Oh wow. This is a really hard position to be in and I'm not sure that any advice I can give you would be at all helpful.

When is you wedding - you haven't listed a date? Who else is in the WP if anyone?

Are you haing a large wedding?

That's really sad that she's putting you through all this. If she can't afford it, it's totally understandable and she needs to just step up and say something.

Here's what I would do. Quit bringing it up to her, even though I know you need to know. Let her take her time and give her the space she needs. Even though she's in the wrong here, it doesn't seem like she's going to compromise and admit it. If she tells you last minute her kids can't be in the wedding party, then they can't. Don't worry about replacing them. If your short 2 BM and don't have the RB, it's not the end of the world. I wouldn't worry about asking anyone else at all, because I know if I was asked (or if I had kids and they were asked) as a replacement I would be really upset. It's not fair for the 2nd choice.

Hopefully she'll come around and give you the answers that you need. I wish you the best of luck!

Was she planning on getting used dresses in the style that you picked, or were they going to be completely different dresses? Or did you not even pick out specific styles? Because you could try to have a serious talk with her about the money issues and everything (away from the chidlren) and then help her find used dresses in those styles online or whatever. I have a feeling that she feels you're not being understanding about her situation and that you've asked a lot of her--not that any of that is true entirely, but that's just what she might feel. Try to ease her out of that thinking by helping her with this as much as you can--if not financially, then at least supportively.

The only reason I take this side is because I believe that excluding her and her children from your wedding (no matter whose fault it is) will leave a more lasting impression than if they were in the wedding. If she's this rude to you even while being in your wedding, then imagine how she'd be years from now, constantly making sarcastic comments to you about being excluded. It's just not worth the strain on your relationship.

Also, if your mother died only a few years ago, then she's probably still grieving. The fact that she has to be the one "playing" your mother in your wedding instead of having your actual mother there is probably stressing her out too. I don't know because I don't know you guys, but that's certainly how I would feel in the same situation, and my older sister would flat out refuse to be the "mother" of the bride in that situation simply because of how sad the whole thing is. Try to talk to her about your mother. She doesn't strike me as the type to talk about things much, but if you give her the right subject and the right situation, she might and it might help you guys get closer.

And I am going to say what is oft said in advice columns. There is no shame in cutting toxic people out of your life, even (and especially) if they are family members.

You've said she has bullied you your entire life. You mention that you and she have never really gotten along.

I suspect you've maintained a relationship with this person for one reason and one reason only...she is your sister. If your best friend pulled this crap on you, you'd give her the boot.

So I'm going to give you the harsh advice. Don't take her bullying any longer. Cut her out of your life. You don't need someone to "play the mother of the bride". Everyone you know knows that your mother passed. Whereas AOTB played a very prominent role in her niece's wedding...she also played a very prominent role in her niece's life prior to that. Your sister has not earned the HONOR of standing in for your mother. She's been a right royal cow to you your entire life.

Cut her. And if that means no children in the wedding party, so what. Flower Girl and Ring Bearer are roles that were created to showcase cute relations, and the roles are not required.

Give her until a certain date (don't bug her until that date) to obtain the necessary attire for the wedding (if she gets substitutes, at least look at them prior to ruling them out. And do be fair in their assessment...but don't take ugly cheap junk from her either). If she doesn't have the requisite outfits by that date (make it the week prior to your printing your programs. Otherwise, kicking them out requires a reprint), then tell her that you're sorry, but she and her brood will not be able to be in the wedding. When she accuses YOU of kicking them out, tell her that you did not....she did, by HER refusal to cooperate with you in any way. Yes, the kids are going to be the victims here, and their mother is going to vilify you. She probably won't come to the wedding.

That's her choice. And let this be something that shows you where she really places your feelings. You've given her ample opportunity to say "this is a financial burden". You asked her if she wanted said financial burden prior to asking the children. She is the one who has behaved badly... and yes, she'll badmouth you.

This is why we remove the toxic people from our lives. If by some miracle she comes through, then perhaps she's showing a willingness to change the relationship dynamic. but if she's bullied you her entire life, this is a behaviour pattern that will not change unless she gets some consequences. (And even then, she may not change.)

Your parents should have put a stop to this nonsense when you were growing up. They didn't. And now that the glue that bound you together is gone, the relationship might well fracture irreparably.

And that is okay.

Misty

Francie: That's true, in some families there are spats. And then in some families, there are serious issues. And I just don't believe that it is up to someone to always be the hero in repairing the relationship.

Let me tell you about the sister of a friend of mine. She just decided that it was over.

