Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??

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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 11:53 AM

We've been married for about 6 months now and I'm about to go insane. And it all started a few weeks ago because of his ex girlfriend. I have ALWAYS hated him talking to his ex. They were together for3 years and he almost asked her to marry him. I have told him over and over I didn't like it but for him I tolerated it. Then one nigh after he came back from a business trip to NY. She sent him a text saying "I'm disapointed in you.. You didn't stop by on your way home to see me" (she lives 3 hours away from us). That's when I said no more. We are married and it shouldn't be like this. I did t want it like this. So after a HUGE argument he said he'll talk to her and he left to go on a job (on a Sunday) so he comes home and says he told her not to call or text anymore. At first I told him I wanted her of his facebook and myspace as well but then I got to thinking and thought that wasn't fair so I told him it was ok to leave her on there and talk online.
So a few days later he gets a comment from a new chic... A young pretty girl he met while on that job site he went to that Sunday. I asked him why he searched her up or if they had just talked about facebook. Well that turne into another fight. Him saying I don't trust him. I have major insecurity issues and ALWAYS have. So yes I'm goig to ask my husband why he has befriended a young attractive girl he met on site. Just seems odd since in the 3 years we've been together he's never done that. I just wanted to talk about it but no I got yelled at and told to drop it. So I did!! Left it alone!

Last night he didn't talk to me when I came home. As we were eating I was talking about my friends who would both be at the concert we were aboutto go to. They are about together a divorce. I started telling him how her husband thought I was the perfect wife (was also going to say I told him every woman has issues) but he interupted me and said "he ovbiously doesn't know you too well". I told him that wasn't cool to say when he's been pretty grumpy towards me lately. He said he was saying it as a joke.
Ok... Whatever.

We get to the concert and meet up with his female cousin who is there with another guy we don't know because her husband couldn't come. My husband asks me "would you be mad if I took another girl to a concert?" I said well yea. And joked and said expecially if she was better looking than me. He said "so you think he looks better than her husband?" I said well...yea... THEN he suprises me by saying "well that's the difference between our marrige and one that has trust" WTF??? So yea I got pissed and stepped away from him so I wouldn't react.

A few min later he's trying to love on me and hold me and I'm For SURE not into it. He tells me to stop "being poop" (yea.....) and eventually I say ok and just enjoy myself.

On the way home we argue about the topic. He said he was hoping my insecurity would change when we got married. I said baby I've been this way my entire life. If I could chang ei WOULD I promise. I come from one heck of a messed up family and have been cheated on a few times. I don't think I'm anything special and wish I was more than I am.

He was a dick for the night and didn't say goodbye or love you this morning. He's still being a dick to me while I try to figure out what to do. He said I'm acting like I'm in highschool??? Because I don't want my husband talking to his ex. Oh and instead of explaining situations to me he rather cause a fight (the new chic.. She was on her facebook when he got there and they had a chat about it. THAT it's at all bad and I would have understood that and would have never been an issue. But he couldn't do that. He thinks it's none of my business and I shouldn't care. I think we should always be able to ask questions and get truthfull answers.)

I tried getting him to talk to the preacher who married us with me but he shot that idea down. I'm about to lose it. Between this and my MAJOR dickhead of a boss I'm going to snap.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 12:39 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time. To answer the question in your title, most people say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Ours was fairly harmonious, but our year of engagement was tough, so maybe we just got it out of our systems then.

Ok, you're probably not going to like what I have to say, so consider yourself forewarned!

You need to loosen up and get over your insecurities, or you'll end up driving your husband away. Get some counseling to help you work through your issues from the past. I understand having some insecurity, particularly if you've have a tough upbringing and have been cheated on, but this is not normal. It sounds like you need professional help to work through these issues. I suggest that you get it, or your marriage will continue to suffer.

