Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years

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MsStressedoutCat Posts : 9 Registered: 1/23/09
Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 3:53 PM

Hi everyone. I'm not sure what the Etiquette is/was in this situation, and I'm not really sure if this is the right place to post this but I could really use your opinions about how i handled this and what to do next.

Back when my FH was just my boyfriend i was living in NY and he was in TN.. So about 8 months ago I moved down there to be with him and ever since my best friend has been a little distant. When my FH proposed in september I called up my best friend and asked her to be my MOH. She said yes and I asked her for help right away to find bridesmaid dresses since I wasnt able to be in NY all the time where all my maids were.

So after my ex moh went to Davids she sent me a text saying that she thought the dresses were ugly and embarrassing and if i wanted an ugly wedding i'd get my dresses from there and then she went on to talk about this little scar she has on her collar bone and how she will only wear a high neckline dress and nothing low and she started to rant in the text about how she doesnt do anything she isnt comfortable with. I didn't know what to say so I told her that I would be in town the next weekend, we'll go to davids and "we will work it out."

We went on a friday night to look and i had three rules
1) must be brown 2) must be to the floor 3) must come from davids bridal since many bridesmaids were out of town.
She could pick whatever she wanted as long as she followed those three rules
I had 3 hours to find my dress and bridesmaid dresses because i had to find a florist and other things that same weekend and i had a ton of appointments.

She hated everything she said she would not wear a dress from there
My mother was there, and my MOH was being a total brat she didn't want to try anything else on
she found something wrong with every dress. We go through every single high neckline dress in the store so i told her that her options were to buy a low neckline dress and
1) wear make up to cover the scar
2)throw on a scarf to hide it
3) I would alter the dress of her choice to have it cover the scar
or 4) not be silly and deal with a minor scar showing for a little while

She tries on a low neckline dress that can easily pinned to hide her scar and yet again finds something wrong with it.. but it's total crap because she isn't wearing the proper underthings to fix the problem she is pointing out... otherwise she likes the dress. So i say "you'll just need to buy the right stockings and it'll be fine"....she flips out... and she says she's not paying for stockings she works two jobs and she doesnt have time to do more shopping meanwhile i dont have time to fly back for a dress i was really nice and let it slide, asked her to try on another dress
But she had it. she said i was making her try on ugly dresses that she hated and she wanted to go home Itold her i needed to find the dress right then and I couldnt just walk away
my mother got up and went to pay for my wedding dress i had found earlier (her gift to me is my dress) and my MOH looked so disgusted that my mother was paying for my dress- she comes from a family that never pays for anything for her...
so my MOH wants to be done and i'm like, okay, we'll try again another day (i really dont have time for this but whatever)
She stomps away and doesnt even say good bye to me or my mom. Later i text her and call her after she leaves to see how she is, and i tell her to call me back, and i tell her we'll work something out and it'll be okay she ignores me all day saturday i'm only in town for 1 more day and it is packed with photographers and djs and limos and all one after the other
so i have to find out if she can go out one more time and cancel something else. At like 11pm saturday i call her one last time and she doesnt answer
so i text her to call me and she texts back so i'm like what is up?
i tell her things didnt go well and i wanted to know what she was thinking
she is pissed and tells me that i lied about letting her pick the dress
and then she tells me that "I dont even think you know who i am anymore"
and she scolds me for making her wear a dress she isnt comfy with
and she says that people are paying to be there (bridesmaids are paying for their own dresses here) and the least i could do is pick a dress that isnt cheap or ugly
DB has great dresses!
i dont know what she is talking about
i explain the dress must come from there for 8th time
she says i am spoiled and selfish
then she throws in my face that my parents helped me pay for school, and are paying for the wedding (this is not true by the way, i am paying them back the college $ and i am paying for my own wedding except the dress) I suggest that perhaps she would feel better just being a guest instead of having to deal with the pressure and financial burden of the party...i know it is expensive and being maid of honor is tough on the wallet trust me
i said she could come and relax and have a good time without the stress
and she could wear whatever she wanted (at this point i wanted her out because of the stress she was causing and how selfish she was acting not to mention the mean stuff about me being spoiled). I guess you could say i was really pissed off and this was the nice way of throwing her out of the party
so my MOH got mad, and said "have a nice life luisa"

and my last words to her were "i think there are other things going on in your life right now and you are taking out on me. I'm sorry you feel that way.." (her dad is sick, her mom doesnt work, she is poor and work two cruddy jobs ... she's in a tough place i know.

and that was that
over 12 years of friendship down the drain

I forgot to mention that she pulled out a picture of a dress she found in Nordstrom that she liked and wanted to wear.

Here is the problem-the dress is $400 and my FH and I really want to have all the groomesmen and bridesmaids wear the same thing or at the very least the same color. Plus i am not making my other 4 bridesmaids buy a $400 dress...

The dress she wanted to buy is also extreamly glitzy and fancy and my mother (who was also there) and said straight out! It was so nice and fancy it overpowered my wedding dress!

