Bachelorette Woes

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AutumnBride1009 Posts : 2 Registered: 9/5/09
Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 5, 2009 3:17 AM

Hello everyone. I know I am new, but I'm quite familar with the Brides.com Community.

I wasn't sure exactly where my topic would fit in, so I put it in this section, I hope thats okay.

Basically the situation is that I am getting married to a wonderful man in just a few short weeks. We are almost to the 1 month countdown mark! As all of you know, this is the exciting, but still yet very stressful time. However one great tradition that aids in the relief of that stress is the bachelor/bachelorette party. The problem is, my MOH/BMs don't seem to be planning anything at all. Now I know it is probably wrong of me to expect them to do something, but what bride doesn't expect atleast a little something? At least a meal out together or something?

A little back up story just to clear up some questions that I expect to get from this. The only things my bridesmaids have been responsible for is their dresses/shoes. I'm not asking them to get hair/nails/make up done or anything like that. My family paid for all of my shower, so they had no financial obligation with that. They did help decorate/clean up though, which I greatly appreciated. They all live locally, so there are no large travel/hotel expenses.

I also doubt they are planning any "suprise bachelorette events" because they all know that I work odd hours that are never the same from week to week and my schedule has to be made months in advance. A couple of the bridesmaids work the same type of job that I do, so they also work odd hours. The remaining maids are finishing up their last bit of school. Not to mention I'm loaded down with last minute wedding stuff. My life is currently lists and calendars. It would take some planning and input from everyone involved to find an evening that worked for all of us. Plus, none of them know my upcoming schedule.

I've mentioned a bachelorette party a few times since we've been engaged and I'm really suprised they aren't planning something. My MOH is always calling me to talk about the wedding and asking how plans are coming along, so I'm shocked that she isn't planning something. So how should I handle it? I don't want to be nagging about it or anything and I feel like asking them about it is a little rude. I really would like to have one though since we don't all get to get together as much as we used to and when we do, I'm normally the one planning it. It'd be nice to not have to do the planning and to have a night to have fun with them and take a break from the wedding.

Any response/feedback is welcomed :)

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 5, 2009 11:21 AM Go to message in response to: AutumnBride1009

Dear AB,

" So how should I handle it? "

Let it go.

You say on the one hand that a bachelorette party greatly relieves the stress of the wedding planning, yet here you are stressing about whether or not they will give you a bachelorette party. I'd say it's a push.

You cannot in any way ask that someone give you a party. The only thing you can do is just continue your planning and have a beautiful wedding.

Lots and lots of people (eg me) get married without any kind of bachelor or bachelorette party. Seriously, just let it go. You've got a lot on your plate. Worry about the thing you CAN control, not the things you cannot control.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 5, 2009 11:53 AM Go to message in response to: AutumnBride1009

Well... this is a bit awkward but not impossible. I would ask you this, how close are you to your MOH? If you have one of those relationships where you can talk about anything, then you could just say, "I really want to get together with all my girls before the wedding. What do you think we can do?" In my case, my sister was MOH and I just asked her. But if you aren't comfortable doing that, then I agree you should just let it go. And if they don't give you a party, give YOURSELF a day at the spa. Massage, mani, pedi, etc. ! And a pair of new shoes! Gentle hugs. Francie Elaine

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 5, 2009 12:35 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

I agree with Francie's approach IF that is the type of relationship you and your MOH have. I've been a BM for a couple of good friends, and the conversation sort of started like that and I was not offended in the least. However, I also went into the role of BM knowing I would plan on planning or helping plan a bachelorette, and it sounds like all of your BMs have a lot on their own plates right now. If your MOH even HINTS at the fact that people don't have time or money, I would then follow Aunt's advice and let it go.

Your option after that is to plan a spa day for yourself per Francie's suggestion, and maybe you can even tell your BMs "Hey, I'm doing thus and such. If you'd like to join me, this is when my appointment is." And you wouldn't pay or anything, they would each pay for themselves if they came.

