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need some help with this one please.

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LoverForever Posts : 20 Registered: 8/24/08
need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 7:51 AM

my FH and i have been together for over 5 years, and engaged for a little over a year. lately he has been leaving up different site he goes to on our computer.... i love him and feel like i trust him, but i'm not sure why i feel so sad and upset about this. he just joined fling.com and made a profile and i feel like that site as well as some of the other sites are more for single men looking for women than they are used for porn........ also sites like adultfriendfinder.com and hotsearches.aol are a concern to me.

i'm sure he hasnt cheated or anything-- but this makes me feel so uncomfortable in our relationship... is it normal for a guy to do these things? i know they have different needs than us girls, and i can't help feeling i'm not doing my part to keep my man happy. :-(

i brought it up to him once several weeks ago, and he told me that some of those sites pop up when he is on other porn sites, but he didnt deny that he was looking for someone else or cheating. he just said, "you know you mean the world to me and i would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship." he also apologized for making me so upset.

since he didnt flat out say "there is no way i'm seeing anyone" i guess it's good because he doesnt seem to be over protective or like he is hiding anything?? and besides that i didnt flat out accuse him of anything or cause a big fight about it.

dont know what my problem is and why i'm so insecure. also im not sure where to go from here..... i feel like i should bring it up to him again but what can help resolve this? would it maybe be best to ask him if he could delete his web browsing history so i dont stumble onto anything i might make a bad judgement on? PLEASE HELP.

thanks.
Live, Love and Laugh

southern_shore_new_jersey , may_2010
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Bally Posts : 355 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 8:35 AM Go to message in response to: LoverForever

For me personally, I would view that as cheating or close to it because he is putting himself in a situation where he might be tempted. Cheating isn't just physical. Would he be pissed off at you if you joined www.hotsinglemen.com? I bet he would...

I know men have different needs from women but it doesn't mean he should indulge in those 'needs' (they are wants actually) when they make you feel insecure/inadequate etc.


You should ask him why he thinks he needs to sign up to these websites (fling.com for example). If you're not comfortable with him doing it, tell him that and he should respect you enough to not do it. I don't see why he needs to anyways, surely if he proposed and wants a life with you, he doesn't need flings? Actually as soon as someone enters into a relationship they are off the market for all those things, online or in real life. Which is why I get pissed off when soon to be married men (some) say they need 'one last fling') umm no, the time for 'flings' is when you're single.


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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 8:56 AM Go to message in response to: LoverForever

Why are you apologizing to him and even to us? Sweetie! You are going to turn into a doormat instead of a beautiful bride if you aren't careful. Poof! Doormat! You have every right to not want your FH to be looking at porn or talking to women on the net. And this has nothing with you not doing enough to "make your man happy". This isn't about you. It's about him and his decison to look at porn and talk to other women on the net. You have every right to say, "I am not comfortable with this.. it is not okay." I would take my DH OUT if I found out he was on those type of sites! I would like to see you get a little angry instead of being so apologetic about something you should be pissed about!

For now though.... here is a big hug. ((((((hug)))))))

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

southern_shore_new_jersey , may_2010 , north_carolina
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LoverForever Posts : 20 Registered: 8/24/08
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 11:54 AM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

well he isn;t cheating on me-- it's more than likely he is getting off on the pictures that are up on the sites-- but with that being said, i know all guys use porn to get off and i dont have a prob with that.... my prob is that he is looking at videos and profiles of girls that our close to home. like anywhere from 15 mins to an hour away from where we live.

now, i wouldnt mind if the girls were out of state or famous porn stars or something, but i cant help feeling really bent out of shape when they are all local people....
i mean-- there are so many porn sites out there! why does he have to go on the adult sex and adult dating sites????

i dont wanna blow up in his face about it, but i think the last time i brought it up i was maybe too casual about it. i dont want to accuse him of anything. but knowing he is looking at these girls really makes me upset. :-(
Live, Love and Laugh

southern_shore_new_jersey , may_2010 , north_carolina
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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 1:23 PM Go to message in response to: LoverForever