You are right to expect questions to be answered truthfully, but you also need to trust your husband and give him some freedom, or else he'll start feeling like you're his mom or jailer. I'd go insane if DH asked me about every interaction I had with a member of the opposite sex. You can't expect him never to talk to women. And really - it's not her fault that she happens to be pretty, nor is it his fault that his job put him in contact with a woman who happens to be pretty. As far as the ex goes, I understand why you're uncomfortable, but it seems extreme to ask him to stop being friends with her. Who cares what their relationship was years ago? Personally, I think it's normal to stay in touch with people who were once a big part of one's life. Perhaps you just need to define the boundaries a little better, so that they can still be friends, but she doesn't expect him to drive 3 hours out of his way to hang out with her.

If you continue on this route, you're going to force him to hide things from you, which is NOT what you want. I've been in a relationship like that - my boyfriend was so jealous that I felt I had to hide innocent friendships from him, which put a huge void between us and eventually led to the end of the relationship. In addition to that, I turned to another male friend for advice/venting, became closer to him than I was to boyfriend, and eventually decided that my relationship sucked and I wanted to meet someone more like my friend. Believe me, I have been there and I tried to make that relationship work - but there was no way to win. I felt harassed all the time, like I couldn't be polite to a stranger for fear of causing an argument. You need to find a way to let this go or you WILL drive your husband away. What you've described is not a marriage - it's a jail.

That said, I do not believe your husband is 100% innocent in this, either, as it sounds like he's egging on the hostility by making the comments and jokes that you've described. I'm willing to bet that he's starting to get pretty sick of the constant jealousy and is (consciously or subconsciously) sabotaging the relationship by bringing these issues up. What did he think would happen when he commented that you wouldn't let him bring another woman to a concert?

The bottom line is that you need professional help, both for yourself and for your marriage. First off, you need individual counseling to get over your jealousy. Secondly, you and your husband need to discuss your feelings about the whole thing. It sounds like he's pretty frustrated, but making passive aggressive remarks is hurting the relationship more. Both issues need to be addressed and worked out if you want this marriage to work. If nothing changes, you're in for either a short marriage or a very stressful and unhappy longer one.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 12:45 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

You got married? I didn't think you got married. Sorry, forgive me if I'm wrong but I could have sworn you were one of the girls on here that was having trust issues before the wedding and didn't know what to do and was always having arguments and was always angry at her fiance....

But maybe I got you confused with someone else lol. I think you should really sit down and have a talk with your husband and tell him how much it hurts for him to be chatting and looking at other girls. If he doesn't listen to what you're telling him or if he continues on with this kind of behavior then he doesn't respect you.

I agree with Artbride about going to counseling. It sounds like you both will benefit from it and help you out.



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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 1:40 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

No my husband and I are best friends. We have our moments and he's done some dumb damn things... But never anything too bad. I did have to stop and think before marrying him because he is horrible about saying hurtful things without thinking twice.

I don't care if he looks at other women... Hell I check out other men!! I love to LOOK at a man in uniform and work as a dispatcher parttime lol (cops are nuts. Sorry to those married to one lol just personal observation).

I'll stepback and swollow my issues. I KNOW he would never cheat on me. He really is a great guy but just doesn't think before he speaks. I just feel like everyone is better than me. Sucks :( one of my buddies tells me all the time that I'm beautiful and on hell of a catch and that my husband is very lucky and I've herd it a few times. Makes me feel good for a little bit but I always revert back to being no one. I need to wok on that. Hubby also tells me I'm beautiful which I love! But I think it's deeper issues with me that I'm aware of.


Thank u girls. I'll do my very best to get off his case.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 1:42 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

One word: counseling. And I'll add the Dear Abby P.S. and say that if he won't go with you, go alone.

You're being too jealous and controlling. He's not only not being understanding, but is also provoking. None of this makes for a healthy, trusting relationship.

