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Constant Fighting

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dickerson2be Posts : 19 Registered: 12/8/09
Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 28, 2009 2:09 PM

So we just got engaged on 12/3....and now we can't stop fighting! I don't know what is going on. I am extremely frustrated and I'm at the point of giving up. I do love him and I don't doubt that he loves me. But lately I feel like he's been bossing me around instead of asking me to take care of things. All of the sudden it's "You're gonna do _____" instead of "can you do some laundry?" He has never been this way in the 3 years we have been together and if our marriage is going to be like that I don't want any part of it! Has anyone else experienced this? how did you get through it? It just seems like talking to him is a dead end now. We literally spent the entire holiday weekend not talking to each other and I can't stand another day of it.

Lindsey

The future Mrs. Dickerson

 

january_2011 , indiana
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 28, 2009 2:18 PM Go to message in response to: dickerson2be

Well, I think premarital counseling might be a really good idea.

Good luck.

 

 

 

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MrsPaul Posts : 186 Registered: 1/15/08
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 28, 2009 2:32 PM Go to message in response to: dickerson2be

I've got to be honest... the first few months of my engagement were a nightmare! I personally think that there was a different kind of stress on our relationship that we didn't really realize or expect. For us, we dug right into wedding planning and went full steam ahead. His complaint was that now everything was about the wedding and of course mine was that he could care less about the wedding. For me I know I started to second guess myself. I knew I loved him but was that enough? I started analyzing every aspect of our relationship to find any minute flaw. I'd kind of avoided serious relationships prior to this and kept thinking I needed to find a "way out" instead of just letting our realtionship take its own course.

Of course now that we've been married for close to year and a half, I couldn't be happier! I won't lie, we both have STRONG personalities and we still argue. Problem is we both like a good argument. :) I guess what you have to figure out is if this behavior is linked to the engagement or if your are possibly more sensitive now then you were before. I'm certainly not judging and you are completely right that you don't have to tolerate being spoken to like that. Pack your stuff and move on if that's the way he plans on treating you for the long haul... Good luck!
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september_2008 , january_2011 , new_hampshire , indiana
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 28, 2009 3:55 PM Go to message in response to: dickerson2be

Dear Mrs D,

You've got a good long time before W-Day.

I suggest you and FH go in for couples counseling. Talk about the fighting in a neutral, supportive atmosphere, then listen to what the counselor says about fair fighting vs being a big jerk.

Could be he's being a big jerk, and this is what you have to look forward to.

Or, he could just be stressed and lacks coping techniques.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 29, 2009 10:12 AM Go to message in response to: dickerson2be

Yikes! I can't imagine my DH telling me "You're gonna do laundry"... I am sure I would take him out for that! :)

I do think it is normal for tension to increase during an engagement, but it is also a time when red flags can start popping up. I suggest you pay close attention to any red flags you see and definitely set up pre-marital counseling as soon as possible. My DH and I went to counseling for six months prior to marriage and it was so helpful. In the meantime, you are not married yet, so be strong and be smart.


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january_2011 , north_carolina , indiana
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 29, 2009 11:38 AM Go to message in response to: dickerson2be

We fought much more in the first 6 months we were engaged than we ever have before or since.

Here's the thing: people react to change differently. Some couples get really stressed when they first move in together, others are fine. Some get stressed when they first get engaged, and others breeze through it. Other people have a hellish first year of marriage. I don't think it's abnormal for you to be fighting now that major changes are happening in your lives and relationship. Transition can be stressful.

Personally, I didn't expect to be stressed at all during our engagement. As far as the wedding itself goes, I was totally laid-back and nothing really fazed me. But as far as everything else goes, forget about it! I was an overly-sensitive mess - and I was perfectly prepared to be getting married! I think I was constantly comparing our relationship to my idea of what an engaged couple should be like - an in so doing, I put a lot of pressure on us to be constantly happy. Meanwhile, life didn't stop - I was just overreacting to all the little day-to-day pressures, and my overreactions caused us to argue more than usual, which of course kept the cycle going, because I'd think to myself, 'We're never going to agree on how to raise a child if we can't even agree on what to have for dinner!' or something equally overdramatic. A couple months before the wedding, I finally stopped stressing about being the perfect engaged couple and life went back to normal.

