Hey ladies,
I have become very interested in women who have become engaged or just married to men in the military, and/or are in the military too. The subject has come up in other threads, and it made me more aware of the stress involved in being in a military relationship. I don't think civilians realize how challenging it can be, and I would like to become more enlightened. If you are a military bride, I would love your feedback. Thank you in advance!

!. What do you think is the most challenging thing about being in a military relationship?
2. Did you have doubts before becoming involved in military life? What were those doubts and how did you work through them?
3. What are the things you personally do to keep your relationship strong?
4. Have there been times when you thought the relationship would not survive? What was the situation and how did you get through it?
5. Have you had friends in the military who had relationship problems? Did the relationship make it or end? Were you able to offer support?
6. What is your main source of support? Do you feel there are adequate support systems set up within the military? Why or why not?
7. What advice would you give a woman thinking about becoming engaged to a man who is in the military?
8. What is one thing you wish people knew about life in the military? What misconceptions do you think the general public has?

Anything else you can think of would be greatly appreciated. If you are more comfortable sending me a private message, that would be fine. I admit my ignorance on this subject and appreciate opinions and discussion. Hopefully, I will become more informed.

I have counseled many veterans in my counseling practice (Vietnam & Gulf War) but have never dealt with issues related to military relationships. It's new territory to me. Francie Elaine

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

1. What do you think is the most challenging thing about being in a military relationship?
You are more than "just a couple". I mean, your life, your job, where you live, how you do things is deternined upon whether or not you get orders to go to another duty location.
2. Did you have doubts before becoming involved in military life? What were those doubts and how did you work through them?
No. I am a civilain Army employee/civil servant. So he deals with my deployments just like I deal with his.
3. What are the things you personally do to keep your relationship strong?
Internet, internet, internet. It is hard because it is never enough. You can be on the same continent or 6,500 miles away and 10 emails is not enough. 20 is not enough, and I am talking about him. He is a soldier and knows I am working for and with soldiers, so the contact I have with him is never enough. It is not a trust issue.
4. Have there been times when you thought the relationship would not survive? What was the situation and how did you get through it?
I am worried about the upcoming. He is being deployed to a place in the US, I am coming home after 6 years Federal service in the Middle East. I am ready to go HOME. Not to a new duty station. I will go to the ends of the earth for and with him, but I want to go HOME. I pray every day that this next three years do not ruin us.
5. Have you had friends in the military who had relationship problems? Yes.
Did the relationship make it or end? Some did and some did not.
Were you able to offer support? No. This is a volatile subject and hearts and minds are closed to advice and or just a thoughtful word. It is the "out of sight out of mind", not knowing not seeing not hearing that makes it worse.

6. What is your main source of support? God and my fiance`. His clingyness has grown on me and now I am dependant on hearing from him every day. Do you feel there are adequate support systems set up within the military? NO! Why or why not? Civilians have it better. We are there FOR the military. We work FOR them, yet we have better living conditions and better communications. After 8 years in Iraq our soldiers STILL have to walk a long ways and stand in long lines to call home or email home. Lots have lap tops and the lucky ones have units that provide wireless. Still it is not as convenient as it is for civilians.
7. What advice would you give a woman thinking about becoming engaged to a man who is in the military? Focus more on the fact that you will have a lifetime of saying "my husband serves his country", as she will too. A military spouse is serving her country by being there for him. Same for the female military. Some are mothers and thousands have proved that it can be done. Deployments dont last forever. military brides and fiances need to remember that. There will be a day they come home and you dont want to regret not waiting 6 months or a year. It is a blip on the road f a lifetime together.
8. What is one thing you wish people knew about life in the military? We feel forgotten. Yellow ribbons and flags in the yard is fantastic, but a hand written letter means the world. A simple card addressed to your loved one is worth its weight in gold. It takes 5 days for a letter to get to the Middle East. It is senseless that our military can go weeks without mail from their families.
What misconceptions do you think the general public has? That the military is here because they "support war", or that we are rebuilding what we destroyed during the war. Also that the effort is entitirely US money. It is not. There are millions of Iraqi Reconstruction relief funds being released for projects.

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone oh Lord; make me to dwell in SAFETY."

Psalms 4:8

I scratched this onto every wall of each living unit I was in while deployed.

1. What do you think is the most challenging thing about being in a military relationship?
The most challenging things about being an unmarried military couple is constantly wondering about things that could happen. Will I get orders to move to another station? Will I get deployed? Will he get moved to another station? The military tries to accomodate married couples but not so much unmarried. I know so many people who decided to get married when they were in Technical School because they felt they had found the love of their life. They had to make a split second decision on whether or not to get married and be together or to not and be separated. Needless to say, many of those individuals who chose marriage ended up in divorce. It's really not their fault, they had to make the choice of possibly losing their soulmate. It's tough.

2. Did you have doubts before becoming involved in military life? What were those doubts and how did you work through them?
When I first joined the military I was a little freaked out because I ended up losing my boyfriend because he just "couldn't do the separation thing". In the end it was the best thing for me. I ended up losing the first person I ever really felt I loved too because he ended up being moved to another base. The only reason we split was because the distance was just too much. We loved eachother so much but it was really difficult being in that situation. I look at it like this: I made the decision knowing full well what I was getting into. I can't complain about it too much.

