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Vow Renewal

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Melynda1 Posts : 68 Registered: 3/24/07
Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 9, 2009 12:32 AM

I'm not sure that there is an actual forum for "vow renewal". My husband and I were married on the beach in Jamaica. We both have been married before, so we thought this was the best way to go. The only guest we had was my husbands sister.....no one else could afford the trip. We had an at-home reception later and I wore my dress, and we played the wedding video for our family.

My question is about a vow renewal. I've had a lot of health problems for the past 3 years....basically I've been disabled for 2 years and my husband has had to take care of me. If and when I ever get better, I would love to have a vow renewal to tell/show my husband how much I love him, and how thankful I am to have him in my life. It will be like starting a new life together and I want to share it with all our friends and family.

Are there others out there that have had or are planning a vow renewal? I would love to hear from you and hear your ideas or about how your renewal went.

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Edited by: Melynda1 on Nov 11, 2009 5:33 PM

vow_renewal , wedding , december_2007 , etiquette
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 9, 2009 10:00 AM Go to message in response to: Melynda1

Dear Melynda,

I am sorry to hear of your health situation, and certainly wish you a speedy recovery.

"But I'm just not sure about the etiquette side of it."

Proper Etiquette has no provision for a vow renewal. Marriage licenses do not expire.

"We will clearly be starting a new and wonderful life together and I want us to celebrate that and to celebrate it with our friends and loved ones. Does anyone have any thoughts?"

Yes, I do. Your wedding is a done deal. Past history. Instead, think of "simply" celebrating your new life, which is what you really want to do, instead of adding in the baggage of a wedding-like event.

I'm sure that many people have been of help to you through your illness. Your husband, certainly, but others have helped, I'm sure, by bringing food, keeping you in their prayers, visiting, etc.

When you regain your health, why not throw a party to celebrate your regaining your health AND as a thank you to all those who have helped you through these difficult days? You could schedule the party to coincide with your wedding anniversary, and call it an anniversary party, too.

"I Am Back"

You are invited to a grand and glorious party to celebrate our new life.
It's been a difficult two years, but thanks to you and many others, we've managed to pull through. Now, it's time to celebrate.

Date, time, place, etc.

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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 9, 2009 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: Melynda1

In this case, I totally agree with Aunt. Although your illness certainly has had an impact on all aspects of your life, including your marriage, your recovery really is a separate issue. It was your choice to have a small, intimate wedding and a later reception. That's done. When the time comes and you're feeling better, have a grand party to celebrate your return to good health. That's the point, not getting married again.

By the way, there is an extensive thread here on the boards on vow renewals. Seek and you will find.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 9, 2009 11:59 AM Go to message in response to: myra

Ditto Aunt & Myra.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 9, 2009 12:23 PM Go to message in response to: Melynda1

Dear Melynda,

A few more thoughts.

A vow renewal is, essentially, a pseudo-wedding. What do people do when they attend weddings? They bring gifts. Lavish* gifts. When invited to a pseudo-wedding, the guest will naturally think about whether or not to bring a lavish* gift.

When someone suffers a long illness, it is common for a community of friends and relations, the very same people you would invite to a pseudo-wedding, to band together to help. They bring meals. They volunteer to take the cat to the vet. They come by with cheering-up flowers. They weed your garden. They tidy up the living room.

What do you think will go through one of these volunteer helper's mind if they get an invitation for a pseudo-wedding, and thus feel obliged to give you a lavish* gift? What do you think will go through the mind of those who might have given you a lavish* gift back when you got married? You now want another one?

"Hmm... I gave her a nice barbeque grill when she first got married. I've gone by every Saturday to tidy up her garden since she's been ill. Now she wants to throw herself another 'wedding', which means I have to shell out $50-$100 for a gift."

Really bad. You should be thinking of how you can do something to thank them, not rake in gifts from people who have already given generously of themselves.

I know you don't mean to do that. I'm sure you are too nice for that. My message is by way of warning. Think it through.



*Lavish = as nice as one can afford within one's budget. This is opposed to the token gift, such an a bottle of Two Buck Chuck.