1. Early in my friend's first marriage, the sister arranged with her own husband and my friend's husband a threesome. They didn't ask my friend if she was cool with hubby participating in said threesome (note: I'm not excusing Dickweed here. But any sister who would MAKE A PLAN for a threesome with her sister's husband, disregarding her sister's wishes, is wrong. )

2. Said sister constantly bullied my friend, but my friend didn't have a spine, so she'd constantly apologize for whatever happened, so that they could 'be close'

3. Sister would also do things and get my friend blamed for them, so while sister did the crime, my friend did the time (grounding, punishment, so to speak)

4. Sister's son pulled a knife on friend's daughters. But it was okay, because they were threatening him with a potpourri spray (which they were threatening him with because he'd already done other things to them, and this was the weapon they could find)

5. Sister went on myspace and wrote an awful tirade about friend (because friend has now moved a couple of hours away from her parents...so sister is now expected to do some of the work in parental maintenance) and called friend all sorts of awful names. Friend's daughter is her sister's friend on myspace, and emailed her aunt that she didn't think it was nice that sister said all these things. Sister then called and yelled at my friend about what her daughter said. Friend made daughter apologize, but sister didn't apologize for her own lies.

6. This year at Thanksgiving, Sister wouldn't even talk to niece, even though she'd been apologized to. Why? Because of the email. Never mind that this is a child who was hurt that her aunt would say such mean things about her mother in a public forum, the sister is of course the angel here. So sister gave the niece cold shoulder. (this was last straw for my friend)

7. Sister constantly ignores phone calls/texts from family, but if she calls/texts family, they best up and respond immediately

8. Sister then took it upon herself to reconcile the family with my friend's ex-husband (who is still being quite an ass to my friend, and who still frequently calls her lovely and charming names that rhyme with witch on the phone). Yes, Friend eventually wants to be on speaking terms with X, for the kids sake; however, sister chose to inform the ex about everything going on in my friend's life--because it was just the decent thing to do.

9. Sister is quite hateful to my friend's husband. This is a really great guy who treats his step kids as if they were his own, and basically FINANCIALLY cared for them the year that it took to get the custody settled and child support started. X hasn't paid any of the back child support, nor has he paid the past year of medical expenses (he's supposed to, but getting him to do so is difficult). She hates the guy because he has made my friend realize that she has value and doesn't have to take nonsense off of people.

10. While my friend is willing to accept that there are things she has done to hurt her sister, her sister insists that she is perfect in every way and that my friend has no right to feel slighted.

Basically... after a lifetime of bullying and belittling, my friend finally stood up to her sister, and her sister didn't like it. The end result: they are not speaking.

I don't know how close our OP's sister is in behaviour to my friend's sister. But there are times when it is up to us to stop being the "hero" in our relationships with others, and just say "Enough. I deserve to be treated better than you are capable of doing. And I'm done." It is not selfish to stand up for our own well being.

Misty

she didn't find out about the threesome until she was going through the divorce (but she suspected it and sister denied it... and she wanted to believe sister). There's a whole lot of other things too...like the leech aunt who only goes around family members when she deems they are dying, then she ingratiates herself to them so that she'll get a whole lot of stuff from the house; the mother who is now in a coma and the father who is pretty much incapable of dealing with life because of it. NOT the best time to cut a sister out of your life (she only kept the sister for the parents, but she's done even if the timing sucks). But yeah, this is one for the Springer show. It would probably make the Top Ten Springer Show moments. And yeah, parents who never really tried to stop the one sister from bullying the other. Or hold the lying sister to account for her lies. Now, she lies just to do it.

Hopefully, the OP can read that and go "OMG.... I'm glad that isn't my sister!" rather than "Gee, I wish that was all I had to deal with"

Misty

Cat, I just threw up a little bit in my mouth when I read about the sister/bro in law threesome. And then I thought, hey, this isn't so unlike my first marriage. I guess I should of gone on Springer. At least I'd of made some money. And at least your friend's dirtbag ex is paying some support, she can take whatever she can get, it really sucks that it is SO tough to collect that money. I eventually realized I spent a lot of time using energy being pissed, and finally just focused on increasing my income and distancing myself from him completely. And now, based on HIS behavior, none of his kids even talk to him anymore (they are adults now), one changed her number so he couldn't reach her, and will again if he gets this one.

I am guessing my ex is similar in moral character to your friend's ex, and her family for choosing to befriend him?? wow. I'm glad she has a friend like you, though, cause she sure doesn't have family that has her back in any way. wow again.

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