My husband has a slight jealous streak, but he says his piece and then leaves it alone. He doesn't keep harping on me. In return, I'm upfront about the fact that yes, I have a couple of exes as Facebook friends, and if either of them were ever in town and wanted to get together for dinner, I would invite hubby along. I had one super-jealous BF in the past and there was definitely stuff that I hid from him b/c I didn't want to deal with his crap when I was completely innocent. Not to say that your DH is completely innocent in that he seems to be deliberately doing stuff that's annoying and being snotty about it, but your behavior won't encourage him to be honest with you.

Good luck.

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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 1:50 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

It's good that you realize that you need to "get off his case" but you need to work on the reason for the jealousy in the first place, or it won't get better. If you get off his case about these other women, but they are still bothering you, it will really ruin your relationship. You will always have this little "streak of jealousy" in the back of your mind and it will cause you to distrust your husband. You need to get to the bottom of the issue, not just try and push it to the back of your mind and not talk about it.

"Swallowing" your issues doesn't make them go away. It makes you more reserved, breaks down communication lines, and will probably have a toll on you as an individual. Please, for the sake of your marriage, don't swallow the issues but work on them.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

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Edited by: AmyJustin2010 on Feb 3, 2010 1:50 PM

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 2:05 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Ok I am going to be really honest here. This all sounds SO immature to me. "she's prettier than me", "stop talking to her", "you're being a poop" (although I say that to DH all the time) This is exactly how every HS relationship goes.

It's called communication and mature discussions which is what grown up married adults do. And you need to grow up and stop being so jealous and crazed. Being jealous is natural and most of the time it can't be helped but you can change how you act on your feelings.

I gave good reason for my DH not to trust me from decisions I made in the past. However b/c we TALKED about it in a mature fashion he trusts me more and more each day. I don't think we would have made any progress if we didn't talk abuot it and he just badgered me constantly about every little thing. You DONT trust him if you kep hounding him like that. Esepcially since you say he never gave you a reason not to trust him.

You probably need to talk to a professional b/c you always seem to have problems like this.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 2:13 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

Amen, NJ. And listen to Amy, too.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 3:42 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

While it does sound like he's behaving passive-aggressively, it also sounds like when he actually talks to you about it, you just fight, and nothing changes. While I certainly think that partners should occasionally do things to help the other feel secure in their relationship, it doesn't sound like there's anything he can do -- especially since you say you know that he would never cheat on you.

So, seems to me that if you want to stay together, you need to address your insecurities. Or else, you will drive him away.

Sorry, but that's just true.

You have issues with counselors? I suggest you try it again. Think of it this way -- if you had issues with doctors, but got cancer, you'd get over them to save your life. Your jealousy is a cancer on your relationship, and you need to work it out with a trained professional in order to save your marriage. You've been working on fixing it yourself for awhile now; it's time to admit that you need help.

Good luck.

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MrsS2010 Posts : 336 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 4:05 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Yes, you are insecure. Its not news since you admitted it yourself. Its up to you to get help with it because not only are you hurting your DH with it but yourself as well. You wont be able to feel the complete happiness and trust in your marriage unless you do work out your insecurity. You probably dont even realize how much it affects you two until you get a taste of how life is without it!:)

But putting that obvious issue aside - I am willing to bet that you would have a lot less bickering and negative feelings between the two of you if he wouldnt continuously poke and prod to get under your skin with pointless comments that he makes without thinking. My FH had that issue for a long time in our relationship. Saying things out of anger and not thinking twice about it and later apologizing. It was hard for me not to get down to his level when I was being made to feel like this horrible person - even though I was fully aware that he didnt mean these things. Well let me tell you I wouldnt have agreed to marry him if thats how things continued to be. The way we handled things didnt include counseling even though thats something that we probably could have used. But we both talked about what was the biggest issue each of us had and put real effort into fixing it because we knew our relationship will end if things DIDNT change. Was it hard to shut my mouth and take a deep breath in instead of lashing out back at him when his efforts failed in putting his words through a filter before letting them out?? Yes, ten times harder than I thought it would be. But him seeing changes in me is what kept him going. Its so nice to just be able to freely enjoy our relationship and not feeling like Im walking on eggshells.

