cold feet?

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
cold feet?
Posted: Dec 5, 2009 11:38 AM

I have a similiar situation and need advise. My finace and I got engaged 7/09, planned for destination wedding 5/10. We have been happy, no major issues then on thanksgiving he tells me out of the blue "his feelings have changed". He says he loves me but doesn't know if I am the right person now. Then proceeds to say how I have been the best girlfriend and he couldn't ask for more. When talking to him he says how unhappy he is with his life. He says if he isn't happy with himself, he can't make me happy. I understand that, yet he won't seek help, read a book about cold feet vs depression ect. He has pushed me away. I feel he is either depressed or having cold feet. I am trying to support, but it is wearing on me...and now Im depressed. Please help

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Dec 5, 2009 8:06 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Dear Sad,

This is something he has to work out on his own. There are lots of really nice people who have no business getting married. He might be one of them.

OK, what do you do?

You cancel all wedding plans, and make it known to The World that you might be interested in meeting someone's nice brother, neighbor, grandson, etc.

If you believe that you would be happiest going through life married, then it's time to start hanging around with men who feel the same way.

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coleapril87 Posts : 24 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Dec 6, 2009 1:37 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I hate to say it but I kinda think that this is his problem and its best if you give him space to figure out what it is he needs to figure out. I know its not what you want to hear but at least your finding out his true feelings now instead of later. When me and my now fiance were having problems we took some time away from each other. We didn't see or talk to each other, we both went out with friends and went about our lives like we did before we got together. We didn't even make it 2 weeks before we were back together. I suggest you trying the same. Give him what he wants and then you can both decide individually what is best for yourselves. I bet he'll see things differently. I hope it all works out for you. Keep us posted on how you are, and if you need anyone to talk to just let me know, you can find some really great friends on here.

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Dec 6, 2009 12:50 PM Go to message in response to: coleapril87

Thanks for your post! It helps knowing our not alone! I have googled "cold feet" and he fits everything. We talked and he says he loves me, wants it to work and he is going to try premartial/relationship counseling to talk to someone who can help him figure things out. I will continue to give him his space. If this helps then great, if not at least I know he tried. I am trying to look at this as the glass half full...its hard tho!

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Dec 6, 2009 5:36 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I'm sure everything will work itself out. But in the mean time, try to schedule fun activities to bring out your FH's better side. If he likes watching sports, go to a local sports game. If he enjoys music, go to a concert together. Bring him to a happy place. With the way the economy and the unemployment rate are right now, it's a stressful time. But whatever you do, don't worry about planning a wedding. There's no need to rush into a wedding with him feeling depressed.
Goodluck and happy holidays!

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TestingtheWaters Posts : 2 Registered: 3/31/08
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Dec 7, 2009 1:15 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

My fiance and I went through a similiar spat around this time last year (before we were engaged). I decided to give him his space because he was feeling really inadequate in terms of his financial situation, weight, and where or not he could satisfy me. We ended up breaking up and not talking for 3 months. After that he contacted me and had felt he had a better handle on his life and still wanted to get married. We got engaged last month. Just make sure to give him the space that he needs and don't be afraid. I know a few different people who have broken their engagements, and while they were saddened they were relieved to know they didn't go through with the marriage to end divorce. If it is meant to be then it is meant to be. Trust that things will
work out and that even if they don't, at least things didn't end in a
divorce.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Dec 7, 2009 9:29 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Pre-marital counseling is crucial if indeed you plan on going ahead with the wedding. Don't wait to get started, call and make an appt. this week. You may meet with a minister or a professional therapist. Counseling is sort of like throwing up.... you don't want to do it but you feel much better afterwards. LOL!

Go into pre-marital counseling with an open mind. It will give you a chance to really express yourself and he will have the same chance. Your counselor will be know what questions to ask to help the two of you make the right decision.

If it helps, I went through a lot of cold feet stuff before I got married in June. I think a lot of it is normal. But as Aunt said, it may be that he is not ready to be married. You two need to figure things out before you go on. Good luck and God Bless!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Dec 7, 2009 9:11 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

He says he loves me and wants to make it work, then minutes later says "but I don't know if we are right for one another". We have never had any issues to make me question this. So Is that a "normal" feeling with cold feet? I am trying hard to give him his space and I told him I would...he responded, no I want us to talk. I want him to contact me, not me contact him. What makes me sad is I am 36, he is 32, and was looking forward to a family with him. I don't have all the time in the world!

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coleapril87 Posts : 24 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Dec 7, 2009 11:04 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I understand but at the same time, would you want to start a life with a man thats unsure of how he feels, yet alone years later go through a divorce, and possibly involve any children you have. Not to mention you will start to resent him for making you so insecure about your relationship, and he'll resent you because he will feel like he was "pushed" into your marriage. I don't see anything wrong with talking but I think in order for you two to get married you should both be secure in your relationship and have no real doubts. I know we all have a few concerns but there shouldn't be any back and forth.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Dec 7, 2009 11:12 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Dear Sad,

". So Is that a "normal" feeling with cold feet? "

Not if the guy is 32. How much more "mature" do you think he'll get in the next few years, as you approach 40? Sweetie, He's Just Not That Into You.

Now that I know your ages, and that you are not a couple of teenagers with a lot of growing up to do, here's my advice.

Dump him.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Dec 8, 2009 12:33 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

OK I really beleive that cold feet are different for everyone who feels them.

However, I would feel that I need to reconsider anything with someone who insists that this is not OK.

I would definitely put everything on hold. I would see about counseling (this can also depend on how long you've been together). If he refuses, I would break it off - you can NOT be the only giving person in the relationship.

Then it's not a relationship.

And then another part of me is fully with AOTB.

 

 

 

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lovey80 Posts : 10 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Jan 3, 2010 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

I replied to your other thread about this but this seriously sounds like depression. I'd try to be there for him, possibly get a book on depression to read with him, tell him how much you love him and the counseling should help too. It sounds like a lot of low self esteem.

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swichwang34 Posts : 657 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: cold feet?
Posted: Sep 14, 2012 12:34 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

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