My ex moh hasnt called or emailed .... did i handle this right? should i have done something differently. it just seems so dumb to fight over a dress!!

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mrsJLA Posts : 445 Registered: 5/25/08
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 4:16 PM Go to message in response to: MsStressedoutCat

I think your ex-MOH/friend has some major issues going on in her life and is taking it out on you. I also can't understand why she wants a $400 dress from Nordstroms when she is working 2 jobs to just get along (or so is implied). Maybe she is really down on herself and has turned to obsessing about money b/c maybe she thinks it will make her happy??? Not to mention she is uber jealous. I highly doubt you did anything wrong, as you tried to be very accomodating. And DB has a ton of dresses to choose from, so you were super accomodating. Is she depressed? She is acting like it....

In the end, people change and friendships change. Its life. Its sad that she is doing this to you, but sometimes, no matter what you say or do, you can't fix things with the flip of a switch.

Jaime

Wedding Pictures & Furbabies:

http:\\web.me.com\me182a

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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 4:19 PM Go to message in response to: MsStressedoutCat

All I can say is wow. But I know exactly how you feel. I lost a lot of my close friends during the wedding process so I can totally feel the pain your're feeling.

Now in this case, I see both sides of the story.

I think your MOH..or ex-MOH should I say is likely jealous of you. She cannot handle you getting married while she's not and she can't handle the fact that you have money and she doesn't...and that you can afford things and she can't.

I have been in couple weddings and a friendship with my ex best friend of 14 years was ruined. She wanted to get the BM dresses from David's bridal and the dress she picked out just looked flat out awful on me. It was meant for a skinny bridesmaid and I am defintely not a skinny one. I let her know that I was not comfortable wearing that kind of dress and suggested couple other ones. I even offered to withdraw from the wedding so that way she could have her wedding with the dresses she wanted. She flat out got pissed at me and decided to never speak to me again. It's been over a year since I spoke with her last. Now when I got married, another friend of mine who was my MOH hated the BM dresses I picked out. It was DB's mix and match top and bottoms. I picked the bottom and she had an option of picking one out of 3 tops. She spent the next 5 months bitching and telling everyone how ugly the BM dresses were. Needless to say I was upset and due to that and among other things...she never showed up to my wedding.

If you and your friend were already distant before this...this was going to happen sooner or later. People grow and change and sometimes those friendships have to be let go of.

Try to move forward and enjoy the rest of your wedding planning.


Just Married...9.20.08

Formerly BenjaminsBride 

 

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camarogirl6784 Posts : 8 Registered: 1/12/09
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 4:32 PM Go to message in response to: MsStressedoutCat

She sounds like a nut, you tried to do the right thing and she freaked out on you.

Its always tough to lose a good friend, but ultimately you're better off.

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Miyuhime Posts : 40 Registered: 10/12/08
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 5:23 PM Go to message in response to: camarogirl6784

Sounds like someone never grew up...while she may be going though a tough time, she is focusing on what she doesn't have rather than what she does.

Like the PP said, I don't get why she wanted a $400 dress when she was tight on money...the dresses @ DBs are not unreasonable....

Maybe she's just miserable because the wedding reminds her that you "left" her, when she probably felt she needed you.

Or maybe she's just a miserable person?

I picked out my MOH dress like this ... "Hey do you like this (link)?"

If she had said no, I would have kept looking.

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 5:59 PM Go to message in response to: MsStressedoutCat

Holy freaking drama! First, I have to say that I am sorry. During my wedding planning, I have also lost a great friend of mine as well. She was like family to me. I believe in my heart that envy turned to hate for me. I didn't ever think I would get married. Now, here I am 71 days away from my wedding. She has ALWAYS wanted to be married (almost obsessed) and just keeps picking bad apples out of the barrel. When I asked her to be in the wedding, she accepted. Then she started to be "busy" a lot. Now, we don't even speak. She said I was selfish, among other words I won't use.

I know what a blow to your chest it is when a friend pulls a 180 on you over something stupid. Just move on. I can't understand how someone can complain about money then want to buy a $400 BM dress. I did the same thing that you did with my BMs. I told them they could have any dress from Davids as long as it was pool, aruba, or mermaid. They all found one in mermaid they liked. Done deal.

I hope the rest of your wedding planning goes smoothly from here on out now.

          ever thine          ever mine          ever ours

Check out our site http://www.mywedding.com/robertandginger

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goldelox20 Posts : 152 Registered: 8/6/07
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 8:34 PM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Trust me, you'll feel relieved about this very soon. (I did the same thing a few weeks ago)

It's hard to tell someone you don''t want them in your bridal party but MOH/BM should not be a cause of stress. You absolutly did the right thing.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 9:11 PM Go to message in response to: goldelox20

I lost a couple of friends too during the planning process. Hubby and I had only known this couple for a year but they were our closest friends in the new state that we live in. It's a really terrible feeling, I know. At least you have a lot to occupy your mind right now.... I say give your friend some time and then call her again in a couple of months. Much luck.