I actually used this book called The Love Dare to help me put things into perspective. Im not big on self-help books, never turned to them. And I didnt really this one in doing what it said for each day for 40 days. I just mainly read it and it helped me a TON. Might be worth checking out!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 4:44 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Dear LTG,

As you might know, I've been married 33+ years.

A long time ago, probably Year One, I made up my mind that in the next 33+ years my husband would work with, be acquainted with, talk to other women. Some of those women might be prettier than I am. Some might be younger (especially now) than I am. Whatever.

It would happen.

The only time I would get upset about one of these women would be if:

1. She came after him
2. He went after her

Get it?

What use do either of us have in a woman who is going after him? He has no use; I have no use.

If he's going to go after her, then great, she can have him AFTER he settles up with me. He can't go after her before settling up with me. He can't have me and someone else at the same time.

The vast majority (99.999999%) of the women he meets at work, in the neighborhood, in "life" are just regular nice women who have no interest in getting involved with a married man. He's worked with and for lots of women over the years. We've had lots of neighbors, lots of church-related activities, lots of Scouts and other school related activites when our children were younger. I have never been jealous of any of these women.

Similarly, I have worked with, interacted with and otherwise known various men over the years. My husband doesn't have a problem unless one of them go after me or I go after them. The vast majority of the men I know are just regular nice men who have no interest in getting involved with a married woman.

That's how we handle it. It works for us. We have 33 years of success to prove it.

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 8:40 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

LilTuffGirl, I just wanted to point out one thing that I noticed as you recounted your fights with your husband. Every time you two had a little bicker-exchange, you say "whatever" and walk away. Or you argue about it, but don't solve anything. It sounds to me like you suck in your problems too much and just dwell on them (or argue about them) rather than trying to talk it through and fix them without the yelling or the accusations. And, frankly, I don't think you're any better than him with some of this stuff. You don't want your husband to talk to his ex girlfriend, but you just casually mention that your friend's husband (who she's divorcing) thinks you're the perfect wife? If he's unhappy in his marriage, that statement right there was basically an admission of having feelings for you. I understand wanting your husband to know that other people see what he might be missing, and that you just want him to tell you that you're a wonderful wife, but that's not the right context to do it in.

I think you guys need to take a step back and focus on the larger issues of the relationship. If you trust him, act like it--otherwise, you'll only push him away.

Once I stopped in at my husband's job (when we first got engaged) and could see him through the window as I was walking inside. He had his face right in front of his really cute coworker, having a staring contest or something like that, I don't know. They were just close enough together that, to me, it looked awfully flirty. So I took a breath and gave him a look when he saw me, then moved on. Later, when we were alone (because in public your fights will always be much worse, I guarantee you), I asked him what he was doing when I came in. He said something like the staring contest or whatever, I can't remember now, and then I told him, "Well, it made me uncomfortable how close you were to her." He didn't understand why, told me he was just joking around, and finally the truth came out. It bugged me because she had the same body type, same hair color, pale skin, everything he likes about me, except I felt she was much prettier. Throughout the conversation, and especially more now than ever, I've realized that the looks don't matter so much. He picked me because he loves me overall. Maybe she was a lot cuter than me (he'd never say so), but she wouldn't understand him the way I do, or she doesn't have the same sense of humor, or she was into drugs or something--there's always something YOU have that SHE doesn't. Your husband needs to be sensitive to this and point out the things that you have that he loves about you. TELL HIM that's what you need, because he probably doesn't just know. Since that issue, my husband has been much more sensitive to how he treats other women. He didn't even realize how flirty he was being with her, and he's never done anything like it since.

Best of luck with this, and let us know how it works out.


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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 12:16 AM Go to message in response to: Jream

Hmmm...I agree with the other poster who says that this sounds very immature, and very high school like.

But...

It's not just you. It sounds like he is being immature too (for example, the "perfect wife" comment...he shouldn't be saying things like that to you if he knows your self esteem is shakey). Some of the situations you described, I think you are completely over-reacting. Other time, I can see why you are upset.