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TanisJ Posts : 2,673 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 9, 2009 5:43 PM Go to message in response to: Melynda1

Melynda here is a link to "Planning a Vow renewal". The thread has not been active in a few months which is probably why it didn't pop up on your search, but you might get a few ideas and perhaps the thread will become active again.

http://www.brides.com/forums/planning-and-etiquette/thread.jspa?threadID=55876&start=0&tstart=0

august_2008 , vow_renewal , south_carolina , wedding , december_2007 , etiquette
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Melynda1 Posts : 68 Registered: 3/24/07
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 10, 2009 12:01 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thank you Aunt, Myra, Ms Denuninani, and Tanis J. I totally agree about the presents and stuff. That was not what I wanted the renewal to be about at all. The week we got home from our honeymoon, my health took a dive. Our married life has felt like I'm a patient with a live in caretaker. We have been though so much. So much that a lot of couples couldn't go through, but it looks like we will make it. I wanted to be able to show how strong our love has become and I guess I was thinking that was what a renewal was. I wanted something small ceremony wise, just to renew our vows and our love for each other, and then a great celebration party after. When we were first married, we lived in Knoxville, TN. We were married in December 07, had the reception in February 08, and then due to work, we moved to Aiken, SC in March 08. Bruce has made some friends at work, but I haven't been able to work......and no we haven't joined a church. The only people I know here are my doctors and some of the nurses in the offices.....and not on a personal basis.
The party idea sounds great. I was just thinking I wanted to re-commit my love for my husband and thought a vow renewal......both of us showing our guest that we made it through, and that we will continue to make it through. And then have a party with our guests. No fancy dress requirement for guests, no presents, nothing from the quests....just for them to see us....still in love, and being able to overcome such a hard and stressful time. Show our guests that we made it and others can too. Maybe make the renewal more of a party theme....or tell everyone it's a party, and at the beginning we could renew our vows and then party the night away.
My husband had suggested having something about half way that our family in TN could attend and his co-workers in SC could attend too. I want the whole world to realize what a wonderful husband I have. I think I would have given up on me a long time ago....but he didn't, and still hasn't.
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Melynda1 Posts : 68 Registered: 3/24/07
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 11, 2009 4:12 PM Go to message in response to: Melynda1

Anyone out there planning or having a "vow renewal"..?? Please sign on and share your details and experience.....there are a lot of us that would love to hear from you.. For those that don't like the idea of vow renewals, I'm sure there is another forum you can go to.
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 11, 2009 4:28 PM Go to message in response to: Melynda1

Melynda-- I am terribly sorry to hear about your illness, however I am not really sure how that relates to a vow renewal. From what you have said it seems your DH pledges his love to you EVERY day by taking care of you, just like he promised 2 yrs ago--in sickness & in health. THAT is a cause for celebration as well as you being healthy again. However I am not following how it's a cause for another wedding.

I am all throwing parties and helping people throw parties. I think it would be cool to throw a party when you become healthy-- thats major. But I would leave the wedding aspect out of it--it doesn't make sense.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

vow_renewal , wedding , october_2008 , december_2007 , etiquette , central_new_jersey
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Melynda1 Posts : 68 Registered: 3/24/07
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 11, 2009 5:20 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

Wow...and I thought I was a negative person. I haven't been on Brides.com forum since right before my wedding 2 years ago, and boy how things have changed. Whether I get better or not.....whether I have a vow renewal or not.....I am so surprised how quick everyone seems to speak so negative. What happened to being supportive of someone trying to get a new life? It's not about another wedding, it's about starting over.....starting a new life with my husband and wanting to reaffirm my love and thankfulness for having him in my life. If you google "vow renewal" you find there are all different kinds of people that have a vow renewal for many different reasons. Why not get their information and tell them how stupid or ridiculous it is or was for them to have a vow renewal.

I know I put myself out there by telling my story and asking for ideas.....but I did come back and ask those that don't agree to go somewhere else. After all the negative and heartbreak I've already had and still have in my life, I don't need anymore. As a matter of fact, after all that I have been through, a lot I didn't mention, I would think anyone would be positive for and towards me and I should be able to do what ever the _ I want to do if I get better. I've been depressed long enough....I'm trying my best to bring myself out of depression and all these negative words, or words basically calling me stupid to want a vow renewal, are not helping. I'm gonna give it another try.

Once again, if anyone is having or had a vow renewal, please jump in and tell us or just me all about it. It's not like I have a lot I can do, but what I can do is talk to positive and happy people hopefully on this forum.
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CoutureBride27 Posts : 130 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 12, 2009 9:28 AM Go to message in response to: Melynda1

Hi, I feel for you! I read your thread and a lot of people on this site have a set mind on what they perceive posts to be off, I read your post and you didn't say anything about gifts etc. In fact, you made it clear that you want a celebration of your love, of a future and sharing that with your family and friends! I see no problem with this, there's so many people that have vow renewals nowadays, I don't see why these people have to come back with negative responses. Just one of the reasons I rarely come on this site anymore, have found bridesdiary to be a lot more encouraging and they also do not judge as some of the posters on here do, it's a shame as I feel they chase a lot of brides-to-be from this site.