Also, I think that some part of me was making a final reevaluation of DH and our relationship, which probably put some additional internal pressure on me. That little voice inside of me was still saying, 'Make absolutely sure that this is what you want,' so when he would do something that moderately annoyed me while we were dating, that little voice piped up with, 'Can you deal with this for the rest of your life?' Every so often, a topic would come up that we disagree on, and while we both enjoyed debating these things while we were dating, when we were engaged, the little voice in my head piped up with, 'Hey - is this going to be a problem down the road? What will you tell your children?'

It's not that I didn't think about these things before getting engaged - I definitely did, and we had talked about all the things you're supposed to talk about during our 7 years together - but when we got engaged, they took on a different dimension. And it's good to be thinking of these things, at least in the back of your mind - but they do add stress, which can come out as arguements.

I don't have much advice, except to say that this sounds fairly normal to me. All couples go through periods where they fight more often than normal, and it makes sense for one of those periods to be happening now that you're in a transitional period of life. At the same time, however, I think your worries are valid. Marriage DOES change some people, and if you're getting a taste of that now, it's wise to take that into consideration. Premarital counseling will be a huge help in general, but for this specific issue, it should help you to work through your fears and figure out whether you're just picking fights with each other because you're stressed, or whether this will be normal for you if you decide to marry.

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january_2011 , indiana
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 29, 2009 12:07 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I have to agree with Artbride. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is magnified about 1000x during an engagement. Or I guess any major life change. Think about when a loved one has passed away or something as life changing as that....did you find yourself snippier than normal? Or think about any major change in your FH's life in the past...did he become snippier? It happens. We can't all be super friendly and cheerful 24/7. And this is something you DEFINITELY learn living with someone and being married to someone.

I think a lot of women (men too) out there need to stop taking everything so personally and taking everything to heart. We are all entitled to stuipid behavior, bad attitudes and grumpiness once in a while. If I took everything DH said to heart when he first woke up in the morning, and vice versa, we'd have been divorced A LONG TIME AGO! Just this morning I told him I hated him for letting his alarm go off so many times at 5:15am. (I meant it too. at that instant i loathed him) Sometimes I ask him what he wants for dinner that night and he bites my head off! But as you grow together you know these things about each other and you just let it roll off your back.

It's also important to TALK about this stuff. If he says something that really bothers you (like the laundry thing) ask him why he said it like that...maybe he didnt mean it the way it came across. Or maybe he was really being a jerk. In which case you need to ask him to think about it the next time before he says something.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

october_2008 , january_2011 , indiana , central_new_jersey
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paralegal05 Posts : 116 Registered: 3/19/09
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 29, 2009 12:27 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I agree with ArtBride and NJ. Everything they said was right on the nail for FH and I. We fought a lot when we first got engaged and now that we have been engaged for almost a year it has gotten so much better. We still have the normal disagreements but we are now able to step a side and say that its silly! When we first got engaged I held us to a standard that was almost impossible to live up to. Just because you are engaged does not mean you are always going to be all smiles. There are going to be times when you want to yell and scream or even walk away. If you two can make it through this hard time you will be able to make it through a lot of things!

october_2008 , ohio , january_2011 , indiana , central_new_jersey
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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 29, 2009 3:30 PM Go to message in response to: dickerson2be

Love isn't all rainbows and butterflies. There are times when you will fight. My FH and I have gotten into silly arguements. The important thing is how you resolve them. Communication is the key. Talk things through and tell him how you feel. If all comes to worse then go to counseling.

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connecticut , january_2011 , october_2010 , indiana
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dickerson2be Posts : 19 Registered: 12/8/09
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 29, 2009 4:10 PM Go to message in response to: paralegal05

Thanks for all of the advice everyone....glad to know that I'm not alone! We did some talking last night and we are going to try to be more sensative to each other...I guess I've been saying some mean stuff too lol! We will be going through pre-cana, so hopefully that will help us work out the few issues we need before the wedding. He is not usually the type to be demading and bossy, and we usually work very well together to get housework, etc done. We both do our fair share of contributing. I guess I have just been slacking off though. We have both been under so much stress with all of the deaths (our family has had 4 deaths in the past year), the holidays, his health, money, and we just purchased a home, so the stress level is very high! I think that we are both a little on edge and after the new year it will calm down. At least I'm hoping!

