How Do I nicely Tell Mom to "Back Off?"

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jellybean91908 Posts : 216 Registered: 2/9/09
How Do I nicely Tell Mom to "Back Off?"
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 7:29 PM

I'm going to preface this by saying that my parents are paying for the majority of the wedding, so PLEASE keep that in mind! :)

My mom and I have to very distinctive styles, and lately we have not been agreeing on things. Everytime I tell her I don't like her suggestion, she defends it instead of listening to WHY I don't like it, then gets snappy with me. I understand and appreciate that she wants to be involved, and I'm glad she is, but I really need her to back off some because FH basically said he doesn't want to be involved with the planning if she's going to be so heavily involved. And, as much as I love Mom, I want FH's input in this day!

Everytime I don't like something she suggests or disagrees with her (in general, not just having to do with the wedding), she gets defensive, offended, and acts like its a personal attack against her. (Unfortunately, like mother like daughter in this instance -- and not feeling personally attacked is something I have to work really hard at!)

I understand that I can't make the decisions without her, but how can I just let her know that I need to her let FH and I make these decisions? Lately I've been trying to just let her know that I want to get FH's opinion, regardless of whether or not "he'll care," before anybody gets the go-ahead to do ANYTHING, whether it's order envelopes or book a caterer. In high school, we did the whole "it's my life -- you can't make all my decisions for me" thing, and it didn't turn out so well, so I can't just say "Mom, it's my wedding, that's NOT what I want" (even though that makes perfect sense!).

Caitlin & Michael ~ 9/19/08-forever <3

wedding website

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How Do I nicely Tell Mom to "Back Off?"
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 8:08 PM Go to message in response to: jellybean91908

Dear Caitlin,

"but how can I just let her know that I need to her let FH and I make these decisions?"

Mom, Michael and I have decided to plan and pay for our own wedding. We appreciate your help, but this is something we need to do ourselves.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: How Do I nicely Tell Mom to "Back Off?"
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 10:49 PM Go to message in response to: jellybean91908

I think this is a pretty common problem for brides... but it doesn't make it any easier. I definitely think you must be clear and firm with your Mom while still being loving and patient. Not an easy thing to do, I know! Would it be possible to give your Mom specific tasks that she could take hold of and do? Try to think about what her talents are and what you would be comfortable allowing her to do... and let her do it. You don't have to hand your wedding over to your Mother but always remember how fortunate you are to have a Mother who is willing and able to be there for you.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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Ashleyandbrent Posts : 4 Registered: 11/1/09
Re: How Do I nicely Tell Mom to "Back Off?"
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 10:54 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine
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BriansAzBride Posts : 326 Registered: 12/5/08
Re: How Do I nicely Tell Mom to "Back Off?"
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 1:16 PM Go to message in response to: Ashleyandbrent

You really can't. If they are paying, they get A LOT of say. My parents are putting up over half the cost of the wedding so I deal with my mother a lot. When I say we don't get along, just imaging WWIII in your living room, don't get along.

I have developed a system. I limit the time alone I spend with her, 2 hours max or else things get heated. Anything wedding concerned gets heard and then told, "Sorry Mom but I can't make any decisions without FH. It's his wedding too and I want him to be involved in everything I do." Also, I think it was ArtBride who said this, give her little projects. I periodically give her little jobs that I care very little about. Example: I recently bought some bubbles for when FH and I leave. They need some blue ribbon for the top to make them look cuter. Mom is ALL over that. She loves it. I could care less about the ribbon on the bubbles.

So just give her little jobs here and there and don't bow down to everything she says.

 

 

 

 I feel like a kid. Pinch me. This kind of love certainly can't be real. Oh wait, it is :)

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jellybean91908 Posts : 216 Registered: 2/9/09
Re: How Do I nicely Tell Mom to "Back Off?"
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 9:12 PM Go to message in response to: BriansAzBride

Thanks, everyone.

Like I said, I am very thankful that my parents are able to pay for me to have a wedding. I know that I am more fortunate than most in this area, and appreciate that my parents want to help.

The problem started only recently, when I felt like my mother started making decisions without consulting us. For the most part it has worked out fine (we like most of these ideas), but I am just worried she's going to get her heart set on something that doesn't really matter (like personalized ribbons...which came up the other day).

Thanks for all of your responses! I'll definitely think about what her talents are and giving her control there. My parents want to make wine for our favors, so Dad went out and bought a wine making kit a few weeks ago. I'm hoping that that will keep them busy! :) I also think she's going through a bit of withdrawal. For the past two or three years, we spent a LOT of time together, and now that I have moved out we don't talk nearly enough. I think the wedding is the one thing she's most eager to talk about. And I'll admit, I've just been in a bad mood lately, and I tend to overreact to things (just like mom).

Caitlin & Michael ~ 9/19/08-forever <3

wedding website

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