I've never attended a vow renewal so can't give you advice on that aspect, however, I feel it's a wonderful idea if that is what you want, perhaps search on google, I find it to be so helpful and informative!

Good luck and I wish you a speedy recovery!!

: )


Cherish all your happy moments:  they make a fine cushion for old age.

**Christopher Morley**

vow_renewal , january_2010 , wedding , december_2007 , etiquette
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 12, 2009 9:55 AM Go to message in response to: Melynda1

Melynda, I'm also very sorry to hear about your illness, but I'm glad you're starting to feel better.

Now, for the record, when you post on a public forum, you will get all kinds of opinions - good and bad - whether you ask for them or not. I realize that you told people who disagree to post somewhere else, but you can't stop anyone from posting on a thread in a public forum. By posting, you are opening yourself up to criticism as well as positive comments. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh (I mean it as friendly advice), but if you can't handle people disagreeing with you, you shouldn't post. Also, I don't believe that NJ or anyone else was trying to be mean - everyone is simply offering constructive criticism and trying to start a conversation.

Now, taking your comments into mind (that you don't want the vow renewal to be about presents, etc), I would simply plan a party to celebrate your recovery, your marriage, and all those who have helped you in the past two years. If you'd like to renew your vows at the party, go for it - but I would not advertise the party as a vow renewal, or people will feel obligated to bring gifts. In other words, invite them to a party, and then do a surprise vow renewal if you want to.

That's my advice if you feel like you need to renew your vows; however, I personally agree with NJ. While I'm sure that your illness has been a test on your young marriage, I don't see why a vow renewal is necessary just because of it. Your husband has acted admirably in caring for you so well, but that's to be expected, considering the original wedding vows that he made to you. Those vows have not been broken - nor have either of you begun to take them for granted - so I'm not sure why a vow renewal is necessary. By all means, do as you want, but I don't follow your reasons. If a vow renewal is appropriate simply for sticking to one's vows, many of us would be having vow renewals every day. I understand your reasons for wanting to celebrate, but your marriage seems strong and I don't think this is a reason to renew your vows.

As far as ideas for a vow renewal go, I would check out that thread that Tanis mentioned, as it has some good information. I don't have any personal experience with vow renewals to share.

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Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 12, 2009 10:12 AM Go to message in response to: Melynda1

Ummmm Melynda, no where did anyone tell you NOT to "do whatever the _ you wanna do". You asked for opinions on what to do and we gave them to you. I was just being honest when I said it doesn't make an ounce of sense. But I still gave you suggestions. As did everyone else.

Obviously your choice to throw or not throw a party is just that--YOUR choice. It's not going to affect ANY of our lives whatsoever. So there really is no need to get your panties in a wad b/c we didn't say "wow, Melynda, yes we 100% agree with you!!"

And for the record I have been around here for 2+ years too and I think there were some WAAAYYY meaner girls around back in those days.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

vow_renewal , wedding , october_2008 , december_2007 , etiquette , central_new_jersey
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 12, 2009 10:52 AM Go to message in response to: Melynda1

Dear Melinda,

OK, it's the old story. Ask for opinions, get them, then use foul language towards the ones you don't like.

It kind of reminds me of the classic Movie Mogul who is surrounded by Yes Men. Anyone dare to disagree with Mr Big, he's fired.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 854 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Vow Renewal
Posted: Nov 12, 2009 10:54 AM Go to message in response to: Melynda1

Melynda,

People will debate over whether or not a vow renewal is necessary in your situation. But really, when is a vow renewal ever necessary? Nobody ever has to renew their vows--they simply want to. You happen to want to.

I understand some of your distress from some of the past posts--you asked how to have a vow renewal with proper etiquette. You got responses not answering that question but stating that maybe a vow renewal is not necessary for your situation.

I think you should keep in mind what previous posters have listed. You want to throw this vow renewal to thank your husband for his dedication to you threw this hard time. But what about the other people that have helped you? Your friends and family? Are they being thanked with a friendship and family vow renewal? Doubtful. And it is hard to state that no presents be bought for you because there will be the people who will feel obligated to bring you a present no matter what you say.

Perhaps you can compromise somehow and do a small vow renewal with just your family.
And you can also throw a "I am healthy again" party as well which can thank all of the people who have helped you through your hard time.
Or Perhaps you can throw a "I am healthy again" party and maybe even renew your vows at the party--it could be like a surprise vow renewal. That way guests would have already arrived, without a gift and it would be a cute and romantic surprise that they get to witness.

I do suggest going to that link that has been posted. It is quite an extensive thread re: vow renewal.

Best wishes to you and your recovery.

Keep us posted with your plans.

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