Thanks for the advice everyone...I love how everyone on this site is so willing to help!

Lindsey

The future Mrs. Dickerson

 

october_2008 , ohio , january_2011 , indiana , central_new_jersey
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 30, 2009 9:30 AM Go to message in response to: dickerson2be

Im not going to lie...we didnt get anything out of Pre-Cana. To us, it was a total joke and a waste of a Saturday. So don't expect much. They treat you like you just met each other and you never had a fight before. It was pretty insulting actually. If you want to get some counseling or just talk, I'd suggest your priest one on one or a counselor. It doesnt really sound like you need one, but it can't hurt.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

october_2008 , ohio , january_2011 , indiana , central_new_jersey
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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 30, 2009 10:53 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

Yeah.... I'm going to echo NJ. Don't necessarily pin all your hopes on Pre-Cana.

Now, I'll be honest, DH and I might have gotten more out of it if we hadn't gone in being irritated with it taking up our weekend. (Where does everyone but me find one day courses? We had 4 hours on Saturday and 8 on Sunday).

Ours had no individual counselling - just big groups and breakout sessions with the two of us.

 

north_carolina , august_2009 , indiana , central_new_jersey , october_2008 , ohio , january_2011
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 30, 2009 5:20 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

Im not going to lie...we didnt get anything out of Pre-Cana. To us, it was a total joke and a waste of a Saturday.

Ladies, I think pre-Cana is done differently in every church and in every diocese. My understanding is that 'pre-Cana' is simply an umbrella term used by the Catholic church to mean 'religion-focused premarital counseling.' Some people I know had to attend a Saturday workshop for pre-Cana, like NJ mentioned - ours was totally different. Our pre-Cana was a series of private meetings with the priest who eventually married us, and was much like secular premarital counseling, but with the addition of religious topics at times. At the first meeting, we both had to separately answer a series of questions about our feelings on a multitude of issues that often cause stress in a marriage. Our answers were then compared so the priest would know what issues we were on the same page about and what issues we should discuss further. We breezed through the things that we agreed on and spent more time discussing issues where we differed or one (or both) of us expected difficulties down the road. Our meetings were always just us and the priest and while he had a list of points that every couple should discuss (and our answers from the intial questionnaire), he generally let us direct the discussion. When we had questions or concerns about some of the religious stuff he wanted us to discuss, he offered information and advice. So my experience with pre-Cana was very different from the others who have chimed in, but I know that it varies by diocese, church, and priest. If you do your pre-Cana and it sucks, like NJ's did, I would go for some additional counseling, either with your priest or to a secular counselor. If it's more like mine, you'll probably be Ok.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

october_2008 , ohio , january_2011 , indiana , central_new_jersey
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Dec 31, 2009 10:23 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Yea actually our whole process was the Pre-Cana day along with 3-4 meetings with our deacon over a few months. So I guess i Was speaking about the Pre-Cana day itself which is the pointless part. My favorite part of the whole process with our Deacon was the test we took. We "passed" with flying colors! haha. No but I guess if you are not compatible people, and answer all questions differently than your partner, it's good fuel for discussions. So I thought the test was really cool and I think we kept our results.

But yes, sitting around with about 20 other couples (or more), getting "advice" on how to fight & compromise with each other is ridiculous to me. I would think if you don't have the tools to fight or compromise with your partner already, then you wouldnt be sitting there in the first place. Then I think there was a part where we had to dicuss with each other our goals and stuff. COME ON, really?! Would I be 4 months away from my wedding without EVER mentioning this stuff to my fiance?!

And Art you are right, it totally depends on the Diocese. Some require the whole weekend and some require ANY form of pre-cana. (one day or weekend--and they have options on the website)

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

october_2008 , ohio , january_2011 , indiana , central_new_jersey
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Re: Constant Fighting
Posted: Sep 17, 2012 3:00 PM Go to message in response to: dickerson2be

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