There's no need to blow up on him. (that only causes arguements that go nowhere anyways) But he does need to know how much this upsets you. I also let my FH look at porn, but his computer is too expensive to risk a virus so he opts for Maxim, Playboy and SI swimsuit edition. Maybe that could be an option for your FH? Those sites are always going to pop up and be a temptation for him to look at if he keeps looking at Internet porn so the magazines are a safer option you might be more comfortable with. But be firm! DO NOT let yourself become a doormat. You need to get this point across to him that you are not happy with him looking at these women, that he has plenty of other options, and that it needs to stop.
CoolStick your head out the window and smile for a satellite picture!Tongue out

april_2010 , southern_shore_new_jersey , may_2010 , north_carolina , illinois_chicago
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LoverForever Posts : 20 Registered: 8/24/08
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 1:45 PM Go to message in response to: MissApril

Thanks everyone.

i just talked to him-- we had lunch together on his break from work. i expressed to him how upset this has been making me and i PUSHED him to answer WHY he goes on these sites. As it turns out, he is kinda addicted to seeing porn/ having fantasies about other women. AKA "there's just something about knowing it could be the girl next door" and i was like WOAH u mean to sleep with? i finally got him to admit that yeah that's it but NOT that he would actually do it, he just really gets off to it.

so i said well how do u think that makes me feel? i told him that i hate feeling like this and i dont know how to control feeling depressed when he's checkin out the local girls to have fantasies with online. i know he isnt chatting with them- but still!!! i told him it makes me feel inadequate, like i am not enough to keep him happy so he has to look elsewhere....

he said he knows he has to stop. personally, i think it's a bad addiction more than anything else.
my solution: i said that he needs to seriously cut back on porn and we need to come up with new imaginative ways TOGETHER so that he can be satisfied without looking up every single women in a 20 mile radius LOL. it will be fun for us to share more intimacy and get creative. plus i wont be depressed! haha

He also really needs to find a hobby while i am at work and not be looking for porn all the time!
we will see how it goes- but one thing's for sure; i will NOT be a doormat! :-P
Live, Love and Laugh

april_2010 , southern_shore_new_jersey , may_2010 , north_carolina , illinois_chicago
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 8:44 PM Go to message in response to: LoverForever

Well.. actually not all men look at porn. Many men do not feel the need to do it. I personally would not be a happy camper if my DH looked at porn, unless it was something we did together as a couple. But if you don't have an issue with it, then that is fine. We all look at these things differently. But remember that anything that he is getting (physically, emotionally, sexually) from someone or somewhere other than you is considered cheating. The internet has broken up a lot of marriages. I have counseled many couples over this issue and usually the only way to save the marriage is to throw the computer out. I think you need to take an honest look at how this is affecting you. You can accept it. Or you can not accept it. I am really sorry you are going through this. Francie Elaine

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

southern_shore_new_jersey , may_2010 , north_carolina
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 8:50 PM Go to message in response to: LoverForever

Dear LF,

I'm becoming a broken record on this. On nearly every message I say the same thing. Here goes:

It's not the sex. It's not the porn. It's the difference of opinion between you and him on something you both find important.

Take sex/porn out of the equation.

He: "I must have Christmas with an angel on the top of the tree."
She: "I must have Christmas with a star on the top of the tree."

He: "My family never makes a big deal over birthdays. We think a big hoo-haw is dumb."
She: "My family always fusses over the birthday person. We love doing that."

He: "I must have a dog."
She: "I don't want a dog."

In each case, one has strong feelings one way and the other has strong feelings the other way. It doesn't matter if the subject is online porn, Christmas tree toppers, birthdays or dogs. The DIFFERENCE in opinion is what is the issue. There's no right nor wrong here.

You have the right to be secure in your relationship if you intend to marry this guy. If his looking at porn makes you insecure, then that must be addressed and resolved before you marry him. On the other hand, he has a right to surf the web and find and read interesting stuff. If he gets a lot of grief from his girlfriend from doing that, then that issue must be resolved before he marries you.

My suggestion to you is to decide, for yourself, what level of internet surfing is a deal-breaker for you. What makes you insecure and unhappy? Then, lay it out for him. "This is a deal-breaker." Can he live with that? If so, then great. If not, then both of you need to reconsider the engagement and perhaps get out on the Singles Market and find people with whom you are more compatible.

PS: I actually agree with you. I wouldn't like it, either, but then I'm not looking to marry your guy. You are. You are the one who has to decide what you can and cannot live with.

