even younger. Even if you're "so in love" that you can't live without each other for two seconds, the statistics for divorces for marriages at your age are horrendous. And, by the way, why can't you spend time together without being married? Live together if you must? Or, are you rushing to get married so you can legalize sex? I know that most youngsters nowadays don't wait to have sex, but some do. However, wanting to have "legalized sex" is not a reason to rush into marriage.If this great love is for real and forever, it will last through your finishing school. Buy the way, what about Joshua? Does he have any education beyond high school? Does he plan on getting some? Will he be able to progress beyond an entry-level job if he doesn't? These are questions you should discuss.
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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 1:40 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

Umm why did you delete your orginal post Mrs Joshua?

Bottom line is that you sound too young to get married. Marriage isn't all butterflys and rainbows.
But you are an adult and daddy can't stop you. All you can do is take the advice of others and follow your heart. Just remember that sometimes the advice of others is the best advice.


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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 1:42 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

So you lived together while in HS, but your Daddy only lets you see him twice a week and expects you to be home at 9:00p.m. Interesting.

Listen, to be honest, many of us aren't going to tell you how to make it easier on your Dad because we agree with him. You can come back and change your story as many times as you like. It doesn't mean we will give any more advice. The fact that you keep editing your post really screams immaturity and just reinforces the idea that you need to wait.

If you are looking for someone to say "You poor baby. Your Daddy is so horrible and mean", it probably isn't going to happen.



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Edited by: Bride2008 on Feb 4, 2010 1:45 PM

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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 1:47 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Myra, for once I have to disagree with you here. I don't think it's OP's age that matters, but her maturity. Her reasons for wanting to get married would be just as bad if she was 29. True: she's not ready for marriage, false: she's not ready for marriage for the sole reason that she's 19.

I just don't think it's fair to throw around statistics or make assumptions about everyone who gets married at a young age. Yeah sure, there are statistics. So what? If an interracial couple came on here, would you throw statistics in their face? There are legitimate statistics that show interracial marriages are more likely to fail too. For some reason people (in general) seem to think it's only okay to throw statistics in the faces of people who are young, when in reality, it is not okay to throw them in anyone's face, interracial, young, whatever. People are not numbers.

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