Or you could host them at your house for a pizza party/margarita/movie night/slumber party, or plan a night at a restaurant with the plan that you would host them. If you take this option, you would need to plan to pay.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 5, 2009 12:49 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Excellent advice.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 5, 2009 4:14 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

If you really want to get together with the girls, do it.
I understand that you may feel like you should have to plan this kind of get together, but if you want it you may have to.

I agree with pp in taht if you have that kind of relationship with your bms then have a chat and see if they are doing anything, or want to.

As long as you aren't implying that they should pay for you in anyway you can always throw your own party. Or ask if they all want to go out for dinner together, just have a chill night before your day. . . etc.

Good luck and have fun :D

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AutumnBride1009 Posts : 2 Registered: 9/5/09
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 5, 2009 4:18 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Thank you for the responses everyone.

AOTB, You are right, I need to focus on the things I can control.

Francie, I do have a close relationship with my MOH, but I'm still not sure that I'm comfortable asking her. I think I might try to find a spa, I've never been to one.

Happy, a margrita/movie/slumber party sounds great to me. That would be a very fun yet inexpensive idea thanks to the invention of RedBox! However, I don't want to be the one to plan anything. We've all been friends since high school and I've always planned everything that we do. Every dinner out, movie night, friends birthdays, even my own birthday, etc. I'm sick of having to plan everything, which is probably why we don't all go out as much as we used to.

While typing out that response to Happy, I think I just hit the underlying cause as to why I'm worrying over this. I put so much effort into everything. For example, when I buy a gift for someone I don't just get a nice gift and stick it in a gift bag. I buy a gift, get wrapping paper that is appropriate to the occasion, a nice personalized card, and a coordinating bow, etc. I like thoughtful extra touches and presentation is important to me. I'm big on etiquette and try to learn what is expected of me when taking on a new role (such as bridesmaid). When I make dinner for friends or something I take time to make it into a nice presentation. When it is my MOH's turn to get married and I am her MOH, I will help plan her shower, parties, wedding, etc as needed. However, it does get old having to be the one to plan everything and then not even getting a courtesy call if someone decides not to show. It would just be nice to have some of the effort returned.

Maybe this is an entirely different problem that I originally thought it was... I've tried to expand my friend circle in an effort to find people who wouldn't look at me like I was crazy when I mentioned a "dinner party" but I haven't been successful. Most of the people I work with are quite a bit older than me. I guess I'm not too good at making new friends lol.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 5, 2009 7:06 PM Go to message in response to: AutumnBride1009

Dear AB,

" However, it does get old having to be the one to plan everything and then not even getting a courtesy call if someone decides not to show."

I think you've put your finger on it. If positions were reversed, and if you were the MOH and your MOH the bride, you would go all out planning a nice party for her.

So, why doesn't she step up to the plate for you?

Good question. She ain't you.

I think you are right. You need to find some new friends. Get through the durned wedding, then post-wedding join some clubs where you will meet people with mutual interests.

One thing you might consider: Charity fund raising. Surely there's some charity in your town that is close to your heart. They usually have some kind of annual fund raiser, and they are always looking for detail-minded volunteers to help with planning. Thus you would help a good cause and meet people who are party-oriented.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 6, 2009 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: AutumnBride1009

I totally understand what you are saying about putting so much effort into everything. I was MOH in several weddings and I made sure everything was perfect. I took over when the brides freaked out and made sure everything went smooth. When you are that kind of person, it is disappointing to learn that not everyone is like that! I think you truly did get to the underlying issue. :)

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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Jade1107 Posts : 205 Registered: 9/1/07
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 7, 2009 11:57 AM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

OP - I feel the same way sometimes. I tend to be the one to organize the outings and get togethers and sometimes I just wish someone else would offer to do it! I'm also a Type A personality, so I enjoy the look of a perfectly wrapped gift haha.