3. What are the things you personally do to keep your relationship strong?
While deployed we talk constantly. It's an odd day when I don't get at least one e-mail from him. I write to him daily in a notebook so that when I get home he knows how I was feeling each day I was away from him. When I'm home we try to laugh and go out and just have fun and enjoy life. Just hoping bad news won't come our way.

4. Have there been times when you thought the relationship would not survive? What was the situation and how did you get through it?
I definitely thought my relationship would not survive. Before I left for deployment we had been fighting a lot. I figured the deployment would end up breaking us. We got through the rough patch though and realized that we need eachother to get through the days. We are what's most important to each other.

5. Have you had friends in the military who had relationship problems? Did the relationship make it or end? Were you able to offer support?
I've had so many friends with relationship problems. It's hard to keep a bf/gf relationship going just because of the possibilities of leaving that station. I've known many married military members who also have problems. I've known of some women who cheated on their husbands while they are deployed and sometimes while on deployment men will act like they aren't even married. It's awful to see. Sometimes people just end up losing eachother during long deployments. When the person gets back the person who was left just doesn't feel like they know the deployed person anymore or they may have already moved on while that person was gone. These are all things I've seen personally, I'm not suggesting ALL members of the military do this by any means. Some relationships are made much stronger because of the separation military couples must endure.

6. What is your main source of support? Do you feel there are adequate support systems set up within the military? Why or why not?
My main source of support is my boyfriend. He's what gets me through everyday and my son keeps me optimistic. I live in today. I don't worry about what's going to happen tomorrow. And yesterday just doesn't matter. There are many classes for relationships you can take and counseling is offered. I am not sure if any of it really makes a difference. I feel like a good friend would be a better support system than anything the military had to offer. We have a policy at our base that all deployed military members family must be contacted on a regular basis just to see how they are doing and to see if they needed anything, from what I've heard though, it's not very often they call... which is upsetting.

7. What advice would you give a woman thinking about becoming engaged to a man who is in the military?
You have to trust him/her more than anybody else in the world. You have to realize military schedules are hectic and demanding. His/Her schedule may not be the same everyday and they may sometimes get pulled for extra duties. She/He will deploy and you could possibly be moving around a whole lot. It's a tough life but can be filled with many rewards. Being stationed overseas you'll get to see the world! In the end, if you love him, be with him and support him. He needs you just as much as you need him.

8. What is one thing you wish people knew about life in the military? What misconceptions do you think the general public has?
I wish they knew that not everything is perfect in our world. So many people think we are overpaid and that we have life so good. I hope the next time they think about how good we have it that they factor in our losses, separations, pain, missed moments, etc. and that we are enduring all of this for them.

Is anyway out there planning a military wedding?? Just wanted to
compare notes about the Arch Sword Ceremony ...
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My fiance is leaving for boot camp next week. We have been together for 3 1/2 years so I have been with him through all his decisions in the military. One piece of advice I would give military girlfriends is that you are your boyfriend's support system. Don't try to crush his dream, be supportive!

The other night, I got upset because it is getting so close to his ship date. I said "we don't have many more nights like this" and he said "babe, we have a lifetime of these nights left. we just have a break in the middle." I love this statement and it is so encouraging. I am so proud to say that my fiance is in the US Navy and I support him 100%!

I can't wait to start planning our wedding! I'm so anxious and excited but we are not getting married until 2012.

!. What do you think is the most challenging thing about being in a military relationship?
definitely being away from each other and unsure of when i will see him next.

2. Did you have doubts before becoming involved in military life? What were those doubts and how did you work through them?
i wouldn't say they were doubts; i am scared about getting hurt not only by the losing him, but by the pain of him constantly leaving for months.

3. What are the things you personally do to keep your relationship strong?
we always talk as much as we can when we're not together- msn messenger, on the phone, text. and when we can, we spend every minute together. even if it is doing common things like grocery shopping.

4. Have there been times when you thought the relationship would not survive? What was the situation and how did you get through it?
the night i found out he will serve as a pilot in the air force, i was heart broken. before, he was talking about serving as a dietician, but when he got his pilots exam results back, he changed his mind. when i first heard that, i was so scared that i was going to lose him. however, i knew that i'd rather spend as much as our lives together and lose him, than to break up and lose him.

5. Have you had friends in the military who had relationship problems? Did the relationship make it or end? Were you able to offer support?
the only friend i know who is a military wife is a newly wed, but she has had no relationship problems so far.

6. What is your main source of support? Do you feel there are adequate support systems set up within the military? Why or why not?
my fh is my main support. but when he leaves, i rely on my family to help me through the rough times.

7. What advice would you give a woman thinking about becoming engaged to a man who is in the military?'
if you truly love him, then it is worth it.

8. What is one thing you wish people knew about life in the military? What misconceptions do you think the general public has?
i wish that people knew exactly what not only military wives, but those in the military, have to give up when they are deployed to serve our nation. i think many people would be less ungrateful if they realized that people everywhere were separated from their soul mates to fight in this war. if they believe in the cause that much, then it truly is a worthy cause.