I am not a jealous person. I don't really understand jealousy between members of the opposite sex. And I could not tolerate jealously in my relationship, so in that sense, I can see where your husband would be bothered.

With that said, I think it sucks that he wouldn't agree to talk to the pastor with you. Is he religious? Is it the "pastor" part that makes him say no, or the counselling part altogether? Because I think it would be very helpful to see a counsellor together, and like the others said, maybe for yourself too.

(I've been in counselling before. To me, it's not a big deal...might as well solve problems before they turn into even bigger problems, right?)
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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 8:33 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

This all sounds SO immature to me. "she's prettier than me", "stop talking to her", "you're being a poop" (although I say that to DH all the time) This is exactly how every HS relationship goes.

Exactly my first thoughts. This doesn't sound like an adult, married couple. This sounds like a couple of jealous teenagers.

I didn't realize that this was the girl who made the 'I have a thing against counselors' comment. I don't remember the context, but I remember writing verbatim 'You'd better get over your thing against counselors, or else your marriage won't last very long.' Though I don't remember what the issue was last time, I stand by that advice. This OP needs to see a professional and work through these issues - her own issues and the ones in her marriage - or it's not going to last any longer than those HS relationships NJ alluded to. I know that this OP has posted many stupid issues like this, though in fairness, I can't remember whether I'm getting her mixed up with someone else, so I'm not going to comment any further except to say that the fact that I (who visit here less and less) recognize her profile photo and remember her as someone who has had some major issues says a lot.

OP, please listen to the PP who said that looks don't matter, as she made some great points. I think you'd feel better if you kept them in mind. I'll use my husband as an example. There are many men in the world who are better looking than he is (though he's not bad, himself...hehe!), but he's the one I want. At the end of the day, does a six-pack or nice arms or perfect skin make me feel better? Not really - it's just nice to look at. It's his personality - the essence of HIM - that I love. And nobody else has that. I'm sure your husband feels that way about you.

While that's a good way of looking at it, you still need professional help. You have a LOT of personal issues that need to be worked out. You can't just say, 'Ok, I'll stop nagging' because that WON'T solve the problem. You need to work through the problem, not bury it - and you obviously haven't had any luck in doing so on your own, so I suggest that you get over your thing against counselors and get the help that you need.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Is the 1st year suppose to be the hardest??
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 10:23 AM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Hi LilTuff :-)

I had to say something about this because I had similar feelings for the first year I started dating my FH. I have/had pretty bad self esteem myself, stemming from an emotionally abusive relationship I had in my late teen years that pretty much shattered any self-worth I had, and another relationship a bit later where I actually got engaged to the guy, then found out he had been cheating on me with multiple women.

SO..that being said...I know where you're coming from. I know what it's like to feel like almost every woman around you is better looking/thinner/more successful/generally better than you. It's like every woman that walks by your man feels like a threat to you. And it sucks!!! I had such a problem with this that it put a huge damper on our relationship, and he actually DUMPED me for a week because of my insecurities (he came crawling back to me a week later at 4am, crying at my door. But anyway....lol)

Guess what I found? Yes, FH talked to other women. Yes, he was friendly with them. But he was ONLY being friendly. You have to understand that the world is made up of 50% women - you can't realistically expect him to never be friends with a female. I'm willing to bet you have some 100% platonic male friends.

You have to do YOURSELF a favor and find a way to stop fretting about this. When you stop being so insecure about your DH's actions, you will feel so much less stressed and you'll be able to breathe again, and so will he. Again, I understand the low self-esteem problem. Please do something to make yourself feel better about you. Get a gorgeous, expensive haircut. Get a bi-weekly mani/pedi. Buy a hot new dress or some lingerie. Join a gym (this did wonders for my self-esteem and it's something FH and I do together). Do something to make yourself feel like the worthy, sexy, beautiful woman you are!

If you work on yourself, your relationship will benefit. :-)

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