Honestly, I think the slumber party is the best idea. I don't think it would take too much work (as much as I would also love someone else to plan it!). You likely have some fun, old girly movies you can watch and you can just buy a mickey or two of alcohol and make a few fun mixed drinks. You could even do a potluck type deal - ask your BM's to bring a dish for the slumber party.

This is what I would do if it came to it. Since it's not really a bachelorette, no one feels obligated to buy gifts etc.

I was recently involved in a bridal party in which the bride actually EXPECTED us to plan all of these events for her. It's one thing to think this to herself, but to actually broadcast it to us is a different story. She's my friend and I would have likely planned these things regardless, but when she made a comment about it, it completely put a damper on things. THREE showers later ( I only had to plan one), she has more kitchen gadgets than she knows what to do with!

I digress - my point is that it's great that you asked what to do in this situation rather than just assuming that your BM's would throw you numerous parties.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 7, 2009 12:36 PM Go to message in response to: Jade1107

dear Jade,

"I was recently involved in a bridal party in which the bride actually EXPECTED us to plan all of these events for her."

I know someone who cuts to the chase and just gives her own showers. Three babies. Three showers. Every time I get an envelope with her return address on the outside, I know she's giving herself another gift-centered party.

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cvegafab Posts : 9 Registered: 9/2/09
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 7, 2009 4:24 PM Go to message in response to: AutumnBride1009

I understand where you are coming from. I purposefully decided not to have a bridal party for a multiple reasons: 1. because I didn't want the added expense. 2. because I didn't want to feel like I was relying on anyone and 3. because I didn't want to set myself up for these types of expectations and 4. because I didn't want to burden anyone else with this dilemma.
I know so many girls who are having kids right now, and so many people who are financially strapped...it's just the way things are right now.
I have been reading and watching shows about how brides have these huge expectations of how they want their wedding to go...starting from the proposal (the size of the ring and the way he does it) down to the smallest little miniscule thing that is really only significant to the bride.
I did have some of my friends ask me to pick a date to have a girls night out and once I did that, they asked me, "okay, so what are we doing". Yes, it's annoying...I don't want to have to plan something else along with everything else that I'm trying to do; but I sucked it up, messaged all the girls I expected to go out, and just asked for input on a good place to eat and party. I got a few suggestions and we made our plans based on that.
No, I don't believe I'll be getting a blow out bachelorette party, but, I'll hang out with my friends and try to forget about all the other stress I'm dealing with.
My suggestion would be to either do what the others have suggested (have a day at the spa for you and invite whoever wants to go...they pay for themselves), or pick a date that you are available and a date that you think most of the girls will be available, send out a mass message to them and say "hey, I'd like to go out this night with my girls prior to the wedding for some fun...who'd like to join".
We can't be in control of everything or expect everyone to know exactly what we are thinking and expect them to do it the same way we would...it would be nice, but we can't. You'll make yourself crazy expecting more than what you will get.
And who knows, if they know for a fact you are available on a specific date, they might whip something up for you. Either way, enjoy whatever happens
Nervously Excited!!!Laughing

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WoostaBride Posts : 220 Registered: 6/8/09
Re: Bachelorette Woes
Posted: Sep 9, 2009 12:51 AM Go to message in response to: AutumnBride1009

Honestly, anyone who is close enough to you to have been chosen as your Maid of Honor shouldn't have any issue with you bringing up the topic of a bachelorette party. Sure, its not their obligation per se, but if it's something that you truly would like to take place (and you shouldn't feel bad about that), then why not just mention it. Hell, tell the girls you're going out to blow off some steam and would love for you to join them if they don't get the hint. Etiquette is just fine and dandy most of the time, but if you want something done you've gotta take the bull by the horns on occasion. I wouldn't chose individuals to be in my bridal party who I wasn't able to be open and honest with. I'm sure if you brought it up it wouldn't be any where close to as big of a deal as it seems to you now. For some girls, being a bridesmaid is not a position that they are used to filling and therefore they may not even be completely aware of their role in the whole production....or they just may be flightly and forgetful...either way, speak up :)

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