Another PS: There are probably women out there who would not have a single problem with their guy looking at online porn. Great for them. That's not you. Not me, either.

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 8:59 PM Go to message in response to: LoverForever

I'll give you my best advice on this subject based upon my own experience:

If you push some people and make a huge fuss about something that you don't want them to do, the more they are going to want to do it. I'm not saying everyone, but I know if you tell me not to eat chocolate, I'm going to promptly go buy a bigass Hershey bar and smack my lips while eating it in your face. I hate to be told what to do.

If your FH is like me, you're going to push him to watch it even more, because it's just going to make him more stubborn about it. If he hasn't cheated on you, let it be. Human beings are sexual creatures, and the more you make something taboo, the more likely it is that some people will want to explore that particular thing. It's not worth throwing an otherwise good relationship away because FH likes to look at naked chicks.

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may_2011 , southern_shore_new_jersey , ohio , may_2010
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 10:29 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

dear Chels,

"If you push some people and make a huge fuss about something that you don't want them to do, the more they are going to want to do it. I'm not saying everyone, but I know if you tell me not to eat chocolate, I'm going to promptly go buy a bigass Hershey bar and smack my lips while eating it in your face. I hate to be told what to do. "

Yes... but...

People are responsible for their own actions. Saying "You made me do this" is immature and irresponsible. Domestic violence springs from this line of thought: "You made me hit you. Stop doing what I told you not to do and you won't get hit. Getting hit is your own fault."

If I tell you not to eat chocolate, and you eat the Hershey bar, you are still responsible for eating the Hershey bar, not me.

It's important to lay out your deal-breakers. It's not good to have dozens and dozens of deal-breakers, but everyone has a few things that are ultra-important to them. If the person you intend to marry does not agree with your deal-breakers, then it's time to reassess that committment. The period of an engagement is an excellent time for discernment. That's when you see if the other person happily agrees and lives with your deal-breakers (and you with his) or if he sneaks around and/or lies about it.

As I've said. It doesn't matter what the deal-breaker is. It could be anything. (My own is cigarette smoking. My husband's deal-breaker is an income-earning wife.) Pick your battles, decide what is and what is not important to you, then marry someone who sees things the same way.

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Bally Posts : 355 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 25, 2009 6:12 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

AOTB, your husband's dealbreaker is an income earner wife? As in he doesn't want his wife to work for an income?




february_2010
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 25, 2009 10:19 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I agree that we all should have a list of "deal breakers" when we enter the dating world. When I got divorced and started dating again, I wrote out 10 characteristics I was looking for in a man. I also wrote out what my deal breakers would be. Addiction, adultry, and abuse. Those are always my deal breakers. I told that to my fiance up front. And he knows I would be out the door in a heartbeat if any of these things happened in our marriage.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

north_carolina
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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 25, 2009 11:52 AM Go to message in response to: LoverForever

I just want you to know that I dont' think you're overreacting about this subject...it's one thing to look at porn and it's another to make a profile on a website that promotes meeting people. Fing.com is DEFINATELY a site that is geered towards casual sex.

I would rethink about marrying this guy. It is unacceptable to visit and especially sign up for a website like that if you are in a committed relationship.

mexican_caribbean , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2009 , may_2010
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LoverForever Posts : 20 Registered: 8/24/08
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 25, 2009 1:07 PM Go to message in response to: His4life

i dont think it will be an issue anymore. he didnt realize the effect it would have on me and our relationship and he will not be using/visiting those sites any more. :-)

i have been with this guy for over 5 and a half years and i trust him with all my heart. he has never lied to me, nor given me cause to believe he would ever be unfaithful.

personally i just believe he was bored and looking at porn sites. he wasn't looking for another partner or someone to have "casual sex" with (tho i don't believe in such things as "casual" sex- ha)

he bought me flowers yesterday and got me a card to express how much he loves me and again that he was sorry. he wants me to be happy and he does not enjoy doing things he knows will make me upset. :-)
Live, Love and Laugh

mexican_caribbean , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2009 , may_2010
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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 25, 2009 3:05 PM Go to message in response to: LoverForever

It's good that you two talked about it and that he realizes how you feel about that situation. I don't know if I would be as forgiving if I found secret profiles on websites like that. Good luck and hopefully this issue will be in your past now :)

mexican_caribbean , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2009 , may_2010
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