IMG_7120.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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MsStressedoutCat Posts : 9 Registered: 1/23/09
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Oct 22, 2009 4:49 PM Go to message in response to: MsStressedoutCat

Hi everyone! I just wanted to let you all know what happened after I posted.

After I fired my MOH I asked another friend to take her place. My former MOH has not spoken to me since she was fired, but that is okay, I think looking back she was a real drama queen and she had made me very unhappy.

My former MOH was not invited to the wedding since she stopped speaking to me. She has yet to try to contact me but I'm okay with that. I had an amazing replacement MOH who is a beautiful person and a true friend that I love dearly. My new MOH took care of me and cared about the bridesmaids and loved the entire process of picking out her dress and helping the other bridesmaids pick theirs.

I am SO GLAD I made the decision I did. I realize that weddings make peoples true colors show and my former MOH was not a good friend.

Thank you all for your wonderful opinions and advice. I really appreciate it!

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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Oct 22, 2009 5:26 PM Go to message in response to: MsStressedoutCat

I'm glad everything worked out for you... yay!

Married 9.20.08

 

 

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dodgercpkl Posts : 130 Registered: 9/27/09
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Oct 22, 2009 6:01 PM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

I too think I'm losing a friend that I've considered a best friend now for 12 years because of my wedding. I'm sad to see the friendship go, but on the otherhand I have the example of my other best friend to make me really see that what I'm letting go is just a sad shadow of what the friendship was and how it should be.

I had 2 best friends, both of whom were shocked when I made the decision to move to the Netherlands at first about 6 months ago. One lives fairly close (I'll call her Betty, lives in vegas, I'm near Disneyland in So Cal) and even though she knew about this decision in May, she waited until mid June, when my boyfriend was there, to bug me about changing our traveling plans to come see her. I told her I couldn't, that the plans were already set, and she got upset about that. After that I didn't hear from her until after I'd moved back to the US, despite me sending emails, msn messages, facebook messages. My boyfriend asked me to marry him on Sep 9th before I flew back home, so of course she was one of the 1st people I called to let her know about my engagement. I'd always figured she would be in my wedding as a bridesmaid. The big thing was the vast difference in how my 2 best friends handled my announcement.

My MOH (I'll call her Cathy) was absolutely thrilled! She wanted to know all about the details of how he asked, when the wedding was, and 1st thing out of her mouth was, "I'll be there no matter what and I can't wait!"

Betty on the otherhand never responded to my voicemail. Several days after I got back to the US, I was able to catch her on MSN, but even then she made me feel that talking to me was a huge favor and one she wasn't all that happy with. The only thing she asked me was the size of the ring. When I told her that I didn't have a ring yet (my FI made a last minute decision to ask me and didn't have time to get a ring before I left), she was very patronizing about the situation. It was all about the bling to her, which is not how I've ever looked at life. She never asked me about the wedding or plans.. she never indicated that she'd like to attend (as guest or otherwise).

In the month since, I've talked to her once. She did actually contact me, but the conversation was so stilted, and she still never even indicated that she was happy for me or wanted to be there on my big day.

Big difference huh? Like a pp said, I had basically resigned myself to not getting married (though I wanted to) and Betty wants marriage, but she always chooses the wrong guys, including her ex-husband. Now here I am, getting married in the next year, and I think she's jealous that I found a man that makes me so happy.

I wish it could be different. I wish she could be happy. But I can't force her to change and I can't fix things for her. I wish her the best in life, but I pretty much think this is the end of our close friendship. If we stay acquaintainces... well.. that remains to be seen.

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JadeDeCaro Posts : 11 Registered: 7/8/09
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 12:38 AM Go to message in response to: MsStressedoutCat

well... why does the dress have to come from david's bridal?
and if she can afford the dress, let her buy it. dont pay it for her(ur already paying for the wedding!). and yes i know she's in a tough place right now but if she wants the dress she should buy it herself.
if she cant afford it then she shouldnt be getting it.
(if she did end up getting it make sure to decorate ur dress so it doesnt overpower ur dress.)
(but get another dress for the other bridesmaid.)

see, my point of view is throwing away 13 years of friendship over a bridesmaid dress is ridicious.she can design one herself and send it to a seamstress to sew it up, and it wont be over $300.

and, why does she needs a high collar dress? the scar is what makes her more unique. and she can always donn a super cute scarf and cover it up and be gorgeous.

also i think she might be jealous of u... cuz ur mom is paying for ur dress...
but still, throwing away 13 years of friendship is kinda silly. try let her pick her own dress and she can pay for whatever she picked.but tell her it needs to be brown and floor-length.(i hate brown but i look good with the right shade.lol) if she complains about she have to pay for the dress then tell her it's not fair for u to buy her an expensive dress that she likes and that she can always settle with a simple cheap dress you picked. and then u would buy the dress for her,(which would be in david's bridal.)



---------------------
oh thats good!
best wishes!

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Fired My MOH and best friend of 13 years
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 12:56 AM Go to message in response to: JadeDeCaro

Um, read the posts. It's over and done with. She is no longer the MOH.

 

 

 

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